Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Bible Summarized by a Smartass, Part Thirty-One: 1 Corinthians

This is the epistle I think of when people dispute my claim that the Bible has an anti-intellectual streak. The basic message here is: don't think, just trust God.

Chapter One
Dear Corinth,
God is awesome.
So, I hear you’re having a problem with divisions, following the prophets instead of the word of Christ. You people think you know so much, but you all look like assholes compared to God’s omnipotence. God could drink a bunch of Coke laced with Nuprin, whang himself in the head with a mullet, and have Mad Cow disease, and he’d still be wiser than the wisest wise man in Wisey Town. Stop chasing knowledge, you’ll never know as much as God, anyway. Not even if God were retarded could you be as smart as him.

Chapter Two
I had to dumb myself down just so you could understand what I was talking about when I talked about Jesus! We’re starting a religion here, not hosting a symposium. Independent thought has no place here! Just do what I tell you, don’t question it. Hey, I’ll let you know if I consider you smart enough to talk about God, alright? I guess what I’m getting at is this: no one can know the mystery and wisdom and deep, deep crevices of God’s stunning, unfathomable mind well enough to tell you how it works. Except for me.

Chapter Three
So, brothers and sisters, I’m going to spoon-feed you this stuff, because you’re too stupid to pull your pants down before taking a shit. You think you can wrap your heads around my rather simplistic demigod concept? Please. And don’t pay attention to prophets, only pay attention to God. Here, I’ll interpret him for you.

Chapter Four
I’m just a servant of God, you know, he’s going to judge me, too. And he’s not making it easy; we Apostles are like freak shows, man. People ridicule us, and all we have to get through the day is the incredible smugness of having it all figured out. We can at least take solace in the fact that we’re right and we don’t mind telling everyone else how wrong they are. Corinth, I love Jesus, and Jesus selected me to be the head of the Church, so I’m your daddy. And I love you like a daddy. But daddy has to admonish you for your ignorance. The essence of God’s kingdom is power.

Chapter Five
One of you guys is fucking his stepmother. Not cool; even idol-worshiping, baby-eating pagans wouldn’t be that immoral. You arrogant fuckers should do something about it. You’re not supposed to judge anyone, but as Christ’s rep on earth, I’ve judged you, Corinth. And I say you should kill this guy! Leave behind evil and malice; embrace sincerity and truth and murder that perv. And don’t hang out with other pervs, or drunkards, idolaters, and thieves. Don’t judge anyone. You know, unless you know them.

Chapter Six
Don’t follow the secular government; all authority comes from the Church, because our power comes from God hisself. Quit sinning and fucking and enjoying your bodies and the many wonderful pleasures it can be made to feel—the essence of obedience, er, religion is self-denial.

Chapter Seven
Women don’t own their bodies—their husbands do. A woman needs to yield to her husband sexually, or else he’ll have to commit adultery, and that will be the woman’s fault. I mean, if you disgusting Corinthians can’t stay chaste like me, that is. It’s better not to be married, but if you can’t control your sexual urges, you should be married rather than just fuck around. Fucking outside of marriage is wrong. Divorced women who remarry are committing adultery. If a believer marries an unbeliever, marriage makes them holy. Circumcision is unimportant—stop mutilating babies and just obey God’s word. You are all “a slave of Christ,” aren’t you lucky? If you’re a virgin, I’d rather you didn’t marry if you could help it. I mean, marriage isn’t a sin, per se, but if you stay as unmarried virgin, you’ll be so much happier. For reals.

Chapter Eight
Knock off that childish sacrificing food to idols shit. Knowledge is unimportant; love is all that matters. Love and obedience!

Chapter Nine
Man, I’m just fucking awesome. And I have to tell everyone about it. I have to share the truth of God with anyone I meet, for I am right and they are wrong, and if they don’t know that, their soul will suffer.

Chapter Ten
The thing about the Jews is, they didn’t know at the time that they were following Christ, because God hadn’t revealed it yet. We have to be better than them and love Jesus. Look at Israel’s history; they went completely wrong, and because they were wrong, God didn’t protect them. Be as good as I am.

Chapter Eleven
Men rule their wives. Women should pray with veils on, or they disgrace themselves. Not men, though; men are reflections of God, but women are reflections of men, so men own them. But men and women are intertwined in the Lord. Men shouldn’t have long hair, that’s degrading; it makes them look like chicks. All eating and drinking is communion. Doing either in an unworthy way is against God.

Chapter Twelve
Ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble members of the body of Christ.

Chapter Thirteen
Ramble ramble ramble love and such.

Chapter Fourteen
People who speak in tongues speak to God, and you can’t make up that easy-to-fake gobbledygook. Blather fratha murda kringle forshtoo faddam zingy shwee! See, that’s not fake. God and I were just talking about you, and he says you’re a dick, Corinth. Women should be silent in church. Any prophet who doesn’t recognize my authority above all prophets is a fake.

Chapter Fifteen
I am (and always will be) the last prophet that Jesus speaks to directly. And if I say Christ is risen, how can you disagree with me and my non-factual evidence of unverified testimony? And the reason you should be Christian is so death isn’t scary.

Chapter Sixteen
Keep on trucking, keep on loving God, and fuck everyone who doesn’t. And don’t forget to keep collecting money for the Church, or else.
Jesus rocks!

Next week: Paul has another earful for those poor sons of bitches in Corinth.

Red Bull Thinks Implied Murder Is Hilarious

How is this commercial funny? A superhero listens to a woman in trouble and, when he discovers he's out of the Red Bull that gives him his powers, he just shuts the window so the sound of her evisceration won't bother him. That's one hell of a hilarious way to sell liquid speed to people.

I know cultural memory is shorter than Peter Dinklage standing in a mine shaft, but am I now officially the only person who remembers Kitty Genovese and thinks this ad is one of the more offensive things on television?

Talk Is Still Cheap

Russell Simmons, the hip-hop mogul who made his fortune producing rap albums, now says that the recording and broadcast industries should censor the words "bitch," "ho" and "nigger." But he also says that it's not the responsibility of the rappers to tone themselves down; that's up to the distributors. "I don't see how we should censor artists or think that because they don't say what we want, that we have the right to tell them what to say. These are poets. They have every right to say what they want. I am not defending the words of rappers, I'm just saying they're truthful and they can be looked at."

Okay, so, rappers shouldn't be censored, but their products should be? You can't have it both ways. But I guess now that rap is taken seriously and Def Jam Records is considered a serious contribution to our culture and the New York Times is writing about how important hip hop culture is to America's artistic identity, he can afford to talk down about the very thing that made him famous and successful in the first place. Because he doesn't want his kids to hear swear words in rap music. Your kids, though, are his audience.

Get all the money and then slam everyone else in the industry for doing what you did? Wow, when did Russell Simmons become white?

Today's reminder that it's easy to pretend you're morally superior when you have good record sales.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Throwdown 5/18

15 random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.

1. It’s official: Southern Methodist University will be building the George W. Bush Presidential Library, marking the first time an American college has dedicated a library to a functioning illiterate. I’m sure they’ll carry a wide array of pop-up books.

2. Aw, you’re welcome, sweetie. Now stop blaming your mom for everything. I know it wasn’t her idea for you to be Mrs. Kevin Federline, so what is she to blame for, really?

3. Oh, you have to love the British contribution to television sometimes, I think. Only a month since I got to watch my beloved Katie Price on Katie & Peter, and now MTV is apparently working on a show called The Totally Jodie Marsh: Who Will Take Her Up the Aisle? God I love British models. Jodie is going to audition suitors, and I totally want to be one of them. No, since you asked, I don’t have any self-respect, and I’d love to be married to a British model. I really, really want to take Jodie Marsh up the ass—er, aisle, I meant.

4. Maxim released their list of the 100 Sexiest Women, and as usual it’s totally useless. Lindsay Lohan at number one? Above ScarJo or, really, anyone for that matter? I was thinking about this idiocy, when I passed this picture of someone named K.D. Aubert on the cover of Smooth. Now, I don’t know who K.D. Aubert is, but looking at her here on the cover, I’d really like to. Can you believe that there are only six black women on the Maxim list? I’m not crying racism or anything, but I’d really like to see more black women represented in the current obsession over Hollywood’s young women. Seriously, I’d much rather see Sanaa Lathan, Gabrielle Union, K.D. Aubert, Melyssa Ford, and Meagan Good online more often than the newest thing Lindsay Lohan did that wasn’t acting or, you know, something work-related.

5. And while we’re on the subject of unsexy white chicks, could everyone please stop fawning all over the pictures of Jessica Alba in GQ? Seriously, I’ve seen roadkill that turned me on more than these completely artless pictures of a too-skinny, dead-eyed, uncomfortable-looking, talentless ingĂ©nue who has outstayed her welcome.

6. A lot of people are upset that Bruce Willis’s new girlfriend is 23 year-old Playmate Tamara Witmer. The reason? She’s only 5 years older than his oldest daughter. I know everyone likes to run around saying that that sort of thing is sick, but seriously, don’t you think being unable to mentally separate your daughter from every other young girl in the world is kind of sicker? Seriously, what are those people thinking about?

7. One of my all-time favorite movies is The Long Good Friday, a complex and gripping British crime thriller that balances a fierce intelligence with social commentary in its portrayal of a character who risks everything only to lose it all. So, of course, you can imagine how I feel that it’s going to be remade by Paul W.S. Anderson, the director of such fine cinematic art as Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, Resident Evil, Alien vs. Predator, and the upcoming remake of Death Race 2000.

8. Don’t be afraid; sucking their blood and eating their flesh is how he stays as youthful as he thinks he looks.

9. Congressman Tom Cole, head of the National Republican Congressional Committee, was asked if the Republican Party losing both the House and Senate in 2006 had anything to do with the fact that the Republican base (you know, the people who vote) were sick of the out-of-control government spending from a party that’s known for conservatism. “Oh, I don’t think the problem was spending,” he said. “People who argue that we lost because we weren’t true to our base, that’s just wrong.” Man, Republicans aren’t even in touch with their own voters, anymore. Because according to every conservative analyst I’ve looked at so far, he’s dead wrong.

10. That’s alright, Melinda Doolittle, you don’t want to be the American Idol, anyway. They almost never have careers, unless they’re white chicks from the south. Hell, Jennifer Hudson and Kimberly Locke didn’t make it, either, and they’re doing great. You don’t need American Idol when you have what you have: charming personality and an endless talent. And you won’t have to have that awful album full of Kara DioGuardi and Diane Warren songs that they always have to do, so there’s a plus.

11. Boy, I have to hand it to Kellie Pickler. I think it’s hilarious enough when women lie about having breast implants (must you be so insecure as to lie about it?), but “My hair is shorter” and “I’m 20” have to be, hands down, the stupidest, funniest lies I’ve ever heard a woman use to claim they’re real.

12. This is just embarrassing. Oh, Parasite, no one’s coming to your aid. We all want to see you burn too much. I’m getting marshmallows ready. Oh, and don’t think whining your way down to 23 days for “good behavior” (already? those porno tapes she’s going to make with the guards don’t really qualify do they?) mean you’ve won. There’s a prison overcrowding problem. And a lot can happen to you in 23 days, Parasite.

13. Opie and Anthony are being suspended for a month for an offensive bit on their show. I can’t tell you how much it bothers me. After the Don Imus firing, it seems like this sort of thing is going to happen more easily, and it makes me queasy. America seems to be on a kick about determining “correct” behavior and “correct” ways of thinking, and we can’t do that. People have a right to be offended, but that doesn’t mean they have a right to be accommodated at every second. Sorry, but it doesn’t. I’ve never heard Opie and Anthony, but I can’t imagine that people who do listen to them were too surprised by the bit. Just because Al Sharpton gets pissy doesn’t mean you have to do everything he says.

14. Bill Clinton has announced that his Energy Efficiency Building Retrofit Program, an initiative his foundation has been working on, has its financing and will be implemented in 16 major cities worldwide. There are going to be major environmental upgrades in those cities, including my sweet home Chicago, making state-owned buildings more energy efficient, which will both reduce carbon emissions and save money. Heating, cooling, and lighting systems will be replaced, roofs will be made white to deflect the heat from the sun, windows will be replaces, and sensors will control lights and air conditioning. At least five billion dollars has been pledged. Chicago has been doing things like this for the past six years, saving about $4 million annually. The guy’s been out of office for nearly a decade, and he’s still helping America. The president we have isn’t even doing that, and he’s actually in office.

15. Pope Benedict XVI visited Brazil last week. 60 years too late, the last Nazi finally escapes to South America.

Oh My God, It's Full of Skiffy

Dividing up all of the SF movies I've seen from the last 25 years.

The All Time Classics
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial; The Road Warrior; The Thing; The Right Stuff; Ghostbusters; Gremlins; The Terminator; Back to the Future; Brazil; Aliens; RoboCop; Terminator 2: Judgment Day; Batman Returns; Blade Runner: The Director’s Cut; Groundhog Day; Contact; The Fifth Element; Gattaca; Starship Troopers; The Iron Giant; Spider-Man; Finding Nemo; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Shaun of the Dead; Spider-Man 2; King Kong

Four Star Movies
The Secret of NIMH; Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn; The Dead Zone; Never Cry Wolf; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension; The Brother from Another Planet; Iceman; Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Phenomena; Splash; Starman; The Adventures of Mark Twain; F/X; Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome; The Fly; Laputa: Castle in the Sky; Little Shop of Horrors; The Mosquito Coast; Making Mr. Right; Near Dark; Gorillas in the Mist; The Abyss: The Special Edition; Batman; Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure; The Hunt for Red October; Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey; Defending Your Life; And the Band Played On; Body Snatchers; Trauma; Apollo 13; Strange Days; Toy Story; 12 Monkeys; Mars Attacks!; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Antz; Dark City; The Truman Show; What Dreams May Come; Galaxy Quest; Mystery Men; Tarzan; Toy Story 2; Memento; Titan A.E.; Donnie Darko; Monsters, Inc.; The Bourne Identity; May; Signs; Solaris; Willard; The Bourne Supremacy; Hellboy; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; Batman Begins; The Descent; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; Robots; Children of Men; The Prestige; V for Vendetta; Meet the Robinsons

Flawed, But Fun
The Hunger; The Return of Captain Invincible; Electric Dreams; The Last Starfighter; The Philadelphia Experiment; 2010; The Bride; Cocoon; Day of the Dead; Enemy Mine; Explorers; Starchaser: The Legend of Orin; The Boy Who Could Fly; Critters; Howard the Duck; Predator; Spaceballs; Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home; Transformers the Movie; Innerspace; The Land Before Time; Rain Man; They Live; Back to the Future, Part II; Earth Girls Are Easy; Ghostbusters II; Honey, I Shrunk the Kids; Back to the Future, Part III; Darkman; Gremlins 2: The New Batch; Total Recall; The Rocketeer; Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country; Memoirs of an Invisible Man; Mom and Dad Save the World; Waxwork II: Lost in Time; Batman: Mask of the Phantasm; The Fantastic Four; Jurassic Park; Return of the Living Dead 3; The Mask; Pom Poko; Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book; StarGate: The Special Edition; Star Trek Generations; Wes Craven's New Nightmare; The Adventures of Captain Zoom; Congo; GoldenEye; Hideaway; The Island of Dr. Moreau; Judge Dredd; Tank Girl; The Arrival; Independence Day; Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie; Space Jam; Space Truckers; Star Trek: First Contact; Anaconda; Cube; Face Off; Men In Black; The Saint; Titanic; Tomorrow Never Dies; Blade; A Bug's Life; The Faculty; Lost in Space; Small Soldiers; Star Kid; Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century; Animal Farm; Blast from the Past; The Bone Collector; The World Is Not Enough; Frequency; X-Men; Atlantis: The Lost Empire; A Beautiful Mind; Dude, Where's My Car?; Jurassic Park III; Spy Kids; Zenon: The Zequel; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Blade II; Men in Black II; Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams; Star Trek: Nemesis; Treasure Planet; 28 Days Later; Agent Cody Banks; Hulk; A Wrinkle in Time; X2: X-Men United; Around the World in 80 Days; Dawn of the Dead; The Librarian: Quest for the Spear; Something the Lord Made; 13 Going on 30; Thunderbirds; The Brothers Grimm; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; George A. Romero's Land of the Dead; The Man with the Screaming Brain; Sky High; Unleashed; Zathura; Cars; The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines; Over the Hedge; X-Men: The Last Stand

A Degree of Badness
Blade Runner; Cat People; Swamp Thing; Tron; Octopussy; Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone; Strange Invaders; The Twilight Zone: The Movie; Videodrome; WarGames; Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes; Red Dawn; Star Trek III: The Search for Spock; D.A.R.Y.L.; A Nightmare on Elm Street, Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge; Maximum Overdrive; Short Circuit; * batteries not included; Harry and the Hendersons; The Living Daylights; A Nightmare on Elm Street, Part 3: The Dream Warriors; Cocoon: The Return; Critters 2: The Main Course; The Running Man; Short Circuit 2; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Backdraft; The Silence of the Lambs; Cool World; Demolition Man; Fire in the Sky; Ghost in the Machine; We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story; Batman Forever; Ghost in the Shell; Loch Ness; Waterworld; Black Scorpion; Crash; CrossWorlds; Hybrid; Black Scorpion 2: Ground Zero; Invisible Mom; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; Armageddon; The Love Bug; Mighty Joe Young; Star Trek: Insurrection; Tarzan and the Lost City; Deep Blue Sea; The Matrix; My Favorite Martian; The Cell; Hollow Man; Mission to Mars; The Perfect Storm; U-571; Unbreakable; The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius; I Am Sam; Kate & Leopold; Osmosis Jones; Reign of Fire; Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over; Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London; The Day After Tomorrow; Zenon: Z3; The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl; Herbie: Fully Loaded; The Wild

So Bad They Should Have Been on Mystery Science Theater 3000
The Man with Two Brains; Superman III; Supergirl; A View to a Kill; Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend; One Magic Christmas; The Deadly Friend; Flight of the Navigator; Invaders from Mars; SpaceCamp; Jaws: The Revenge; Project X; Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Alien Nation; My Stepmother Is an Alien; Beyond the Stars; Communion; Cyborg; Moontrap; The Return of Swamp Thing; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; Dollman; Predator 2; RoboCop 2; Mindwarp; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Alien 3; Freejack; Medicine Man; Super Mario Bros.; Mary Shelley's Frankenstein; Street Fighter; Galaxis; Hackers; Johnny Mnemonic; Magic in the Water; Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie; Species; Barb Wire; Multiplicity; Alien Resurrection; Batman and Robin; Event Horizon; Flubber; The Postman; Sphere; Steel; The Avengers; Deep Impact; Deep Rising; Godzilla; The Astronaut's Wife; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Bicentennial Man; Wild Wild West; AI; Evolution; Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; Planet of the Apes; Minority Report; Resident Evil; The Time Machine; The Tuxedo; Die Another Day; The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen; The Matrix Reloaded; The Matrix Revolutions; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Timeline; Alien vs. Predator; The Butterfly Effect; I, Robot; Shark Tale; The Stepford Wives; The Village; Alien Apocalypse; Blade: Trinity; Fantastic Four; War of the Worlds; Happy Feet; Superman Returns

So Bad They WERE on Mystery Science Theater 3000
The New Extraterrestrials; Overdrawn at the Memory Bank; Alien from L.A.; Space Mutiny

Battlefield Earth
Phenomenon; Battlefield Earth

Ahoy Links

Exquisitely Bored in Nacogdoches looks into the background of one of my favorite characters from The Office.
Bonnie raises more than my interest by putting up one of my favorite pictures ever.
Quit Your Day Job has some fun with Black Manta.
Via JA comes this wonderfully hilarious news item. Still love you, Patty. JA also finds the Fantastic Four sequel as gay as I found the first one, and news of the worst remake I've ever heard of happening. You know... today.
Here Comes Johnny Yen Again with a post about lava lamps.
Bloody Disgusting has an early review of The Invasion; as bad as I figured it would be.
Dr. Monkey misses PJ Soles as badly as I do.
TV Squad lists ten bad shows that happened to great people. And David Cassidy.
Funniest Movie Death Scenes (at YouTube)
Tom the Dog reviews this year's Free Comic Book Day here and here.
The Muppet Newsflash remembers the anniversary of Jim Henson's death.
Colin Giles has a demo reel of his work on Happily N'Ever After.
I agree with The Last Visible Blog about the built-in decay of American television.
ModFab with this week's American Idolatry and unfortunate goodbye.
Even if you don't like Michael Moore, don't the actions the government has taken against him kind of terrify you?
Zombie-American: Chapter One (at Funny or Die)
Cap'n Dyke links to the 10 worst movie posters of all time and an amazing run of pirate treasure.
Blogzarro has 101 great George Carlin jokes.
The Onion AV Club interviews Sarah Polley.
I Infiltrate a Right Wing Protest Group (at Cracked)
Various directors ponder the end of Harry Potter at MTV.
Ironic Sans has an idea for a 24 spinoff that I'm surprised hasn't happened yet.
Roger Ebert is back! And here's his first new review!
Living Between Wednesdays has a surprise choice for rating her sixth superhunk: Magnus, Robot Fighter.So very many people are upset over this statue of Mary Jane Watson-Parker. Occasional Superheroine has some interesting stuff to say (as always) here, here, here, here, here and here. When Fangirls Attack has links to a whole lot more, and Postmodern Barney puts an interesting perspective on the whole thing.

Well, Jerry Falwell died. Hey, we never said we wanted him dead, we're just celebrating the fact that it happened. Celebrate with John, Becca, ModFab, and The Rude Pundit. Rudie also hates the Giuliani campaign, John hates religious assholes, and Bill Maher hates Army regulations. Meanwhile, Deus Ex Malcontent comments on another teacher controversy, and Dr. Zaius has more Pelosi love and one of the funniest pictures I've ever seen.

If you're not perusing Kilgore's Kitchen every day, what the hell is wrong with you? All week long, she's been posting jug band music, coon songs, zydeco, folk, big band, and ragtime to make your feet tap and your ears smile. Yeah, it's a mixed metaphor, deal with it. You should go every day, but my favorites this week were "Boogie Woogie", "When Summer Is Gone", and especially "Walk Right In". And your life is not complete until you've heard this bizarre but wonderful version of "Misrilou".

'Nuff said.

Lloyd Alexander 1924-2007

"In books for young people, I was able to express my own deepest feelings far more than I could ever do in writing for adults."

One of my favorite authors died this week. Byzantium's Shores has a nice post about him that I wholeheartedly agree with.

Talk Is Cheap

“I could be better than Britney but I won’t wear skanky clothes that show my booty, my belly or my boobs."

Today's reminder that it's easy to pretend you're morally superior when you have good record sales.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

5 Questions from J.D.

J.D. Judge sent me five questions to answer on my blog. So, here we go.

1. What is the capital of your mind? Or, more simply, what thing has most surely stayed in your brain longest and forged a tiny city with villagers and a corrupt political system commanding over you and making you drink soda all day?
Oddly, I went on a search for the capital of my mind, and it turned out it was in East Anglia. So East Anglia and I sat down and had a drink (Coca-Cola in a bottle, of course, that's all the capital of my mind would serve) and discussed local politics (it seems there wasn't much confidence that King Ethelbert would be able to withstand the onslaught of King Offa of Mercia) before I hiked back to the states. It's odd, because I always assumed the capital of my mind would've been in some lost, forgotten corner, like Opar or something, but no. Pretty mundane, actually.Actually, I think the thing that stayed in my mind longest must have been the first movie I remember seeing, which was The Empire Strikes Back when I was three. After that, it was Sleeping Beauty. Then Clash of the Titans. So my mind has always head a healthy, thriving populace of Muppets, Disney cartoons, and fantasy characters. Why they make me drink soda, I don't know, but I'm sure it has something to do with the need for fast-paced editing.2. You are an animation buff, are you not? Then tell me: Are the (modern) Disney executives master sorcerors of pure evil?
Not anymore... I think. Now that Michael Eisner has been slain, some of their more overtly evil aspects (Strategic Planning, for example) have been dismantled. The Pixar merger put the Pixar people in charge of the animation division, and I have faith that they'll turn things around. John Lasseter and Ed Catmull seem most interested in returning to quality instead of quantity, and there's been a lot of people saying that they've put all the responsibility for that quality in the hands of actual directors instead of the board. They even hired back John Musker and Ron Clements, returned focus to traditional animation, and got Roy Disney back. Bob Iger and Dick Cook know what they're doing too, I think. We're in a transition period now, but I think Lasseter is the man to pull this thing off. I mean, he is the guy responsible for Disney releasing the Studio Ghibli movies in America, and I think they've done it in a pretty classy way. I hope they'll strike out and forge partnerships with other animators, like Sylvain Chomet or Richard Williams (release the Thief and the Cobbler workprint, dammit!). And, best of all, no more of these idiotic straight-to-video sequels to their classic movies. Meet the Robinsons was actually very good. I hope there's more to come...

Now, if only they could get their shit together and figure out what to do with those Muppets.No, not that!

3. More of a less-insane question (less, but still), have you now or ever smoked marijuana while listening to the soundtrack to Schindler's List?
Heh, yes, actually, I have. In my senior year of high school. You turn out the lights and get high, and it's even more emotional. Plus, when "OYF'N Pripetshok" comes out of the darkness, just the singing with no music, it's like it's right in the room with you. So kids, don't do drugs...without listening to really good music.4. On a scale from 1-10, how would you describe the plagarism of Hamas and the Jew-hating mice?
Around a 4. Was it inaccurate? What, Mickey Mouse doesn't hate Jews all of a sudden?5. And finally, Butt Paste...........

Oh, a question? Um... does Butt Paste taste good? Or is it more like Scrotum Jelly, tasting like purple squirrels?

While Butt Paste does have a pleasant smell, I wouldn't recommend tasting it. I mean, you could put it on toast, but wouldn't you just be thinking of infant derriere?Unofficial Q: Am I insane? Or just randomly weird? And is it annoying? I assume so.
No, no, you're fine. This is weird.

Oh, man, I hope walking into my mind is the same experience. But I'll settle for just the naked girl.


Overlooked Skiffy

There are a lot of science fiction movies out there, and I've seen a good deal of them. Some of them are movies that either no one remembers or no one has ever seen. So, here's a little shout-out to some SF movies that I felt were overlooked, misunderstood, or just unfairly hated. Or fairly, I'm not always sure.

The Brother from Another Planet (1984)
It seems like this magical movie was once listed as a sort of alternative to big budget escapism, as something strange and special with a social conscience. Nowadays, it seems to have fallen by the wayside, but John Sayles's film remains an odd little treat with an excellent performance by Joe Morton as a man who tries to understand this disquieting place around him.

Electric Dreams (1984)
Okay, the silly factor is pretty high on this one. It's about a guy who buys a computer, then (this is stupid, I know) accidentally pours soda in it, somehow making it superintelligent. The computer, now voiced by Bud Cort (Harold from Harold and Maude) helps his master to court the beautiful upstairs neighbor (Virginia Madsen), but soon falls in love with her himself. It sounds silly and, really, it is, but the movie somehow works as a silly SF monster movie. And bonus, this is the origin of the Giorgio Moroder song "Together in Electric Dreams."

Iceman (1984)
Does no one else remember this great film about Timothy Hutton and a bunch of archaeologists digging up a man frozen in the ice 40,000 years ago and bringing him back to life? No? Too bad, it was a pretty thoughtful little movie.

The Philadelphia Experiment (1984)
One of the movies that seemed to just pass right by when it came out; what the hell ever happened to Bobby DiCicco, anyway? Well, it had Nancy Allen in it, so that's why I saw it. This involved two sailors who get pulled forward in time, and even if it wasn't the best movie, I thought it was kind of neat.

Starman (1984)
With interest in John Carpenter seemingly higher than ever, how come no one ever brings up this movie? Jeff Bridges is an alien who takes the form of Karen Allen's dead husband, then flees from government agent Charles Martin Smith. Nice Jack Nitzsche score.

The Adventures of Mark Twain (1985)
This Claymation classic was Will Vinton's only feature film. Mark Twain and his flying airship pick up Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and Becky Thatcher, and he tells them all about...well, death. This is a surprisingly dark movie, it could almost be a Ralph Bakshi. Some of Twain's later, darker stories are adapted to chilling, stunning effect.

The Bride (1985)
I might be alone on this one, but I love this version of The Bride of Frankenstein. At the time, it was a big deal that Sting starred as Dr. Frankenstein, but he's the least interesting (and least involved) part of the movie. Instead, the bulk of the movie is given over to one of my absolute favorite actors, David Rappaport, as a dwarf acrobat who meets up with Frankstein's original creature (the great Clancy Brown) and forms a beautiful friendship with him. Great, great movie.

F/X (1985)
I remember being told that this was a great thriller, and it really is. Just a great, fun movie with one of Brian Dennehy's best performances.

Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985)
I just want to see if anyone besides me remembers this animated movie. I saw it in the theater in 3-D. Not great, and certainly not what it aspires to be (Heavy Metal), but weird.

The Boy Who Could Fly (1986)
Nick Castle's follow-up to The Last Starfighter seems to be forgotten now. It has the air of a whimsical fairy tale about growing up and escaping. Whatever happened to Jay Underwood and Lucy Deakins, anyhow? And can you believe Fred Gwynne and Mindy Cohn are in this movie?

Making Mr. Right (1987)
This hilarious movie stars John Malkovich as a scientist and as the robot he's creating to explore outer space. Hired for study, Ann Magnuson (from Bongwater, baby!) plays the woman that both man and robot secretly dig.

Mom and Dad Save the World (1992)
Again, it's a pretty silly movie, but I thought it was just so guilelessly hilarious that I enjoyed it. Jeffrey Jones and Teri Garr play a man and woman on vacation who are accidentally pulled to another world, where they're forced to fight a narcissistic madman (Jon Lovitz) for the fate of the Earth. Kind of like Super Mario Bros. if it were played for laughs instead of just being stupid.

Congo (1995)
Forgotten now, but I remember when this came out during the wave of Michael Crichton adaptations, and I thought this one was good. I remember so many people at work saying that they didn't get it, wondering if it was supposed to be some sort of parody of Michael Crichton. But it's actually more subtle than that. I always thought it was a big "fuck you" to Crichton. See, Crichton's particular, um, genius is re-writing a pre-existing story and sticking some technology into it and acting like it's something original. In that vein, Congo is just King Solomon's Mines with a laser and a talking gorilla. Frank Marshall, the director, saw it for what it was and turned it into a winking, self-referencing, modern version of a Jungle Jim movie, and bless him for it. This might as well have starred Stewart Granger and Trevor Howard. "Mr. Homolka, stop eating my sesame cake." Brilliant.

Hideaway (1995)
A Dean Koontz thriller that seemed to come out of nowhere and go right back there. Jeff Goldblum gets in an accident and suddenly has the ability to see inside the mind of a killer who's targeted his daughter (Alicia Silverstone). It's not a great movie, but I thought it was a pretty good one.

Strange Days (1995)
I think this movie was pulled out of the theaters during its opening weekend. I had a friend who wanted to see it, but by Monday it seemed like it had disappeared. Too bad, it's a really good movie, sort of a Philip K. Dick pastiche, but what do you expect with James Cameron in the producer's chair (and stealing all the credit for writing it)? What became of Kathryn Bigelow, anyway? Seems like she hasn't done anything since. I really hope she gets to do her Joan of Arc movie one day.

Tank Girl (1995)
It's not as brilliant as the comic, but it was cute and I thought it was funny. Plus, in this movie, Lori Petty is pure sex to me, like a big walking, bouncing pussy. And I love the Stan Winston makeup on the kangaroo men. And Ann Magnuson and Iggy Pop have cameos, come on! It's stupid, but it's fun!

Gattaca (1997)
I thought this was one of the better SF movies of the nineties, but it never seems like anyone's really seen it. It's rare for me to heap praise on an Ethan Hawke movie, but this little piece about genetics is great science fiction. The writer-director went on to write the misunderstood Truman Show, and then wrote and directed the awful Simone and Lord of War. I haven't seen the last one, I just don't want to.

Dark City (1998)
For the style alone, this is a fun movie to watch. Based on this and The Crow, I really thought Alex Proyas was going to be a great director. Also, based on both movies, I can tell he's read a lot of John Shirley, one of my favorite modern SF authors, because Shirley wrote The Crow, and this movie--an interesting SF noir thriller--is pretty heavily ripped off from Shirley, especially his novel A Splendid Chaos. But the style does win out for me here. Proyas went on to prove me completly wrong by directing I Robot, a movie that actually offended me.

Mystery Men (1999)
This is a good movie to bring up among SF fans. Whoever likes it is cool, and whoever doesn't... Well, you know how it works. The original comics are good, too; it was Mr. Furious who taught me the words I live by: "Tolerance encourages."

Willard (2003)
It's awfully recent to be considered underrated, but when I went to see it on its opening weekend, there was only one other person in the theater, and she was with me. Too bad, because it's some of Crispin Glover's best acting.

Any other suggestions?

Robots Are Our Friends

For absolutely no reason whatsoever, a list of my 20 favorite movie and TV show robots. I have to mention Fatbot, from Futurama, just because I love that guy but forgot to find a picture of him. Ah, Fatbot.

Oh, and I didn't put these in any kind of order. I just threw them up here because I love them all, and would welcome any one of them as an addition into my home. Because you have to have some awesome robots.

Optimus Prime
Tik Tok
Crow T. Robot
Piper Pinwheeler
Astro Boy
See Threepio and Artoo Detoo
The Iron Giant
Marvin the Paranoid Android

I have a friend who just hates it that I like the Lost in Space movie robot more than the one on the TV show...