Friday, September 01, 2017

The Myth Memers

One of those little questionnaires just to dip a toe back into blogging. Took this from Chris Hull's Facebook.

1. Do you make your bed? No.

2. The first car that was officially yours? 1985 Chevy Nova, back around late 1994 when I was 18. It was in pretty terrible condition.

3. Three grocery items you don't run out of? I don't know, I don't keep tabs on it enough. (Pow functioning.) Usually we always have eggs, milk, and cheese.

4. When did you start doing your own laundry? Around eighth grade, when we moved into the condo.

5. If you could, would you go to High School again? Gods, no. Even if it meant applying myself better (hard, because of ADHD and even then PTSD) to secure a better future, I couldn't live the same way over again and endure what I did.

6. Can you parallel park in under three moves? I think. I used to be good at it, but I haven't driven a car since some time in 2010 or 2011.

7. A job you had which people would be shocked to know about? Construction clean-up, back in high school. If you only know me from this blog from the time that the mental illness stopped me from a lot of stuff, you might be surprised to know that I used to be great at customer service.

8. Do you think aliens are real? I think they're probable.

9. Can you drive a stick shift? No, even when I drove.

10. Guilty TV pleasure? I'm catching up on Agents of SHIELD on Netflix right now. I don't know if it's a guilty pleasure, as such, but I don't care for it, I just "have" to watch it because it's part of the MCU. It's not as dreadful as season 3, but it's not good.

11. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? Cold. Becca hates it, but I keep it freezing at night. I overheat; I'm fat and I generate a lot of body heat.

12. If the world ends do you want to be one of the survivors? No. Maybe it sounds bleak, but I'm that kind of depressed person who expects to die suddenly but isn't prepared to weather a hard survival.

13. Sweet or Salty? Sweet.

14. Do you enjoy soaking in a nice bath? I do.

15. Do you consider yourself strong? No.

16. Something people do, physically, that drives you crazy? When people try to talk to you while they're simultaneously yawning.

17. Something you do, physically, that you are sure drives everyone else crazy? I can't always keep up while walking.

18. Do you have any birthmarks? No.

19. Favorite childhood game? Pac-Man.

20. Do you talk to yourself? Yeah. It's actually part of my therapy to help calm me down.

21. Do you like doing jigsaw puzzles? Yes.

22. Would you go on a reality show? No.

23. Tea or coffee? Coffee.

24. First thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up? Either a fireman or in the Army, like my Dad.

25. No matter how much money you have or don't have, what are you an absolute snob about? I won't watch a movie on broadcast television if I've never seen it before.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Song of the Week: "Dreams of the Everyday Housewife"

Slowly coming back to life. Becca seems to be doing fine since the surgery. I don't want to talk about the world. Just... very angry. Angry and disappointed.

Glen Campbell passed away this week, and like everyone else, I'm posting my favorite of his songs.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Health Report Update

I lost another summer. Back in June, I started a new medication to treat my mental disorders, and I ended up developing early signs of neuroleptic malignant syndrome, My heart rate became irregular, I developed insomnia, and I experienced a lot of muscle stiffness, particularly in the arches of my feet. It became hard to walk, and because of all of the pain and lack of sleep, I got very, very depressed, particularly right after my birthday. That's never a great time for me, anyway, because I have this recurring late summer depression, but the addition of pain and lack of exercise just messed me up. I've actually been off this medication for over 40 days now, and most of the side effects have gone, but I still have a hard time being engaged in things. That's why I've been so quiet here.

This is in addition to the general malaise I've had since the election, where nothing seems that important or exciting anymore. I've had this dull sense of "blah" to varying degrees for a while now. I just feel so detached and it's hard to get enthused.

Some of this has to do with my wife being sick most of this year, too. She's having minor surgery on Thursday, and I'm so anxious about it that I just want to crawl out of my skin. It's fairly common, routine surgery, and she'll get to come home later that day, but... it's like this is the first major thing we're going through since her mother passed away, and it feels like we're going through it alone. I didn't really realize until this year just how much depression, anxiety and PTSD have isolated me from other people. I keep worrying about what if something goes wrong and I'm suddenly alone. I don't think I can survive without her. I don't think I want to.

God, I hate the summer. I hate it so much. I'm always up in my own head by the time my birthday rolls around in the middle of July, and then it's just nothing but depression and an overwhelming amount of sun until mid-September or so. I hate the winter, but it's the summers that kill me. But during those few months of fall and spring, I even out. It's like I have whatever the opposite of SAD is, especially during the summer afternoons, when I get so sleepy and just want to cry and go to bed for a month. Add a near-crippling amount of leg pain this year and it just feels like freaking nothing matters.

It's almost like I've forgotten who I was, or simply found there wasn't that much to me, and I just stopped being. It sucks. I'm not going to do mental medication for a while. All of that stuff about possibly being bipolar... I think everything--the anxiety, the depression, even the ADHD--just develops out from this PTSD. And that I'm focusing on more than anything with therapy.

I just want this week to be over, and fast.

I want to enjoy things again.

I want my wife to be fine.

I want 2017 to be done.

Sunday, August 06, 2017

Song of the Week: "Livin' in a World (They Didn't Make)"

From Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814, one of the best albums from the worst year of my life, 1989.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Song of the Week: "Whispering Your Name"

I just got this into my head a while back. This is Alison Moyet, from her 1994 album Essex, one of my favorite albums which I discovered because of Becca. This is one of two versions on that album, the more stripped-down version. There's something about the longing and sense of self-doubt to this song that I really connect with.