Monday, August 07, 2017

Health Report Update

I lost another summer. Back in June, I started a new medication to treat my mental disorders, and I ended up developing early signs of neuroleptic malignant syndrome, My heart rate became irregular, I developed insomnia, and I experienced a lot of muscle stiffness, particularly in the arches of my feet. It became hard to walk, and because of all of the pain and lack of sleep, I got very, very depressed, particularly right after my birthday. That's never a great time for me, anyway, because I have this recurring late summer depression, but the addition of pain and lack of exercise just messed me up. I've actually been off this medication for over 40 days now, and most of the side effects have gone, but I still have a hard time being engaged in things. That's why I've been so quiet here.

This is in addition to the general malaise I've had since the election, where nothing seems that important or exciting anymore. I've had this dull sense of "blah" to varying degrees for a while now. I just feel so detached and it's hard to get enthused.

Some of this has to do with my wife being sick most of this year, too. She's having minor surgery on Thursday, and I'm so anxious about it that I just want to crawl out of my skin. It's fairly common, routine surgery, and she'll get to come home later that day, but... it's like this is the first major thing we're going through since her mother passed away, and it feels like we're going through it alone. I didn't really realize until this year just how much depression, anxiety and PTSD have isolated me from other people. I keep worrying about what if something goes wrong and I'm suddenly alone. I don't think I can survive without her. I don't think I want to.

God, I hate the summer. I hate it so much. I'm always up in my own head by the time my birthday rolls around in the middle of July, and then it's just nothing but depression and an overwhelming amount of sun until mid-September or so. I hate the winter, but it's the summers that kill me. But during those few months of fall and spring, I even out. It's like I have whatever the opposite of SAD is, especially during the summer afternoons, when I get so sleepy and just want to cry and go to bed for a month. Add a near-crippling amount of leg pain this year and it just feels like freaking nothing matters.

It's almost like I've forgotten who I was, or simply found there wasn't that much to me, and I just stopped being. It sucks. I'm not going to do mental medication for a while. All of that stuff about possibly being bipolar... I think everything--the anxiety, the depression, even the ADHD--just develops out from this PTSD. And that I'm focusing on more than anything with therapy.

I just want this week to be over, and fast.

I want to enjoy things again.

I want my wife to be fine.

I want 2017 to be done.

Sunday, August 06, 2017

Song of the Week: "Livin' in a World (They Didn't Make)"

From Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814, one of the best albums from the worst year of my life, 1989.