Saturday, March 12, 2016
Like last year, the date sort of sneaked up on me. I feel like the survivor's guilt I experienced for a long time has abated. I'm no longer dreading the day for the week leading up to it. I miss my little sister, but I'm not... angry. I don't hate myself any more for living while she's not here. At least, I don't this year. And I didn't last year.
Like I said last year: I don't want this date to be about how sad I am. I want it to be about remembering her and acknowledging how much I miss her. I can do that without making myself feel like I don't deserve to be here. I'm not sure I do, but... well, shit, I have to make room for other people, they can make room for me.
I miss you, Ellen. I loved being your big brother. And I always will.