So, I was just at the ER getting my head stapled.
Today Becca and I were having a pretty mild argument, and I was convinced that the real problem was just me existing and ruining everything. And when I feel like my existence is the problem, I always feel like... I have to punish myself somehow. Like I have to hurt myself or take something away from myself. It's why I have such a hard time doing anything good for myself, and why when something bad happens I feel like my being happy was the cause of it. Sometimes I hit myself or slap myself. That happens when it gets really deep, and I feel truly awful for just being here and imposing myself on the universe and the people in it.
So without even thinking about it today, deep in frustration and self-loathing, I picked up my Maglite and hit myself right in the head with it. Didn't even think about it. Just saw it and hit myself. I haven't hurt myself this bad in an incredibly long time.
There was so much blood. I was so... confused. What did I do? Why did I do it? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Becca called 911 while I turned on the faucet and held my head under it. Cops showed up. An ambulance took me to the hospital and I got three staples in my head. They numbed the area first, so it didn't hurt too bad. What really hurt was getting injections in my head to numb the area. So I can now say I've had injections in my head. That sucked. I hope that never has to happen again.
I think physically I'll probably be okay. Mentally... jeez, this is a big step. This is worse than it's been in a long time. That's part of why you don't see me on as much as I used to be. I'm too numb from what happened to even be embarrassed or upset with myself anymore. If anything, this has given me a new understanding of just how deeply this runs and how badly I need to take care of myself. I need psychological testing. I need to be on some kind of medicine. I've failed on all the medicines because of my blood pressure and because I just have no energy and can't sleep.
Gosh, I don't even feel bad about hurting myself, really. I feel bad for being so stupid and for giving us yet another medical cost when DHS is dragging its goddamn feet about reinstating our Medicaid and for fucking up what I hoped would be a nice day, but even that I'm uncharacteristically cutting myself a break on because I know this is an illness and not me just being... wrong somehow.
What I feel worst about is the way Becca panicked when she saw all that blood and how bad she felt when she got to the hospital. How scared she was. Because our pet died. And her mom died. And her grandma died just a year ago. And she's estranged from the rest of her family and feels like I'm all she's got left. And I just hurt myself without even thinking about it.
I don't ever want to see her like that again, especially not when it's my fault.
The pain I'm in is nothing compared to that.
I hate being sick. I hate feeling like I don't have any control over it.
This really sucks, you guys.