Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Health Report: Gross Pictures of My Head Wound Edition

So, I was just at the ER getting my head stapled.

I'm not even sure what's going on with me anymore, but let's keep charting my descent into madness.

I know there are people out there who think mental illness isn't a real thing... that stigma kept me from getting any help for years. I think I'm dealing with two things right now: trauma from childhood abuse, and actual mental illness. I think they both go back a very long time, into early childhood.

Today Becca and I were having a pretty mild argument, and I was convinced that the real problem was just me existing and ruining everything. And when I feel like my existence is the problem, I always feel like... I have to punish myself somehow. Like I have to hurt myself or take something away from myself. It's why I have such a hard time doing anything good for myself, and why when something bad happens I feel like my being happy was the cause of it. Sometimes I hit myself or slap myself. That happens when it gets really deep, and I feel truly awful for just being here and imposing myself on the universe and the people in it.

So without even thinking about it today, deep in frustration and self-loathing, I picked up my Maglite and hit myself right in the head with it. Didn't even think about it. Just saw it and hit myself. I haven't hurt myself this bad in an incredibly long time.

There was so much blood. I was so... confused. What did I do? Why did I do it? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Becca called 911 while I turned on the faucet and held my head under it. Cops showed up. An ambulance took me to the hospital and I got three staples in my head. They numbed the area first, so it didn't hurt too bad. What really hurt was getting injections in my head to numb the area. So I can now say I've had injections in my head. That sucked. I hope that never has to happen again.

I think physically I'll probably be okay. Mentally... jeez, this is a big step. This is worse than it's been in a long time. That's part of why you don't see me on as much as I used to be. I'm too numb from what happened to even be embarrassed or upset with myself anymore. If anything, this has given me a new understanding of just how deeply this runs and how badly I need to take care of myself. I need psychological testing. I need to be on some kind of medicine. I've failed on all the medicines because of my blood pressure and because I just have no energy and can't sleep.

Gosh, I don't even feel bad about hurting myself, really. I feel bad for being so stupid and for giving us yet another medical cost when DHS is dragging its goddamn feet about reinstating our Medicaid and for fucking up what I hoped would be a nice day, but even that I'm uncharacteristically cutting myself a break on because I know this is an illness and not me just being... wrong somehow.

What I feel worst about is the way Becca panicked when she saw all that blood and how bad she felt when she got to the hospital. How scared she was. Because our pet died. And her mom died. And her grandma died just a year ago. And she's estranged from the rest of her family and feels like I'm all she's got left. And I just hurt myself without even thinking about it.

I don't ever want to see her like that again, especially not when it's my fault.

The pain I'm in is nothing compared to that.

I hate being sick. I hate feeling like I don't have any control over it.

This really sucks, you guys.

7 comments:

Autumn said...

I'm sending you positive thoughts, I wish I had advice or...kittens or something but I don't. So positive thoughts your way!

Roger Owen Green said...

Mr. Frog-
Don't know what to say. Positive vibrations from afar seem rather lame, but that's all I've got.
That and I had no idea a flashlight could leave suck a gash. Never had a Maglite.
Take care of yourself. I like having you around.

Jason said...

Aaron, man... like everybody else, I really don't know what to say, what could possibly help. But know that I wish I could help, and that it looks to me like quite a few people care about whether you're here or not. For what it's worth, I've got my fingers crossed that you can get the help you need...

Acetate (Frank Ziegler) said...

Hang in there man. Sorry to hear of your set back ( if one can call it that ) love reading your blog. You're an excellent writer and critic. Focus on things you like and get any help you may need. Wishing you the best!

Devilham said...

Thinking of you and Becca and hoping you get the right medication to help you control this soon.

Kelly Sedinger said...

I have nothing to offer but continued expressions of sympathy, emotional support, and fondness for your particular brand of banana oil!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Agreed. I fight the fight myself everyday to keep myself from slipping into the abyss so I feel your pain and I am happy for every tiny step forward that you make.