Friday, November 06, 2015

Health Update Again

So, that cold/sinus thing that I came down with on Monday night has turned out to be the flu.

That, coupled with how low I was on Monday after my psychiatry appointment, has made for a real downer of a week. I'm sorry I haven't really been talking to anyone, but I got a lot of supportive comments and emails that spun out of my last post. I try not to have breakdowns like that on my blog, but anyone who's been following me for even a little bit knows that it's not always easy for me. Having the flu just makes it that much harder, because the flu symptoms just make the anxiety that much worse.

I honestly wish I could just sleep for three days and wake up with the flu gone. Man, wouldn't that be fantastic? As you can imagine, it's just been that much harder for me to sleep. But now that I know it's the flu, here comes the NyQuil...

Boy, nothing puts your problems into perspective like a sudden illness.

And realizing how much support I have. Thanks, folks. That meant a lot. I apologize that part of my neuroses is that getting messages of support makes me feel uncomfortable; often, too uncomfortable to acknowledge it, because being withholding towards myself is really part of keeping that abuse cycle PTSD going. I know it can come across like I don't appreciate it. I really, really do. It kept me going when I wanted to just scuttle my online presence.

No one punishes me like me.

Tuesday, November 03, 2015

A Discouraging Health Report

I went to see a new psychiatrist yesterday. The good news is, it didn't cost me anything; this facility doesn't take a co-pay from people on public assistance. That's pretty much the only good news.

We can't rule out ADHD because it requires psychological testing and Medicaid doesn't pay for psychological testing. It might not even be ADHD because there's every possibility that it might just be anxiety and depression interacting with how badly I sleep. I need to see a sleep specialist but, honestly, I'm worried to pursue that because I have no idea what Medicaid will pay for as far as that's concerned, and I don't want to be stuck with another gigantic medical bill that I have no hope of paying.

The doctor also recommended light therapy, but the lights costs hundreds of dollars, so there's no way. When you're struggling to just pay your rent, everything seems like a luxury. Even basic health needs and hygiene products.

I left this session feeling more hopeless than when I went in. It seems like I'm just unable to take anti-anxiety medications because they raise my blood pressure too high. My blood pressure is already incredibly high, and the anxiety just makes it worse. I can't take anything sedating regularly because it takes away my motivation and I just lay around and get fat and feel even worse about myself than I usually do. So the medical option as far as reducing my anxiety is just... not there, I guess.

The cherry on all of this is that I feel like shit because I'm coming down with whatever cold/sinus thing my wife has been dealing with the past couple of days.

I've been reading a lot about the psychological effects of poverty, and it's really all there. Being poor and needy and struggling with this mental thing has been a nightmare. It's more clear than ever that this is coupled with a PTSD from childhood abuse that's just making everything worse, because I feel like I must deserve everything that's happening to me. I can hear society telling me now that it's all my fault for letting myself become so poor and so fat. I hate myself for needing to eat at all. I eat as little as possible, but my body holds on to everything because it thinks it's starving all the time. I feel like eating is doing something wrong, and I get incredibly sad afterwards.

I can barely exercise because I'm in so much pain trying to walk around.

I feel like I've ruined Becca's life by tying myself to it. I feel like I've fucked up my life beyond salvaging. I feel like experiencing happiness is wrong, because I know society thinks that because I'm poor and get food stamps and public health assistance and am in therapy that I should just be suffering all the time.

My case manager is worried because I wear the same couple of shirts all the time because I can't buy any more and they're the only ones I have that fit.

I toss and turn and worry all night, but I go to bed every night hoping that this is the night I'll finally die in my sleep so this nightmare can end.

I should just quit therapy because it's clearly not helping and I feel awful that I'm wasting everybody's time.

I've cut myself out of everyone's life because I don't understand how anyone could love me and I don't want to inconvenience anyone with having to know me.

I'm probably not going to be around on this blog so much for a while. Everything seems so pointless. I'm so pointless. I'm so tired of myself and tired of being alive and tired of hoping that I'm going to help myself out of this. I just want to stop caring about things.

I'm very tired. And I'm very upset. And I'm tired of being me.

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Song of the Week: "Celebrity Skin"

I've talked before about how it took me a long time to really start giving grunge a chance; when it was dominating the radio, I was checking out from mainstream music. It was aimed at depressed teenagers when I myself was a depressed teenager, but it still passed me by, mostly because the fans I knew were fashion grunge, and I had serious problems no one wanted to hear about. However, I did love one contemporary album, which was Hole's Live Through This. Everyone talks about how Nevermind was their seminal album, but I never actually sat and listened to it until this year. Sometimes you have to get away from the fans a decade or two to let yourself appreciate something, and most of the people I knew who loved Nevermind were scumbags (and in one case, someone who mentally abused me). But the way people describe Nevermind is how I always felt about Live Through This. That was a seminal album for me.

Hole's 1998 follow-up Celebrity Skin, however, didn't live up to it. But I really dug this song. It's probably the power pop vibe. Not the direction I expected Hole to go in, and the album didn't really sell it, but it's a great little single.