Friday, March 20, 2015

This Week in Neat-O

:: This American Bro: A Portrait of the Worst Guy Ever

:: Thor Is Selling More Comics As A Woman

:: The trailer for the 1981 film Roar. I've read a lot about the making of this movie lately, and it's all so fascinatingly insane. I've been trying to see it, so I'm glad to see it's hitting VOD this summer. Man, even watching the trailer makes me me incredibly nervous.

:: Pixels looks kinda cute and kinda lame and has a few actors I dig in it. God, I hate Kevin James, though. Just... so, so much. But when it shows up on HBO, I'm going to waste a pizza-and-Coke-filled night with it, my fantasies of Ashley Benson, and my dear, dear love for Pac-Man.

:: Oh my gosh, that new Age of Ultron TV spot. I am desperate to see this movie.

But the thing I'm most looking forward to this summer, for real?

All the time I hope I'm going to spend with Becca playing this:

Monday, March 16, 2015

23

Happy Birthday, Ellen.

I Am Not Doing Well Right Now

No, I was wrong. The grief I feel at this time of year really hit me hard last night. Terribly hard. I had an appointment this morning with my psychiatrist, and my blood pressure was 183/90. Not as bad as it was recently in a doctor's office, but still very high. And I can feel it, too. In my head, behind my eyes, in my bloodstream. I can always tell when it's going too fast. I can tell when my pulse is high, which it was.

I've had a very stressful few weeks, and the stress continues. Last night I could barely function and had an emotional breakdown. Becca tried to help me through it by asking questions to see if they'd lead anywhere. She ended up asking me, point blank, "Do you feel like you have to punish yourself for being alive?"

And, yeah, I think that about sums it up. A lot of it, anyway.

Apparently I've had undiagnosed ADHD since childhood, and all of the behaviors I'd developed to compensate for it just went away for those years when I was on Lexapro. I was displaying what my counselors thought was (and diagnosed as) Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Non-Specific Mood Disorder, and while those things are there, they seem to sometimes be symptoms of my ADHD. I guess it feels like we've finally traced the river all the way back to its source. ADHD is something we can treat with medication and counseling, and it actually explains many, many occasions in my life--occasions that I still remember and have bad feelings about, going as far back as age 5--as something psychological rather than just me being... wrong, in some unexplainable, horrible way. It explains to me why some things that seem like they're easy for other adults are so hard for me. It makes me realize I'm not just lazy. I'm disabled. And I can try to live with that and have a real life.

It does make me feel better.

But there are a lot of traumas that I haven't dealt with very well because of the ADHD. My car accident, for one. And for another, my sister dying. It feels terribly wrong and unfair that my sister should die and I should be alive, because deep down inside I feel like that was a mistake on the part of... something. Like my own death would be less sad and less... unwelcome, I guess. It just seems so wrong to me. I've spent my whole life expecting to be invalidated, and for me to be the one bad things happen to, and for something that bad to happen to a different member of my family, let alone a 13 year-old girl, four days before her birthday... my sister, my own goddaughter... no, I can't make sense of it. I have had a terrible time accepting it, and I still haven't. I know it's what happened: my sister developed bone cancer and after a year of chemotherapy she passed away in the middle of the night. But it's so fucking wrong.

So I guess, yeah, somewhere inside I feel like it's not right for me to have any sort of life or to be happy for too long. Happiness eventually makes me nervous, like it's inviting some sort of badness in. I feel like everything comes to nothing for me and nothing turns out the way I want it, and that that's the way things are supposed to be. I have problems letting myself feel good. Or wanting things for myself. Or getting things. Orr hoping for things to happen. I don't really know what hope feels like anymore. Not really. I just understand what the word means intellectually.

Having just gone through another spin on antidepressants--which made me realize that I cannot be on antidepressants because they just increase my ADHD fog and take away my motivation--my body is wrecked and I weigh more than I ever have. It's hard to do things. Everything still seems complex and overwhelming. I feel like I'm at my lowest and I don't know if the new medication I'm on now is really effective or not, although I can focus and concentrate better when I try.

It feels like spring today. The snow is almost entirely gone, the ice is definitely gone, and things are warming up. It's 55 degrees today, and it's nice to have the window open and hear the birds. It's cloudy as hell, but it's still nice. After my psychologist this morning, Becca and I went out for breakfast, something we haven't done in a while. I like doing that. Getting breakfast with her is one of my favorite things in the world; it makes me feel like things are better. Like I can come back from this.

Like I'm easing back into the world.

But this has been a stressful few weeks, and this weekend was pretty awful. And I know now that I'm punishing myself just for being alive. It was a longtime self-esteem problem that finally broke me when Ellen died.

I don't want to live like this anymore, but at least I want to live. Now I've got to build up from there.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Song of the Week: "Brain Damage"

I feel like I have it right now. Medical evaluations will never end... can't wait. Anyway, this is a fun cover by the Austin Lounge Lizards.