Tuesday, November 03, 2015

A Discouraging Health Report

I went to see a new psychiatrist yesterday. The good news is, it didn't cost me anything; this facility doesn't take a co-pay from people on public assistance. That's pretty much the only good news.

We can't rule out ADHD because it requires psychological testing and Medicaid doesn't pay for psychological testing. It might not even be ADHD because there's every possibility that it might just be anxiety and depression interacting with how badly I sleep. I need to see a sleep specialist but, honestly, I'm worried to pursue that because I have no idea what Medicaid will pay for as far as that's concerned, and I don't want to be stuck with another gigantic medical bill that I have no hope of paying.

The doctor also recommended light therapy, but the lights costs hundreds of dollars, so there's no way. When you're struggling to just pay your rent, everything seems like a luxury. Even basic health needs and hygiene products.

I left this session feeling more hopeless than when I went in. It seems like I'm just unable to take anti-anxiety medications because they raise my blood pressure too high. My blood pressure is already incredibly high, and the anxiety just makes it worse. I can't take anything sedating regularly because it takes away my motivation and I just lay around and get fat and feel even worse about myself than I usually do. So the medical option as far as reducing my anxiety is just... not there, I guess.

The cherry on all of this is that I feel like shit because I'm coming down with whatever cold/sinus thing my wife has been dealing with the past couple of days.

I've been reading a lot about the psychological effects of poverty, and it's really all there. Being poor and needy and struggling with this mental thing has been a nightmare. It's more clear than ever that this is coupled with a PTSD from childhood abuse that's just making everything worse, because I feel like I must deserve everything that's happening to me. I can hear society telling me now that it's all my fault for letting myself become so poor and so fat. I hate myself for needing to eat at all. I eat as little as possible, but my body holds on to everything because it thinks it's starving all the time. I feel like eating is doing something wrong, and I get incredibly sad afterwards.

I can barely exercise because I'm in so much pain trying to walk around.

I feel like I've ruined Becca's life by tying myself to it. I feel like I've fucked up my life beyond salvaging. I feel like experiencing happiness is wrong, because I know society thinks that because I'm poor and get food stamps and public health assistance and am in therapy that I should just be suffering all the time.

My case manager is worried because I wear the same couple of shirts all the time because I can't buy any more and they're the only ones I have that fit.

I toss and turn and worry all night, but I go to bed every night hoping that this is the night I'll finally die in my sleep so this nightmare can end.

I should just quit therapy because it's clearly not helping and I feel awful that I'm wasting everybody's time.

I've cut myself out of everyone's life because I don't understand how anyone could love me and I don't want to inconvenience anyone with having to know me.

I'm probably not going to be around on this blog so much for a while. Everything seems so pointless. I'm so pointless. I'm so tired of myself and tired of being alive and tired of hoping that I'm going to help myself out of this. I just want to stop caring about things.

I'm very tired. And I'm very upset. And I'm tired of being me.


William Mercado said...

Hey you're not pointless
you're Becca's husband and friend
you do stuff that entertains people especially me

Roger Owen Green said...

Frog - I hate arguing with you, but you're just wrong.

You have great value, to Becca, to me, to a bunch of us out here in the hinterland.

You and I are not that dissimilar. For me, the writing is the salvation. I know you don't want to piss and moan all the time, but I'd prefer that to you cutting yourself off. My pop psychology assessment is that you cutting yourself off will make you feel even worse off.

To quote the line from White Lines, "Don't do it."

Oblio said...

ME AGREES!!! It's so easy to get spun out by crappy news and crappy health and all the crappy stuff. However, you are the only person in the world with that seething, churning, fantastic brain, and we out here in the Hinterlands need to know that your words and vision are here for us all to engorge ourselves with, like ravenous hogs. You have a beautiful wife, a life above-ground, and lots of Green Fans. Hang tough!!!!!

"Happiness is a direction, not a place."
-- Sydney J. Harris, journalist (1917-1986)

Carl said...

You're still looking for help, and that's a great first step! Don't give up! And don't cut yourself off from people who love and care about you.

Jason said...

Oh man... I understand where you're coming from. The bit about feeling like you've ruined Becca's life especially resonates, because I often feel that way about my mate. But damn, I hate seeing you so far down. As the others have said, you are NOT pointless and you most certainly DO have value. To a lot of people. This is one of the few blogs I still read with any regularity, and I enjoy your insights no matter what the topic. You've got a good mind and a way with words. And as Roger says, cutting yourself off, not giving that mind an outlet, isn't going to help...

Hang in there, pal.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I have been there myself brother and I can tell you that it does get better. Everyday is a new chance to do a little bit better and those little steps really add up. I know. I refused to believe the truth myself but I lived it. You are not alone. You are never alone and I know I need your brain working to inspire me to do my best work. That's the truth.

Keir said...

Reading this at 3.30 in the morning; can't sleep either with anxiety attacks. I teach at the most expensive private school in the region so always feel stress as I check again for any emails from disgruntled parents or work that was due a week ago.
Here's something I've just read to help you sleep easily (and free): http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3067526/Can-t-sleep-4-7-8-breathing-technique-claims-help-nod-60-SECONDS.html
I won't spout platitudes or aphorisms, but what I did when I was at a loose end was move to China. Was able to teach without any real qualifications. Super cheap- ate out every night. I hated the place after the first year, but every day was an adventure; a new experience. After 8 years I left and am now teaching outside Munich. They say you can't leave your problems behind which is true enough, but at least you can realise more opportunities. You probably wouldn't imagine teaching in Nepal amongst Buddhist monks unless you somehow had the experience thrust your way.

Tonio Kruger said...

Hang in there.

You influence more people for the better than you know and while I can understand the temptations you feel all too well -- I struggle with health problems and financial issues myself and have seriously considered committing suicide several times during my time -- I also understand that there are people out there who would miss you very much if you went away for good.