Thursday, April 09, 2015

I Really Used to Be an Asshole

For the past couple of weeks, I've been looking at some of the earlier stuff from this blog. It began with Google's threat back in February that they were going to take blogs with nudity and adult content and make them private; I deleted a bunch of old stuff, and ended up looking at my first two years blogging here and really seeing myself through the prism of having had undiagnosed ADHD and other anxiety/anger issues.

I've been blogging for 10 years, since I was 28 years old. I've really changed a lot in those 10 years. Most of my passions are the same, but I can really see that I've changed the way I process and express those passions. Although I still do have my moments of outburst, those are fewer now. At some point, I stopped externalizing my anxiety and started internalizing it, which is its own can of worms, but I can see that engaging in that kind of negativity almost every day on this blog wasn't really helping me. And some of the things I said in the past... jeez. I'm not embarrassed exactly, but I'd like to give my younger self a bracing slap across the face for some of the dumb things I've said.

It's encouraging to me that I'm not embarrassed. Rather, I like that I can look back and see how far I come, how I've changed, and how I've really kind of grown up in the last decade. I guess I've always done things later than a lot of other people; I didn't go to college until I was 25, for example, and I graduated at 30. At 38, I feel like I've at least matured to the point of having genuine compassion... and of knowing exactly how many things in the world don't require any angry rant disguised as commentary.

It's spring now, and in spring I feel better and tend to feel like I've really grown. It's nice to be able to look at something and see that, wow, yes, I really have. And I'm really glad I'm not that person anymore, who said some of those hateful, ridiculous things.

3 comments:

Nathan DeHoff said...

I think I know what you mean. I've looked back at old stuff I've written, and found that my opinions, interests, and sense of humor were basically the same, I could be a lot nastier in expressing them.

Roger Owen Green said...

My last decade of writing does not bother me greatly. But some of my earlier journal stuff - YUCK.
Anyway, glad you're doing the blog thing. I've been here - how long, don't rightly know - maybe 7 or 8 years? - and I always appreciate your POV.

Oblio said...

Heh heh heh... yeppers, it's called growing up and getting older and wiser, and we all do it to one level or another. I like to say that the older I get, the smarter my Dad was.