Thursday, March 12, 2015
Usually, I'm a wreck at this time of the year. This is the first year when this date sort of snuck up on me. I think it has a lot to do with special circumstances--I've been in for some medical evaluations in the past couple of weeks that I haven't talked about, but my blood pressure really shot up as a result (203/110 at one point) and my anxiety was through the roof. So I guess I didn't really have time to feel the intense depression I usually feel throughout March. Or maybe the Wellbutrin is doing its job.
I miss my sister as much as I ever did, but I think I've been processing her death better this year. I never really processed until recently a lot of the feelings I've had about her passing. Not survivor's guilt, exactly, but a tremendous challenge to my deep-rooted belief in my lack of worth. There's a sort of PTSD that built up around it, and I've been trying to make peace with myself and get past it. I don't want Ellen's death to be about my tangled mess of emotions. I want to untangle them. I want this yearly remembrance to be about her and not about my depression, guilt and grief. I think I'm finally doing that. I think this is the first year when I've been ready to. She wouldn't want me to feel like this.
I love you, Ellen, I miss you. I'm glad we got to say goodbye.