Thursday, March 12, 2015

3/12/06

9 years today since my sister Ellen lost her battle with bone cancer.

Usually, I'm a wreck at this time of the year. This is the first year when this date sort of snuck up on me. I think it has a lot to do with special circumstances--I've been in for some medical evaluations in the past couple of weeks that I haven't talked about, but my blood pressure really shot up as a result (203/110 at one point) and my anxiety was through the roof. So I guess I didn't really have time to feel the intense depression I usually feel throughout March. Or maybe the Wellbutrin is doing its job.

I miss my sister as much as I ever did, but I think I've been processing her death better this year. I never really processed until recently a lot of the feelings I've had about her passing. Not survivor's guilt, exactly, but a tremendous challenge to my deep-rooted belief in my lack of worth. There's a sort of PTSD that built up around it, and I've been trying to make peace with myself and get past it. I don't want Ellen's death to be about my tangled mess of emotions. I want to untangle them. I want this yearly remembrance to be about her and not about my depression, guilt and grief. I think I'm finally doing that. I think this is the first year when I've been ready to. She wouldn't want me to feel like this.

I love you, Ellen, I miss you. I'm glad we got to say goodbye.

5 comments:

Jason said...

I'm glad you're doing better with this anniversary. Sounds like maybe you're moving on a bit. Sorry to hear about the other stuff, though.. the blood pressure spike is pretty scary! I know before I got mine under control, I could actually FEEL when it was high... my head felt like it was going to blow off the top of my neck. Hated it...

Oblio said...

Nice post, nice image, glad to know it's getting less painful for you to remember your sister. My younger brother has been gone 10 years now, and I still miss him like crazy. I wrote about it a few years back, hope you'll get a chance to read my essay about him. Take care of that BP, Mr. Green!

http://gortnation.blogspot.com/2011/04/thicker-than-water.html

Kelly Sedinger said...

Best wishes to you and your family.

SamuraiFrog said...

Thank you for your kind words, everyone.

Roger Owen Green said...

I'm g;ad you're doing better too. But as I say A LOT, apparently, grief isn't linear. Next year will be 10 years; might be worse - those round numbers. But it tends to move in a general pattern of better, and that IS a relief.
Good luck.