Friday, May 23, 2014

Answers, Part III

James has a question: if you could have one job, or one career, where money essentially became a moot point, what would you choose to do?

This is an interesting question philosophically, but a hard one for me to answer. Well, the short answer is: writer. I've always been a writer, and I've always wanted to do it more seriously. I've started novels in the past and never finished them, because of confidence problems, anxiety problems, time management issues (which generally stem from anxiety and depression in my case). One thing I've been discovering about myself in therapy is that if I'm doing something well enough that people start to notice it, I feel like I don't deserve any credit and begin to pull back or find ways to sabotage myself without really realizing that's what I'm doing.

But I also have this thing, too, where my lack of confidence and my deep-rooted belief in my insignificance holds me back. I'm a low-motivated individual, and I think I finally understand why: it's because, deep down in my heart, I just can't picture myself as actually being very good at anything. So I can't picture myself doing anything, because I just don't have this picture of myself as being able to succeed. I guess that's a big part of why I feel so stuck.

If I could overcome that and the financial issues... well, I'd really like to write comic books. Or be a Muppet performer. I couldn't decide between those as a kid, and I guess I still can't.

New York Erratic asks: If you could have the superpowers of any character, which character and why?

I think I've always wanted to be Superman. I love Superman because of the choices he makes. He chooses to be us. He chooses to be better. He chooses not to be a victim. He chooses to stand up for people and help them. I'd like to be able to make those choices.

Conversely, also from NYE: Have you ever wanted to be a villain? Which villain(s)?

I've played the villain with friends, back when you're at that age where you take sticks and pretend you're fighting with swords or lightsabers, and let me tell you, they were always scared of me. They always said there was some sort of look in my eye, like they thought I might really hurt them, but I never felt like I was going to. I just thought I was getting into playing, like acting.

The thing is, I do have the potential in me to hurt someone physically. I know this, because I've come close. I used to have a lot less control of my anger, which I've talked about before. I was basically like the Hulk. It scared the hell out of me, and I'm scared of physical confrontation because I really don't want to be in the position of hurting someone. That would be hard for me to live with.

I guess I want to be the hero but I'm kind of afraid that I'm actually the villain because of misunderstandings or something I have no control over.

I could never be the intellectual villain because... well, come on, you have the genius and money of Lex Luthor and you don't spend your time finding cures for cancer and building homes for the homeless and creating jobs and spearheading alternative energy ventures and ruining the auto industry by building better, electric cars and devoting yourself to making space exploration cheaper? Jeez, I just will never understand that kind of greed. I may lack motivation, but if money was no object, motivation wouldn't be the issue. Feeling like you can make a difference is a big part of making a difference.

If I were Lex Luthor I'd be helping Superman out in any way he needed so that he'd do me a favor and help me build wells in Africa. Make the world better. That lack of imagination really makes it hard to appreciate Lex Luthor's supposedly massive intellect.

And let's end this round with The Pretentious Know It All, who asks: If you could be friends with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

This is a hard question, actually, because ever since I was tiny I've wanted to be friends with Artoo Detoo... But I think I'd really like to be friends with Spock. I think he would compliment my emotional nature nicely, and would have a lot to teach me about being thoughtful, mindful, calm, and occasionally serene. I'm pretty much a Dr. McCoy already. I guess that's why I've always been so much more interested in Spock.

Also, it would be bizarre hanging around with someone I've dressed as for Halloween.

1 comment:

Roger Owen Green said...

Good answers!