Saturday, April 19, 2014

50 Shades of Smartass: Chapter 24

Somehow, this is singularly the most boring chapter in the book. Unless you're actually caught up in this shitty excuse for romance, in which case I imagine it makes your insides tingle. See a doctor about that.

In this chapter, they're just all lovey-dovey for a while. Christian wakes Ana up early for a surprise so they can "chase the dawn." They talk about music; it all sounds like a shitty writer trying to write a real, mundane conversation, but it's so pointless. Again, we don't have to spend every second of their lives with these two. He's got Britney Spears on his iPod; apparently a former sub, Leila, put it there. Foreshadowing? Do you care?

We also learn more about his former subs, but really only that Mrs. Robinson's actual name is Elena, and that he had four subs including Leila who wanted more from him, but he wasn't willing to give more until Ana because she's so amazing and blah blah blah.

They go out in a glider, but mostly it's just Ana fretting about how anxious she is and then, when she finally enjoys it, belaboring that idiotic Icarus metaphor she keeps trying so hard to not make seem ridiculously stupid. The whole thing is, at heart, just EL James telling us about how she's seen the original Thomas Crown Affair, because that's where her entire description of the glider comes from. (This whole sequence, by the way, goes on for paaaaaages, including a bit where Christian talks into the radio using a lot of jargon, and it's unintentionally hysterical.)

Then they go to IHOP, of all places, and they talk even more boringly about how horny they are and how they're really having a for reals relationship, y'all, (including painfully needless descriptions of their original buttermilk pancake breakfasts) and then the waitress is totally dazzled by how gorgeous Christian is because we need yet another reminder that he's amazingly sexy.

Somehow, I always picture this.

I mean, sure, we're all in love and he's so cute, you guys, and he loves me so much and he remembers what my favorite tea is so that means he loves me and it makes up for all of his abusive, controlling dickbag behavior, even though at any point you could just switch out Christian Grey for Michael Fassbender in 12 Years a Slave and the change would be unnoticeable.

Oh, jeez, they even do this.

"'Do I disarm you?'

I snort. 'All the time.'"

Twilight fanfiction credentials reaffirmed!

Ana wants to pay for breakfast, since she could actually afford it, but Christian refuses her nice gesture, calling it "emasculating."

So Christian drops off Ana at home, and then some more of their stupid email flirting, and then Christian tells Ana she talks in her sleep, and the rest of the chapter is going to be her fretting herself into insanity about what he must have heard her say, because we need to manufacture more drama for the last two chapters. Then Christian has to go back to Seattle to deal with some kind of situation, again for the sake of drama.

Oh, and Ana gets a call from pre-Raphaelite lady and she gets the job as assistant to "Mr. Jack Hyde," which will probably be an endless source of drama in the next book. Will Christian and Mr. Hyde have to wage in a battle of wills over Ana's very soul? Who will win? The representation of "the classics" or the representation of modern lit? Christian or Jack? Edward of Jacob? Are you on Team I Don't Give a Shit or Team You Couldn't Pay Me Enough to Read Another of These? Drama, drama, drama. So dramatic I need Dramamine.

Anyway, this was probably the best chapter in the book, if only because it was so pointless and brimming with things that a real editor would have recommended trimming down that it was easy to skim through.

Almost over... almost over...

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