Sunday, November 03, 2013

Smartass Summaries Are Returning to This Blog

The other day when I was just sitting here, minding my own beeswax, a package came to the door. I noticed it was from a book vendor and just assumed that it was something for Becca for work. But no: the package was addressed to me. Intrigueresting.

Opening it up, I found inside a copy of EL James' 50 Shades of Grey. And nothing else. It was a cryptic, bizarre moment. Just me and this book, staring at each other.

I remember how, in the lead-up to the rehearsal dinner, Carl had mentioned that he wanted me to return to my old Summarized by a Smartass ways. For those of you who weren't here, back in 2009 (!) and 2007 (!!) I did two series on this blog: The Bible Summarized by a Smartass and Twilight Summarized by a Smartass. The first one came about simply because I wanted to read the bible all the way through and really talk about the problems I had with it. But reading it is also incredibly numbing, so I wanted to be funny and sarcastic, too. The resulting series was popular enough that some readers wanted me to do another book. I thought about other religious texts, but I was wiped out enough by the bible and felt more comfortable criticizing it because I had been raised as a Lutheran. But I wanted to do something else because the bible series had been fun.

I thought about it for a couple of years, with the caveat that I wanted something "as popular as the bible, but with as disproportionately large an amount of overly-vocal nutjobs." Someone suggested Twilight. I found it was impossible to get my hands on a copy that I didn't have to pay for, so Kelly stepped in and mailed me his copy. And thus began the numbing six months of Twilight Summarized by a Smartass.

Today, even though I don't think I have half the amount of readers I had then, people still sometimes bring up the series and ask me if I'm going to do another one. At the time, I resisted people in the comment section asking me to keep going and do New Moon, the next book in the Twilight series.

And then Carl said to me this summer: 50 Shades of Grey.

It seemed like a great idea. But I don't have any money and I couldn't just check out a copy from the library for three weeks and finish it off. And Carl offered to find me a cheap copy and send it to me. I thought he had abandoned this idea.

But then, on Facebook, he left me a picture of Mr. Burns rubbing his hands together and the cryptic message "My plan is coming to fruition." And now, he had made good on his threat: I now own a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.

You bastard.

You magnificent bastard.

So now it's my turn to make good. I said if he'd find me a copy, I'd do it, so I'm in this now.

Starting next Saturday, straight through for 26 Saturdays, I'll be posting 50 Shades of Smartass.

The adventure continues.


Devilham said...

Starting to like this Carl person! Can't wait to read your thoughts!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I first found your sight because of your snarky Twilight reviews and I was hooked. Looking forward to you taking another one for the team here. Could Ender's Game be next? There is a movie review of yours that I look forward to reading.

Carl said...

There were a few times I carried a copy around in a book store with every intention of buying it for you. I just couldn't bring myself to say to another human being, "Hello. I'd like to exchange money for this product, please."

This is the reason Al Gore created the internet. So that I could purchase this book anonymously, and you could make fun of it.

Josh Rothberg said...

For whatever reason, my wife thought I would want to read the Twilight books and bought me the set for a X-Mas present years ago. Because of your very good summaries, I did read those books and laughed with each pathos-gripping page after another. So, long story short, I can't wait for your 50 shades summary which I'm sure will be hilarious especially since it started life as a Twilight fan-fiction. Maybe I'll read along with you if I can find the time or the book at the library. My wife, of course, bought and read all three but sold them already.

Roger Owen Green said...

Cal - It may be me, but I don't think Ender's Game has either the MASS awareness OR the mass contempt of 50 Shades of Gray. Everyone I know who read Ender's Game LIKED Ender's Game, even if they hate OSC's politics.

A couple of decades ago, The Bridges of Madison County might have been that book, widely reviled yet widely read. (And made into a surprisingly decent movie.)

SamuraiFrog said...

I actually have recently read Ender's Game, and I LOATHED it. Less for political reasons and more for just how terribly written it is (and I don't buy the moral intentionalism of it).

I read Bridges in high school.