Thursday, October 03, 2013

A Further Medication Update

I saw my psychiatrist earlier today, and he agrees with me and my therapist that it's time to stop looking for a medical treatment for my disorders. Three times I've tried medications. One made me numb and totally without motivation for years; the other two raised my blood pressure dangerously and made me suicidal. Not "I'm going to kill myself because I'm depressed and feel sorry for myself" suicidal, but "Maybe this is the only avenue I have left to make all of this pain stop" suicidal. That's not something I ever want to feel again. It's something I've felt a couple of times in the past few months, and both when I was taking a prescribed drug.

So we're going to stick with the as-needed Xanax, which I usually take only once or twice every three weeks, and the rest is going to be what got me through August just fine: meditation, rationalizing with myself, regular exercise, breathing techniques, relaxation techniques, and otherwise trying to stay clear-headed. I feel like I've lost a lot of progress this month because of this.

The buspirone is almost completely out of my system. I still get tense and angry at night, but not as bad as before. My heart rate is back to mostly normal; last week, at the height of this intensity, my blood pressure was a high-even-for-me 160/104. Today, it was 150/88. So trying to relax and exercise is working. I'm still very tired, but I can relax now. And I sleep through the night without Xanax again.

So at least that's something. I'm not doing the medication thing again.


Yasmin said...

I'm sorry to hear the medication isn't working for you. I didn't work for me, either. But it always seems the first thing doctors try. In a way I understand it, you have to try every available option and as far as these go, medication is relatively cheap and easy. But what gets overlooked too often are the side effects. I think most people can't even begin to comprehend the kind of side effects a medication can have that is supposed to mess with your brain...

SamuraiFrog said...

Yeah, I understand why they want the option and why they try it, but I'm wondering if they were even, for example, taking my high blood pressure into account when it came to these medications. I was talking to my mother about this, and she asked "Do you really need to take migraine medicine every day just because you had a headache once?" It was kind of an oversimplification, but on the other hand, her point that not everyone should be on those kinds of meds was well taken. I think she just saw me doing better without it and doesn't know why they'd want to put me on something else.

Quince said...

Did you mean to say you made alot of progress instead of losing alot of progress? Not being a smartass just interested in pursuing relaxation techniques and want to know if they work.

Which ones do you use?

Ironside said...

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... One day at a time... Love yourself... Believe you are worthy of love... Because you are!!!

SamuraiFrog said...

Quince: No, I meant lost. Because this month I've been such a shambles; the medication mishap just put me off track, and I feel worse than I did through August, when things were better. One of my main problems is that I get discouraged easily, and now I feel like I've spent an entire month getting sidetracked instead of making strides forward; my therapist keeps telling me that I haven't rolled back my progress, but I have a hard time not feeling that way.

The relaxation techniques I've had the most success with of late (other than out and out meditating) are deep breathing (4 seconds in, 2 seconds hold, 6 seconds out, in a rhythm), focusing on a specific moment instead of letting my mind race, tensing and then relaxing muscles (progressive muscle relaxation), closing my eyes and hearing without judging, stopping everything and listening to a song, stopping everything and just standing for five minutes, or just visualizing. Visualizing has been helping me sleep a lot this week.

Ironside: Thank you!