Wednesday, August 21, 2013

80s Revisited: Tango & Cash

Tango & Cash (1989)
Directed by Andrei Konchalovsky and Albert Magnoli; written by Randy Feldman; produced by Peter MacDonald and Peter Guber & Jon Peters.

Sometimes you see a movie in high school that you think is so bad that you decide you never want to see it again. And then sometimes your wife asks you to TiVo that movie because it's going to be on and she's never seen it. What do you do in that situation?

Well, they say marriage is compromise.

And hey, 80's Revisited is always there.

So... win-win, I guess.

I last saw Tango & Cash when I was about 14, during one of the dozen or so times my sister watched it on cable. My memory was of a movie so excessive, so remarkably lame, that I just couldn't bring myself to ever watch it on my own. And I like Kurt Russell. Hell, I like Stallone, too. I like Stallone maybe more than a person who likes good movies should. I like stupid action flicks. But I just didn't like this one. I just... didn't. So, I thought, I force Becca to sit through enough movies she doesn't end up liking, I'll take the hit and see if time has changed my opinion on this picture's ridiculousness. Maybe I'd end up digging it this time as something of a fun, silly movie.

Nope.

It's pretty damn stupid.

It pretty much fails at even being a movie in the first place. I know there are people out there--including my wife, now--who love this thing the way some people love a big, stupid, slobbery puppy that gets so excited it accidentally walks into walls and falls down a lot. But I am not one of those people. I'm not going to get in deep on this one, because there's just nothing to talk about. It's an assembly line product that is almost--almost--likable just because of how weirdly confident it is that it's the funniest, coolest, most awesome thing that's ever existed.

But I'll try and find... let's say five things I liked about it.

1. I enjoy that the villains are played by Jack Palance, Marc Alaimo, James Hong, Robert Z'Dar and Brion James, even though Brion James is using the most insane accent and Palance seems to be having a stroke the whole time.

2. Teri Hatcher is very hot in this movie.

3. I appreciate Stallone's attempt at being witty by assuring a fellow cop that "Rambo is a pussy." Even though it falls flat on its face--particularly after ripping off yet another scene from a Jackie Chan movie, which Stallone was doing a lot those days--I do like attempts at fourth wall humor. You tried, Sly. You tried.

4. Any chance to see Michael Jeter is pretty good.

5. My wife was a good sport about a lot of my comments about how dumb the movie is. She couldn't really defend it. But she did love it, so, if she's happy, I'm happy.

But I'm never watching this again.

3 comments:

Mike_D said...

Yeesh, Tango and Cash is a truly awful movie....

Roger Owen Green said...

Never saw it. Teri Hatcher being hot is not enough to start now...

JA said...

Literally all I remember from that movie is this, but then I have a photographic memory for men's asses.