Saturday, July 13, 2013

Spiral

I have mental disorders.

I can't take effective medication for them, because the two types of effective medication I've been given made me too numb to care or made me want to kill myself.

Prozac made my high blood pressure worse.

I can't afford some drugs because I have no insurance.

My anxiety is worse because I have high blood pressure.

My high blood pressure is worse because I'm so fat.

I have agoraphobia, which means I'm afraid to go out sometimes because I worry something bad will happen and it's not safe outside. I have anxiety anyway, but the agoraphobia makes it worse. Very often, I have an edge of panic.

The high blood pressure causes things to move through my body very quickly, so I go from worry to anxiety to dread to full-blown panic very quickly.

It's exhausting.

When I'm exhausted, I get depressed.

When I'm depressed, I don't do anything.

When I don't do anything. I get fatter.

When I get fatter, I get more depressed about how I'm fat and I'm poor and I'm unemployed and I'm uninsured and I can't even find a medication that's effective at evening me out. The only one that really works okay is Xanax, but it just makes me even more tired. When it wears off, the anxiety returns even worse. I get irritable. My high blood pressure adds to it.

My high blood pressure, which is especially bad because I'm so fat because I'm so depressed because I have anxiety disorders which are made worse by my high blood pressure which is made worse by being so fat which is made worse by being so depressed because of my anxiety disorders.

Do you see why I can be so suicidal at times? Because I'm going around and around in a spiral and I can't always see how to get out of it. I can't see the exit.

Sometimes I exercise, and then I feel good, and then I start to even out, and then I start to feel better, and then my health gets better, but it's just so hard to keep it going because I become discouraged easily or because someone says something to me that I obsess over and I remember that I'm a shitty person whose feelings don't matter and who probably never has a chance of being happy because it's not like things get better, anyway, right?

I'm up against the worst thing in the world: my own inadequacies.

7 comments:

Jason said...

I've had some experience with the depression spiral myself, though admittedly not to the degree you're struggle with. Still, I sympathize, my online friend. You're not the only one who has these problems. FWIW.

Chicago Erratic said...

Is this a post that wants a hug or a post that wants hugs AND suggestions?

Either way: HUGS!

Greg VA said...

I have been reading you for a couple of years now, and I am sorry to hear of your challenges with mental disease. I've never heard you say anything about support groups. They don't cost anything and while it does mean leaving the house to visit one, you might be able to form one at your home or even a virtual one. You are intelligent, certainly a good communicator and you have the desire to get better. If you try to focus on a doorway to help others maybe you will find one for yourself. I hope you do. The internet would not be the same with out you. IMHO.

Kelly Sedinger said...

You're not a shitty person. Believe me, I know my fair share of shitty people, and you're not even close to making that list.

Glenn Whidden said...

Man. I wish I could say something that would help. I struggle with mental illness too, but you've been dealt a real bad hand. I guess that's all I can say -- never blame yourself for the hand you've been dealt.

SamuraiFrog said...

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. I don't always answer my comments because it's hard for me to acknowledge positive feedback without feeling awkward--oh, and I'm a selfish blogger, after all--but I really do appreciate it. It matters to me.

david_b said...

SO GLAD Obamacare is here, all your medication worries are OVER.

(That was the point of it all, wasn't it..?)

"Seriously.."

Still, hope you're better soon.