Saturday, May 04, 2013

20 Film Stars

I came across a list titled "20 Film Stars You Definitely Won't Remember in 20 Years," and since I didn't do a list here like I originally planned this week, I thought I'd comment on this one. I'm always intrigued by lists that use words like "definitely" or "obviously" or "you probably believe" or "you never knew" or especially lists of movies "you've never seen," because I find those qualifiers a tad insulting and needlessly aggressive. So here's a little commentary on the people I "definitely" won't remember in 2033.

20. Taylor Kitsch
I'll always remember Taylor Kitsch because I absolutely loved John Carter and Friday Night Lights. Now, it might be framed as "Boy, whatever happened to Taylor Kitsch, remember that summer Hollywood insisted he was a movie star and America said no?" But I'll always remember him.

19. Brendan Fraser
Not if my wife has anything to say about it. Actually, Fraser's starred in a number of movies I just outright love, including one of the films cited in this entry as terrible, Looney Tunes: Back in Action. He's pretty much fading into obscurity already, and his movie career seems pretty much over, but I have a lot of flicks to remember him by.

18. Ron Perlman
Bullshit. There's always going to be work for a guy like Ron Perlman. He may not be a leading man, but he's a go to creature actor and a fantastic character actor. Shit, the oldest movie I've seen him in is back 32 years now. The guy's no movie star, but he's going to take a while to forget.

17. Hayden Christensen
No one from any Star Wars movies will be totally forgotten. He may not have a career--hell, he barely has one now--but he won't be forgotten, even if in your heart of fanboy hearts you think the Prequels will somehow fade into obscurity. (They won't.)

16. Jason Statham
I don't have the energy to care about Statham, but I figure his career path will probably be like Chuck Norris': he makes risible films, stars on a long-running syndicated action series for rednecks, goes into infomercials, and then because someone on the internet remembers how "awesome" his movies were when they were six, he becomes a meme, and then we never get rid of the guy and no matter what kind of horrible shit he says on the internet, you can never talk reasonably about it because some fuckwit who thinks macros are replacements for wit wanders into the conversation to say "A watched pot instantly boils for Jason Statham!"

15. Kevin James
Dear god, I hope so.

14. Leslie Mann
That's a possibility, especially as Judd Apatow's films become more frustrating and polarizing. I think when his career fades out (and I think it will), she'll probably go with him, just because she's so identified with this sort of nasty side of his films. It's too bad, because I love her, but I think the characters she plays in her husband's movies can be so hard for men to take that no one wants to put her in other roles. Maybe she'll get an HBO series like Enlightened or something in a few years. But I think when she's gone, she's gone. Then again, if being in The Cable Guy didn't kill her off, who knows?

13. Sam Worthington
I don't even remember him now. And apparently I've seen him in a couple of very bad movies.

12. Luke Wilson
Why the hell did this even happen in the first place? Boring, boring, lifeless, dull, boring.

11. Tom Felton
Not as long as the Harry Potter movies live on, and considering how young its youngest fans are, that's going to be a long, long time. Again, like Hayden Christensen, he may not have much of a career going forward, but he won't be forgotten. (Aside: I do love the original author's assertion that Felton's role in Rise of the Planet of the Apes was "several years ago." Apparently 21 months is now "several years ago.")

10. Justin Bartha
Who even remembers him now?

9. Danny McBride
I love Danny McBride. Love him.

8. Anna Faris
That seems to be happening already. What happened with her? I loved her.

7. Megan Fox
Her career will be very hard to get back on track, but I think she'll be remembered a bit as one of our many momentary It Girls. I mean, the tabloids still talk about Shannon Elizabeth and Denise Richards. Not in a positive way, but that's still being remembered. And as much as I don't like Fox, I still defend her against the whole Michael Bay situation and I think she was good in Jennifer's Body.

6. Shia LaBeouf
I used to defend his talent, but it seems to have gone up his ass along with his ego. You have to be very stupid to have what he had and then just blow it. Seriously, look at Tom Cruise: he's dull and not very talented and is in this weird cycle where his movies always seem desperate to make you believe he's 32, but people work with him and his movies make a lot of money. Even with his weird cult, he's still a movie star. Everyone agrees he's weird and unlikable, but his movies still make money. I don't think anything short of being caught in bed with a dead child is going to derail that motherfucker. All LaBeouf had to do was be ungrateful and basically tell Spielberg to go fuck himself, and that was it. Game over. Once you've pissed of Spielberg, obscurity awaits. And since those Transformers movies are pretty ephemeral, I think the only way LaBeouf is going to be remembered in another decade is as the guy who helped make the fourth Indiana Jones movie so reviled among a lot of movie fans.

5. Zac Efron
My penis says otherwise.

4. Renee Zellweger
There was a time, about 15 years ago, when I would actually go to see a movie just because she was in it. I'd say that's not the case anymore, but when would I have had the opportunity? It's a shame about that. She was talented, she won an Oscar, and Bridget Jones's Diary is wonderful. She's such a non-presence now. I think the last movie I saw her in was Appaloosa, a movie I wanted to like but didn't.

3. Katherine Heigl
I think Heigl's problem--and she made the same mistake as LaBeouf of badmouthing where she came from--is that she's just not that interesting as an actor. She's not deeply talented. She's pretty, but bland. And she tried so hard to be a romantic comedy lead when the simple face was that she just wasn't funny. Or likable. I think it's pretty much over for her and she's already fading into obscurity. You can't even really count on her rabid defenders so much anymore.

2. Taylor Lautner
He'll always be the Shirtless One from the Twilight movies, but his career probably won't amount to much. There are too many women in the world who named their kid Bella to ever really forget Taylor Lautner.

1. Channing Tatum
Duller than ditch water but people seem to like him. Not my type of sexy. I like Zac Efron.

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