Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Health Report Update

I am no longer in suicide intervention. I've been graduated out of the program and am now at an absent-to-mild risk of suicide. I can still go and see my suicide counselor if I have to, but I'm not on regular appointments with her anymore.

I had a really hard time this weekend, what with Becca gone to C2E2 and being all alone for days. I didn't handle it well. I felt sort of extra-alone this weekend, and instead of trying to make human contact, I just sort of wallowed in it. I had a return to suicidal thoughts, but I didn't find them comforting anymore, which according to my suicide counselor means that I've made a fundamental change in thinking.

I also feel more confident and more equipped to emotionally regulate my reactions to frustration and anger and despair. Not having the unhealthy coping mechanism of thinking about killing myself was the point of this treatment, and I've gone over that hurdle. I feel relieved.

I actually thought after having suicidal thoughts and a panic attack on Saturday evening that she'd tell me I still needed the program, but the whole point of this was to stop thinking of suicide as something comforting, and I've done that. The rest is for me and my therapist to work on. I'm not "fixed" or anything, but I've made a real change, and I'm going to try hard not to let myself think that one failure negates all the success I've been having.

My counselor told me today that I need to give myself a break and stop punishing myself and stop thinking that I don't deserve to be happy or even comfortable. That's a change in thinking that's going to be a lot harder for me. I've learned that I don't really feel happiness or excitement as deeply and fully and powerfully as I feel sadness and anger and frustration. I have a lot of empathy for others, but none for myself. I don't often let myself celebrate successes, which I'm sure you can tell from the tone of this post. I feel like I'm just being informational instead of enthusiastic. That part's still hard for me. Making my successes more meaningful than my failures is something I'm going to have a hard time with, because I don't really know how to enjoy the moment as much as I'd like to, but I do know perfectly well how to tear myself down for failing.

But I'm not at risk for suicide anymore, which does make me feel confident.


Roger Owen Green said...

very happy for your progress, tho sorry for your tough weekend

Hobgoblin238 said...

I think I will commit suicide when I am too old. Perhaps 80 or so. I do not want to be in a hospital suffering in my old age.

Kelly Sedinger said...

As always: still pulling for you!

Kal said...

I appreciate you sharing your truth with me. I have more in common with you than you think and I am glad you found a way to pull yourself away from the edge.

Autumn said...

Congratulations on moving forward and having the courage to let go of those feelings. It's amazing to see how you have just stepped up and let yourself be helped. I imagine Becca is very proud of you and it must be wonderful to have her support through all this!

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