Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Health Report Update

So, I'm happy today, and I realize I'm not a hundred percent sure how to handle it.

First thing this morning when I got up, I had a problem with my laptop. Windows didn't load properly, and I immediately started to feel the stabs of warm panic in my gut. This actually happened to me once already, a couple of weeks ago, after a big Windows update, and that was the day I got set off so badly and was so unable to cope with it that my therapist put me in suicide intervention.

I've been doing a lot better with my suicidal thoughts, trying to make myself realize that I don't actually want to kill myself, I just want some way to stop everything, to put everything on hold and escape my concerns. I'm trying to talk myself through that, or talk with Becca about it, and just acknowledging these feelings instead of doing what I usually do (trying to put my head down and hope it'll all pass without bothering anyone else) is beneficial in itself. It makes me feel less hopeless, and I feel like I'm building better coping devices and am becoming more aware of what sets off the panic in me so I can avert it.

So as I was restarting my computer and hoping Windows loaded this time, I just talked myself through it. Told myself that I've got a disc to restore my computer and all of the really important stuff is backed up and other things can most likely be replaced. I kept myself calm and steady, and I didn't panic or think suicidal thoughts or lose hope.

But the weird thing was, I couldn't really be happy with the victory. I didn't know how to be. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to being happy, really. I'm used to being happy in spite of everything going wrong around me. I'm not used to being happy because things went right or because I did something emotionally healthy. I'm used to freaking out and having an emotional meltdown. I didn't quite know how to handle not doing it. It was like feeling incomplete. What a weird reaction to have. I mean, nothing was really wrong at all with how I was handling the situation. I'm just not at all used to this. I'm prepared to be taken to an emotional low point, and I wasn't. I wasn't at all. So what the hell am I supposed to do when I'm not freaking out? I really don't know yet...

Then, when I did my once a day email check (I'm not ignoring anyone ever, I just only think to check it once a day), I saw an email from my Dad. I've been reluctant to talk to him about what's going on with my therapy because I just always have had this idea that I can't explain it to him and that he wouldn't think of it as something really serious, like it's really a genuine problem. I feel like there's a lot he's said in the past that rejects the notion of mental or emotional problems as legitimate health concerns. But I also probably didn't give him enough credit to be straight with him, too.

So he sent me an email saying he'd been looking at my blog and that he'd had no idea how traumatized I was by Ellen dying, and also that he'd had no idea how bad my struggle with anxiety and depression really is. He sent me the most supportive email, and I just wasn't expecting it at all. It really affected me.

It's like I'm just not really prepared for anything to go well. I'm always defensive. I always have my guard up. I'm always ready to overreact. I just don't have any faith that things might go well sometimes. There's always a part of me that's afraid that if I'm too happy, something bad is going to have to go wrong in order to balance everything out.

It's putting me off how confused I am about my reactions.

I have to internalize the idea that if something bad does happen, it was going to happen no matter how happy I was before it did.

1 comment:

Roger Owen Green said...

It's about romance, but I think of the lyrics of Something So Right to describe your feelings (and, not occasionally, my own):

When something goes wrong
I'm the first to admit it
I'm the first to admit it
And the last one to know

When something goes right
Well it's likely to lose me, mm
It's apt to confuse me
It's such an unusual sight
Oh, I can't, I can't get used to something so right
Something so right