Thursday, April 11, 2013

Health Report Update

Well, now I'm also in a suicide intervention program.

Apparently I'm so low-functioning that I'm right on the cusp of having to be hospitalized, but the people that run the program think I'm also aware enough that I can instead do an outpatient safety program which involves phone check-ins and more work on attempting to manage my emotional responses.

What I've come to understand is that I used thoughts of suicide as a sort of emotional coping mechanism, which is really unhealthy because it's progressed from the abstract stage to a stage where I'm now showing some specificity in planning. I have poor enough impulse control that my therapist was worried enough to immediately get me into that program. I'm at a moderate risk level, according to today's disposition paperwork. That's worse than I would have guessed, which shows me that my irrationality and the frequent difficulty I have working through emotions has actually progressed in the last few years.

Something else to work on. My therapist says I'm progressing at a good rate, and they only recommended four initial weeks of suicide intervention, so maybe I'll be able to break this unhealthy compensation method and replace it with something healthier. I just want to manage this. I'm not worried I'm going to kill myself. But I have to stop thinking of it as some sort of way out.

It's work, but it's work I have to do.

8 comments:

Kelly Sedinger said...

You make the world interesting, so you get that work done! Still rooting for you, and don't plan to stop.

Chris said...

I so hope this helps you! Hugs!

William Mercado said...

I agree with Kelly

also suicide, fuck that shit

Think of Becca and there are a lot of good movies, books, TV shows coming out you two can watch/read together

phoniexflames said...

Hey,

You're gonna be okay. I've been there too, for a very long time, and interchanged suicide with eating disorders over and over. But you're going to be okay.

I read your blog every single day. For years, at least. You don't know me and I don't know you, but I just want you to know that I care about you.

DrGoat said...

Hang in there. Things get pretty scary with depression and health problems. Been there too. Try to get though it. Sending as many good vibes your way that I can conjure up.

Kal said...

I admire you for your honesty. I have my own wild highs and lows that I am in treatment to try to level myself enough so that I can actually work like a normal human one day.

SamuraiFrog said...

Thanks for all the support, everyone. It really does mean a lot to me.

Roger Owen Green said...

Agree with all the above. would have written sooner but had radio silence...more anon.