Thursday, April 04, 2013

30 Bad Movies

Total Film has a list up called 30 Movies That Aren't As Bad As You Remember. So I'll comment on it since I haven't commented on a list in a long time, but I have seen a lot of bad movies.

30. Twilight
Twilight is actually worse than I originally gave it credit for. And I was watching the RiffTrax version the second time! And still I was sitting thinking "Holy shit, this is a boring, poorly-made movie." New Moon was more enjoyable, if only because the Weitz Brothers tried to turn it into more of a supernatural adventure flick, even though none of it makes sense and all of it is like a teenager overreacting. Eclipse makes Twilight look like brilliant by comparison.

29. Spawn
I remember thinking it was pretty neat when I was 21, but it's actually really, really, really, really bad. Much like Todd McFarlane's art, actually; loved it when I was too young to know better, but in the harsh light of maturity, it's really not good at all.

28. Lady in the Water
I don't know, I remember it being pretty unwatchable. I've never seen it a second time because why the hell would you?

27. Cutthroat Island
I can't really defend it, but I've always liked this movie.

26. John Carter
If you haven't seen this yet and you get Starz, DVR it, because it's on all the time right now and it is wonderful. I feel like this movie can't really be "not as bad as you remember" because I know too few people who've actually even seen it.

25. Hudson Hawk
A slapstick adventure pretending to be a thriller. I've always found it fun. Stupid, but fun.

24. Spider-Man 3
I love this movie. I don't know what everyone's talking about with this movie, because it's fun as hell. Maybe it's not as great as the high bar set by the first two flicks, but it's damn good, and I still feel vaguely insulted by Sony for not getting Sam Rami's Spider-Man 4.

23. Miami Vice
Never seen it. It doesn't look appealing to me in any sense. I've actually also never seen the original television series.

22. Cowboys & Aliens
I saw this movie fairly recently on HBO and was bored out of my mind. I can't imagine wanting to watch this forgettable movie a second time.

21. Hook
Even for a Spielberg movie, this one is cloying, desperate to be loved, and poorly made. I've seen it over a dozen times, because I loved it when I was 14. There are still things in it that I think are very good: the way it weaves in JM Barrie's Peter Pan dialogue, Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins, the excellent score (one of my favorites of John Williams'), the pirate ship... but there's a lot I don't like about it, too, and that stuff just adds up and adds up until it becomes a movie I generally find tedious. Spielberg's made worse movies, and will probably continue to make them... this one somehow manages to be lavish and middling at the same time.

20. The Razor's Edge
I've still never seen this. I love Bill Murray, but I haven't really ever had the opportunity to see it.

19. Terminator: Salvation
I didn't see it. I hated Terminator 3. A lot.

18. Cars
Cars actually isn't that bad, but it's not exceptionally good, either. This was the first time I thought Pixar rested on being just cutesy and folksy in a way that just came across kind of smug. The production design and animation are exceptional, I just wish it wasn't wasted on what feels like an inconsequential direct to video flick.

17. Ishtar
The real problem with this movie isn't that it's terrible, it's that it just isn't funny. But, you know, I haven't seen it since I was in high school, so an 80s Revisited post is always a possibility if it shows up on cable.

16. Tron: Legacy
It's not bad so much as just dull and pointless. The original movie is the one that's really bad. (I know, I know, you love it, but I just never have and I never will, okay?)

15. Halloween
The Rob Zombie remake. And I never thought this was bad; I thought this was excellent.

14. The Matrix Reloaded
Frankly, I think they're all bad enough that I can't really pull one out and say that's the bad one, but this one was pretty lazy to me. It's just an hour-long truck chase surrounded by nonsense on either side. It didn't even make sense to me for The Matrix to have sequels.

13. The Phantom Menace
I've always loved it, but I'm pretty tired of talking about it with people.

12. Waterworld
I never thought this movie was bad, honestly. I always thought it was fun. I think a lot of people judged it by its insanely over-the-top budget for what's basically a B skiffy action flick. It's not anything more than what it is, but it's enjoyable.

11. Mystery Men
Does this movie have a bad reputation? I know so many people that love it. It's one of my favorite movies of all time.

10. Superman III
I caught this recently on The Hub and, yep, just as bad as I remember.

9. Grown Ups
Why would I even have seen this?

8. Hulk
The problem with Ang Lee's movie is that he didn't deliver the action flick people wanted. But I think it's profound in a lot of ways. And it was actually the movie that really got me to think for the first time in my life about my anger problems. I like it, but it's not a classic, I admit, and the end is pretty nonsensical. I mean, I get it, but I know a lot of people who didn't, and I think that's poor communication of the resolution about rage Lee's film comes to.

7. Speed Racer
I fucking love this movie. It's a silly live-action cartoon and it's fun as hell. Another movie I'm exhausted of talking about online.

6. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me
I've never seen this or the TV series. I don't really have a concept of what people think of this movie in general.

5. The Exorcist III
I'm glad they put this on their list, because I actually like this movie. I don't like the other ones, actually, but I like this one.

4. Last Action Hero
I can't really defend this one, either, but I have always thought it was a fun flick.

3. Alien 3
I've been wanting to see this one again, lately, too, just to give it another chance. I didn't like it when I first saw it, but that was 20 years ago, so who knows? I know people with varying opinions.

2. Plan 9 from Outer Space
This movie is exactly as bad as I remember it. Whether you think it's bad in a charming way or not is up to the individual, but I've always found it boring.

1. Superman Returns
Yes, this movie is as bad as I remember. Really bad. Really, really bad. I've kicked it enough, and it was long enough ago that who cares, honestly, but yeah, not a fan at all.

Well, that was pointless, but it kept me busy.


Autumn said...

I like Cutthroat Island also, and yes I realize it's bad, but I just like it.

I also adore Waterworld. Yes I know it's...well..Waterworld, but it's also just a fun enjoyable movie and feels like some of those 80's fantasy movies we just can't replicate the feeling of now.

And why wasn't Hook just...better? I LOVED that movie when I was a kid, I thought it was awesome and amazing and now it's almost unwatchable. Although Hook himself was pretty cool.

Kal said...

No one will ever get me not to like Cutthroat Island. Frank Langella is just a force of nature. He's the same reason I can't hate Masters of the Universe.

Mystery Men is hugely underrated. Great film with funny performances.

If Christina Richie only made one movie I was glad it was Speed Racer. I can't take my eyes off the screen when that one is on.

Neil Sarver said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Neil Sarver said...

I agree with you on nearly all non-Tron, I think.

I have to say, I love The Terminator and I think Terminator: Salvation is the only sequel that feels like it's following up that movie. T2 is entertaining enough fluff, but misses something. T3 is just a crappier re-do of T2. I liked Terminator: Salvation better than either of the others. It does have problems, but it's generally a good time.

Oh, and, Superman Returns is a pestilence.

Devilham said...

I actually really liked The Hulk, but am aware I am in the minority (with you, so in good company)

Mystery Men, I own it, I love it.

Lastly, I am the only person in the world who liked Superman Returns? Oh well, can't argue opinion, I always say.

That being said, I value your opinion, even if I don't always agree with it, mostly because you express it so entertainingly.