Sunday, March 31, 2013

Health Report Update

11am Easter Sunday, quiet and relaxed, sipping coffee and listening to the Beach Boys, and I am stressed, exhausted, anxious, and on the verge of a panic attack, and I really have no idea why.

It was also bad last night, and the night before... I can feel myself on the edge of a panic attack and even if it doesn't fully develop, it takes hours to calm down.

This is something interesting. Friday my case manager diagnosed me with Panic Disorder, among other things, and ever since then, I feel more panicked. No, that's not accurate. It's that I'm much more aware of what processes through my body and how I react to things. I've never been so aware of it before, and it's kind of terrifying.

I asked Becca about it, and she said this is what I'm like every day: big reactions, obsessing over small things, worrying incessantly about what might happen. "You're like a big, raw, exposed nerve. I don't always know what you can handle because you have such big reactions."

I mean, it's a calm day. My Mom is coming over. I've got coffee and Pet Sounds. It's a beautiful day out. I should just be relaxed. But I'm not. I'm upset in some vague, unfocused way. I'm already tired. I'm grinding my teeth. I'm on edge. I feel all of this panicked energy building up in my body. I'm parsing things my friends say trying to figure out if they're mad at me. I'm taking everything the wrong way.

Jesus. If this is what I'm like every day, no wonder I'm so lazy and don't do anything: I'm freaking exhausted from this. I feel so exhausted from this.

This has got to be my biggest problem, and the emotional outbursts must be from not being able to manage this feeling.

I'm going to work so fucking hard in therapy because this is ruining my health and my life and I've got to figure this out.

4 comments:

Chris said...

Don't panic about having panic attacks! :-)

(I recently over-reacted to the idea that I was over-reacting and neurotic about my neurosis. So it's all good, you're in good company.) Hugs!

Kelly Sedinger said...

Every voyage begins with knowing which way to point the boat. Good luck! You do have people rooting for you!

Matt said...

It's been amazing and inspiring to watch you tackle things head on, and I know it's going to mean big changes for you. Persevere!

DrGoat said...

Persevere. I have an inkling about this stuff. I had to finally start taking a small dose of lyrica before bed just to get any sleep, and respite from anxiety. It didn't hit me till later in life. There is a solution somewhere, I wish you all the luck in finding it.