Sunday, November 18, 2012

Superhero Flicks

Another film list commentary post. I saw some people doing a post where you do a one-line review of every superhero film you've seen. Just one line for each movie. So, using this list, I go forward to waste my time and yours, because what else are Sunday afternoons for? (I decided to leave off the animated films, just cuz.)

Batman (1966): Delightfully silly.
Superman (1978): Perfect; still the best superhero movie ever made.
Superman II: I've always liked it, but the Richard Donner Cut is superior if only for the restored scenes between Christopher Reeve and Marlon Brando.
Swamp Thing: Would be forgettable if not for Adrienne Barbeau's classic nudity.
Superman III: Superman is only a guest star in his own movie.
Supergirl: Nice score, anyways.
Howard the Duck: Stupidly fun and perfectly harmless.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: Insipid.
Batman (1989): Doesn't hold up, but Jack Nicholson gets it.
The Return of Swamp Thing: At least this one knows it's ridiculous.
The Punisher (1989): Why even bother mentioning it?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990): Dopey but fun.
Captain America (1990): Totally forgettable.
Darkman: Over-the-top awesome.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze: Swing and a miss.
The Rocketeer: Completely awesome; should've been a couple more of these.
Batman Returns: Wonderfully creepy, and fixes the tone problems of the first movie.
The Fantastic Four (1994): Kinda charming in a homemade way, and has a better grasp of the characters than the 2005 version.
The Crow: Rough, but masterful.
The Shadow: Silly, but fun as hell.
The Mask: Very cute, and the only time where Jim Carrey going over the top didn't annoy the shit out of me.
Batman Forever: Ed Begley, Jr.'s wonderfully OTT delivery and "Kiss from a Rose" are the only things worth remembering here.
Tank Girl: Cartoonish fun.
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie: I have no idea why I saw this and barely remember it.
Black Scorpion: I love Joan Severance...
The Crow: City of Angels: Well, at least Iggy Pop is having fun in this pointless retread.
Barb Wire: Did I really watch Casablanca as a science fiction movie with tits?
The Phantom: I fucking love this movie.
Black Scorpion II: Aftershock: Mistake to tone down the nudity and sex, that was what made the first movie watchable.
Batman & Robin: Crowded, noisy, and just not any fun to watch; what's the point of campy excess if it isn't at least fun?
Spawn: Cheap and weirdly overrated, much like the comic book its based on.
Steel: Gets a lot of flack online for a movie that's so totally unmemorable.
Star Kid: Charming, but forgettable.
Blade: Better than I thought it would be.
Mystery Men: One of my all time faves.
X-Men: Meh.
Unbreakable: Basically The Dark Knight: self-serious, overlong, boring, inconsistent, with an ending ruined by incomprehensible pretension.
Blade II: Quite enjoyable, indeed.
Spider-Man: As perfect a Spidey movie as I could have asked for.
Daredevil: Arbitrary.
X2: X-Men United: Less meh than the first one, but still pretty meh.
Hulk: Troubled, but with flashes of brilliance.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Extremely stupid.
Hellboy: Very, very good.
Spider-Man 2: A high point in comic book cinema, and better than the first movie.
Blade: Trinity: Tries way too fucking hard and accomplishes nothing (and turns Blade into a supporting character).
The Crow: Wicked Prayer: Unwatchable.
Elektra: Just flat out sucks.
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl: Headache-inducing.
Batman Begins: Pretty good but highly overvalued.
Fantastic Four (2005): Unlikable in almost every conceivable way.
Sky High: Hella fun.
V for Vendetta: Pulp masterpiece.
X-Men: The Last Stand: I love that it pissed off the fans, honestly.
Superman Returns: Dire.
Spider-Man 3: I love it, even at its most excessive.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: All of the awfulness of the first, with the added humiliation of completely wasting the Silver Surfer in his first movie appearance.
Underdog: Silly, but cute.
Iron Man: Just fun as hell; Tony's like Bruce Wayne without all the whiny angst and psychological bullshit.
Wanted: Takes itself so seriously for such a dumb premise.
The Incredible Hulk: A lot of good moments, but mostly just okay.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army: Fantastic, and looks like nothing else on screen.
The Dark Knight: Dull, pretentious, overrated, and seeks to add great import, realism, and grit that only highlights how truly ridiculous it is, but there's one great, justly praised performance trapped in all of its neofascist nattering about the meaning of symbolism that turns the characters into cyphers.
The Spirit: A live action cartoon; stupid-fun and not pretentious.
Watchmen: Excellent; the genre satire that The Dark Knight is too convoluted to be.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Painfully stupid.
Kick-Ass: Extremely stupid and lacks the courage of its convictions, but greatly fun, anyway.
Iron Man 2: Okay movie hampered by forcing all of the Avengers subplot into a story that was already overly full.
The Green Hornet: Fun and forgettable.
Thor: Seems like it should be really stupid but it's incredibly fun.
X-Men: First Class: Except for Michael Fassbender, a complete piece of shit that once again takes these characters way too fucking seriously.
Green Lantern: Joyless.
Captain America: The First Avenger: Absolutely loved it.
The Avengers: The Marvel Comics movie I never dreamed I'd get to see.

13 comments:

Hobgoblin238 said...

Spidey? The most perfect film you could ask for? Did you ask for the Green Goblin in a power ranger villain costume? Lord...

SamuraiFrog said...

Because a guy in an immobile rubber Halloween mask would somehow look less fake, or...?

Hobgoblin238 said...

Well you said it was perfect. In messup of the costume does not make it perfect. That is all.

SamuraiFrog said...

It's not a "messup." It's completely meaningless. You're talking about a superficial element that has absolutely no effect on the story.

Paradox Al said...

I agree with you on Spider-Man, though I would say that the 2nd movie is my "perfect" Spider-Man.

Hellboy 2 was also amazing, and I still hope for a 3rd one someday.

Ugh. I don't understand the popularity of Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. Ledger's Joker's worth a watch, but Dark Knight Rises was the worst IMO. Just a terrible ending to the trilogy.

Hobgoblin238 said...

But you said perfect Superhero film. That includes story AND look. It ain't perfect.

SamuraiFrog said...

I said it was "as perfect a Spidey movie AS I COULD HAVE ASKED FOR." But that's me. It was a great story, had a grasp of the characters, and engaged my emotions, and that's what I care about. When I ask for perfect, I don't really give a shit about inconsequential fanboy details like the Green Goblin's costume, as long as they get the personality and motivations of the character. That to me is more important and more "perfect" and frankly more enjoyable than getting pointlessly hung up on something that doesn't alter the story in any way.

Sorry it didn't live up to YOUR idea of perfect, but I honestly don't care.

Hobgoblin238 said...

If you just have your comment section for one's that agree with you and you do not care about one's that do not, why have one then?

So a movie that has a good story only is perfect for you? Even if Spiderman was a vietnamese boy or that Aunt May was a prostitute...Hey, as long as it was a good story and it engaged you right? Nah not for me.

Hobgoblin238 said...

I won't comment anymore about this. I will just blog about it because you raise an interesting point.

SamuraiFrog said...

"If you just have your comment section for one's that agree with you and you do not care about one's that do not, why have one then?"

Asks everyone whose point I don't automatically agree with. Did I delete your comment? No, I'm just addressing it. Am I not allowed to disagree with your point? Not that you're making a point so much as deliberately misreading everything I say and then criticizing me for liking something, I guess, the "wrong" way.

"So a movie that has a good story only is perfect for you?"

Since I rarely see movies with a good story, it's pretty fuckin' close. Calling it our for not being a good movie because because you don't like a costume is pretty ridiculous. Getting pissy over the use of a single word is petty.

"Even if Spiderman was a vietnamese boy or that Aunt May was a prostitute...Hey, as long as it was a good story and it engaged you right? Nah not for me."

Well, that statement pretty much shows that you don't understand my point at all, because if either of those things happened, it would change the fundamental nature of the characters and then it wouldn't be Spider-Man anymore. Changing an article of clothing that someone wears makes absolutely no difference to the nature of the characters or the story. None. It is still exactly the same character.

Your hang-up is fannish and asinine. It's not that I don't agree with it, it's that it's nonsensical. And frankly it's exhausting trying to explain this point to someone who refuses to listen because they can't see the forest for the trees. You don't get it, and I'm tired of going over it.

You're gonna miss a lot of cool stuff with that attitude, but if it makes you feel smart, you can have it. Just don't bother me with it, because whatever you're thinking right now, it's not a discussion because you're not listening.

"I won't comment anymore about this."

Says the guy who left three comments after "That is all," but I can hope.

Lee said...

LOL yeah I agree on a bunch and disagree on a bunch what a surprise!!!

Gave my own run at the list: http://shortstormtrooper.com/one-line-superhero-film-reviews/

J.A. said...

Did you ever watch the 1984 flick "Sheena" with Tanya Roberts? Campy, comic book action, and tits. Seems like it would be right up your alley. I had completely forgotten about it until just now as the movie is on THIS Network. Any thoughts on the film?

SamuraiFrog said...

I actually have that on DVD around here somewhere. Yeah, it's right up my alley, I've always enjoyed that flick.