Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Shit on a Shingle, Melting Chickens and Douche Points, Oh My!

ME: [noticing the sign at the grocery store that says "Shingles Vaccine Available Here"] Oh, man, is shingles going around now?

BECCA: Yeah, it is.

ME: You know... I just realized that I still don't know what that actually is.

BECCA: It's like chicken pox for adults.

ME: But don't you know that when you have shingles you shit yourself to death?

BECCA: Do you?

ME: I have no idea. That's what I always thought when I was a kid. Like it was dysentery but more painful or something. I don't know where I got that idea.

BECCA: Maybe from shit on a shingle.

ME: Yeah.

BECCA: You know what that is, right?

ME: Sure.

BECCA: We used to have it when I was a kid.

ME: ... Like... for dinner?

BECCA: Yeah.

ME: [Grossed out beyond words, making a disgusted face.]

BECCA: What? I thought you knew what it was!

ME: I thought it was just some phrase! It's a real thing that people eat?

BECCA: Yeah! You just have something like chipped beef or creamy chicken on toast.

ME: ... What?

BECCA: I can't believe you didn't know that.

ME: Well, I only ever heard that phrase when someone accidentally hit their thumb with a hammer.

BECCA: It's good! We used to have it all the time.

ME: I have to say, I'm kind of grossed out right now.

BECCA: Why? Because of the word shit in the name of a food?

ME: Because if there are two words that I hate hearing together--

BECCA: "Chipped" and "beef"?

ME: "Creamy" and "chicken."

BECCA: What? Why?

ME: Chicken shouldn't be creamy!

BECCA: It's not creamy on it's own! It's a sauce you put on it or a stew you make from it! You like cream of chicken and rice soup!

ME: The cream is obviously from the rice.

BECCA: What?

ME: I WANT TO BELIEVE!

BECCA: [sighing heavily]

ME: Creamy chicken always sounds like some chicken that has a bad skin disease and is, like, sweating mucus or something.

BECCA: Ew!

ME: I know! It's gross!

BECCA: "Well, Ma, get the tongs, the chickens've got the mucus again."

ME: And its eye is melting out or something.

BECCA: Agh!

ME: It's like a Garbage Pail Kid, basically. You cooked and ate Garbage Pail Kids for dinner.

BECCA: Yes, that's what we did, idiot.

ME: Ick. Eating actual shit on a roofing shingle sounds more appetizing to me.

BECCA: I think it was a wartime thing, because you could make it for so little money.

ME: Well, I was eating toast points and caviar during the war, so I have no idea what you're talking about.

BECCA: And yet you don't know what a Bellini is. So uncultured. So pretentious.

ME: You mean the cocktail?

BECCA: No, it's like a thin little pancake.

ME: No, I have no idea what you're talking about and I dispute that it's actually a thing.

BECCA: B-L-I-N-I. Bellini.

ME [checking Wikipedia] Blini? It's just a blintz. Just call it a blintz, you pretentious foodie! Anyway, it looks like it should be pronounced "bleenie."

BECCA: Well, on all the cooking shows they pronounce it "bellini."

ME: You're going to look at an ass like Guy Fieri and tell me he knows anything he's talking about? The guy has douche points in his hair 20 years too late. He looks like an early 90s pornstar on a coke bender. Listen to that guy talk.

BECCA: Well, the places he goes are cool.

ME: They are, but the show would actually function better without him. He's just some schmuck who mistakenly thinks that having douche points and wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head give him a personality. His show kind of scares me for two reasons.

BECCA: Okay.

ME: First, I completely and utterly despise watching him shove the food into his mouth. It's gross. It's just fucking gross to watch. I get it, you're enthusiastic about food. You know what people who love food do? Chew it, motherfucker. When you have passed the point of chewing and tasting and savoring your food, and the object of the game is simply to shove it down your gullet and swallow it like a duck, you've just completely lost the point of having a show about food in the first place.

BECCA: I admit, I can't actually watch him eat. I can't look at it.

ME: The second reason his show scares me is that he always has trouble breathing. He talks like a guy with his body under massive strain. Like, you know those guys like Billy Mays who are always screaming and barely breathing because they're all coked up to the gills? Guy Fieri's like that. It's like he's about to go crazy and just start fucking the food while he screams about conspiracy theories and his vision goes blurry. He's like an animal. It's like at any second he's just going to go nuts or have a massive, massive heart attack. I mean, I know that, logically, they wouldn't show it on TV, so it's not like this is going to be the episode of Diners, Dickheads and Douche Points where he suddenly goes into a frenzy before collapsing, but I still can't relax while watching him.

BECCA: I... yeah, that's all pretty accurate. You know what else I hate about him?

ME: The fat guy bowling shirts?

BECCA: He keeps saying "money," like it's still Swingers times. Like it's still cool to be into the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and pretend you're Vince Vaughan.

ME: Oh god... and people are still embarrassed by pastels.

BECCA: Well, they should be.

3 comments:

MC said...

Oh god. I want to hang around with you two so bad right now.

csmith2884 said...

You should sell tickets. Great banter, and btw I am a foodie.

Roger Owen Green said...

eek, I gotta say, I'd take her side on this one.