Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Well, It's My Birthday

I've been depressed about it for over a week. I mean, I guess I have. I've been having bad depressive episodes for about a week now, culminating in a full-blown panic attack yesterday--maybe the second worst I've ever had. So, there's that.

I didn't have that thing a lot of people have where they spin out and feel depressed when they turn 30. But when I turned 30 I was in my final semester at NIU and about to graduate. So it all hit me when I turned 36, instead.

36. How did this happen? I don't feel 36. I feel 23. I feel like I'm a kid who has accidentally been given adult responsibilities. Surely someone will realize there's been a mistake?

As depressed as I've been, today I feel fine. Downright good, in fact. So here's to a weird birthday.

That picture is me on the day I was baptized. 2 months old. Man, I was a happy baby and happy little kid. This year, I'm going to try to be happy like that again.

Incidentally, I've been doing a new blog on tumblr where I'm putting together old pictures and events of my life, together alongside history and pop culture. It's the world's most indulgent and inclusive scrapbook, maybe. If anyone's interested, here's my new project: The Autobiography of a Frog. It's been interesting so far; I haven't even made it a year into my life yet. But I'm already pretty inspired thinking of times when I wasn't so afraid and wasn't so angry. I think it's going to help me recapture the point.

13 comments:

M. D. Jackson said...

Happy Birthday. It might be a good day. Who knows? Someone may bake you a pie.

Roger Owen Green said...

Happy natal day. Oh to be 36 again...sigh

Matt said...

Happy birthday - and a happy year ahead! Glad it's off to a good start.

Chris said...

Happy birthday!

One of my favorite music artists didn't get started until he was 36, btw: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/ladies-and-gents-leonard-cohen-19710204

(I had my freak out when I was 29. It's cool now - back on track about the whole thing. I'll be 32 this fall. :-) )

chunky B said...

Happy Birthday! 36! You're a youngster!

verdynian said...

Longtime reader, first-time poster.
Happy birthday, dude!
Close to you in age, and your third paragraph describes exactly how I've felt for the past few months.
But, at least you don't feel that way on your birthday. Kudos!

Nathan said...

I tend to get depressed around my birthday, I think partially because I feel I'm supposed to be happy, but I'm really not. It's better now than it used to be when I was in high school.

Starly said...

Happy Birthday, Son - you are the best! Love, Mom

Revolverkiller said...

ok first ive been reading this for a while now, second, my GF is on meds with depression and ocd. she collapses in a massive panic attack about once a month. i have to remind her that this whole thing isnt about her, smoke a joint and take deep breaths. happy Birthday, if you do not partake, then breathe deeply and remember that the universe is so much larger than you and that you are a tiny part of it, not Galactus.

SamuraiFrog said...

Thanks for all the kind words, everyone. Yesterday was nice, and yes, someone did make me a pie. Somehow, I ended up getting really sick and at midnight I was puking everything I ate yesterday into the toilet. Weird. Symbolism, maybe?

Fuck it, new day today.

Mob said...

Happy belated birthday man! Hope you had a good one.

Mob said...

Yikes, just read your comment above, what the hell? That's crazy. Hope your Wednesday is better!

Caffeinated Joe said...

Sorry I missed it, hope you have a better birthday next year!