Wednesday, July 18, 2012

MasterChef Observations

Well, I guess that's goodbye to Josh and Stacey. I was a little surprised when the voiceover called Josh one of the front runners in the competition; I felt like I was still waiting for him to emerge. I was excited about it, honestly; I wanted to see what he could do when people like David and Becky were out of the way.

Speaking of David and Becky, how about that sushi disaster this week? I love how the judges were so angry and offended that David and Becky couldn't pull off that tag team stunt, as if that's something any chef would ever be called upon to do in any cooking environment except for a stunt on a reality show. Loved the Monti/Felix team-up, though.

Snarky little observations:

:: Really, Gordon? They were cooking for 101 cowboys? Because all I saw were a lot of tourists on a day trip on a nature trail. You're already overselling everything, try not to leak embarrassment all over yourself like a cracked reactor oozing nuclear waste.

:: Look, I'm never going to buy produce to make a gourmet meal at Wal-Mart, no matter how many bags you shove in front of the camera. I know network reality shows are commercials, but this new quest Wal-Mart is on to re-brand themselves as a place where you can get "theeee most. Amazing. STUNNING. PHENOMENAL." meat and produce is total bullshit. Sorry, but you were beat to the punch there by literally every other grocer in town. When we first moved out here in 2001, we tried to buy some produce and meat from Wal-Mart, and it was thee most. Awful. BLAND. DISGUSTING. thing I've ever tried to eat. If I went somewhere for lunch and they told me I'd just eaten a Wal-Mart steak, I'd react pretty much exactly the same way Chris Farley did on that old SNL parody of those Colombian Coffee commercials. "You son of a bitch..."

:: I thought the egg challenge was interesting. I love eggs, but I have actually never had a poached egg or a soft-boiled egg; I have had sunny side up and omelets, but never made either. I've always seen poached eggs made on cooking shows and wanted to try it, so today I just got off my ass and decided I was going to try it out. They turned out great! I think I'm forever converted to this. I've always loved my eggs over easy, but these were even better. I'm glad I just went for it.

Speaking of eggs, I just dug this:



Cool visuals.

:: Can I just say that I hate the way this show is scored? Are we really supposed to be this emotionally involved?

:: The first half of the second episode this week was nightmarish for me to get through, because it had Paula Deen on it. I guess we were all supposed to be thrilled by this, but I just can't stand her. Not at all. The cackling laugh, the idiot catch phrases, her voice, just looking at her... Is Jim Henson in hell? Because her existence only makes sense to me if Jim Henson were in hell and Satan forced him to create the most irritating celebrity chef caricature he could come up with. Something with no redeeming value.

:: Anytime you guys want to rid us of Becky, please be my guest. It was nice to see Becky acknowledge Monti as major competition instead of running her down for being a mom and making value judgments. A rare moment of honesty? She must have been under the weather that day.

Couple of Hell's Kitchen notes:

:: Thanks for finally getting rid of Tiffany, who is awful and has no quality standards and ultimately didn't give a shit about doing her best.

:: Little Steven--er, Robyn--kept saying that she was "set up for failure" because cooking squash blossoms was beyond her ability. She seemed to really believe that it was Justin's fault for putting them on the menu in the first place. I can't wait to use that excuse if I ever get into a car accident again. "Sorry, Officer, but I was set up for failure by the crew that constructed this road."

:: Okay, when are we going to stop piling on Barbie? I get that she's all black and everything, but what does she actually do as a cook that's so unforgivable? Seriously? It's just more racism, and I'm sick of it. I'm just calling it out. Putting it out there right now. They don't like her because of her "attitude"? Seriously? Because it took her two hours to clean mussels, that somehow made Kimmie unable to cook duck? I'm not buying it. "It's just her attitude and her looks." What they mean is that Kimmie has an attitude, Tiffany has an attitude, but Barbie is being "uppity" and they can't take the affront. Just say it. Just fucking say it. I dare you. I double dare you. Just say that you're upset because the field hand is giving you looks when you fuck up and you can't take it. Because saying it's her "attitude" is just cowardly coded speech. Because when Kimmie is yelling and threatening to hit people, it's always Barbie's "attitude" that is just unbearable to be around.

I hope she outlasts every last one of you, because fuck you.

I had some respect for Christina, too. But you chose Barbie over Kimmie (who actually did fuck up) because of her "attitude"? Go to hell.

3 comments:

Devilham said...

Kimmy is disgusting, her face is always screwed up in a rictus of hate. And your right, every episode they put up Barbie, I'd have an attitude too, being constantly disrespected like that. And lastly, anyone who's had to clean the beards off a muscle knows what a fucking horrible time consuming chore that is (not to mention how achey your hands get when handling cold wet seafood for a length of time), and you know Ramsey would flip the fuck out if even a shred of the beard was on one of them.

Good on you for the poaching of the egg my man, did you do the vinegar trick, or the swirling of the water? As a former breakfast guy (6 years of doing just breakfast) I have an understanding of how both easy AND hard cooking eggs properly can be....easy to learn, difficult to master is the egg (say that like Yoda in your head please)

SamuraiFrog said...

I decided to just do the swirling water, and if nothing else, it was really neat to watch.

Devilham said...

Cool, just professional curiousity is all on the cooking method, either way works. I've been getting eggs at my local farmers market and they are super fresh and delicous, and have been hard boiling them for breakfast...much like poaching, a low fat way to get an amazing protein that tastes great