Thursday, June 28, 2012

MasterChef Observations

Nice to see Ultimate Douche go away already; if this were Hell's Kitchen, the producers would be bending over backwards trying to pull an Elise and keep him around until the very end. It's not that I don't understand the need to manufacture a villain on reality competition shows, it's just that Ryan wasn't any good at it. His bland "bwa-ha-ha" was so ineffectual and boring. Just another annoying kid who was overconfident in his talent. Meh. At least I don't have to hear him talk anymore. (Or hear Tanya cry about how kind and soulful he was, ouch. That was like the first scene of a date rape video. Yeah, hon, he's really a caring guy. He'll probably hold you until you fall asleep, keeping an eye on the clock all the while.)

If you're going to be slimy and sleazy, at least try to have a personality, dude.

Well, Ryan down. Next: Tali and his stupid fucking hat. Thank god we don't have to hear them talk about how awesome they are and how everyone else sucks. Deranged. No, Tali, everyone's just jealous of you and your talent. I'll bet Gordon weeps into his pillow at night because he can't make crab legs look like Freddy Krueger's hand rising from the bottom of a bowl. He just can't see how appetizing that is because he wants one of those super-cool mid-seventies low-rent pimp hats.

Other observations:

:: Monti yelling in Spanish was awesome. I have gone from not liking her to wanting to name my daughter after her. I don't know why, but setting her trifle on fire only makes me love her more.

:: Does molten lava cake really "terrify chefs across the world"? Because my local Domino's seems to have no problem churning them out.

:: So glad Felix didn't go home. And I hope she doesn't screw up that big again. Also, I really want a tiramisu now. Haven't had one of those in years, I think.

Separate Hell's Kitchen comment:

Hey, Little Steven, you can stop auditioning for The Sopranos now, it's been off the air a couple of years.

I just cannot stand this person. She vacillates wildly between being amazingly pronoid ("Everyone loves me, even an obviously-bored, straining-the-boundaries-of-being-polite Sugar Ray Leonard!") and amazingly paranoid ("Christine didn't want me to disrupt her rhythm by getting in her way, what a fucking bitch!"). And trying to steal meat from the Blue Team? Low. Really shitty.

:: Also, maybe for season 11 we could change the theme song or something? The Ohio Players' "Fire" is a song I've never once pictured anyone actually listening to on purpose. Not that it's bad, it's just... there. It's a cliche, frankly. And the line about how "the way you swerve and curve really wrecks my nerves" always sounds like "really wrecks my nads" to me. I don't know why, but that's all I can hear.

How about that title sequence this season, huh? Almost no one hides the fact that they think it's mainly bullshit. Not even Gordon. And watch that reveal of Gordon. Watch James. The way he walks over and spreads his hands with an unspoken "Ta-da!" and then just drops it. He can't even wait until he's out of camera range to show his annoyance with this whole indignity. It is hilarious. My favorite part of the opening.


Devilham said...

"Hey, Little Steven, you can stop auditioning for The Sopranos now, it's been off the air a couple of years"

I just laughed out loud SF!

This years batch of HK contestants are really vile, Kimmy and the one above you mentioned stand out, but really, only Barbie seems to be remotely adult of that crew, and I don't want to imply that she is stable by any means!

SamuraiFrog said...

I get what you mean; Barbie at least seems like a grown-up. I have sympathy for her because everyone turned on her so quickly. She has problems, but it happened so quickly.

Anonymous said...

I laughed the loudest and longest reading your lava cake comment. Domino’s has it down to a science, but changing ovens, ramekins and recipe makes it more difficult. The “long method” of making the batter is very difficult too, including tempering the chocolate yourself. I don’t think they went to that much trouble. My whole family started watching after a Dish co-worker came over and suggested we watch, when he saw the show on our PrimeTime Anytime recordings. We only watch “PrimeTime” shows now because we can watch commercial free with Auto Hop, which lets us watch more TV shows in one evening. We save 20 minutes an hour when we watch commercial free so that means more of what we pay for, TV, not commercials.