Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Playmate of the Year 2011

Yeah, that time of year again: the time for my annual post of total objectification, which used to piss off a lot of people before they started wisely ignoring it. Hopefully that means fewer racist rants about naked black women this time around...

So, my personal ranking of this year's Playmates.

12. Ashley Mattingly, Miss March. I just don't find her body type attractive. I like hips and curves. (Don't worry, I've already been assured yet again how shallow I am.)

11. Iryna Ivanova, Miss August. It really puts me off how she looks so glassy-eyed in every shot. She's one of two Playmates this year from the Ukraine. To look at their website, Hugh Hefner owns some kind of Playmate/Cyber Girl Factory in the Ukraine. It makes me uncomfortable for reasons I can't quite grasp.

10. Sasha Bonilova, Miss May. I don't know, there's just no connection for me. It's objectification, there's no logical reasoning for any of this. She just strikes me as a little too made up somehow. Self-conscious in front of a camera.

9. Jaclyn Swedberg, Miss April. This year's Playmate of the Year according to readers. I can't think of a reason why. Usually I don't agree but can understand why, but this year I have no idea. I don't find her attractive at all.

8. Jessa Hinton, Miss July. It's July, got to pull out that boat again, that never gets old. I've been saying it for years: new blood in the photography department, Playboy, not the same three people just going through the motions. If I like Jessa at all it's because she reminds me of the 80s. But I'll just say I also picked a photo that really flattered her body.

7. Anna Sophia Berglund, Miss January. Cute smile. This behind-the-scenes old-timey dressing room set is another one I'm sick of seeing crop up in Playmate photo shoots.

6. Rainy Day Jordan, Miss December. They put her in the barn because, apparently, where else do you put a girl from Texas? Nice body--she doesn't have that caved-in stomach look that seems so prized nowadays.

5. Amanda Cerny, Miss October. And there's that nighttime studio apartment again, right on schedule. Amanda Cerny has a look I sort of naturally like, plus I dig that she has hips and an ass. Her pictures aren't that great, but the photographers just don't seem to be inspired anymore.

4. Mei-Ling Lam, Miss June. This year Playboy included an Asian woman in those two slots they always have every year for non-white women. I just realized Mei-Ling is Playboy's first Asian centerfold since Grace Kim in 2008. God forbid they don't get that 80% white woman coverage. (Or uncoverage, if you want to make a really dumbass pun.) Anyway, I think Mei-Ling is very cute, and she's wonderfully at ease in front of the camera. That counts for a lot, especially since she gets the requisite "It's June, put the girl out in a field" layout that happens every year.

3. Tiffany Toth, Miss September. I don't find her body terribly sexy, but I just keep going back to her smile and the fact that she's so damn comfortable in front of the camera. It's all I really ask.

2. Kylie Johnson, Miss February. Okay, I'm cheating a little bit here, because I don't really like most of the pictures in her centerfold layout (ugh, again with the ski cabin and the hot tub) and I think she's airbrushed to hell (like a lot of black women that appear as Playmates, which I remember even though there hasn't been a black Playmate since 2008). But I have seen her in other magazines, and I think she's sexy as hell.

1. Ciara Price, Miss November. Well, as usual with me, it all comes down to the smile. I've been told that makes me shallow and a whole bunch of other things, but I don't really give a fuck. She radiates personality, she has a beautiful smile, and she has confidence to spare. I find a confident smile a hell of a lot more attractive than anything else in one of these shoots. Hell, I've told you that eight times now, every May, so I'm sure you all remember and stopped listening at least five Mays ago. Ciara doesn't have my favorite kind of body in the world, either, but her pictures are just so fun and full of life, and frankly, that's what I want most out of my nudity.


Chris said...

OMGosh, I laughed through the whole thing.

Shallow? You're ranking Playmates!!! :-D Don't let the trolls make you neurotic. :-)

And if you want to see "shallow," wait for my upcoming ranking of the gladiators of Spartacus... ;-)

Also, imho, I always find Playmates pretty fake. The only "beautiful" bodies are when they do things like the volleyball teams and whatnot. Also the breasts are large, fake and generally have gargantuan nipples.

Nathan said...

I always enjoy these posts. Honestly, I can't say I care for this particular crop of Playmates. Not that they're not attractive, just that there really isn't any spark to any of them. Eh, whatever.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

None of this group really appeal to me. Uusally there is one in the bunch to lust over.