Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Lame Things I Get Excited Over

This week, it was a shower head.

Last year sometime, the management here at my apartment complex changed all of the faucets and the shower head out for some of those low flow models. So now, instead of a good stream of water, they just sort of lazily trickle out as though no one ever had to do anything urgently when it came to bathing or washing dishes. I know this is part of the eco-fad where making a dozen irritating little changes are supposed to make everyone feel like they're saving the environment, but it mostly just pisses me off. I honestly don't even understand how this is saving water when I have to spend two to three times longer in the shower with the water on just to feel like I'm rinsing off.

Personally, I like to get clean. And I almost never feel clean after taking a shower anymore, because the head's not really doing its job. It's especially bad for me right now when, thanks to withdrawal and the loss of complacency I had on Lexapro, as well as the effects of my high blood pressure and my weight, which I just feel more without Lex, every little irritant is a potential explosion waiting to blow.

So yesterday we marched over to Walmart, picked up a $20 shower head, took the old one off, and put the new one in. We're not supposed to do it, but fuck it, I'm going to control my shower for the money I pay to rent this place. I bought one of those shower heads where the head is detachable and you can use it as a handheld. (Or as it was referred to by a dear friend this morning, the one that ladies masturbate with.) It's nice because the handle gives it some height, so now the shower head is actually over my head and not at freaking eye level.

I used it for the first time this morning, and I love it. First of all, I was in the shower for a reasonable amount of time for the first time in a year. Second, I actually feel clean for the first time in a year. I like being in control of the water flow and the settings and moving it around... This is a time in my life when I don't feel there's much that's actually within my control, so any little victory like this is especially exciting. I feel like I fixed something that I didn't like about my life, even something this small.

A couple of other post-Lex things:

The only side effect I think I'm still experiencing that's really withdrawal related is my sharp, hacking cough. My body still feels exhausted at times, even with walking almost every day, and the coughs sometimes get so bad that they hurt my ab muscles. Water helps this, and the more water I drink, the better it facilitates my weight loss, which is ultimately a good coming out of this pain.

Also, I can report (not that you want to hear it) that my libido and sexual performance are extremely normal and enthusiastic now. I was really worried when I read that the sexual dysfunction side effects could be permanent, but they're wonderfully not in my case. Whew!

I have also lost some weight. At my highest weight, I weighed an amount I'll be too embarrassed to say for a long time. Ironically, the doctor put me on Lexapro to help me cut down my anxiety so I could gather the focus to concentrate on my weight loss. Instead I put on another 80 pounds. I got to a point last week where I suddenly stood up and felt the weight I'd lost. I could finally feel it happening. Of course, now I'm used to it and hoping soon I'll hit another plateau. I want to be healthy a lot more than I want to be free of anxiety, honestly. But my anxiety and depression are nowhere near as bad as they were a few years ago.

They do still come, though. Things test me. Incessant worries nag at me, and sometimes it builds up to be too much for me to handle and either I explode (I'm trying harder than ever not to, and it's more infrequent than I'd have believed) or I break down in tears (more frequent than Hulking out, but still not as much as I'd think). I've taken two Xanax (someone else's, obvs) in the last month or so, and it does one hell of a good job soothing me and calming me down and just all-around sedating me. So I think, when I can afford to go to the doctor again, I'm going to ask him about writing me out a prescription for it. I like the idea of having something to tranquilize me when it gets as bad as it very occasionally does. I took those two pills about four weeks apart; sometimes just walking around helps calm me down, so those were very bad occasions. I kind of figure that Xanax is a back-up, something to have in case I get too melty. I feel very imbalanced lately, and though I'm trying hard to deal with it without medication, apparently every month or so there's a night where it just doesn't work for me. So I like the idea of a medication that's wholly optional, that I don't have to take every single day and get my body hooked on again. Those days are over. (Well, except for my blood pressure meds, but, you know. Losing weight will help that a lot, too.)

Also, Xanax is a $4 prescription, and not the $118 I was paying for Lexapro without insurance.

Regardless, I feel like it's time to start pushing myself more. I've been taking it slow to outlast the withdrawal. Now that I think it's mostly gone, it's time to start getting to work in earnest, like I was four or five years ago. The Lexapro made me complacent and comfortable. Now I feel like a beached whale and need to get a move on so I don't anymore. It's that simple.

I hope I can do this.

4 comments:

MC said...

Good luck Aaron. Sounds like you are making good progress, and I know you can push through and reach your goals.

(My lame thing I got excited about today: I got a couple pairs of shoes. All my old pairs had holes in them and were warn down... and I'd been wearing winter boots this time... and since it has been an unseasonably warm winter, it felt weird. That tax refund came just in time).

Splotchy said...

You can do it.

And I get excited about all sorts of small things. That's life, man.

Phillip A. Ellis said...

You can do it! I know you can! I know a friend who has the stamina to get up an blog almost every day for years, and that personneed to convince is your inner Thomas. has the willpower to make miracles happen (the '!' is trademarked, sorry :) ) -- and that friend is you!

The only person you

Bob Rutledge said...

I got to a point last week where I suddenly stood up and felt the weight I'd lost.

About 15 years ago I decided, all in the same week, to 1)lose a shit-ton of weight, b) stop biting my fingernails and III) stop smoking. I was on the plus side of 350, had been a nail-biter my whole life, and a smoker for six or seven years. ANYway, I had a moment just like yours when allofasudden, I was lighter and could feel it all the way to my toes. It was very nice. Over the course of almost a year, I went from a 50" waist to 40"s being a bit loose.

(I relapsed and had another 10 years of smoking [stopped again almost 4 years ago], and over the years I've crept back up to 350 again -- But, by god, my nails are long and luxurious!!)

Positive thoughts on your progressing toward the person you want to be.


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"hallysai itsmas", which, to me, sounds cloyingly cute, but what the hell....

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