Thursday, February 09, 2012

Loathsome Humans

The annual 50 Most Loathsome Americans list is finally up on The BEAST.

A couple of bits I was especially happy with (not in Ian Murphy's list order):

:: Michael Bloomberg: "A neo-feudal lord who bought his political power and then used his 'army' to put down a peasant uprising."

:: John Boehner: "The most infuriating thing about Boehner playing 'fiscally responsible' politics over the debt ceiling was that the debt ceiling isn’t a limit on how much we can borrow, it’s a limit on how much incurred debt we’ll pay back — which is like saying that the responsible thing to do is to use your credit card and not pay the bill."

:: Herman Cain: "The first ever book tour to run for president [...]"

:: Eric Cantor: "A man who makes Congress’s 5% approval rating seem confoundingly high [...]"

:: David Frum: "As Bush’s speechwriter he gave us the “Axis of Evil,” and now he wants us to believe that, in comparison to today’s insane Tea Party set, he represents an endangered levelheadedness of Republicans past."

:: Newt Gingrich: "[...] compared to his record as Speaker, his personal life seems ethical by contrast."

:: Christopher Hitchens: "With his undoubtedly elegant prose, Hitch provided more support to Islamophobes than a Lowe’s 2 x 4."

:: Arianna Huffington: "Publisher of some of the most profoundly stupid, anti-scientific tripe this side of Deepak Chopra’s magical asshole."

:: Steve Jobs: "Got rich lifting other people’s ideas; got richer by melding marketing with spirituality to sell environment-destroying status symbols made by Chinese children to oblivious, cultish prigs. He was a paranoid tyrant who abused his employees, exacted totalitarian control over iPhone apps under the puritanical guise of protecting kids from teh pr0n, and he even ruled over a private Apple security force — which has actually raided people’s houses."

:: Kim Kardashian: "So outraged over the Casey Anthony verdict that she forgot her dead dad helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder."

:: Frank Luntz: "[...] would market kitten leukemia if the price was right."

:: Frank Miller: "The Stephenie Meyer of comic books, Miller has all the literary & political depth of a masturbating squirrel."

:: Rupert Murdoch: "Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; it’s the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism."

:: Barack Obama: "A post-constitutional demagogue who ran on closing Guantanamo Bay, and ended up signing away Americans’ right to trial. But you can’t blame him for it. Really. Because he’ll be out of office when it begins. The guy is literally ordering flying robots to murder people throughout the Arab world — Americans even — but if you call him a fascist people think you’re in league with Glenn Beck or Lyndon LaRouche. [...] In too many ways, his first term may as well have been Bush’s third [...]"

:: Sarah Palin: "Owes her entire rise to national prominence to the fact that Weekly Standard schmuck Bill Kristol met her on an Alaskan cruise and wanted to bang her."

:: Ron Paul: "More free market Muppet than man, Paul’s libertarianism is a deeply schizophrenic ideology wherein personal freedom trumps everything — especially personal freedom. Whether it’s regulating women’s uteri under the pretense of 'state’s rights,' defending sexual harassers, or hypothetically voting against the Civil Rights Act, Paul’s positions display bewildering lack of intellectual coherence. Most grating (aside from his horrifically racist and homophobic eponymous newsletter, or that he’s a doctor who doesn’t understand evolution), he’s managed to posture as an economic populist, despite the fact that his Randroid quest to eliminate government is the stuff of which oligarchies are made. But he would, like, totally legalize weed, dude."

:: Rick Perry: "A deluded Christian who hates women and science unless there’s a paycheck from Merck involved."

:: Ayn Rand: "Despite being a long-dead idiot, Rand continues to exert a mystifying control over the minds of America’s Social Darwinist dolts with her misanthropic 'philosophy' of unbridled greed."

:: Mitt Romney: "The Schrödinger’s cat of American politics, Mittens is simultaneously on both sides of every issue, and no one truly knows his position until he opens his mouth. He’s so incapable of honesty that he’s even lied about his own name. Morally dissonant, too, much of the seed money for Bain Capital — which made Mittens millions by gutting companies, killing jobs and raiding pensions — came from an El Salvadorian family that financed death squads in the ’80′s, but when it came time to do business with Artisan Entertainment, Romney refused because they produce R-rated movies. [...] so damn white he makes Justin Bieber seem like Gil Scott-Heron."

:: Jerry Sandusky: "When asked point blank by Costas if he’s sexually attracted to children, his stalling echolalia about ‘enjoying’ children made Michael Jackson’s denials seem plausible in retrospect."

:: Rick Santorum: "So far in the closet, he’s standing next to your dad’s stack of vintage Playboys. Seriously."

:: Tim Tebow: "[...] likely just another self-loathing homosexual. And he’s sanctimonious as hell for a guy who works exclusively on the Sabbath."

:: Donald Trump: "Besotted by his own garish ignorance, The Donald stumbled into a depth of buffoonery last year which made Gary Busey seem respectably grounded."

:: Anthony Weiner: "Weiner represents everything that’s wrong with the Democratic Party: the craven inability to act and the pathetic ability to fold under pressure. With one errant keystroke, he bestowed upon Andrew Breitbart a wholly unfounded air of credibility."

1 comment:

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I am in the mood for some sweet shaudenfreud today and that list fills my tummy full.