Friday, February 24, 2012

I Feel Terrible

Last night, I had a fit of rage. All sparked off by a mistake I made while vacuuming the apartment and a situation where I needed a screwdriver and couldn't find one. I was home alone for the worst of it, which is a small blessing, because I hate subjecting Becca to whatever my chemical imbalance is. I just became totally enraged. I wanted to take it out on something, but I'm trying so hard not to go back to my old ways from years ago when I used to throw things around and punch holes in the walls. I'm ashamed of those reactions, and I'm ashamed of last night. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I sobbed deeply at my inability to keep a small inconvenience from derailing me totally, and, needing to punch something hard, I punched myself in the side of the head and hurt myself pretty bad. It still hurts right now, just under 24 hours later.

I barely slept because of a bad snowstorm which had me weirdly terrified for Becca, who had to go out and drive for work, and since I'm afraid of driving in the snow it transferred to me worrying about her. I finally gave up on sleeping about 4 this morning. The result, of course, is that I've had a splitting headache all day and have been drifting in and out of sleep. I know, rationally, that Becca is a careful driver and can take care of herself. Not that it helps. I'll still worry.

I have a bad pain in my eye, which usually happens when I've strained my emotions like this.

I'm pretty obviously bipolar. I don't want to be on the medicine again.

I fucking hate this. This is a bad couple of days. Some of the worst since I was forced off of the Lexapro in the first place, and especially some of the worst since I became conscious that I was going through withdrawal. Every time I think it's over, another tremor occurs and my head pounds. And the worst part is, it's now becoming incredibly obvious what's just the withdrawal and what problems are actually something that's wrong with me and how I'm wired. I know remember quite painfully why I went on Lexapro in the first place.

Right now it feels like my choices are the dependence on prescription drugs, or being Bruce Banner again and just suddenly turning into the Hulk with little warning.

Ugh, I hate it.

I know I'm probably just whining. No one else is required to help me through my recovery, which is what this is. I just need to vent sometimes. All I can do is try to spend my energy, rationally process my emotions instead of just reacting, and keep trying to lose weight to minimize my blood pressure.

But fuck is it hard.


Caffeinated Joe said...

Definitely hard, but kudos on recognizing all the signs and all the behaviors. Not much help to hear that, I'm sure, but you are on the right road. One day at a time, as they say. Keep venting here, that's what blogs are for!

D a V e said...

I have been subscribing to your blog via RSS for 2+ years now, due to your superb writing style and content. I'm sorry to hear this post. I am on Lexapro daily due to being a very ill child. Trust me, like all generically prescribed pharmaceuticals, the side effects can sometime outweigh the positives. Keep on fighting the good fight. - Dave

Kelly Sedinger said...

I'm no expert, but I wonder if venting in itself isn't such a bad thing, as long as you find ways to vent non-destructively. Screaming into a pillow when you're alone may help. So, too, may blogging. As ever, you have my support from afar.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I wonder if you saw last week's '60 Minutes' on the 'placebo effect'. It was a facinating segment. I take Paxil and have wondered what would happen if I went off it.

Megan said...


Roger Owen Green said...

In one of my more frustrated moments - a December 1, 1980 romantic breakup - I found breaking glass into a corner cathartic. In fact, I used to have cheap glass jars for that very purpose. But glass is now so shatter-resistant these days...

Another self- therapy, which one can actually do outdoors if one can rig a clothesline, is to beat a rug with a baseball bat. There's something about the physicality that was great.

But my #1 solution is that I had a very large teddy bear, which would take the brunt of my anger. Better it than yourself.

I wish you the best, whatever the solution.

Autumn said...

I have a sister who is bipolar schizo and while she was pregnant, she had to be off her meds. For the first time since her teens she had to face again that she was an unstable person and it really scared her, she told me that when her anger over something simple and small got out of control she had a calming down routine. She would brew a pot of tea, and make herself some toast or crackers or something, and sit down and drink it. When she made the tea she would focus all her energy on doing it in one specific way, the order in which youset out the cup, plate, teabag, etc, laying out the food so it looked nice, buttering the toast perfectly. Sometimes she didn't even need the tv show, because the calmness and repitition of the teamaking became soothing.

I'm not suggesting tea perhaps, but if there is some small, detailed, 15 minute task you could do it might help. She did tell me in the beginning her hands would shake at the start of her task and she broke a few cups, but after a few weeks it was enough to immediately push her back over the line just to start the kettle.

I hope this helps. Due to her schizophrenia she was not able to permanently stay off her meds, but she still uses her routine when she starts to feel manic and it works for her.

Jason said...

Not to get all touchy-feely hippie New Ager on you, but I wonder if maybe meditation or tai chi might be helpful? I did tai chi for a while in my 20s and it really did seem to help lower stress and improve my overall focus and control. Just a thought.

Like everyone else who's commented, I remain on your side and hope you find your way.