Oh, Joe Bastianich

I'd forgotten just how deep my loathing for you is.

"Oh, you made a risotto for Joe Bastianich? Uh oh." Cut to Joe Bastianich, all Gollum-eyed and hunched over, acting like he owns risotto... Ooh, I judge you with my eyes.

MasterChef is going to be a trial this year, I can already tell.

Everything's just so made-for-TV. There's no concern for whether food is any good, it's all about who was a marketable story and who will jump through idiotic hoops to get on TV. It's so slick and cynical, and so far I hate everyone involved, including my TV stalwart Gordon Ramsey. (Yeah, yeah, you've been to India, so only your curry is authentic.)

Actually, I did like two people for sure. The Scottish woman who didn't make it on the show, and the guy who cooked the alligator meat. Although I did have to give a hollow laugh when he said Gordon Ramsey was a son of a bitch who was straight with you. Tell that to the guy he made run around the warehouse before rejecting him.

This Is What Sarah Palin Calls Gotcha Journalism

“And in a shout-out, gotcha type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”

No she doesn't. She knows she doesn't. If she did, she wouldn't have said the stupid shit she did. To paraphrase Hank Hill, did all of those words fall out of her mouth at random, or did she mean to say that?

What I especially hate about Sarah Palin, is that I'm convinced she knows she's ignorant and that she's in over her head. She's in this for the celebrity and the power. I don't think she knows in her heart why she wants to be president at all. I think she just wants to do it because she thinks she can. It's like winning America's biggest pageant for her, and she can trade it in for another reality show deal or a fluff position with a publisher or become a Fox News anchor or something. She panders to the most ignorant of the Teatards and Republicans because that's the quickest way to win. She's an unprincipled hypocrite, and I think she knows and doesn't care.

So she'll cry "gotcha journalism" at anyone who puts her in a position to reveal her true ignorance, because she can't win on ideas or political debate or anything but her media whoring (and, of course, the media plays their part with the eagerness of a puppy starved of affection--she denigrates the media, yet without them, she wouldn't exist).

What a parade of idiots politics is.

Well, There You Go

Even a broken clock is right twice a day...

A couple of quick observations about Rep. Anthony Weiner's admissions today

:: Even though Breitbart turned out to be right, he's still been wrong countless times. And though I'm really disgusted that he's right, I'm more disgusted by the undisguised, unfettered glee with which he want after Weiner.

:: Rep. Weiner owning up to it was the right thing to do, but I'd have respected him more if he owned up right away. Seriously, just answer "Yeah, that's my dick, so what?" You look like a hypocrite and a dolt when you drag it out, especially when you're demanding moral accountability from your colleagues in Congress. I do agree with Weiner's decision not to resign, but it still hurts to see one of the last good progressives degraded by his own stupid actions.

:: Weiner was pretty stupid to do something like this when he knows he's a target of the right wing. And he's young enough to be tech-savvy, come on. He knows how the internet works.

:: Even though the media will be on this for days, we don't need to hear any more about what might happen in his marriage. That's a matter for the people actually in the marriage.

:: Weiner has a surprisingly nice body. Just saying.

:: Can the media go back to talking about jobs and the debt ceiling now, like they fucking should be?

This has been a colossal waste of time. We don't make these people sign morals clauses.

UPDATE 5:30 PM: Also, interesting theory going around that Breitbart already had this information and timed it to distract from Clarence Thomas.

Kristen Bell Mondays

Song of the Week: "Dream Police"

I've never had Cheap Trick up before. They've never been one of my favorite bands, but they've got a couple of songs I really dig, and this is one of them. Here's the promo video from 1979. Also: I still think this song should've played over the end credits of Inception. Just to take the self-important piss out of that snoozefest.

Sunday Hottie 331

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Miley Cyrus

An Andrew Breitbart Story Not True? That's Unpossible!

MC posted this link in my comments section, and I just want to make sure this gets out to more people: Weiner Story Another Breitbart Scam. It's a simple but elegant destruction of Breitbart's claim against Rep. Anthony Weiner, a man that the Right has a hard-on to discredit in any way they can, no matter how clumsy, stupid, and obviously false.

Do your jobs, media.

UPDATE 6/4: James Urbaniak had a good theory, too:

My Weinergate theory as of today is that @patriotusa76 (the original RTer of the famous crotch tweet) is an intimate of an intimate of Weiner’s privy to private data and bent on revenge. He used this data to post an actual photo of Weiner’s crotch onto Weiner’s Twitter/yfrog account. I don’t necessarily think PatriotUSA76 knows the young lady to whom the tweet was ostensibly directed; I think he knows someone else who had previously privately received said crotch shot from Weiner. Which is why both Weiner and PatriotUSA76 are acting like they’re hiding something.

It does make sense.

As of now, I think my official theory is I don't give a shit. Everyone just get back to work.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian 1928-2011

Okay... Dr. Kevorkian died, and you're going to read a lot of religious and right-wing bullshit today about "Dr. Death" and how he was some sort of evil murderer. And though I've never bought into the extreme position of Dr. Kevorkian as a hero, I did respect him as a humanist. This guy's biggest crime was daring to suggest--and put into practice--the idea that people who are lingering in terminal pain should have rights over their own bodies and be able to decide when enough pain is enough. I resent the idea that the government or the medical industry has the final say over how long a terminal patient's life should be. That is a fundamentally personal decision, and the case against Dr. Kevorkian is simply another reminder that government and religion don't want you to think you own your own body. So on that score, Dr. Kevorkian raised some important questions that we still have yet to answer. And that's a service.

My 20 Favorite Star Trek Characters

Doing this list, I see now that I'm far less attached to the Star Trek universe than I thought I was. Whether that makes this list more interesting or not, I have no idea, but Becca suggested this one, so here we are.

20. Porthos. I haven't seen much of Enterprise, but based on what I have seen, he's by far my favorite character.

19. Saavik. A potentially fascinating character that unfortunately got derailed by a change to a far less interesting actress (your fault, Shatner) and then just dropping her altogether.

18. Captain Garrett. It's a shame she was a one-off. I really thought she was interesting and wanted to know more about her than I ever did about Janeway.

17. Gowron. This character had all of the edges I always wanted Worf to have. Unfortunately, the TNG writers loved having troubled characters instead of interesting ones...

16. Commander Kor. The only truly great Klingon rival for Kirk.

15. Lt. Uhura. What a doll. I wish they could've done more with her, in the show and in the films.

14. Pava. My favorite character from the all-too-short-lived Marvel Starfleet Academy comic book. She was fantastic, though she had a real anger problem. The Trek universe needs more Andorians.

13. Kahless the Unforgettable. I always want to like the Klingons more than I do. Maybe when I rewatch TNG it'll click this time for me. Since there are few Klingons on this list, there's obviously something there.

12. Commander Riker. A stalwart.

11. Lt. Barclay. I could relate to him.

10. I-Chaya. You know I love my sehlats. Shame we never got to see more of them. And I guess with Vulcan destroyed in the new series, we'll never get to. Ah, well, I have the only episode of the animated series I remember liking.

9. Khan Noonien Singh. Crack all the jokes you want, this guy is pure, epic, scenery-chewing magnificence. Not just the best Star Trek movie villain, but one of the best movie villains ever.

8. Sulu. A delight, but extra points for the fun Captain Sulu audio adventures.

7. Number One. She was always intriguing as a character, but she's this high because of the short-lived but very good Marvel comic Star Trek: Early Adventures. I don't care if it wasn't canon, she was a great character and I enjoyed the hell out of the book.

6. Dr. McCoy. Always the voice of passion.

5. Sarek. I just appreciate the Vulcans so much. I always liked Sarek, but he places so high because of that great Peter S. Beagle-written TNG episode.

4. Q. It's probably a cliche now to talk about what a great character Q is, but come on, Q's a great character!

3. Captain Kirk. Well, come on. He's an icon. A more thoughtful approach to the science hero of the 1930s, but still an action hero.

2. Captain Picard. I guess this is the side of the Kirk/Picard debate I fall down on. I just always found Picard a richer, more thoughtful character. It's for a variety of reasons--the different TV landscape in the 80s, Roddenberry being older (hey, on TNG, Kirk is basically first officer, and the captain is more mature). As fastidious, repetitive, and tiresome as TNG could get, I always loved Picard.

1. Spock. Was there any doubt? He's always been the Trek character who resonated with me the most, from the very beginning. Not because I'm emotionless and logical; quite the opposite. I know what he's struggling to keep in check. (Ooh, that sounds overdramatic.) But Spock is probably one of my top 5 favorite fictional characters of all time.

The Other M Stands for Mope

Metroid: Other M would be a thousand times more fun to play without the exhausting cut scenes. They are just Samus moping through a dystopia and narrating long flashbacks about her problematic relationship to men in authority. Dude, I just want to play the fucking game and fight some aliens, alright? I don't need your wannabe Resident Evil narrative.

Dolly Time

If Those Nude Pictures Aren't of Blake Lively...

...then how can she legally demand that every website in the known universe take the pictures off the internet?

I mean, first she says they are "100%" not her, and then she threatens legal action against any website that publishes the pictures.

But, if they aren't pictures of her, she has no legal claim to them.

So... which is it?

My best guess? Another case of a celebrity needing a quick infusion of edge and attention.

Film Week

A review of the films I've seen this past week.

THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE (2010)

It's cute. It's harmless. These kinds of movies are never as much fun as they should be anymore, but Jay Baruchel's charm makes up for a lot. And I liked a lot of the Disney nods. *** stars.

DJANGO (1966)

Fantastic Spaghetti Western that took me way too long to finally see. This one pulled me in and captivated me. Not necessarily groundbreaking, but very cool. ***1/2 stars.

BLACK SABBATH (1963)

I liked about half of this horror anthology. "The Telephone" and "The Drop of Water" are very chilling and effective, but the big centerpiece, "The Wurdalak" with Boris Karloff as a vampire, really drags. It's too bad it takes so much time to get going; a little less set-up and I would've been riveted to it, since it's the kind of vampire story I tend to like (a revenant returning to his home after death). But I'm still going with *** stars, because what works works very well. (For me, anyway.)

TOO BIG TO FAIL (2011)

Interesting docudrama about the 2008 economic collapse. It makes some interesting points--including that we've simply set ourselves up to watch it happen again--but as with most docudramas, it's long on docu and short on drama. Basically, it's an industry full of assholes out to save themselves and their bonuses, and their positions, and casting Hank Paulson as the tragic figure at the center doesn't really resonate for me. (Though William Hurt is good in the role, but he's good in everything.) Still, a very interesting movie. *** stars.

TOOTH FAIRY (2010)

Unwatchable. No stars.

I Miss Kari Wuhrer