Kristen Bell Mondays

Joanie Time

Song of the Week: "Words"

One of my favorite Monkees songs. The album version is better, but I had to post this video from the show, with a possibly high Davy Jones hilariously transfixed by chimes and pretending to play the drums. It's bizarre. Mickey and Peter, face contorted with emotion, are really intense, really taking it seriously, with Mike doing his usual standing-stock-still routine, and then Davy, like a little kid who wandered in off the street, pretending to pound those drums and trying not to giggle at the chimes. Pretty much the essence of the Monkees in 3 minutes. Fantastic song.

Efficient American Bureaucracy in Action

I like to get my taxes in early. I like getting my refund as quickly as possible, I don't like letting it sit around waiting, and now that Becca and I are married and file jointly, I especially feel like it's my responsibility to get it done quickly.

So we did them the last week in January and waited to get the refund direct deposited within a few days. Which never happened. They transposed my bank account number when issuing my refund, so after calling the IRS and finally (finally, Lord) getting through to a real living breathing person (a feat which itself should have some kind of reward attached to it), I was told about the mix-up and what happens in these cases: I have to wait for a check in the mail, which takes a month.

Fast forward to last week, and the check finally comes. Okay, well, mistakes happen, but at least we finally got our money.

But the hilarious little twist: I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the IRS telling me that there was an error with my direct deposit and that a check would be coming in the mail. A week after the check came in the mail.

It's this sort of thing that really instills confidence in the ability of government institutions to weather something much bigger, you know?

Sunday Hottie 318

MOTHER GOTHEL

Boy, that ring is just right there...

My 20 Favorite WWF Wrestlers

Of all the homoerotic stuff I grew up with in the '80s--ThunderCats, Masters of the Universe--probably the most homoerotic and the most ridiculously fun was WWF Wrestling. Wrestling was one of my favorite things to watch on TV with my Dad, back when he and Jayne and I would watch Sunday afternoon television on local channels: the Three Stooges, Godzilla, kung fu movies, and WWF. My cousin Brandy had action figures. I had posters and loved the cartoon Hulk Hogan's Rock & Wrestling. It was just big, stupid fun. So, for the hell of it, here are the men who were my 20 favorites.

Honorable Mention: Bam Bam Bigelow
I had to get this guy in. To be honest, I don't remember watching him wrestle a ton of times, but he was my favorite character to use when playing WWF WrestleMania on NES. He did this cartwheel move that could just kick anyone right in the face. It was awesome.

20. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
... How am I not more gay? I used to cheer a guy with pink fishnets on his hands and poofy hair as he strutted around in tight pants and used hedge trimmers to cut his opponents' hair.

19. The Rockers
I never noticed before how much Marty Jannetty looks like Mike Myers. Huh.

18. Sgt. Slaughter
Because he was in G.I. Joe, of course. I still have the G.I. Joe figure. Was that one of the figures yo had to send away for? I can't remember. I used to have his tank, also.

17. Koko B. Ware
He's romancing you with his eyes, which is creepy, because he's holding a parrot. I have to admit, though, the parrot is a big part of what made me dig this dude.

16. Superfly Jimmy Snuka
He was kind of out there, with his Hawaiian shtick, but it was almost mesmerizing. I liked the hand signals and the fact that he reminded me of a lot of guys I saw on Guam, which was a place the really got to me (even though I was too young and complainy to really appreciate it the first time). I used to try and do that big jump he'd do off the turnbuckle. I was much more willing to stupidly hurt myself as a kid. As it should be, I suppose.

15. Hillbilly Jim
Dude was just funny. And he reminded me of my Uncle Ralph a little with his big smile and hearty laugh.

14. Honkytonk Man
He's comin' to your town in a pink Cadillac. The silly Elvis impression and the goofy Bruce Campbell humor was a lot like my Dad. And my Dad played the guitar, too, though to the best of my knowledge he never hit anyone in the head with it. Speaking of Dad, he's still got a home movie of me from when I was 13 (I think) dancing and singing along to the Honkytonk Man's theme song. He keeps threatening to show it to people, but he's just jealous that he never rocked the way I do.

13. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
He was just cool. And the perfect wrestler to go along with the Bruce Lee movies we watched on the same local channel.

12. King Kong Bundy
A great villain. And he gets extra points for being so funny on Married...with Children, which is still one of my all time favorite shows.

11. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Wow, that's... sweaty. And shiny. He's like Rexor from Conan the Barbarian crossed with that big guy that played drums for Rod Stewart in the 70s. Always fun to watch.

10. The Iron Sheik
And the dreaded Camel Clutch. Ah, racial stereotyping, where would wrestling be without it?

9. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
He was crazy! A big ol' hillbilly beating the crap out people and whacking them in the head with a board. This guy was a great, hilarious character! He just went nuts on people. You just knew his matches were going to be insane.

8. George "The Animal" Steele
Another guy totally immersed in his character. You half expected Colin Clive to rush out and stop this homunculus from rampaging.

7. Bret "Hitman" Hart
Yeah, this is what passed for cool in wrestling in the late 80s, when the Ultimate Warrior showed up and everybody became an overly-juiced douchebag. The WWF lost that innocent, character-based, comic book style fantasy element and become about the Cool. I admit, a lot of what I dug about Hitman was his mirrored glasses, which I used to have my own pair of.

6. Junkyard Dog
He was cool and hilarious. He had a song on The Wrestling Album called "Grab Them Cakes," which I still use to make Becca laugh sometimes. I found out while putting this together that JYD is Becca's favorite wrestler, so that just makes stupid things like "Grab Them Cakes" funnier to me.

5. Hulk Hogan
He was exactly the wrestler for the Reagan era, wasn't he? Almost ostentatiously American, wholesome, like a real life superhero. It's too bad he went on a reality show so the world could see the ass he really is. Hot daughter, though.

4. Captain Lou Albano
For a little while, this guy was everywhere. Cyndi Lauper videos, TV shows, Brian DePalma movies... and I'm not gonna lie, he gets extra points for being, in my mind, the One True Mario.

3. Andre the Giant
Epic. Everything about him, epic.

2. Rowdy Roddy Piper
An obnoxious loudmouth, just like me. I always wanted him to be in the never-made Big Trouble in Little China sequel... Roddy and Kurt? Awesome.

1. "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Even when he was a villain, I loved this guy. I'm not really even a hundred percent sure what I liked about him so much, but he just made wrestling exciting for me as a sort of pulpy soap opera drama. His rivalry with former tag team partner Hulk Hogan really hooked me in for a while (and yes, I knew it was all fake, it's entertainment, dude), because I just knew there was some way he was going to turn it around. And he and the late Miss Elizabeth were just kind of the embodiment of what made the WWF fun when I was a kid.

Seems like a long time ago. And maybe it was.

Business As Usual

11 months after the BP oil disaster, the Obama Administration approved the first deepwater drilling permit for the Gulf of Mexico. The official announcement from the Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, Regulation and Enforcement cited Noble Energy Inc. as the permit holder. What was left out of the press releases is that BP owns 46.5% of the well being drilled; Noble Energy actually owns about a quarter of the well, at 23.25%.

So, really, the Obama Administration issued a drilling permit to a well operated by Noble Energy, but majority-owned by BP. It's just that no one wants to mention it. (Not even the Associated Press.)

Maybe BP figured out their precautions. Maybe not. We'll see.

Cherie Currie Time?

Oh. Sorry, guys, she says no.

Becca LOVES Matlock

ME: Matlock's never in the beginning of these episodes, is he? We're always seeing some silly love scene and then a murder. I wonder what Matlock does with himself when he's not ambling through crime-solving?

BECCA: He plays the banjo. He polishes his shoes. He talks about pies with Don Knotts. He makes chili. He loves hot dogs. He thinks of new ways to be cantankerous, folksy, and cheap. He dreams about solving crimes in the Old West. He's a well-rounded country gentleman.

The Red Skull

Okay, this just upped my excitement level for Captain America by a considerable percentage. (And it was already pretty damn high.)

(Side note: you know you married the right person when you're watching trailers on the internet and she says "I'm much more excited about Thor than I am about Captain America, and I am REALLY excited about Captain America.")

Marci's Kinky Taco Sex Party

Passing Taco Bell and seeing a sign that says "MARCI WANTS U TO HAVE A TACO PAK."

ME: Who's Marci and what's a Taco Pak?

BECCA: Ugh, that sign's been there for a month. I'm so sick of seeing it.

ME: Is Marci supposed to be somebody?

BECCA: Who cares? Marci's a whore! Fuck Marci and her kinky taco sex party.

ME: Wait, how do you get from Taco Pak to kinky sex party?

BECCA: Do the math!

ME: I don't think I want to do that math...

BECCA: Well, you shouldn't, because there's explosive diarrhea at the end of it.

ME: EEEW!

BECCA: Hey, aren't you the one who always says that everything on the Taco Bell menu sounds like the bowel movement you'll have after you eat it?

ME: I pray I never have to go to Marci's kinky taco sex and diarrhea party...

Miley Time

Dakota Time

GPOY

Riverdale: An Archie Re-Imagining

Put this on the CW next season and I will totally watch the hell out of it. Why not, eh? It's cheesy, it's silly, it's got hot girls, and frankly it has about as much to do with Archie as Smallville does with Superman.