Saturday, March 05, 2011

My 20 Favorite WWF Wrestlers

Of all the homoerotic stuff I grew up with in the '80s--ThunderCats, Masters of the Universe--probably the most homoerotic and the most ridiculously fun was WWF Wrestling. Wrestling was one of my favorite things to watch on TV with my Dad, back when he and Jayne and I would watch Sunday afternoon television on local channels: the Three Stooges, Godzilla, kung fu movies, and WWF. My cousin Brandy had action figures. I had posters and loved the cartoon Hulk Hogan's Rock & Wrestling. It was just big, stupid fun. So, for the hell of it, here are the men who were my 20 favorites.

Honorable Mention: Bam Bam Bigelow
I had to get this guy in. To be honest, I don't remember watching him wrestle a ton of times, but he was my favorite character to use when playing WWF WrestleMania on NES. He did this cartwheel move that could just kick anyone right in the face. It was awesome.

20. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
... How am I not more gay? I used to cheer a guy with pink fishnets on his hands and poofy hair as he strutted around in tight pants and used hedge trimmers to cut his opponents' hair.

19. The Rockers
I never noticed before how much Marty Jannetty looks like Mike Myers. Huh.

18. Sgt. Slaughter
Because he was in G.I. Joe, of course. I still have the G.I. Joe figure. Was that one of the figures yo had to send away for? I can't remember. I used to have his tank, also.

17. Koko B. Ware
He's romancing you with his eyes, which is creepy, because he's holding a parrot. I have to admit, though, the parrot is a big part of what made me dig this dude.

16. Superfly Jimmy Snuka
He was kind of out there, with his Hawaiian shtick, but it was almost mesmerizing. I liked the hand signals and the fact that he reminded me of a lot of guys I saw on Guam, which was a place the really got to me (even though I was too young and complainy to really appreciate it the first time). I used to try and do that big jump he'd do off the turnbuckle. I was much more willing to stupidly hurt myself as a kid. As it should be, I suppose.

15. Hillbilly Jim
Dude was just funny. And he reminded me of my Uncle Ralph a little with his big smile and hearty laugh.

14. Honkytonk Man
He's comin' to your town in a pink Cadillac. The silly Elvis impression and the goofy Bruce Campbell humor was a lot like my Dad. And my Dad played the guitar, too, though to the best of my knowledge he never hit anyone in the head with it. Speaking of Dad, he's still got a home movie of me from when I was 13 (I think) dancing and singing along to the Honkytonk Man's theme song. He keeps threatening to show it to people, but he's just jealous that he never rocked the way I do.

13. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
He was just cool. And the perfect wrestler to go along with the Bruce Lee movies we watched on the same local channel.

12. King Kong Bundy
A great villain. And he gets extra points for being so funny on Married...with Children, which is still one of my all time favorite shows.

11. Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Wow, that's... sweaty. And shiny. He's like Rexor from Conan the Barbarian crossed with that big guy that played drums for Rod Stewart in the 70s. Always fun to watch.

10. The Iron Sheik
And the dreaded Camel Clutch. Ah, racial stereotyping, where would wrestling be without it?

9. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
He was crazy! A big ol' hillbilly beating the crap out people and whacking them in the head with a board. This guy was a great, hilarious character! He just went nuts on people. You just knew his matches were going to be insane.

8. George "The Animal" Steele
Another guy totally immersed in his character. You half expected Colin Clive to rush out and stop this homunculus from rampaging.

7. Bret "Hitman" Hart
Yeah, this is what passed for cool in wrestling in the late 80s, when the Ultimate Warrior showed up and everybody became an overly-juiced douchebag. The WWF lost that innocent, character-based, comic book style fantasy element and become about the Cool. I admit, a lot of what I dug about Hitman was his mirrored glasses, which I used to have my own pair of.

6. Junkyard Dog
He was cool and hilarious. He had a song on The Wrestling Album called "Grab Them Cakes," which I still use to make Becca laugh sometimes. I found out while putting this together that JYD is Becca's favorite wrestler, so that just makes stupid things like "Grab Them Cakes" funnier to me.

5. Hulk Hogan
He was exactly the wrestler for the Reagan era, wasn't he? Almost ostentatiously American, wholesome, like a real life superhero. It's too bad he went on a reality show so the world could see the ass he really is. Hot daughter, though.

4. Captain Lou Albano
For a little while, this guy was everywhere. Cyndi Lauper videos, TV shows, Brian DePalma movies... and I'm not gonna lie, he gets extra points for being, in my mind, the One True Mario.

3. Andre the Giant
Epic. Everything about him, epic.

2. Rowdy Roddy Piper
An obnoxious loudmouth, just like me. I always wanted him to be in the never-made Big Trouble in Little China sequel... Roddy and Kurt? Awesome.

1. "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Even when he was a villain, I loved this guy. I'm not really even a hundred percent sure what I liked about him so much, but he just made wrestling exciting for me as a sort of pulpy soap opera drama. His rivalry with former tag team partner Hulk Hogan really hooked me in for a while (and yes, I knew it was all fake, it's entertainment, dude), because I just knew there was some way he was going to turn it around. And he and the late Miss Elizabeth were just kind of the embodiment of what made the WWF fun when I was a kid.

Seems like a long time ago. And maybe it was.

Business As Usual

11 months after the BP oil disaster, the Obama Administration approved the first deepwater drilling permit for the Gulf of Mexico. The official announcement from the Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, Regulation and Enforcement cited Noble Energy Inc. as the permit holder. What was left out of the press releases is that BP owns 46.5% of the well being drilled; Noble Energy actually owns about a quarter of the well, at 23.25%.

So, really, the Obama Administration issued a drilling permit to a well operated by Noble Energy, but majority-owned by BP. It's just that no one wants to mention it. (Not even the Associated Press.)

Maybe BP figured out their precautions. Maybe not. We'll see.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Becca LOVES Matlock

ME: Matlock's never in the beginning of these episodes, is he? We're always seeing some silly love scene and then a murder. I wonder what Matlock does with himself when he's not ambling through crime-solving?

BECCA: He plays the banjo. He polishes his shoes. He talks about pies with Don Knotts. He makes chili. He loves hot dogs. He thinks of new ways to be cantankerous, folksy, and cheap. He dreams about solving crimes in the Old West. He's a well-rounded country gentleman.

The Red Skull

Okay, this just upped my excitement level for Captain America by a considerable percentage. (And it was already pretty damn high.)

(Side note: you know you married the right person when you're watching trailers on the internet and she says "I'm much more excited about Thor than I am about Captain America, and I am REALLY excited about Captain America.")

Marci's Kinky Taco Sex Party

Passing Taco Bell and seeing a sign that says "MARCI WANTS U TO HAVE A TACO PAK."

ME: Who's Marci and what's a Taco Pak?

BECCA: Ugh, that sign's been there for a month. I'm so sick of seeing it.

ME: Is Marci supposed to be somebody?

BECCA: Who cares? Marci's a whore! Fuck Marci and her kinky taco sex party.

ME: Wait, how do you get from Taco Pak to kinky sex party?

BECCA: Do the math!

ME: I don't think I want to do that math...

BECCA: Well, you shouldn't, because there's explosive diarrhea at the end of it.


BECCA: Hey, aren't you the one who always says that everything on the Taco Bell menu sounds like the bowel movement you'll have after you eat it?

ME: I pray I never have to go to Marci's kinky taco sex and diarrhea party...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011


Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Riverdale: An Archie Re-Imagining

Put this on the CW next season and I will totally watch the hell out of it. Why not, eh? It's cheesy, it's silly, it's got hot girls, and frankly it has about as much to do with Archie as Smallville does with Superman.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Jane Russell 1921-2011

One of my favorite actresses and sex symbols, she passed away today at 89.

The Young, Hip Oscars: More Meh Than Ever

The Oscars seemed shorter than usual to me. It probably had less to do with the actual length (although they only ran over by, what 12 or 15 minutes?) than with the fact that I let the TiVo go and didn't start watching the show until about an hour in. So I skipped all of the commercials and some of the acceptance speeches. But, really, who cares? I still think it's hacky to bitch about the length of Hollywood's yearly circle jerk--it takes as long as it takes. No one knows what they want from the damn thing, anyway.

Good example: the hosts. People seem to want someone irreverent and who treats the whole thing with the grand importance it supposedly has and kisses the asses of the Hollywood elite. Last night, they took two actors I enjoy and made them look like assholes. Or, probably more accurately, let them make themselves look like assholes. Lots of the kids on Tumblr last night (who take the Oscars waaaay too seriously) were joking about how obviously high James Franco was. But no one said anything about Anne Hathaway's obvious drunkeness, which seemed to get worse and worse all night. They were taking digs at the way this year's Oscars were so desperate to be young and hip, and treated the whole thing like the bullshit it is, but wow, did they just seem unfocused. Like they were blowing the whole thing off. I imagine people hated them and, well, they sucked. Stick to the scripted work, you two. Franco did such a mangle on reading the cue cards I thought he was hosting Saturday Night Live again.

That said, James Franco in a leotard? Daddy likes.

Some other observations on this thing:

:: So, they cut out the montages this year (why celebrate movies on a show dedicated to celebrating movies, anyway?), but the whole look back at Gone with the Wind and Ben-Hur was so heavy-handed and pointless. And added to the classics of epic filmmaking is the winner for Best Art Direction... Alice in Wonderland? The worst movie I saw all year is awarded for its dour, unspectacular art direction. Wow, way to get these things off to an exciting start.

At least it wasn't Inception. Can you believe one of their examples of Inception's art direction was its rip-off of the Hotel Room at the End of the Universe from 2001: A Space Odyssey? (Which, by the way, is a film with the kind of poetry that remains far out of reach of Inception?)

:: Best Cinematography: Inception. It seemed to me that Wally Pfister was really winning for The Dark Knight, the movie that changed the Oscars for the worse. I still blame that movie for having to have 10 nominees for Best Picture, a change the Oscars have yet to justify. So, instead of winning for the lousy, nonsensical The Dark Knight, Wally Pfister wins for the lousy, nonsensical Inception, one of the dumbest movies for smart people to come out of this decade. (Seriously, I saw someone on Tumblr claim that Christopher Nolan movies will never win the Oscar because they're too smart, which is a little like saying that an adult doesn't play with Lincoln Logs anymore because they're too difficult.)

Also, Wally Pfister seems like an ass. His speech was, I don't know, assy.

Also also, this guy beat Roger Deakins' beautiful work on True Grit. What the fuck? How, by Xenu, HOW does Roger Deakins continue to NOT have an Oscar? He should've won this award at least five times by now, and it's insane to me that he keeps not winning. When Becca and I predicted the winners, though, I knew it would be Inception, because I knew the voters were going to look at a bunch of CGI and think Ooh, pretty cinematography... fuckers.

:: Kirk Douglas is one of my personal heroes, and it's really sad watching him deteriorate. I don't want to look at Kirk Douglas and think "God, stop talking, old man!" Uncomfortable. He want on forever and ever, and I just wanted someone to come out with the butterfly net and drive him straight to the home. Oi.

Melissa Leo, however, made me want Kirk Douglas back. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride with her. First, I was sorry because she moved me in Welcome to the Rileys, but instead won her Oscar for simply overacting loudly enough to be noticed over the sea of overacting that is The Fighter. (And it was a predictable win, since this award always goes to whichever woman has the funniest lines and does the best Thelma Ritter impression, anyway.) Then I was irritated because, after the Kirk Douglas Ordeal, Melissa Leo apparently doesn't know what to say. Then irritation became full-blown exasperation that her acceptance speech was as arch and loud as her performance. Then she dropped the F-bomb and had her classless Sally Field moment, all in a dress that looked like it should've been covering a dining table in Alice in Wonderland. And now I just don't ever want to see her again.

Hailee Steinfeld's a cutie. Wouldn't it have been nicer if she'd won? Or been nominated in the category the lead in a movie would actually be nominated in? Just asking.

:: Kirk Douglas holding court and Melissa Leo being annoying was followed by Anne Hathaway's "it's the young and hip Oscars!" giggle fit. I wonder what she keeps dipping into? I picture her as the kind of gal who likes screwdrivers.

This whole show is just embarrassing for everyone involved, including the viewer.

Mila Kunis is a beautiful young woman. But...

...yeah, cocaine's a hell of a drug, isn't it, sweetie? She looks like she was just in the bathroom hitting off an 8-ball with someone. She and Timberlake were just kind of sweaty and awkward. "There's an app for that." Did someone find leftover jokes from the 2008 Oscars?

:: Best Animated Short: The Lost Thing. I sadly only managed to see two of the nominated shorts this year, and this wasn't one of them.

:: Best Animated Feature: Toy Sory 3. No one is surprised. I liked How to Train Your Dragon better. I also liked Despicable Me and Tangled better. Still, though I have yet to see The Illusionist (and I'm desperate to see it), I was really hoping Sylvain Chomet would take home an Oscar. That man is a master.

Two beautiful men in two ill-fitting suits. First, Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem come out and dance together, and the director cuts to a long, extended close-up of Penelope Cruz? I know, I know, she's married to Bardem, but it just felt like more Corporate Disney Homophobia to me. Bad enough we have to watch these two great-looking guys in suits that make them look so damn bad. I know they're going for a certain style of the 1920s to fit in with the usual kneeling oral homage to how the Oscars are the most important thing in the history of time, but come on, it's 2011, find these two suits that actually fit.

:: Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network. I think Aaron Sorkin deserved the win. When the announcer tells us this was his first nomination, I'm kind of surprised to realize he wasn't nominated back in '95 for The American President, which is a terrific movie. The music cuts him off. I despise when they start cutting people off--they did that with the Short Animation filmmakers, too--but he keeps going and, honestly, it's still not as embarrassing as Melissa Leo's epic in discomfort.

:: Best Original Screenplay: The King's Speech. I'm glad it wasn't Inception, a picture that can't even be bothered to follow the few parameters it bothers to set up for itself. I think The King's Speech is excellent; my favorite movie of the year, so I think the win is nice. And screenwriter David Seidler is fairly concise and gets in a good dig on Melissa Leo. (As did Sorkin, who was less concise.)

Anne Hathaway "hilariously" insults Hugh Jackman and James Franco "hilariously" walks out in a dress. Look, I like you two, but you're making it really hard to be able to say that tonight.

Dame Helen Mirren speaking French? Down, boy.

:: Foreign Language Film: I haven't seen any of them yet, so I'm not really interested beyond the fact that I predicted Biutiful and was incorrect.

:: Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale and what appears to be a fake beard made of pubes. Again, as predicted. In the major categories, this is the most predictable Oscars I've ever seen.

:: Having ABC execs come out and talk about how wonderful ABC is for broadcasting the greatest thing in the history of time and space at the Young, Hip Oscars is like college kids throwing a party and then, in the middle of it, someone's parents come out and beg for recognition for paying for the booze.

:: The Academy loves to pull out those Star Wars and E.T. themes... It was nice to get to hear some of the nominated music for a change (some years they gloss over it even more than they did last night), and the award goes to The Social Network, which had a fine score, but my favorite this year was Daft Punk's incredible Tron: Legacy score. Fantastic stuff.

ScarJo looks pretty, if a bit ratty, but she's never going to be sexy again in the way she was before Iron Man 2, when she was soft and blowsy. She lost all the weight, and it never comes back right. I know, this is all very shallow, I just don't care.

Also, now I know who Mila Kunis was snorting that coke with...

:: Best Sound Mixing: Inception. One of the winners talks FOREVER. It was almost more tedious than the actual movie. Are all of the people who worked on Inception hopeless boors? Now I know why Christopher Nolan's movies are getting worse and worse, and longer and longer. It's the reason why I'm not looking forward to The Dark Knight Rises (and its inevitable sequels, The Dark Knight Bakes at 350 Degrees and The Dark Knight Serves 5 to 8 People). I think about this as I fast-forward past the Best Sound Editing win for fear of having to hear anyone else from Inception ramble on even more incoherently than that damn screenplay.

:: Marisa Tomei was this year's Obligatory Hot Chick at the Nerd Awards. God forbid these guys shouldn't get to pick up their awards with everyone else. Or, in fact, even get their names heard on the show. Go fuck yourselves, I guess. Thanks for the work, but you're not pretty enough for TV.

Cate Blanchett is now an Oscar winner and has apparently stopped trying to look nice. A stunning woman in an uncharacteristically hideous gown. Her assertion that The Lord of the Rings took us to a world no one can imagine is probably as much of a surprise to the Tolkien family as it is out of place at tonight's Oscars. Who cares? The Academy really needs to stop jerking off to its own past. Keep the jerking off in the present, we'll get through this faster.

:: Best Makeup: the CGI from The Wolfman. Well, so far CGI has won for Art Direction, Cinematography, and Makeup. Interesting night. Still, I'm all for Rick Baker winning more Oscars, so whatever.

:: Best Costume Design: the ugly, dour, colorless CGI from Alice in Wonderland. CGI is tonight's big winner. Fuck, I never understand this category, anyway.

:: A movie song montage. So we get one montage, and it's terrible, and it ends with Barack Obama, who apparently had nothing more important to do that day. Is he just a celebrity now?

:: The first two Best Song performances had serious microphone issues. The singers were all buried in the mix. Don't they do a sound check for these things?

The performance of whatever song it was from Tangled also served as a preview for the upcoming Chuck episode "Chuck vs. the Icky Spray-On Orange Tan That Makes Him Look Even More Douchey Than His Interviews Do."

:: I'm not sure if I love Amy Adams anymore or not. When she came out to present an award, my first thought was "Ugh, she was so bad in The Fighter," and my second thought was "Ugh, Julie & Julia was so fucking bad." I fast-forward through the entire Best Documentary Short category. I never see them, anyway.

:: The auto-tune segment is a nightmare. It is such a naked bid for the attention of young viewers, and judging by what I saw on Tumblr, it worked--lots of people wanted a download of that Harry Potter mess. Yes, yes, the kids love auto-tune. They love a lot of stupid things.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiigh." (Not pictured: Anne Hathaway giggling and drinking and giggling and drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking. And giggling.)

:: Oh, Christ, Oprah, just shut up. I will never stop blaming America for making this woman a billionaire.

:: I'm just glad the Best Documentary Feature Oscar didn't go to Banksy. Fuck Banksy. An anonymous guy whose art statements are just defacing private property is pretty much the ultimate snotty hipster hero. You couldn't write better pretension. I got so sick of the last few weeks of "will he show up to accept or won't he?" and whether it would be in disguise or something. I'm sure much of that's the media, but they really painted a portrait of a guy who desperately wanted to sell out but didn't want to give up the gimmick that made his act so bankable in the first place. Seriously, fuck this guy.

:: Billy Crystal livened up a dull evening for a few minutes. Can't he just stay and host the rest of the show? Jesus, at this point I'll even take the ghost of Bob Hope, who pops up to introduce Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law. Ghoulish both literally and morally.

:: Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law, true to form, mistake bitchy for witty, showing off the forced homoerotic banter and general lack of charm that was only a small part of what made Sherlock Holmes such a trial to sit through.

:: Best Visual Effects: Inception, for wasting their only so-so effects in the trailer, making Tommy from 3rd Rock float, and making Leo DiCaprio look less puffy than usual. Well, not that last one, no one can do that anymore. The acceptance speech is further confirmation that everyone who worked on Inception is a dullard.

:: Film Editing: The Social Network. Which surprises me, because I thought it might be too edgy, even for the Young, Hip Oscars. But after that auto-tune fiasco, who knows anymore?

:: Not having to sit and watch Gwyneth Paltrow sing is the reason TiVo exists. Nice that Randy Newman won; he was one of the few people who was actually funny. Gracious, too. Even self-deprecating.

I found the death roll especially offensive this year, for a number of reasons:

1. If I get famous and die and show up on one of these, please don't let Celine Dion ruin one of my favorite songs, including gratuitous close-ups of this untalented bint, because hey, my death is all about a Celine Dion performance.

2. This year's editor couldn't even be arsed to make a decent montage; they can't throw up an insert shot of Superman when Tom Mankiewicz appears, or something? Jeez, why didn't they just put up a list of names this time around?

3. Apparently Lena Horne is the Most Important Dead Person of 2010, and everyone else is a runner-up. A special tribute to Lena Horne? On the one hand, we got to hear her sing "Stormy Weather" (they should've just played that over the montage, ended it on her, and left it at that--much classier), but on the other hand, we apparently need Halle Berry to put Lena in perspective for us. I get it; Halle Berry won an undeserved Oscar for a shitty movie that no one even remembers anymore, and that makes her Very Important. At least, she clearly thinks so. But seriously, get all of this out of my face.

:: Seriously, is Billy Crystal still in the building? You can stop him before he leaves, right?

Not to take away from Kathryn Bigelow's accomplishment as Only Female Best Director Ever (and announcing the winner among five men this year), but I've always wanted to ball her. Also, what a weird picture, because Best Director winner Tom Hooper (who gave a very nice speech) looks like Bigelow's ex-husband James Cameron shrunk in the wash.

:: Helena Bonham Carter always comes across like that creepy, often-drunk, overly-familiar woman down the street whose house your parents tell you to steer clear of. I find her off-putting. The kids on Tumblr adore her, and I can't figure out why.

:: Then we get the Governor's Award recaps: hey, Coppola, Brownlow, Wallach, Godard--thanks for all of the work, now go away. I'm waiting for the day when they cut out all of the technical awards, too, and do those at a separate ceremony so they can make this thing 90 minutes long. Then they'll simply read the names of the winners. Or they can walk over to where the winner is sitting, dump the Oscar in their lap, and say "Here you go, nice work, now fuck off."

The Dude is one of the more sober people we've been exposed to this evening. I don't know about you, but I don't consider it a good compromise to reduce the gooey, pretentious, unnecessary tongue-bathing of the nominees from five presenters to just one. It's still embarrassing and stupid. They got nominated, isn't that enough? Kevin Brownlow doesn't get to say thank you because we need this instead? I'm getting diabetes just listening to it.

Natalie Portman deserved the win. She's not an actress I'm fond of, but she really deserved the win. Her performance was excellent. (You can see her up there, next to the Dude, caught in the headlights.) She gave the best Best Actress acceptance speech in a decade, because she didn't ramble on about how important art and filmmaking are (Nicole Kidman), try to place her award in the larger context of social history (Halle Berry), or about how the Academy was doing God's work for making this the crowning glory in the life of an over-privileged person who pretends to be humble and fails miserably at it (Julia Roberts). She played make-believe more popularly than anyone else this year.

And it's an even bigger surprise that none of those things happen because this is Natalie fucking Portman. She says some of the dumbest things any human being can ever say. The one who said that, because she has to deal with paparazzi, she knows what being black feels like. She is a moron, and she managed to not be as self-important as any interview shows that she is. And she would've gotten away with it, because everyone would have chalked it up to hormones and being pregnant. Well played, Natalie Portman. I salute you.

:: I fast-forwarded through Sandra Bullock verbally stroking off the Best Actor nominees. It's the worst, most self-involved, most over-congratulatory aspect of the show. Plus, I've had it with Sandra Bullock.

Best Actor: Colin Firth. He deserves it. Having finally seen A Single Man, a film that I felt was flawed, I think he deserved it last year, too. He's been a favorite actor of mine for almost two decades now, and it's nice to see him win an Oscar. Also, if Robert Downey Jr is still in the building, this is an example of being witty instead of bitchy.

:: Steven Spielberg manages to completely diminish winning the Best Picture Oscar; is he still pissy about Saving Private Ryan? Dude, it didn't deserve to win anymore than Shakespeare in Love did. The winner is The King's Speech, which I also felt was the Best Picture, although it really doesn't matter what wins, according to the director of AI, the worst film of the 2000s...

:: I usually make it a point to see all of the Best Picture nominees, but I still haven't seen The Kids Are Alright or Winter's Bone, and based on the clips I saw all night, I don't really want to.

:: And the whole thing ends, for some reason, with an elementary school recital made even more embarrassing by Anne Hathaway's drunken woos and yeahs. Someone put her to bed now, because she's going to be nursing one wicked headache in the morning.

That was a brutal, brutal Oscars. Young? Hip? Only if those are euphemisms for meh. But on the bright side, at least we didn't have to sit through Ben Stiller trying to be funny for a change.

Also: Tallulah Morehead's Oscar Recap.

Kristen Bell Mondays

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Song of the Week: "What in the World"

Was it really 2009 the last time I had Bowie up here? That's just not right. Here's something from his great 1977 album Low. (That's Iggy Pop back there on back-up vox, too.)

The Meme-tecs

Again, via Tumblr.

Back in the Day: 5 TV Shows You Loved As A Kid

* The Muppet Show
* G.I. Joe
* DuckTales
* The Monkees
* Batman

Who Would You Do?: 5 TV Characters You Would…Well, It’s Self-Explanatory

* Veronica Mars
* Kate Beckett (Castle)
* Cordelia Chase (Angel)
* Bernadette (The Big Bang Theory)
* Crixus (Spartacus)

Wow: 5 TV Moments You Still Remember (And Probably Won’t Forget)

* Lost, "Walkabout": The reveal that John Locke used to be in a wheelchair, demanding impotently "Don't tell me what I can't do!"

* Doctor Who, "The Stolen Earth": The reaction of the characters when they're contacted by invading aliens, and it's the Daleks' "Exterminate! Exterminate!" Especially Captain Jack's sincere and resigned "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do. We're dead."

* Star Trek, "Amok Time": Spock's overjoyed response that Captain Kirk is still alive.

* Quantum Leap, "The Leap Back": When Sam, leaping into himself as a teenager, sings John Lennon's "Imagine" to his little sister, and she cries, realizing that if he knows a song she's never heard, his dire warnings of their brother's approaching death may be real.

* Farscape, "Premiere": John Crichton to Aeryn Sun: "You can be more."

“Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs”: 5 TV Theme Songs You Know (and Love) By Heart

Should I just pick themes with words?

* The Greatest American Hero
* Good Times
* WKRP in Cincinnati
* The Dukes of Hazzard
* Perfect Strangers (awesomely cheesy song, terribly cheesy show)

Eh: 5 Shows You Just Can’t Get Into

* House
* Mad Men
* Glee
* Smallville
* Law & Order anything

The Starting Line-Up: 5 Channels You Go To First When You Sit Down to Watch TV

* TiVo
* Local channels (I consume too much daytime TV)

This Is An Environment of Welcoming, and You Should Just Get the Hell Out Of Here: 5 TV Characters You Could Do Without

* Kate Austen (Lost)
* Howard Wollowitz (The Big Bang Theory)
* Katherine Mayfair (Desperate Housewives)
* About half the characters on The Office these days, but especially Andy Bernard
* Anyone Kristen Wiig plays on Saturday Night Live

That’s What She Said: 5 Quotes That Still Resonate

* "But the worst thing about prison was the Dementors flying around." (Michael as Prison Mike, The Office)
* "Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want." (Spock, Star Trek)
* "Don't feel bad; it's not you, it's me. I don't like you." (Aeryn, Farscape)
* "Life's a bitch until you die." (Veronica, Veronica Mars)
* About a million Simpsons lines

Gimme More: 5 Shows You Can Never Get Enough Of

* The Muppet Show
* Farscape
* Veronica Mars
* How I Met Your Mother
* Doctor Who

While Playing Trivial Pursuit

ME: "What is the usual color of basketballs?" That's a serious question? I know this is the Easy-Medium-Difficult Edition or whatever it's called, but that's such a lame question we might as well be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

BECCA: Well, I don't know... it's, like, pinkish... what's the color called? Is it a red or is it a pink?

ME: ... Wut?

BECCA: I'm an artist, I need to know the name. Wait, they're kind of brown, aren't they? Is it brown?

ME: ...

BECCA: Is it brown? It's brown. They're kind of brown.

ME: ...

BECCA: Am I wrong?

ME: ... Orange. Basketballs are orange. Is this real life?

BECCA: Basketballs are not orange.

ME: Then what they fuck are they? The sky is blue, grass is green, basketballs are orange.

BECCA: Okay, I had basketballs growing up, because I liked to play it, and the balls I had were not orange.

ME: Then they weren't regulation. Kickballs are red. Dodgeballs are red. Did you get hit with a lot of those in gym class, where apparently you never played basketball?

BECCA: They're not orange!

ME: I can't believe we're really discussing what color basketballs are.

BECCA: Well, obviously it's your turn.

ME: Alright. [rolls dice, lands on an arts question]

BECCA: "What is the full title of the first novel in the Harry Potter series?"

ME: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Or, I guess, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

BECCA: It says Philosopher's Stone on the card.

ME: Well, actually, both are acceptable.

BECCA: Hey, you don't make the rules of Trivial Pursuit.

ME: Oh, you didn't know? The smartest person in the room makes the rules. And since we just proved who that was by having a conversation on what color basketballs really are...

BECCA: Don't put this conversation online!