Saturday, July 23, 2011

Recent Trailers in the Order I Most Hated Them

9. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Every single narrative point, in narrative order. An unnecessary remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, but without the benefits of Ricardo Montalban or Roddy McDowall. I would've called to complain about it earlier, but James Franco was tying up the line so he could phone in his performance. Decent-looking effects, which is why it didn't annoy me as much as some others.

8. The Thing
So, we make the exact same movie, almost shot-for-shot, but put a chick in it and call it a prequel. Profit!

7. Cowboys & Aliens
Kind of a cute concept, but the trailer is long and pompous and somehow when you put Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde together, they have even less charisma combined than they do individually. Boring actors in a boring flick.

6. Real Steel
What almost looks like an interesting premise is destroyed by a long trailer that's just Hugh Jackman and his kid crying. You just know this is one of those Spielbergian daddy issue cry-fests that's going to be an hour longer than it needs to be.

5. Hugo
I'm so disappointed in Martin Scorsese for making this, to be honest. Everything about this is obvious and lame, from the delicate kidlit tone too many movies go for, to the twee kids themselves, to Sacha Baron Cohen's unfortunate Roberto Benigni-ing all over the place. I hate it when men in their sixties make these damn things; through apparently no fault of their own, they seem to think kids are stupid.

4. Happy Feet 2
Everything I despised about the first movie, plus more wackiness. Gave me the runs.

3. Arthur Christmas
Stop it, stop it, stop making these things. I'm so sick of high-tech Santa Claus crap.

2. The Smurfs
The mere existence of this thing just makes me want to find the Earth equivalent of that planet-controlling switch they had on Mongo in the Flash Gordon serials and just turn the entirety of humanity off.

1. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
This trailer has everything--bad accents, action, bullet time, martial arts, thuddingly obvious gay jokes--except any evidence that there's an actual mystery. But I guess a mystery isn't the key element of a Sherlock Holmes story, right? *sigh* Looks like the same boring previous movie, but much more smug and full of itself. Pass forever.

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