Oscars 2010

Just some observations I jotted down. And yes, many are long-winded.

:: Wow, Matthew Broderick's getting gray. He always looks so... beaten down.

:: Cameron Diaz looks beautiful since she gained some weight.

Poor Miley looks pretty, but she also looks like she can't breathe in that thing.

My God, Jeff Bridges looks good. I hope I look that good when I'm in my late fifties. Shit, I wish I looked that good now. He seems so gracious and so damn laid-back, like he's just here to have fun. I love that. He's just so cool, and not in that "I don't give a shit" way, but in that "I'm a regular fella taking life as it comes" way.

:: Kate Winslet and I are only a year apart in age. And yet she looks so sophisticated and mature, and I still feel like a teenager with no direction.

Meryl Streep's look in one word: "fuckable." Yes, I said it.

Boy, this circle jerk sure got into high gear right away. First a giant masturbation fest in which, I guess, we're just supposed to gaze into the glorious light of the 10 major acting nominees, and then a cheesy, awkward musical number in which Neil Patrick Harris (dude, you're better than this) sings a lame song that, I guess, is just supposed to justify having two hosts instead of one. I hate this bullshit already; Hollywood is so convinced that the acting awards are the most important things in the world. I don't know why they don't just go the whole nine yards and televise just the awards for actors, Best Director, and Best Picture. That's absolutely all they want to focus on. There's no respect for anyone who isn't in these categories beyond the bare minimum.

:: By the way, NPH's musical opener and the entrance of the hosts make this thing look like the 1989 Oscars. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

:: Wow, only 6 minutes in and we're already at jokes about how many nominations Meryl Streep has had? This is the lead-in material? What's next, clips of Bob Hope talking about how he never gets nominated?

:: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin aren't exactly a great comedy team, are they? They're lobbing softballs, and they're taking forever to do it. Still, it's hard to get laughs from a room full of people who take themselves so seriously. At least they understand that. Safe, but boring to watch. (Although I do dig this repeated Baldwin/Clooney death glare. Cracks me up.)

:: James Cameron, please, just cut your fucking hair.

:: I could listen to Penelope Cruz talk all night long. Say something sexual in Spanish. For an hour. Por favor...

Christoph Waltz! Okay, no one's surprised, but I think his performance was the best given by anyone in any movie in 2009. And his speech is so gracious. It was a nice moment.

:: Ryan Reynolds is laying it on pretty damn thick. Seriously, you're introducing The Blind Side, not a Martin Luther King Jr memorial tribute. Dial it down.

:: This could all be called "The Stars of TV's Most Recognizable Shows Host the Oscars."

:: I always despise it when they do some "cute" bit with the Animated Feature Oscar. It's never funny. At all. Stop doing it.

:: I liked Up, but I did think The Princess and the Frog was better. But The Secret of Kells was the best animation of the year. Still, I'm always pleased when Pixar wins.

:: I thought Miley was cute, admitting she was nervous instead of just fucking up repeatedly. I'm sure a ton of people saw that as a sign of how awful and trailer trash-y she supposedly is, but I like the way she handles herself. I'm a fan. That said, why is she presenting an Oscar? Actually, no, she was nominated in this category last year, so I'm sorry to bring that up.

:: Chris Pine doesn't spread as much bullshit around as the guy from 2 Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place did. Thanks for small favors.

:: Becca asks me why, in her words, there are "no real actors" presenting. I agree that it makes the Academy look desperate having only people from hit TV shows and big summer movies presenting. Is the obsession with youth really going to save their ratings? (Did they? I haven't looked because, let's face it, I don't care.)

:: Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey are funnier together than Steve and Alec.

:: I'm getting a little irritated with the speeches being so hurried. This isn't brisk pacing, it's just rushed and lacking in the grave import the Academy used to think these things are supposed to have. I don't know why they don't just tape this, honestly.

I still want to ball Molly Ringwald... Sorry, but that's all I'm thinking during the John Hughes tribute, which seems out of place. Seriously, I'm sorry he died, but this just seems like yet another excuse for the Oscars to trot out another large group of actors, something they seem bizarrely obsessed with every year. Why the tongue-bath for Hughes' memory? Why is he the most important person who died in the last year? Because teenagers may be watching the show?

Meanwhile, they don't televise Roger Corman's award...

:: Didn't they hammer into us the incredible importance of short films last year? Is this an annual thing now? Hollywood is overflowing with self-adulation for even existing and bothering to wake up in the morning to fulfill our sad little flyover state lives and give us all meaning. They're so brimming with love that they must need rubber pants so they don't walk around with uncleanable cumstains. No wonder wannabe starlets are always getting into car accidents; the streets of LA must be slick with it.

Of the shorts, I figured Logorama would win. I called Music by Prudence before it was announced just from seeing the clip. ("Black people? Poor black people? Poor, SINGING black people? Now that's just uplifting sight unseen, because I use stereotypes for shorthand!")

This crazy woman who leaps onstage makes the whole thing uncomfortable, and the acceptance speeches are already so uncomfortable because they're a race against time. The poor guy who made Music by Prudence doesn't even get to finish his speech because of this person and because of the timer. Yeah, I guess short films are incredibly important so long as their makers don't speak for over 30 seconds.

This is unfair, for people to be cut off. How many opportunities is this guy going to get to accept an Oscar? This may be his only moment, let him have it. Let them all have it. God knows we've all seen Ben Stiller flop sweating at the Oscars with an overlong, self-indulgent, awkwardly unfunny attempt at his weirdly hostile style of comedy enough years in a row. Quit cutting people off and cut out some of the shitty attempts at comedy.

And let's just look at this spectacle for a moment. This is why I tend to not like Ben Stiller. I hate it when comedians go for the "unfunny" joke, as in "Oh, this bit is so stupid, I'm so sorry, look how dumb it is, I'm with you on your hatred of this, but distancing myself from it still makes me funny, right?" Mike Myers is particularly bad about this kind of joke, and Stiller is no slouch, either. It's a way of getting to make a half-assed, unfunny joke without owning it, because you're too cool to just try harder to be funny. It's like people who leave those whiny or trollish comments on your blog and then, when called on their bullshit, claim they weren't serious or were just "being ironic," when really they're embarrassed over having a fit. Yeah, Stiller, it's unfunny, and no one thought of anything funnier. Deal with it or don't do it at all.

:: Rachel McAdams just has zero personality or charisma. It's always like someone spilled Wite-Out on the screen whenever I see her in anything.

:: Geoffrey Fletcher accepting his Oscar for writing Precious feels awkward, but only because he's overcome with emotion and the speeches are being so rushed that the tension is palpable. Is there a bomb in the theater, or something? I mean, a bomb besides Ben Stiller's "comedy."

:: Clips for the Governor's Awards make me wish I was watching that show. Seems so much more laid back. And trotting out the winners for a brief stand and a round of applause is trite and disrespectful.

:: Always with the gum-smacking, eh, Cameron Diaz? Why do they keep trotting her out?

Finally, Sigourney Weaver seriously ups the night's beauty quotient. What a lovely woman. She gives out the Art Direction Oscar to Avatar, which wins for, I guess, Best Replication of the Far-Too-Many-Hours of Anime James Cameron Has Watched. Or maybe it was for Best Elicitation of "Oh My God, I Can't Believe James Cameron Still Can't Get Over That Blue Lighting; What Is This, a Hong Kong Movie from 1986?"

The guy who says to Cameron "This Oscar sees you" makes me wish I could throw objects through my screen.

:: The horror movie tribute... Okay, first of all, the stars of Twilight? Not a horror movie. Edward Scissorhands? Beetlejuice? Not horror movies. And how odd to see a tribute to a genre the Academy almost seems to pride itself on never honoring.

:: What is with all of the kiddie table stuff tonight? Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, half the cast of Twilight... I feel like I'm watching, what? Academy Awards Jr.? Oscar Babies? Did Lorne Michaels produce the show? Last year's Oscars were more fun, and most of the nominees then were shit.

(I will admit this is tempered by the fact that there are a number of things I want to do to Zac Efron which are racing through my head.)

Dude, Kathryn Bigelow is hot. As in hawt. Like, Teh Hawtness. I want to put her on a cracker and eat it. I want to bam-bam this Bigelow. I... will move on.

:: Elizabeth Banks is horrible introducing the fact that the science & tech awards happened. Ha ha, they're all nerds, blah blah. Meanwhile, Avatar is the biggest movie of the year, so... you know, maybe you should be nicer to the nerds. Banks blows through it too quickly and makes it seem oddly hostile. Jennifer Garner did it so much better; so did ScarJo and Jessica Biel. Next year, when it's time to decide who the hot chick is to send to the "Nerd Oscars," send Kristen Bell. She's cute and highly geek-friendly.

:: Me: "Boy, the older broads are really pulling out the hotness tonight." Becca: "Uh... that's a... compliment?"

:: Sandra Bullock, too, messes up her bit presenting Best Cinematography. I blame bad writing here; wrong approach, makes her look arrogant. Should've gone the route of being grateful.

And Avatar for the win? Since when does shooting a green screen with composite shots of a rain forest constitute cinematography?

:: The death roll, once again, badly timed. Don't do the big pull-in shot, just go right to the tape roll. Once again, we miss people because of bad direction. James Taylor's performance is nice, though.

:: I'm torn on the Best Score ballet. I don't like the dancing, but on the other hand, it's nice to hear some of the music performed. Particularly Michael Giacchino's beautiful score for Up, which wins, so that's nice. Giacchino has proven himself very quickly to be a major composer in the world of film music.

:: I don't get the whole Bradley Cooper thing. What's the appeal?

:: Ha ha ha, writers are geeky virgins, I get it, shut the fuck up.

I'm glad The Cove won for Best Documentary. I think it's something more people need to see. I think Food, Inc. is, too. When Ric O'Barry held up his sign, you could almost hear the technical director scream "Oh, God, cut away! Someone's taking a principled stand!"

:: Tyler Perry starring in Tyler Perry's Awkwardly Rushed and Unfunny Presentation of the Oscar for Best Film Editing.

:: Hey, shout out to Sam Raimi!

:: Rushing the show to stampede towards the outcome has just sucked any personality out of this show. It makes it bland and easier than ever to ignore. Why am I supposed to care, guys? You've watered it down so much there's no flavor. Just keep terrorizing those speeches, and soon the awards will be as meaningless on TV as they are in real life.

:: Kathy Bates forgot to mention that Avatar is also three hours of aggressive mediocrity and intense boredom.

:: Oh, Christ, are they doing this shit again where other actors have to come up and suck off the nominees? Jesus, I thought they wanted to speed this shit up. They will marginalize everyone who isn't an actor, claiming they want the show to have a brisker pace, but when it comes to the actors, everything comes to a halt in order to overpraise these people. The nomination's not enough anymore? Fuck, this is an uncomfortable, overlong, and disgusting display. It's like walking in on someone masturbating and not being able to just walk out of the room.

In Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock, I don't feel like anyone undeserving won. And their speeches are nice and personal without being embarrassing, unlike a number of other winners this decade. Bridges is warm and thankful, and Bullock is funny and gracious. I'm impressed and pleased.

Bullock, in particular, says something memorable: "There’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color--nothing--no sexual orientation, that makes us better than anyone else. We’re all deserving of love." I like that. I'm glad she said it without doing the "I'm St. Julia Roberts and I'm Going to Tell You How to Feel" act.

Oh, and notice how these two don't get cut off. Just saying. Not that I want them to be. I don't want anyone to get cut off.

Okay, in Kathryn Bigelow as Best Director, Oscar has made the right choice. I really think she deserved it. But holy crap, Tumblr exploded with rage last night when this was announced. No shit, I saw comments like "They picked THE WOMAN?! Over James Fucking Cameron! How dare they?" That was really creepy.

Also, playing her off to "I Am Woman" was utterly belittling. It was like the Academy was saying "Look, a woman director, how cute." Puke.

I think The Hurt Locker was also the right choice for Best Picture. It was refreshing to see something smart, thoughtful, and with something to say win this award for once, especially after being told repeatedly that the simplistic Avatar was a foregone conclusion. And bless you, Tom Hanks, for simply announcing it. We're all tired by this point, right?

Some other Oscar commentaries for ya:
The LAMB Live-Blog
MightyGodKing on Twitter
Mark Evanier
Jaquandor
Tallulah Morehead
Alan Sepinwall
Ken Levine
Roger Ebert