The Health Report, Year 3: Week 17

Being insured feels good. Having the proper medication feels good. Working all day feels good. Spring feels good. I may be poor, broke, overweight, in bad health, and underemployed, but today feels good.

The Cheerleader Has Bigger Balls Than I Do

I admit it. Say what you want about Hayden Panettiere, but I'd never let a shark get that close to me. That's one tuff chick.

Geek Credentials

Jaquandor did this meme, and there was no way I could resist it. You just put an X next to the items which describe you. So here we go.

(X) You spent a day watching all of the Lord of the Rings/Star Wars/Star Trek movies. -- Yes, I still do this occasionally. In fact, since we bought the big screen TV, we've decided we have to do this again. We did do a day watching all six Star Wars movies--the day I really became a fan again--and plan to do it with Lord of the Rings and several other films series. We've also done it with Back to the Future and Indiana Jones.

( ) You spent next two days after watching commentary, outtakes, and behind the scenes footage.

(X) And you bought the soundtrack. -- I have the soundtracks to a LOT of fantasy and science fiction movies.

(X) You went to a midnight release of a movie. -- Not a new movie, though, so does this still count? I have been to a lot of midnight showings of cult movies, though. That was how I saw Bubba Ho-tep the first time.

( ) You camped in front of the theater for more than 12 hours to get tickets. -- I've never stood in line longer than 90 minutes for tickets, but I did do that for all three Star Wars prequels and all three LOTR movies.

( ) Camping did not prevent you from being in costume.

(X) You can have an entire conversation with friends consisting of quotes from your favorite movies.

( ) You own at least three game systems. -- Thanks to Becca, yes. I still have my Atari 2600 and my original Nintendo Entertainment System. Every time I think I can't play video games anymore (because of how easily I'm frustrated by stupid things), Becca comes home with a Nintendo 64 or a Playstation 2. Also, Becca still has her old Sega Genesis.

( ) You have lost weight because you forgot to eat while trying to reach the next level in your game. -- Lost?

( ) You own more than four game controllers (of any kind). -- Not for any one system.

( ) You have existed on 3 hours of sleep per night so that your "Sims" get 8 hours and are refreshed for work.

( ) You upgraded your computer because you wanted to buy a new video game/expansion pack.

( ) You have dressed as your game avatar, or as a npc in that game.

( ) You achieved level 60 on World of Warcraft.

(X) You have played "Dungeons and Dragons" or any other RPG. -- Those were fun times.

(X) You know what "RPG" stands for.

( ) You dressed as your RPG character would dress.

( ) You own dice with more than six sides.

( ) You have been accused of having a "gamer" scent. -- No, but I've done my share of gamer-bashing at cons. (One of my favorite lines ever, via Paul T. Riddell, who once discovered a petting zoo at, I think, Armadillocon: "Oh, look, they brought animals for the gamers.") I remember Carl and I getting some dirty looks while waiting in a line at WizardWorld and passing the gamer tables; we said, simultaneously, "You sunk my battleship!" Pissed off gamers.

( ) You can identify a Black Lotus.

(X) You can identify a Charizard. -- And I can admit that he's my second-favorite Pokemon (after Bulbasaur).

( ) You have bought any of the "Harry Potter" books after standing in line until midnight. -- Luckily, Becca works at a bookstore, so I never had to.

( ) You waited to get your "Harry Potter" book in costume, quoting favorite lines.

(X) You have attended any function with "con" in the name. -- It's a sure way to get me somewhere.

( ) You stood in line at said "con" for more than 4 hours to have an item signed.

( ) You spent more than $50 on a costume to wear to "con" because you wanted it to be authentic.

(X) You own more than 50 comics.

(X) You collect your comics in longboxes.

(X) You know what a "longbox" is.

(X) You've met and had your comics signed by the creator(s).

(X) You know how many "Robins" there are. -- I think.

(X) You know that the portrayal of Rogue in the movie "X-Men" is completely wrong. -- I don't like the word "wrong," but it is different. I liked Rogue in the movie, though. I knew way too many fanboys who just seemed to think Rogue was their imaginary girlfriend.

(X) You have chatted online more than in person.

(X) You chatted online enough to learn the time zones.

( ) You think that when the Mythbusters say "Don't try this at home," they really don't mean YOU.

( ) Have participated in a movie/tv marathon that involved a drinking game.

( ) Can sing along with the Buffy Musical Episode.

(X) You know Seth Green from more than just the "Austin Powers" movies.

(X) You can name all 8 Kevin Smith-directed movies without referring to IMdb. -- And I liked Jersey Girl, too.

(X) You have participated in a "Clerks"-esque discussion about Star Wars (or any other movie).

(X) You have participated in a Kirk vs Picard discussion.

(X) You have participated in a Star Wars vs Star Trek discussion.

(X) You have participated in a Babylon 5 vs. Star Trek:DS9 discussion

(X) You know who jms is.

( ) You have ever corrected anyone who called you a Trekkie. -- I don't care either way, "Trekkie" or "Trekker."

(X) You have worn a Star Fleet Uniform. -- One year when I was in elementary school I went as Mr. Spock for Halloween. I did the TV show uniform, so it was really just black pants and a thin sweatshirt.

( ) You own a Star Fleet Uniform.

(X) You think "Twilight" is lame because everyone knows that vampires burst into flame in the sunlight. -- Well, I do think Twilight is lame, but it's mostly because of the vamptard fans.

( ) You have written fanfic.

( ) You have watched Bizzare Foods and thought "I'd try that."

( ) You can pinpoint the moment at which "Lost" jumped the shark. -- That show has so many other problems, frankly.

(X) You know who Stan Lee is.

(X) You know who Jack Kirby is.

(X) You know who Geoff Johns is.

( ) You have built a website.

(X) You have started a blog.

(X) You maintained a blog for over a year.

( ) You know what the Genie SFRT is.

( ) You have a Twitter account.

( ) You have over 500 followers on Twitter.

( ) You purchased a smartphone just so you could check Twitter on the road.

( ) You forget your family members' birthdays because they aren't your friends on Facebook. -- No, I forget my family members' birthdays because I'm a selfish dick.

( ) You have given virtual gifts on Facebook.

( ) You have Superpoked your boss on Facebook.

( ) You have gotten a date through Facebook (and we're not talking dinner and movie with your buddies).

( ) You have broken up with someone/been broken up with through Facebook. -- This doesn't make me feel like I'm missing anything on Facebook.

( ) You've reached level 30 or higher in Mafia Wars.

(X) You know what Mafia Wars is.

( ) You participated in more than three social networks.

(X) You've spent more than 200 hours playing the same video game. -- Sometimes I forgot to go to classes because I was on the computer plating Civilization III.

(X) You've seen any movie in the theater more than three times.

(X) You can name the episode of MST3K where Joel was replaced by Mike. -- One of my favorite episodes ever: Mitchell. Baby oil!

(X) You've argued why the comic is way superior to the show/movie when discussing "The Tick," "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," "X-Men," "Fantastic Four," "Spider-Man," etc. -- Especially TMNT, when you mention it.

( ) You have the soundtrack for "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" on your MP3 player.

(X) You are willing to defend the Star Wars prequels. -- And have.

( ) You openly disparage the Star Wars prequels because they don't live up to "Empire."

( ) You're openly concerned about the time line ramifications that J.J. Abram's "Star Trek" movie presents to the canon. -- I wouldn't say concerned so much as disappointed that Abrams didn't have the spine to just straight up remake Star Trek.

(X) You own anything written by Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore or H.P. Lovecraft. -- Many by all three.

( ) You have a flying spaghetti monster on your car.

(X) You've seen a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show with live actors in front of the screen. -- Yes, when I was 16. My cousin who took me was really weirded out. Somehow, she'd never heard of what Rocky entailed. I wanted to come back to the same theater (Billy Joe's Pitcher Show in Des Moines, IA) the next week to see Heavy Metal for the first time, but she didn't want to go through the same thing again.

(X) You know the REAL reason Spider-Man had a black costume.

( ) You know the NCC numbers of at least two starships other than the Enterprise. -- I used to, but now I can't recall them. I used to at least know the Excelsior.

(X) You know what "NCC" stands for. -- Is it still Naval Construction Contract?

( ) You own an original Star Trek Concordance, Technical Manual, and Blueprints. -- Used to have the Concordance.

( ) You own at least two medieval weapons.

(X) You have participated in battles with foam-covered swords. -- Still do, occasionally. Hey, they're only a buck at Le Mart du Wal.

(X) You know who "Major Matt Mason" is. -- But only because of the recent film announcement.

(X) You have seen bootleg copies of the original Fantastic Four and Justice League movies. -- Yes, and I have a really shitty tape of the Corman FF. And, honestly, I don't think it's that bad. It's certainly better than the crappy movie with Jessica Alba.

( ) After having had children you realize there's now more people to costume and relish it.

( ) You've managed to turn four days at Euroquest* into nearly eight because, who needs sleep?

( ) You've spent more than $1000 on your "spot-on" costume. (and it's still not quite right...)

( ) You've made a fan film.

( ) Your fan film has been seen by more than your immediate family.

(X) People know you by your online name instead of your mundane name.

( ) You know what Pennsic is.

( ) You've camped at Pennsic.

( ) You have/had personalized plates on your car proudly proclaiming your fandom. -- No, but I always thought about getting one that said "Red 5."

( ) Your spouse and/or friends do as well.

( ) You yell at your kids when they try to open a toy/book/comic/figure etc. that you're collecting. -- Does it count if it's younger cousins?

( ) Your kids have broken your Hallmark collectible Star Trek/Star Wars, etc. ornament. -- I don't have to worry about it since I don't have kids. But I do have Star Trek, Star Wars, and DC Superheroes ornaments.

( ) You've traveled more than 500 miles to attend a con.

( ) You have a tattoo related to your fandom of choice.

( ) You met your spouse at a fan-related event or con.

( ) You got engaged (to be married!) at a sci-fi convention.

( ) You are publicly willing to defend Dollhouse, because Joss Whedon must be trusted.

Happy Birthday

...to one of my adopted actors, Billy Dee Williams.

Consideration

ME: I had so much fun doing my The Bible Summarized by a Smartass series on my blog. You know, even though I was reading the bible.

BECCA: Right.

ME: I'm thinking of something else to serially summarize. Something as popular as the bible, but with as disproportionately large an amount of overly-vocal nutjobs. What do you think of Twilight Summarized by a Smartass?

BECCA: Well, sure, if you can get over hating yourself for reading Twilight.

ME: Good point.

Kristen Bell Mondays

Song of the Week: "5D (Fifth Dimension)"

My favorite track by the Byrds, the title and lead-in for their third album, Fifth Dimension. It is very much a Roger McGuinn song. It's not the modal show stopping masterpiece "Eight Miles High" is, but it's just so pretty and uncertain that I love it. 1966 is such an interesting year in music, with bands like the Byrds, the Beach Boys, the Beatles, and the Zombies branching off in search of new directions in rock music. This is the kind of music I never, ever get tired of.

Sunday Hottie 218

ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO

Contingency Planning

ME: I just really dig Jason Segel. I think he's great. I know my wife would leave me for him in a second, but I think he's awesome.

MOM: Oh, she wouldn't leave you.

ME: Oh, sure she would. She'd leave me for Jason Segel as quickly as I'd leave her for Kristen Bell.

MOM: So in case either of them knocks on the door, at least you've worked it out.

ME: Well, that's why you have these conversations in the first place, isn't it?

Saturday Playlist

1. Demi Lovato: Behind Enemy Lines
2. Wham!: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
3. Jethro Tull: It’s Breaking Me Up
4. The Beatles: With a Little Help from My Friends
5. Brandywine Bridge: Congreve’s Rockets
6. Smith: Let’s Get Together
7. Van Morrison: And It Stoned Me
8. Scarlett Johansson: Summertime
9. Todd Rundgren: Breathless
10. Gene Clark: Tears of Rage

I kind of hoped this week's would be a little rockier, but what the iTunes shuffle picks, it picks for me.

1. I really like this girl. Say whatever you want, but she's got a voice.
2. Nothing makes me feel good like 80s music. I hadn't heard this in a while; it's better than I remember it. It's just a fun damn song.
3. Suddenly, prog-folk happens. It's pretty good, actually. Despite the snow in the forecast for tomorrow, it's very springy today. Why not some flute, electric guitar and reverb to go with it?
4. I'd say it's one of my favorite Beatles songs, but so are most Beatles songs.
5. Folk group from (I think) the 1960s. I can't find out much about them, but they've got one hell of a pretty album in the best English folk tradition.
6. Smith is an interesting group, too. From the 60s, fairly psychedelic. This Youngbloods cover takes its time; it sounds a lot like the version by the band H.P. Lovecraft.
7. Another very pretty song. This thing got all folky. Pretty cool.
8. I've heard her album, so I can confidently say this is the only good Scarlett Johansson recording to date. I wish her album had been close to this good. She should do a jazz standards album.
9. From the classic Something/Anything? One of my all-time favorite albums.
10. One of the many covers of Dylan's song, this one from a former Byrd. Gene Clark had the best solo albums of anyone who was in the Byrds. Even better than Gram Parsons, in my opinion.

Linkstopper

Take a look at some links.

Cobra Commander unmasked at last! (Adventures in Nerdliness)

* A superhero connection that makes sense. (Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog)

* More by the 10’s! Strange Adventures (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), Sensation Comics, Star-Spangled Comics, and Gold Key's original Turok, Son of Stone.

* One of the great comic book artists, Gray Morrow. (Bronze Age of Blogs)

* Jaquandor has a couple of neat posts up about his love for Bull Durham and To Kill a Mockingbird. (Byzantium’s Shores)

* An interesting blog I’ve been reading is Booksteve’s You’re Only as Good as Your Last Picture. He looks at the final films of Hollywood stars. A couple I enjoyed: Errol Flynn in Cuban Rebel Girls and John Wayne in The Shootist.

* How to Write a Romantic Movie (Ken Levine, spot on and hilarious.)

Some great posts for those interested in Disney history: 2719 Hyperion has animator caricatures from Ferdinand the Bull and some comment on the myth that Walt Disney was going to make The Lord of the Rings; Michael Barrier unearthed the first ever Disney Annual Report; Vintage Disney Collectibles talks about the life of Disney secretary Carolyn Kay Shafer; and Michael Sporn has more of the above excellent animated drawings of the Seven Dwarfs by Bill Tytla.

* JA has some very interesting thoughts on the Friday the 13th remake. Not having seen it (or any of the old ones save the first two and, for some reason, Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason), I’m not sure how I feel about the series as a whole, but his review of the new version confirms a lot of my suspicions. Those suspicions are based on the same director’s ugly, brutal, pointless, stupid, awful, shitty remake of the horror classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but it still seems I was on the right track. (Boy, I've been holding on to this link for a long time, but it's a very interesting read.)

* Distributorcap has a neat post about TV censorship in the 60s.

* “Cocoa Krispies has had many spokes-characters over the years. I am not sure, but it may be have one of the highest mascot count changes in cereal history, with a total of 9 changes. I put together a list of these mascot with the years they were given the official job.” (The Retroist, with lots of neat pictures and commercials.)

* Becca's great drawings of Sally Jupiter. (No Smoking in the Skullcave)

* Beautiful nude paintings by Li Juang Ping here and here. (Your Life)

* Celebrities and Famous Historical Figures Re-Created in LEGO (Robot Nine) The pictures are pretty neat, but skip the post commentary.

* Excellent superhero Slurpee cups. (Random Acts of Geekery)

* No question about it: Joe Hisaishi is a god. Some of the best film music you'll ever hear. (Valley Dreamin')

* Saskatoon. Genius. (By Ken Levine)

I have to admit, I'm kinda sorry I missed Bo Derek trading cards. See the complete set at retroCRUSH.

* “What's interesting is that even though there are approximately 1.5 billion Internet users in the world, 98 percent of their comments fall under one of the following 10 categories.” (Eric D. Snider)

Some Cracked Links:
* 6 Dream Jobs That Would Actually Suck
* 5 Ways People Are Trying to Save the World (That Don't Work)
* 5 Great Men Who Built Their Careers on Plagiarism
* 5 Ways Common Sense Lies to You Everyday
* A Series of Messages from Fred Savage to Danica McKellar

* 10 Lies Comics Make Us Believe (Part 1, Part 2) (Comics in Crisis)

* Charlie Brown Specials That Never Got Made (Monkey Muck)

* The Most Memorable Candy Commercials of the 1980s. Now I want a Watchamacallit. (The Retroist)

* Jimmy Olsen watches Batman & Robin (Chris's Invincible Super-Blog)

* JA looks into Paul Rudd and sees a cuddlier future for us all. (My New Plaid Pants)

"Now, you can still hate Jar Jar if you want to, but I think it’s pretty clear that he worked for specific purposes in the films, whether you liked it or not. And if you can’t at least admit to this stuff, your inability to like the prequels has far more to do with a personal problem than with the actual films themselves." (Den of Geek)

* Two links from Courtney Enlow's "Things Assholes Like" series.

First: "Yesterday, I had a long talk with my best friend, the organizational psych grad student, about pretension. And she pointed out a classic trait of all pretentious people: they hate everything. They hate everything, she said, because one is more vulnerable to judgment upon admitting that they like something.

And second: "When I said I judge judgers, I wasn’t kidding. I can’t stand people who decide something about a person before they get to know them. I also hate hypocrites. Thinking anymore about these things could cause my brain to implode and kill us all, but I’ll try. I believe that all judgmental people are driven by one thought: I am right. We of the judginess are staunch in these feelings. And some judgers are wrong and that makes it wrong. But I’m usually right and therefore that makes it okay. This is the way of the judger mind. I am justified in my negative feelings because they are true. The thing is, they usually are. I’m usually right." (HoboTrashcan)

* "Watching these cretins powereat is like watching frantic colonial insurgents cramming their muskets with powder and bullets at Lexington and Concord." Ned Bitters finds buffets overrated. (HoboTrashcan)

* "Of course they are not being taken seriously. Would you buy a used peace from Bono the Clown? In his orange shades? Would you agree in principle on any proposal peddled by somebody looking (and sounding, when he manages to extricate Dubya’s testicles from his big gob) like Bob Geldof? Let me put it closer to home: would you want your child to be taught by people like Bono or Geldof? Would you let your conscience be formed by a pair of obsolete classclowns? If not, why should The Man?" We all know Bono's a twat, but this is one of the best explications of this fact that I've ever seen. (Any Major Dude with Half a Heart)

* So, Why is Guy Fieri a douchebag? (Hell Bent for Taters)

Perhaps the greatest toy ever made. (Go-Go Godzilla!)

* Challenge accepted! This post reminds me that I'm only about halfway through my childhood goal of making my home look like the inside of a comic shop. (Geek Orthodox)

* And finally: Jaquandor puts forth the best idea I have ever heard in my life. (Byzantium’s Shores)

(Note: if the video doesn't appear--and I notice it doesn't on all browsers--click the link at the bottom to go see it. It's hilarious.)

Gobstopper Trailer from Gobstopper Movie

Wizards

Throwdown Addendum: Binghamton Shooting

I didn't get a chance to say anything about this afternoon's shooting at a Binghamton, NY, immigration services center on today's Throwdown. It was occurring while I was updating the computer and I didn't have a chance.

It's hard to talk about stories like this. All I know for certain is that 12 or 13 people were killed, and that one of them might be the gunman, Jiverly Voong. When something like this happens, cable news is off to the races, cluttering their broadcasts with endless speculation and hand-wringing denouncements.

What I wanted to mention is that Vice President Biden came out and said we need a way to stop this kind of violence. And, once again, the idea of stricter gun controls is being trotted out. I know this is a shitty thing to say right after a tragedy, but I don't blame the mere fact of guns. If someone wants to find a way to hurt a lot of people, they're going to. If someone wants to get a gun, they're going to find it. Let's be honest. There's never going to come a time when guns disappear and no one will ever have access to them.

But I agree with Biden. We need a way to stop this kind of violence. But we need to figure out what's making people in this country unhappy, angry, desperate... so desperate that killing a lot of people is the only way they can deal with it. There's a real sickness in this society, and I don't believe it comes from an underlying sense of hostility. It comes from a combination of fear and desperation. People in this country feel trapped with no way out, and as the recession worsens and unemployment numbers go up (they went up again in March), a lot more people are going to be getting desperate. And our government still doesn't feel like it's doing much to address the concerns of non-banksters.

I think we're all in terrible danger. And this is only beginning.

Please let me be wrong.

Throwdown 4/3

Random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.

1. Wow. Prom dresses are usually more subtle than that.

2. The Farrelly Brothers are making their long-cherished Three Stooges biopic, which will now star Sean Penn as Larry Fine, Benicio del Toro as Moe Howard, and Jim Carrey as Curly Howard. I can’t think of a movie I would want to see less than this. You know, there was a perfectly good movie about the Three Stooges that was made for TV and aired in 2000. See if you can find it; Michael Chiklis plays Curly, and it’s his best performance ever. As for this Farrelly Brothers movie… well, Becca doesn’t even like the Stooges, but she captured my feelings exactly when she asked, confused: “Why are they doing this? Just… why? Why?”

3. I see Madonna was in Malawi again. They always return to the scene of the crime. How many children does she need to kidnap before she feels satisfied? And the kid’s grandmother is trying to stop her… is it really that hard for Madonna to find an orphan to adopt who’s actually an orphan? At least they stopped her from running off with one this time. Seriously, I know it’s not “trendy” to adopt an American child these days, but there are lots of kids in America who could use a home. I’m so sick of celebrities trying to show us what world leaders they are, acting like adopting an African or Asian child somehow solves the poverty problem. If you want to adopt, adopt. It’s very noble. But don’t do it to increase your Q rating. Do it because you care about giving a child a home.

4. Here’s some more about the Let the Right One In subtitles: now Magnolia thinks bloggers should stop complaining about the crappy subtitles on the DVD because somehow being “a more literal translation” is better than being a poetic, well-written translation. I’ve seen the side by side comparison, I’ve seen the film now, and the new subtitles are really just a total dumbing down of the dialogue. Magnolia also feels that no one would have noticed the change if Icons of Fright and bloggers hadn’t made an issue out of it. The DVDs aren’t defective; therefore there will be no recall or exchange. Magnolia is doing its best to marginalize and ridicule the biggest fans of the movie. Is it a good business model to alienate and piss off the largest pool of potential customers you have? (And, honestly, has telling bloggers to shut up ever worked? You just made things worse, idiots.) I say, if you bought the DVD already and are pissed off about it, take it back to the store where you bought it and tell them you want to exchange it for something else. Something not from Magnolia. And then just download the screener off BitTorrent. You’ll have to watch it on your computer, but you don’t have to put up with stupid corporate decisions.

5. WHDH, the Boston NBC affiliate (home of the seventh-largest TV market in the US) has decided that they’re not going to carry this 10pm Jay Leno show and just show two local news programs instead. They say: “We don't think the Leno show is going to be effective in primetime. It will be detrimental to our 11 o'clock. It will be very adverse to our finances. It fundamentally is a better financial plan for us. We are already suffering from weak lead-ins.” Ouch. Of course, NBC is already up in arms over this, but I wonder how many other stations will follow Boston’s lead and decide not to carry it. I think it was an idiotic idea to even give him the time slot in the first place. How sad is it that an entire generation has grown up thinking Jay Leno is one of the high water marks for late night television? You guys weren’t here for Johnny; if you were, you’d know that Jay Leno not being completely awful is not the same thing at all as Jay Leno being good. There’s a difference.

6. That Maserati that Lindsay Lohan crashed? Turns out it was owned by Dennis DeSantis, the porno movie producer. And when it’s fixed, he’s going to let her keep borrowing it. Man, I figured she must be good, but I didn’t know she was buy-her-a-Maserati good. Smart, though, holding onto the title. Really, if Lindsay Lohan can’t get parts in big movies, and thinks she’s too good to be a co-star in indies (as people who work with her have said recently), how long do you think it’ll be until she starts doing porn? I mean, she probably just should at this point. I mean, what does she even get paid for now? Does she just live off of Sam Ronson’s money? Seriously, maybe she and Octomom could just do porn together and make it a real circus.

7. In Australia, the Global Atheist Movement has officially united with the “church” of scientology and has a mass nude protest planned. So, in case you were wondering—yes, atheists can be just as big a bunch of morons as any other religious types. This kind of shit is why I don’t like to call myself an atheist.

8. Speaking of unexpected partnerships, Iran has offered to help the US rebuild Afghanistan. It’s probably in their best interests to do so: Iran is a Shiite government and the Taliban are led by radical Sunnis. I think America has done a really good job in the Middle East of giving Iran a much stronger position; they've got a toehold in Iraq, especially with us leaving and the tensions still running high, and now they're trying to get a toehold in Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Benjamin Netanyahu is just making it worse by calling for America to strike Iran to stop it from gaining nuclear weapons, and implying that Israel will attack Iran with or without America’s help. And, since Iran and Russia have been teaming up a lot... Oh, goody, Cold War II just intensified. I hope that President Obama will handle this in a direct manner, but I’m not holding my breath. America rarely does anything but support—and fund—the Israeli government’s Peace by Murdering as Many Non-Jews as Possible stratagem. (This is, of course, the opposite of the Iranian government’s Peace by Murdering as Many Non-Muslims as Possible approach.) You know, no one says that Iran and Israel have to like each other. You know the secret of peace? Not killing each other just because you hate each other.

9. It looks like President Obama and Defense Secretary Robert Gates have decided not to address changes to the military’s asinine “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. Look, we’re fighting two wars and the economy is in chaos; is this really the time to keep quibbling over the right to keep our military homophobic? How dare you, really? How dare you make it okay for an arm of the US government to tell someone that their desire to protect and even sacrifice themselves for their country is meaningless because they don’t have the same sexual orientation as everyone else? And how dare you tell those people that they can’t live the way they want to because they represent the military? I’m sorry, but the very clear message I’m getting from this bullshit is: the US Armed Forces do not condone equality for homosexual citizens. And that’s wrong. And for yet another Democratic administration to put off the issue of equal rights for another generation is unworthy of what our government is capable of. What is this "America isn't ready for change" bullshit. America's never ready for change. Do you think Lyndon Johnson thought America was ready for change when he signed the Civil Rights Act into law? You don't wait until America's ready, you just change things. Look for President Obama to never do anything on gay rights. He’s busy protecting his job. Or he just doesn’t like gay people. After all, civil unions are “enough,” remember? Way to take a stand on civil rights.

10. The lack of coverage on stories like this is why I’m giving up on the old media. Even our president has embraced the immediacy of the new media, something smarter news outlets did long ago. Newspapers are ridiculing Obama for getting Queen Elizabeth an iPod (she asked for one) and whining that he doesn’t take print seriously. Meanwhile, what are they doing for you, the reader in America? Are they looking out for your best interests anymore? I think you know the answer to that. At least if you’re looking to several different outlets online, you’re not just getting one corporate opinion. (Though sometimes you are getting several.) (Thanks to Darius Whiteplume for the cartoon.)

11. Due to prosecutorial misconduct, Senator Ted Stevens is off the hook. The Justice Department has asked that his conviction be set aside and his indictment dismissed. So, once again, the Justice Department has continued to be ironically named. Can you imagine if Stevens was a Democrat? The right would be up in arms. But the left sure won’t be. You guys know that no one is looking out to make sure the system works, right? (Conversely, Alberto Gonzales would never have worked as tirelessly to get a Democrat off the hook as Holder has for Stevens.) And, predictably, the Alaska GOP (including Klondike Barbie) has asked Mark Begich to resign so that a new vote can be taken. Guys, Stevens lost the last vote for a reason. They say that a few thousand Alaskans only voted for Begich because they thought Stevens was a felon. Well, you know what? He’s still a felon, he’s just no longer a convicted one. Getting off on a technicality is not the same as being innocent. Tell me again why we need Alaska in the Union so damn bad? Can’t we cut them loose and give their spot to, like, Puerto Rico or something?

12. More tales of Republican incompetence: Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader, does not deserve to be taken seriously. Talking about how Obama is “turning America into France” (I wish!), he said: “What [Republicans are] not in favor of is going on this spending spree over the next five to 10 years and sending the bill to our grandchildren.” Well, not unless George W. Bush is president, right? And just to add something for the sake of piling on, why is no one calling “New Democrats” like Melissa Bean what they really are? Republican Enablers. Oh, and I also hear that Michael Steele is considering a presidential run. Oh, Christ, I hope he does. Let’s implode this party right now! Steele should pick Bachmann as his running mate. Man, why is it the Libertarians are the only Republicans making sense right now? Take a lesson, Rushtards.

13. Are we going to ever address the health care crisis in this country? Because I can only see things getting worse with the economy failing. Small businesses are dropping health coverage left and right because it’s so expensive, and more and more people are being denied. And, in many cases, paying into COBRA when you’re uninsured is pretty much the same cost as just going without insurance. People who most need health care in this country are the most likely to be denied it. Some communicable disease, some West Nile thing or that superbug that was going around, is getting a big opportunity to just wipe us out right now. And all because America insists that health care is about profit, not people, and certainly not the public health. (Click here to go to a Firedoglake post that contains a link to the AFL-CIO’s annual health care survey. Only you can silence your voice.)

14. The Bank of North Dakota is the only state-owned “socialist” bank in America. It earned record profits last year. A successful model to emulate/modify or an anomaly? More here.

15. President Obama fired GM CEO Rick Wagoner as part of the rescue plan for the auto industry. He’s apparently decided to get tough with them. He’s also forcing out the board and kicking the bondholders who have been dragging their feet in the ass and giving them 2 months to come up with a new plan (and no more bailout money)--basically, he’s forcing GM to break all of their contracts. Now, this is a very complex issue, but I have some really queasy feelings about this. First, the president can fire the CEO of a company for not doing what he wants? Is that even legal? I’m seriously asking, I don’t know. Second, this just feels like another meaningless gesture to placate anger (like the AIG bonus tax) that has nothing to do with fixing the economy. And third, if Obama is suddenly so hot on sacrifice, why isn’t he going after Wall Street this aggressively? He and Geithner have helped to create a new corporate welfare culture where Wall Street can now take greater risks because there’s no downside; if they lose taxpayer money, Congress will just give them more. Why isn’t that also being pushed onto bondholders and shareholders? I mean, what it looks like to me is that Obama is trying to get rid of retiree pensions, but doesn’t want any banker to have to sell one of their homes. Once again, the real sacrifice is going to have to be made by union workers, people who have, frankly, sacrificed enough. Obama said “I’m not willing to have taxpayer money chase after bad money.” Unless it’s Citibank, right? Or AIG? And Obama wants to bring the cost of wages in line with Japanese auto workers? They get free health care from their government! That’s not feasible, and furthermore, it’s fucking unfair. Yes, we have to make real sacrifices to save the economy, but why is it always the workers and the poor who have to do the real sacrificing? President Obama is sending the unfortunate message that the wealthy in this country are a protected class. And he's proving those of us who felt he was anti-union correct. He can laugh at Republican tax cuts all he wants, but at least they’re honest about wanting to protect the rich.

16. Just this morning, it’s been announced that the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously—unanimously—struck down a gay marriage ban as unconstitutional. So gay people can legally marry now in Iowa. I’m even prouder to have been born in Iowa today. Unlike most of the country, they live in the present, not the distant past. It's a very pragmatic Midwestern thing to just accept something like this and move on. Now if only Illinois would follow suit.

Happy Birthday, Mandypants

23 today.

Confusion

When I was a kid, I used to say Asterix instead of asterisk.

But I also used to say asterisk instead of Asterix.

I have no idea why or how they became transposed in my mind.

Besides that, I used to mispronounce "question mark" as "Tin Tin." Wocka wocka!