Twilight Summarized by a Smartass, Chapter 22

Why does it seem like I've been between chapters 21 and 24 for the last 10 weeks? Did she start the numbering over again, or something? God, every time I think this book must be about to end, it goes on for another 50 pages.

Anyway, the brief bright spot of character development from Chapter 21 seems like a long, long time ago. It's obliterated completely by this chapter, which is just too overly descriptive and fails to keep any tension going.

Bella, if you remember, has agreed to meet James at her mom's house in order to rescue her mother. She's written a farewell letter to Edward and needs to ditch Alice and Jasper at the airport to escape to James. She's finally made this decision not to sit and wait for her boyfriend to make every one of her life decisions.

As this chapter opens, Alice has another vision of James, and seems to have seen something about Bella that she won't reveal. There is way, way too much description of the airport and precisely how Bella escapes (she ducks out of the bathroom and into an elevator... cunning) and how she makes it home.

And it turns out James doesn't have her mother at all. The voice she heard was from a home movie playing in the background. She's been tricked.

And then... oy, and then.

Then Stephenie Meyer proves that her real ambition is not to write shitty abstinence porn for lonely cat ladies and sexually immature tweens. No, no, her real ambition is to write for Marvel Comics. Because then we get pages of James sneering at Bella, expounding his own cleverness, extolling the virtues of his plan. Seriously, he monologues forever, going on and on about his plan and what he did and how disappointed he is that it was so easy to lure her into his trap. He even goes on and on and on about how he did it. And he goes on and on and on about how he hopes that Edward will show up so they can have some kind of big homoerotic blowout because, you know, it's just no fun for James unless he's getting punched and groped by a total pussy like Edward.

Christ, Doctor Doom is looking at this guy and saying "You wanna keep it brief there, pal?"

And then James goes on even more about how he killed the vampire who changed Alice into a vampire, because Alice smelled so delicious and he really wanted to have her blood for himself. And then he decides he's going to torture Bella and videotape it for Edward, because he is just incredibly fixated on getting Edward angry and having a big tussle with him. James has such a hard on for Edward you'd think Edward had left James on Ceti Alpha V. Okay, I get it: James is gay, and gay people are bad because they don't like normal tortured abstinence. Sorry, but that seems to be the point Stephenie Meyer is making by going on and on and on about this shit. Poor James, he can't get off normally because his desires are so dark, he has to be the villain, what a sick fuck.

This whole book is fucking sick. Seriously, seriously fucking sick.

And then the torture starts, and Bella falls unconscious.

I can not wait until this thing is over. This is the worst book I've ever read.