Yo, Joe! Episode 38

Eau De Cobra

This episode opens with a mummy robbing an Ancient Egyptian tablet from the British Museum. I don't think there's any more I could add to that, really.

I assume the guy inside the wrappings is Firefly, because he then shows up at an Antarctic base and orders a couple of techs to take him to something they've found called the Jackal's Bane root.

One of the techs steps on a silent alarm that alerts Breaker to the, well, break-in. He immediately dials Flint, who is standing around on the roof watching Scarlett and Lady Jaye sunbathe for some reason.

I just... what? Why is he just standing there? I mean, on the one hand you can't tell me they feel threatened by this guy. He's just so lost when it comes to women, he's proved it over and over again. But still, it's kind of weird. What, do they need a spotter? Let's just move on with the episode.

Breaker alerts Snow Job and Frostbite. I think this is Frostbite's first appearance in an episode, if I'm not mistaken. He's not much of a character--I like Snow Job much better--but he does get to drive this:

The Snow Cat. One of my favorite ever G.I. Joe vehicles. It was the coolest toy, with it's missiles-on-skis and it's big treads. I loved that thing.

Anyway, Firefly gets away with some of that Jackal's Bane root in a Cobra sub. Luckily, some radioactive liquid was splashed on his sleeve and they can track him with it. They trace the sub to Madagascar, so Flint, Lady Jaye, Breaker, and Shipwreck head out to try and meet him at a place actually called Pirate's Cove, which Shipwreck is apparently familiar with from his smuggling days.

As I've said a million times: Shipwreck is the Han Solo of G.I. Joe. Meanwhile, look at these two. Palpable sexual tension.

Firefly calls in to Cobra Commander and reports his success. Apparently the tablet has some kind of formula on it that tells them to mix Jackal's Bane with crushed swamp moss. Before we find out what it's for, Geiger counters discover the radioactive tracking paint on Firefly's clothes and the Commander orders an evacuation. But it's too late!

G.I. Joe attacks Cobra with windsurfing!

But Cobra Commander defeats them with his superior explosion!

Still, Flint recovers the tablet, which Lady Jaye can of course translate just by looking at it, because she's so frigging superior to everyone in every aspect. Ugh. This is another one of those episodes where I just find Lady Jaye to be utterly insufferable. How much attention is she desperate for? She's like Lady Gaga without the cheesy music.

Anyway, the tablet contains a recipe for a love potion that will cause a man to fall in love with the owner forever. Around here, we just call that "superior cleavage" or "being Scarlett Johansson," but whatever, let's pretend men are complex and don't already have the exact same chemicals pumping through their body as must be in this "perfume."

Well, Destro's pretty mad at Firefly for losing the tablet, but Cobra Commander does have Eau de Cobra, a perfume which will make the Baroness irresistible to any man. Which, hey, come on, you don't really need any perfume at all for that. But who's the target?

Flint does what G.I. Joe usually does in this situation and just sort of makes up the answer out of thin air, calling Short-Fuse to ask him who the wealthiest bachelor in the world is. It's a Greek shipping magnate called Aristotle Onassis Socrates Airtes, and Flint decides that Cobra's plan is to have the Baroness marry Airtes so that Cobra can control the world's largest shipping fleet.

Lucky for him, he's right. Of course.

The Baroness absolutely looks like she has no need of Eau de Cobra to carry out this plan, but she sprays it on anyway. Oh, and like T-Pain, she's on a boat. There's a yacht party going on, and the Baroness is on board and on the prowl. Flint and Lady Jaye have to sneak aboard.

Cobra Commander and Destro are watching from a nearby boat, and Destro is being a little bitch about the whole thing. He's insanely jealous having to watch the Baroness dance with Airtes, and the Commander is about to call him on it when Destro sees that Flint and Lady Jaye have infiltrated the yacht.

Destro wants to go over and monitor the mission firsthand, but the Commander tells him to calm down and actually makes fun of him, telling him he's afraid that the Baroness will succumb to Flint's charm. Destro won't be trifled with, and even when the Commander orders him to stay where he is, Destro won't listen. He is too super pissed to put up with Cobra Commander anymore.

You can see why he's worried, though--even as he grumbles, Flint and the Baroness are dancing together. He promises to expose her as a Cobra agent, but she sprays him with a good dose of perfume and...

hellooooo, nurse!

Now Flint only has eyes for the Baroness (which I think, given the bikini wrestling in "The Gamesmaster," just gives him a convenient excuse to let it all out), which seems like a nice break from Lady Jaye and her constant need for approval and her daddy issues (probably). The Baroness orders Flint to "dispose of" Lady Jaye, which would make this the best episode ever, except that Destro steps in.

Destro is going to kill Flint instead of letting him take the Baroness, and the two fight. I take back what I said earlier. What would really make this the best episode ever would've been if Flint had killed Lady Jaye and then Destro had killed Flint. Then we could go back to Duke and Scarlett. But whatever. A man can dream.

Airtes has both men thrown off the boat, which has Cobra Commander laughing like a clown who's been sucking down pure nitrus oxide. In the water, Flint's head clears and he tells Destro he can have the Baroness, to which poor Destro replies "I think not. That woman is nothing but trouble." Come on, man, she's working. This is nothing personal. The Baroness overhears this little exchange and gets quite angry.

Lady Jaye takes the Eau de Cobra straight out of the Baroness' purse, douses herself, and then starts dancing with a suddenly enchanted Airtes. But, in a very enlightened move, seemingly every woman on the ship realizes what the perfume actually does and they all start fighting each other for it like it's Cinderella's dress and they don't want her going to that ball.

Woo-hoo, look at them rush for it! Seriously, what year do the writers think this is?

Even Cobra Commander's all like "WTF is this shit?"

The perfume gets knocked into the sea, and it's a race between a Cobra sub and Deep Six in his SHARC to grab the bottle. Meanwhile, Cobra Commander's being a jerk and messing with Destro, telling him he's not going to let him back aboard, until Destro changes his mind with one of those wrist lasers he's got. Killjoy. The Commander welcomes him back warmly. Aw, come on, Destro. Jes' kiddin'.

Meanwhile, the Joes and Cobras are outsmarted by a crab. It seems plausible to me: a crustacean just totally outwits all of these idiots and makes off with the perfume. It's probably his lucky day, too. Maybe he's on the outs with his wife, like he forgot their anniversary or something, and he's stumbled into some rare perfume. Why not, eh? Good for him.

I'mma let Destro take this one: "A fitting end to an absurd scheme!"

So the Baroness escapes by disguising herself as one of the other partygoers (she looks ginchy with this short hair, too), and boats off to fight another day.

"All's fair in love and war! It could have been wonderful, Flint!"

*siiigh*

Poor guy.

Socrates Airtes resolves to remain a bachelor. So it all probably works out for the best. (Although it's actually a fun episode. A stupid kind of fun, but fun nonetheless.)

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