Twilight Summarized by a Smartass, Chapter 18

So the "bad" vampires show up at the baseball game, one of them (James) smells Bella and sets his mind to tracking, hunting, and killing her, and Edward panics and makes plans with Alice and Emmett to hide Bella back in her original hometown of Phoenix. And that's pretty much all that happens.

There are only three significant things that jumped out at me.

First, that the Cullens are so quick to rally and protect Bella, despite how much Alice and Emmett don't like the idea of Edward dating a human. So that was kind of nice, I guess.

Second, that Bella actually considered Charlie's safety when Edward was driving off and trying to whisk her away to safety. (Well, relative safety.) Suddenly Bella loves her dad instead of acting like choosing to live with him is the biggest inconvenience of her life.

And third, that Edward actually shuts his whiny emo mouth and listens to Bella for a change. I'm not sure if that's growth or not, since Alice and Emmett have to convince Edward that Bella's whole plan--she's going to go back to Phoenix with Alice and Jasper and hide out from James--is the best thing they can do. (Although, frankly, I preferred Emmett's plan of just killing James. Anything to get this shit over with.)

And that's pretty much it. So here's a video of moments from the RiffTrax (aka MST3K) version of Twilight that made me laugh my ass off. This is probably the only way to watch the movie.