Twilight Summarized by a Smartass, Chapter 17

I remember, back in the early nineties, watching an episode of Garfield and Friends where Garfield expounded on how, ever since Who Framed Roger Rabbit had been a smash hit, every cartoon character now overreacted to the simplest inconvenience by popping their eyes out of their head, jumping into midair, smashing into a thousand pieces, etc. It was all so over the top and cliche.

All of that is what I picture every time Edward does something mundane but does it really fast and Bella comes up with some new variation of "I stared open-mouthed like the especially dim Homo Habilis that I am."

Also, there are what feels like nine variations of Bella having her breath taken away by the marble perfection that is Edward. So there's another one of her problems: she's not getting enough oxygen to her brain. I know that at first read it may seem like Bella doesn't need any more air in her head, but something's not firing in there, and oxygen is a necessity.

So, in this chapter... well, Jacob Black and his father Billy discover that Bella is dating Edward. Billy is disappointed (Charlie Swan is his best friend), but Jacob seems crestfallen. I say "seems" because Stephenie Meyer isn't interested in Jacob so far as anything but an infodump and yet another example of Bella's extreme desirability. Bella finally breaks the news to her dad, and he seems alright with it; he meets Edward and everything's fine.

And then, because I had almost forgotten how stupid the fucking book is, we have Edward picking up Bella in a freaking monster truck, like that could be anything but ridiculous, and driving her into the woods, giving her another super piggyback ride, and playing baseball in the dark with his family.

Yes, I can see why this is the greatest romance of all time.

You know what really got me in this chapter? Bella takes a phone call from her friend Jessica (remember her?), who tells her all about the school dance while Bella pretends to listen like the great friend she is. I was surprised to hear anyone bring up school again; I'll be surprised if there are any more scenes that take place at school for the rest of the book (I have about 125 pages to go). School doesn't exist in this novel any more than it has to, because Bella and Edward have absolutely zero interests outside of each other. Well, except for Bella's obsession with herself.

School is just a device in this novel; it's only there to give Edward and Bella a place to meet, and to firmly establish that, even though Bella's clumsy, she's the Most Beautiful and Smartest Girl in the Universe. Except that that doesn't even matter because Edward belittles her intelligence, denigrates her beauty, and is really just caught up in how she smells.

They are completely and totally wrapped up in themselves. They're not wrapped up in each other at all; instead, they're each fascinated with how deep their own feelings are. Yeah, this sounds like a great relationship to me. I think they're mistaking sexual fascination for genuine love. I wish they'd just fuck and get on with their lives.

There's yet another scene that perfectly defines their relationship in this chapter. After giving her a super horsey ride, which scares her because she's scared of the speed and it's so dark, Edward drops her on her ass, then laughs at her, then takes it badly when she gets pissed off over his little "joke," and then there's yet more talky talk about how dangerous it is for her to be around him, even though he loves her more deeply than he thought possible, and the codependent shit starts over again, and blah blah blah. These guys are that couple you try never to invite to your dinner parties, because it's just going to be them digging at each other, then screaming, then crying when one of them (usually the girl) tries to leave by herself, and then loud make up sex in the kitchen or bathroom while you sit there uncomfortable, pretending not to notice. But here in the book, it's an emotionally immature nitwit who thinks she's a genius, and a 108-year old emo Mormon virgin who seems like he should be walking around listening to Fall Out Boy on his iPod and cutting himself to feel something.

Then we get the worst-written baseball game in literary history. It's just silly. Meyer tries to describe it as a regular baseball game, just writ large and played in the dark, with super hits and super runs and super catches and super umping and super RBIs. It's just so stupid. No matter how badass she tries to make it, no matter how supernatural she tries to make it, no matter how much Bella compares Edward to a breathtaking god, Meyer just can't describe it as anything other than a first-grader's fantasy of Superman and Spider-Man playing ball against Brainiac and Mike Tyson for the fate of the planet. It is silly.

(I can't remember if the Cullens are wearing uniforms or not, but I pictured it that way, which just made it seem even more stupid than it already was.)

We do get to meet Esme, Edward's vampire "mother." She seems nice. Meyer must have based her on her own mother, or someone she knew, because she's the first character so far (maybe second, after Jacob) that doesn't seem like a vaguely-defined hole in time. There's not a lot to Esme so far, but there are hints that Meyer knows fully who Esme is. It's a rare bright spot.

And, towards the end, psychic Alice warns that "they" are coming, and Edward needs to protect Bella while everyone plays it cool. I don't know who "they" are, but I assume, based on literary contrivance and cliche and all, that these characters are the Vampires Who Are So Bad That the Cullens Look Less Like Supernatural Monsters. Because that's what always happens here.

I expect things to get even dumber next week.

I can't believe this book keeps getting more and more stupid, but it really does.