Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Health Report, Year 3: Week 29

Pink eye.

Hoo-fucking-ray.

Actually, I got pink eye and burst a blood vessel in my eye at the same time, so that just makes it even better. (In related news, I can never eat spaghetti again, so no matter how much I've modified the recipe and no matter the fact that I barely ever eat it anymore anyway, I've got to give it up entirely. Awesome.)

I didn't get to go to my little sister's graduation party because of my pink eye. My dad is really angry with me over it--my shitty health has kept me from a lot of family things over the years, things I always feel awkward and unwanted at, anyway. I'm sure my dad would say he's just disappointed, which makes me feel even worse about myself. I hate myself for things like that. I really do.

I'm so unmotivated to get well and be healthy, because all I can see is where I disappoint everyone and piss everyone off and am completely a burden on others. I think everyone really believes that I'm just selfish and don't want to be bothered with them, when the actual fact is I just have shitty health and don't think anyone wants me around.

I feel really sick today. It's more than just the blood vessel. It's a general jumpiness and unease because of my high blood pressure being aggravated by a spaghetti lunch. It sucks giving up things you love (and I love pasta), but I don't ever want to feel this sick again. It's scary that you can think you're doing well on your diet and then one small meal can just throw you dangerously out-of-balance for days. This really blows.

Goodbye, pasta. I don't want to die from spaghetti-related causes.

UPDATE 4:34 PM: I just want to say something about these Health Report posts. These are me working out my overall emotional state as well as talking about my general health and things I'm trying to do to get healthier. When I first started doing these posts back in 2006, I realized that a lot of the problems I'm having with trying to get in shape have to do with emotional issues I've been trying to get over, cycles I've been trying to break, and limitations I'm trying to overcome.

Almost from the very beginning, I've dealt with a lot of criticisms of my overall tone, or of the mistakes I've made, or of not just sucking it up and getting over my problems fast enough for some of you. And in the rare instances when I've struck back at comments that I feel are a little too angry or judgmental or just plain rude, I've most often been accused of wanting people only to agree with me or tell me how great I am or some such total bullshit.

Look, support is always appreciated. I'm not going to deny that. And sympathy has been surprising, but sweet. Constructive advice is appreciated, too. I've gotten a lot of good advice here regarding eating habits and health concerns and diets.

What I don't need is this presumptuous sort of "tough love" that some people want to force on me, which makes a lot of assumptions about what I "need" to hear. Or comments that pick on me for not being so good at instantly changing lifelong habits that have been hard to break. Every bit of negativity just hacks away at my confidence even more, and my first instinct is to just stop doing Health Reports altogether. But the disgusting negativity of well-meaning commenters has stopped me from doing a lot of things I used to enjoy on my blog because they've become so associated with that level of rudeness and whining and made those things less enjoyable.

I don't need to to be told that my negativity "invites" criticism, especially when that criticism makes a lot of assumptions and is basically just talking down to me.

I don't do this blog for you. I do it for me. I've never been one of those people who thought blogging would lead to getting my writing noticed or that I could make a ton of money off of it or that I'm going to be one of those obnoxious internet celebrities (a concept that shouldn't even exist). I don't care about winning the popularity contest. And I dig when people read this blog and really get it, but that's just gravy. I'm not doing this for approval.

So, if my negativity about myself, or my health, or my life, or some movie you like, or your political beliefs "invite" personal criticism, I'd rather you were polite enough to ignore the "invitation." Not because I want everyone to agree with me or because I can't handle it, but because it's just purposeless. It's rude. It's just more negativity to associate with blogging. Stop emailing me and telling me that my blog needs to be more/less political, or have more/less sexy girls on it, or be more/less positive, or that I'm not funny or that I'm "wrong" when I like a movie. Because I don't care.

If you want to talk about my opinion, cool. Love to. If you want to personally attack me for not thinking the same way you do, just pass on by. God knows I don't agree with all of your opinions. I just feel like the polite thing to do is not mention it if I've got nothing to add.

So, you know, when I'm talking about my personal problems and "inviting" criticism, that's not your cue to jump in and tell me what's wrong with me and what I "need" to do.

But of course, you polite people--the majority of you--already know this.

1 comment:

Oblio said...

Hey Green... sorry you are feeling foul. I comprende your sitch, as my wife has struggled with the same issues her whole life, including the 27 years we've been together. She had mono in high school and was out of commission for 4 months, and ever since then her health has been marginal. Top that off with a history of severe migraines that left her incapacitated three days a week when I first met her. Over the years we've battled them and thanks to Imitrex (and my loving ways!), her migraines are kept at bay, but not eliminated completely. She gets VERY BUMMED OUT when she is cut down by one, and she used to get the same guilt crap from her family when she was laid out and couldn't hang in there, but that has all changed. She is easily depressed when she feels lousy for a couple of days ongoing, but I understand and do whatever I can to help her fight it until she starts feeling better. In the grand scheme, her health issues pale in comparison to the amazing relationship she and I share, and I suspect (based on your posts) that you and Becca work thru these things as well.

Hang tough, Amphibious One!