Saturday, February 23, 2008

Oscar Miley

You know I love me some Miley Cyrus in both appropriate and inappropriate ways. But even as somewhat of a fan (Disney owns my soul), I have to ask: what the hell is Miley Cyrus doing involved with the Oscars? She's been in one movie, and that was a film of one of her concerts. She's a pop star with a highly-rated, um, basic cable show. I appreciate that someone's been very good about getting her marketed to the mainstream (where the hell was all this for Hilary Duff, Disney?), but I think it's a little early to see her presenting an Oscar and appearing on Barbara Walters's Oscar Special. How about she makes some actual movies first?

Quote of the Decade

"What we need is for Britney Spears to stay home instead of traipsing all over town. That would solve the problem. We don’t need additional laws… I’ve got laws coming out my ears to deal with this issue. What you have is several young women in this town and several young men basically making fools of themselves and tying up not only my resources but the resources of the media that would do better covering legitimate stories instead of a bunch of airheads running around out there… Quite clearly some of these characters so favored by the paparazzi are clearly in need of services. Not police services, but psychiatric services!" --Pat Morrison Bratton, L.A. Police Chief

Friday, February 22, 2008

Throwdown 2/22

Random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.

1. That’s the most frightened baby I’ve ever seen! Hilarious! The baby looks Photoshopped, it’s so terrified!

2. Now I see why someone would marry Eva Longoria. I knew it wasn’t for her looks. I mean, you’ve seen her. She’s only young and sexy when compared to a Morlock like Teri Hatcher.

3. Amy Winehouse was forced to color a bikini on the tattoo of the topless woman on her arm because if Americans see a boob society will come to a grinding halt of confusion and embarrassment. So, it’s okay for me to look at Amy Winehouse’s creepy face and body, but you have to save me from tits? I don’t think the priorities are straight here.

4. So much for that new commitment to healthier food… A third-pound toadburger? I want to vomit and die just thinking about that. Sure, it's Angus, but it's still McDonald's, so it'll be reheated and gross.

5. Abigail Breslin will shave her head to star in the film My Sister’s Keeper, based on a novel about a girl who sues her parents to stop them from using her as a guinea pig for her sister who has leukemia. Apparently, director Nick Cassavetes wanted Dakota Fanning. When he took her to a hospital to see child cancer patients, she said loudly (in front of the patients) “There is no way I will ever shave my head and look like these kids.” So, she didn’t gain any fans there. I guess Dakota is going to be the Macauley Culkin. Abigail Breslin’s more talented, at any rate. And apparently less of a bitch.

6. I think it’s pretty shitty of Hayden Christensen to go around badmouthing George Lucas and the Star Wars prequels while he’s on the press junket for Jumper. He said he’d never work with Lucas again and that the prequels stifled his creativity. Dude, the only reason anyone knows who you are is probably because of the prequels; no one forced you into them, but they sure made you a hell of a lot of money. Don’t go badmouthing them like a snob now. Maybe you didn’t do your best work—and I know you didn’t, because I saw Shattered Glass, and you were damn good in it—but don’t be a dick about it. And don’t be a hypocrite. I mean, you just made Jumper, which was supposed to be the first film in a franchise until the underwhelming receipts came in, so don’t act like your soul still isn’t for sale. You owe George Lucas your whole career. Maybe you didn’t like the movies so much, but be big about it.

7. You and me both, pal.

8. Emma Watson is 17. There were pictures of her at some parties with Johnny Borrell, a 30 year-old musician who’s been to the newest celeb hangout, rehab, and will fuck anything that moves. Her parents saw the pictures and you know what they did? They got pissed and told her not to see him ever again. Is this an interesting story? Not really. It’s just nice to see the parents of an underage celebrity acting like parents instead of counting their money and saying she’s just having fun and she’s young, etc. They acted like parents instead of creating the kind of lax environment that sends celebrity teenagers to rehab and career suicide and, worst of all, VH1 reality shows. (I also just heard that Emma and Daniel Radcliffe might be dating, which I find kind of adorable.)

9. I just found out Shannon Elizabeth is going to be on this season of Dancing with the Stars, the haven for has-beens. It must be sucky being a has-been at her age (if, which is debatable, she ever was). I wasn’t even sure she was still alive. But hey, at least she can be proud of her decision not to take her clothes off in movies anymore to protect her marriage to that guy she’s divorced from. It’s been a real career move.

10. I love the commercials for the CW’s line-up-to-be-a-whore reality “competition” Girlicious, the show where girls with no ambition who love to dress like trannies can become part of the famous fake pop group. They tout the show as being from “the visionary mind behind Christina Aguilera, Fergie, and the Pussycat Dolls.” Visionary? Oh, please, let’s highlight this visionary who was the first ever person in history to figure out that if you put a skinny girl in glam clothes and too much make-up she could be a star whether she had the ability to sing (Christina) or not (Fergie). Quick, get that guy on the cancer cure! He’s a visionary!

11. I can’t think of anything right now that’s more boring than this finally-finished format war between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray. I’m sure it’s interesting if you’re a tech head, but they act like the fate of humankind rests on this shit. It’s like Tickle Me Elmo with this crap.

12. That Juno backlash is starting right on schedule. Every year there’s something small and independent like Little Miss Sunshine which is just nice enough to be a hit but just esoteric enough for people to bristle that it’s been nominated for canonization as Best Picture of the Year. And every year it’s a little tiresome, especially since it comes with this kind of “I’m too smart for this bullshit” arrogance. I think the Oscars are only interesting insofar as lots of sexy chicks show up and it’s always interesting to see someone else’s opinion on movies. But I don’t get the people who attach some kind of bullshit mystical significance to whatever the winners are; I can’t believe there are still people who are so incensed over that Titanic Oscar. Look, there are a lot of awards out there, and the only real difference between the Oscars and any other is that the Oscars are given out by the voting body of the film industry as a whole. That’s really it. But the Oscar nomination is taken so seriously by people who think the Oscars matter in the real world, which makes about as much sense as people who think the Car of the Year award matters in the real world. So you didn’t think Juno was worthy of an Oscar; that alone doesn’t make it a bad film. Try having some objective opinions instead of measuring your taste up against the majority opinion of an industry that thinks making movies based on toys and board games is a great idea. The Oscars are interesting, but they’re not important, and just like voting for president, it’s hardly quality that matters. Jesus, Kramer vs. Kramer, Gandhi, and Out of Africa won Best Pictures. That should tell you what you’re dealing with.

13. Last August, a 23 year-old man was arrested in Australia and locked in a cell with handcuffs on. His 18 year-old sister came to make an official complaint that police punched him while arresting him, so they locked her up, too. The man got reasonably upset and began yelling, telling them to release her because she hadn’t done anything. So a cop walked into the cell and Tasered him three times. When his father called a week later to make a complaint, the officer responded, “It shut him up, didn’t it?” I wonder why people in the West find it so hard to trust cops (which only makes it harder for good cops to do their jobs). When did Tasers become the humane way to abuse your power and beat people up? And, according to the movies, hilarious?

14. I find it interesting that there are still so many women who won’t support Hillary Clinton because she didn’t leave Bill after the Monica Lewinsky affair (or any of the other countless affairs). It seems like there was once a time when she would have been praised for keeping her family and her marriage together after something like that. Things change. I don’t really have a feeling either way; what bothers me more is that staying with her husband can be interpreted (as so many things can) as one of her many political moves. The larger issue for me is that I just don’t trust her with power.

15. Heidi Klum is being widely ridiculed in America for offering to let Britney Spears come and live with her so she can help straighten Britney out. Heidi said “I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track.” What I find sad is that, basically, Heidi was exercising this thing we don’t have in America called compassion, and now people are making fun of her for it. Maybe she’s being na├»ve or whatever, but is it so ridiculous to want to help a person instead of throwing her to the wolves? Is it so wrong that Heidi Klum goes immediately to compassion instead of ridicule? People are taking this much too personally.

16. Leave it to the New York Times to get the story wrong. The point is not whether or not John McCain and Vicki Iseman are fucking. The point is whether she is using her relationship with him—whatever it is—to gain undue influence over him as a lobbyist. In 1999, McCain wrote two letters to the FCC on behalf of Paxson Communications urging them to allow Paxson to buy a television license in Pittsburgh. Vicki Iseman was Paxson’s lobbyist; not only that, but before writing those letters McCain had received $20,000 in contributions from Paxson executives and lobbyists; their chief exec, Bud Paxson, was a major contributor to McCain’s 2000 campaign and lent McCain the company jet four times. Since 2000, Paxson—whom McCain saved from financial ruin by reversing himself on a piece of crucial legislation, have contributed nearly $85,000 to his campaign. More and more, it’s looking like McCain pushed campaign finance reforms so hard because he wanted to protect himself. That’s the real story that, thanks to the Times jumping they gun because they thought they had something salacious, is going to get lost.

17. Since donations to the Living Word Christian Center in Brooklyn Park, Mississippi, have left the church falling $40,000 to $70,000 short of its weekly budget, Pastor Marc Hammond has put his private jet on the market. They call churches like this “prosperity churches,” because they believe that financial success and a lavish lifestyle is evidence that God loves them. “Prosperity church” = “for profit.” The Living Word was, surprisingly, not among the churches asked to submit financial documents to the Senate last year. You know, a lot of people get pissed off over the immigration issue because they think they’re paying taxes for people who aren’t paying their own share for the government. Why aren’t people more upset about the vast amounts of untaxed money going to churches every week? They want to be involved with the government, right? Why should we have to carry them when they have the money to carry themselves?

18. Oh, and one last thing: Fuck you once again to Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist idiots for planning to protest at Northern Illinois University and for releasing a statement saying “God sent the shooter” because of America’s tolerance for gay people. We get it, Fred. You crave cock and you feel all tingly and funny about it. Get fucking over it and stop forcing other people to listen to it. People are mourning their loved ones; they don’t want to hear your message of intolerance. This is not about you. Seriously, though, if you want to personally come to NIU, let me know. I bet I could get you laid by some pretty dude, and then you could just calm the fuck down. If you don’t want to finally let go that way, I know something else we can do that still involves you and a lot of pain.

Ridley Scott's Monopoly: The Movie

So, Ridley Scott is making a movie based on the board game Monopoly. Granted, I don't know anything about the "concept" or the "plot" or "script" or "purpose" or other things this movie won't have, but here's what I think the plot is going to be.

The film opens with Rich Uncle Pennybags (Sam Elliott) on his deathbed. He's finally going into the great beyond, and before he dies, he's decided to break up his real estate empire and leave it to his various nephews. Pennybags's son died years ago on some kind of adventure, and since he now has no direct heir, he's going to let his nephews duke it out. And his nephews will be played by some combination of funny slobs (Seth Rogen, maybe), inept ambitious guys (why do I have a feeling Nicolas Cage will be in this somewhere?), glad-handing liars (Aaron Eckhart?) and maybe there'll be that one guy who is a nice, helpful guy who is kind of a twit, but a harmless one (let's say... Luke Wilson or one of those similar talentless guys I'm supposed to believe is a popular leading man; Paul Rudd would be good, he's the one who has the talent). Added into this will probably be Lady Macbeth type wives and other people who want the dough, like assistants and functionaries and people who worked for Pennybags.

Anyway, the real protagonist is going to be Shia LaBeouf as Pennybags's grandson. See, Pennybags wants the boy to win because he's a good kid who could be a great man, and he's the spitting image of Pennybags's late, lost son. But Pennybags doesn't want to just hand his young grandson the business or some other cliche, so he's set up this cryptic game that everyone's playing. He's hidden the deeds to his properties all over the country, and, to get a monopoly, the characters have to follow a set of cryptic clues and collect as many deeds as they can. Movies that are basically board game chases with a set of very dumb and simplistic "cryptic" clues that make people feel clever are very popular right now--National Treasure, The Da Vinci Code--so if this movie gets out quickly enough, there could still be an audience. Plus it's by Ridley Scott, and for some reason people think he's just awesome, no matter how many White Squalls and Good Years and overrated Gladiators he makes.

Anyway, somehow the key to the clues comes in the form of things Pennybags owns and which means something or other special--an old racecar, a thimble, a statue of a cowboy, an iron, his beloved terrier, etc. But Pennybags, of course, wants his grandson to win, so he gives him some things that will help, like a free pass to get out of jail and a key to the Community Chest or some other garbage. And it all ends more or less predictably. Probably the family will be brought closer together only to discover that Pennybags has lost all of his money now that the real estate market is so crappy. Whoops! At least we're all close now, though, right?

And since it's Ridley Scott, there are a lot of special effects that look like something's wrong with the horizontal hold and a million edits. Oh, and maybe Hans Zimmer could stretch himself creatively with the score and plagiarize from Gershwin and Leonard Bernstein and Aaron Copland before he writes a theme or two and hands the whole job over to his factory workers and steals their credit.

It should be at least as much fun as a Wacky Races movie, I guess.

UPDATE: Becca contributes this tag line: Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just head straight for... MONOPOLY!

My Favorite Trend This Week

Post-Pregnancy Latina Boobs

Is It That Time Already?

Happy Birthday, Drew Barrymore!

Oh, and also to my grandmother.

Photo Call

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Scared of Words

This week, Becca and I watched Alex Haley's Queen, a 1992 miniseries that is a follow-up to Roots and Roots: The Next Generations, which are, combined, my all-time favorite miniseries. I've wanted to watch it with Becca for a long time, and since last year was the 30th anniversary, they finally came out on DVD and we could sit and watch the whole thing. Queen I remembered as not being very good, but Becca wanted to see it, so we Netflixed it. It was okay; Halle Berry was a bit histrionic in the lead, but a lot of the supporting cast was good (I defy you to show me a poor Paul Winfield performance).

We especially noted that where Roots had gone for unflinching honesty and a sort of dramatic realism (very ahead of its time for television, especially the violence and nudity, but very frank, too), Queen was fluffier and more of a soap opera.

What I found interesting was the liberal use of the word nigger and its various derivations (negra, nigra, etc.). This miniseries aired in 1992, and the word obviously has its place in the story. After all, it takes place from something like 1840 to the early 1900s. It was about racism and about slavery, and the word is going to come up. But it also got me thinking about this post from last year, when New York City claimed it could ban the use of the word. And I found myself wondering, if Queen or Roots were being made in 2008, would they even be allowed to use the word? And I think that's a troubling implication, because it sets boundaries that shouldn't be set.

I said most of what I have to say about the word nigger in the post last year, but I want to reiterate my belief that there is no inappropriate subject to explore artistically. Roots, both the book and the miniseries, are artful. Masterful. They're among, in my opinion, the most important artistic achievements of the 20th century. But if no one ever said nigger, they wouldn't be honest. It would create a fundamental artifice that destroys their integrity. If Roots the miniseries had never been made, and it were being cast today, would they be able to bravely, honestly use that word? Or would there be pressure to censor the work and make it, in part, a lie?

I still don't think, for a second, that there is such a thing as an inappropriate word. Obviously, because I say fuck and shit all the time and I don't much care. What there are, in everyday life, are inappropriate contexts in which to say them. It's not appropriate to swear in court, and it's not appropriate to hurl racial epithets at someone just because you're pissed off. But it's also not appropriate to pretend that words don't exist. It gives them undue power that they shouldn't have.

I've been coming down with something this week, so I've been hitting the daytime TV a bit. Yesterday on Judge Maria Lopez, some woman tried to sue another woman because, in some kind of altercation, the plaintiff claimed, the defendent's daughter had called her son a nigger. She was claiming pain and suffering, because the boy had been hurt. What seemed to anger the plaintiff most was that she had to explain to her son, who was something like 17, that there's hate in the world. Trust me, the kid already knew.

I guess what I'm saying is this, and again you can point out that I'm a white guy and have only on a handful occasions been the subject of racism: nigger is just a word. It hurts to be called names, I know. But it's just a word. And you can't give a word the kind of power this one has. You can't make a distinction between "right" and "wrong" words. It's all context. Context is what we should be concerned about. Racism and hate and bad intentions, not the word. The word itself is powerless. Stop giving it the mystical power it has now and it will become simply another word and the ability to hurt people with it will die out.

Oh, God Damn It, No

There is a certain pocket of the American television audience that's reliably stupid and undiscerning. The good news: they didn't watch Cavemen. The bad news: they didn't watch Cavemen.

My hatred of Geico's entire advertising department was already bordering on the pathological even before they started using those cavemen on their commercials. Seriously, I can not for one minute accept that people look at those stupid, stupid ads and think "Hmm, I should check Geico's rates." The first ad, with the slogan "So simple a caveman could use it" and the urbane, insulted cavemen was, I admit, pretty clever. But they didn't warrant a second, third, or forty-seventh appearance in a commercial. They certainly didn't warrant sending me junk mail that's supposed to have been written by pissed off cavemen telling me not to do business with Geico (oh, and here's the website and phone number, aren't we clever?!?!?!?!). They. Are. Not. Funny. They just aren't. And again--and I know this is a touchy area, since most ad campaigns are about finding exploitable characters and not about products or services anymore--HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME WANT TO SWITCH CAR INSURANCE PROVIDERS? Okay, it's a bunch of pissy people in makeup acting unpleasant. Whoo, fun! Sign me the fuck up!

So, really, the best thing that could've happened was for the ABC sitcom Cavemen to have been a minor hit. Not on a level we'd all be embarrassed by, but enough to, and this is important, keep them off of the Geico ads. Sure, Geico is still going to have idiotic, annoying commercials (like those commercials with Z-list former celebrities, the most insulting of which is the one where Joan Rivers uses a man's carjacking-at-knifepoint story as yet another opening for plastic surgery jokes--we get it, you're hideous, it's not funny!), but those fucking cavemen wouldn't be on them. They'd be in a little pocket somewhere, and I'd know where they were, and I wouldn't have to see them. Ever.

But no; suddenly asking Americans to watch something incredibly idiotic is too much of a stretch. The same audience that went to see Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Norbit--ON PURPOSE--wouldn't watch Cavemen. And they're back on fucking Geico commercials and they are fucking critiquing the sitcom and now I have to put up with this stupid shit again.

So I guess what I'm saying is... thanks. Thanks, Two and a Half Men audience for suddenly deciding you have taste. Appreciate it.

Occasional Links #2

Becca had this awesome drawing on her blog. One of my favorites. She's also been taking a journey through Wonder Woman episodes (here are the first three) and has an Overlooked Movie post on The Monster Squad.

Via MC comes proof that Paris Hilton has only one facial expression. I guess that explains the tragic grosses of her new movie.

TVSquad: The Top 14 Things That Only Happen on TV

Mental Floss: 8 Weird Theme Parks

Lots more from Cracked: 5 Ways Hollywood Tricks You Into Seeing Bad Movies, If Oscar Acceptance Speeches Told the Truth, The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All Time, 5 Common Body Myths Debunked, and 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science.

JA on one of my favorite weird movies, The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T. He also posts on the meaning of life as seen in The Muppet Movie and has an aptly titled post about Jessica Alba's new pictures. It's just not cool for actresses to appropriate iconic images, especially when there's just no comparison. Jessica Alba will never be an icon. (For some really good comparison shots, Crazy Days and Nights puts the awful Alba pictures next to the real deal, with some good commentary.)

Dr. Monkey unearths illustrations defending George W. Bush's economic policies.

2719 Hyperion has a nifty post about one of my favorite Disney side characters, the Aracuan Bird.

Michael Sporn has some great scans from Bill Peet's book for the Disney cartoon Susie the Little Blue Coupe (two parts).

One more cartoon post: John K. on a great Bob Clampett cartoon, The Hep Cat.

It's about the British education system, but the Guardian has an editorial about the emphasis on self-esteem over education in schools that's very compelling. 7 Signs That You're a Bad Boss

The Onion on a new Oscar for Michael Bay.

Fairlane has two brilliant posts regarding the liberal blogger circle jerk and the Obama hope onslaught.

And I leave you with something I think everyone should read. It's on Cracked, but it's a fairly serious examination of 7 Reasons the 21st Century Is Making You Miserable. It's all just... too true.

New McCain Slogan

I LOVE Michelle Marsh Glittery with Jana Defi

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Pineapple Express Non-Trailer

On Sunday, Mob posted the red-band trailer for Pineapple Express, the new movie from David Gordon Green starring Seth Rogen and James Franco. It looks awesome. I really wanted to see it; and god bless Seth Rogen for coming along and making comedies I actually want to take the trouble to go and see in the theater.

I was going to post the same trailer here, which Mob found on YouTube. However, Sony Entertainment got all pissy about anyone daring to give them free publicity, so the trailer isn't on YouTube anymore. So now I don't want to go see the movie in the theater, since Sony is going to get all pissy about controlling where and how and when I see a fucking commercial. Now I'll probably stay home and wait until it comes out on DVD. And then I'll probably find a way to see it for free. That's what you get for being dicks, Sony. Protect your precious copyright and continue to misunderstand how the internet works for you instead of against you. Well done. You deserve to survive the changing business model.

And yes, I know one man not going to see one movie isn't going to break it at the box office. I don't really give a shit, either. That's how capitalism works; if I protest a company, I don't give them money.

Instead, here's a video of a girl dousing her boobs with water. In slow motion. Obviously NSFW.

Film Week

A review of the films I've seen this past week.

A stunning film, even for the Coen Brothers. How do I begin to describe it? If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. The way the characters move around almost defies plot conventions; Josh Brolin (he's gotten damn good) finds some money and puts himself and everyone else in danger trying to keep it. Tommy Lee Jones is the sheriff powerless to stop the inevitable; Woody Harrelson is the slick smooth-talker trying to contain it. And Javier Bardem, so memorable and magnetic and damn scary, is the unstoppable tide of violence in the world, a relentless killer who is so unreal he's almost like a nightmare. He's the part of the film that stays with you long after viewing; him and the intense, building quiet and the sense of dread. It's an incredible film that's hard to talk about but amazing to experience. **** stars. By the way, it's nice to see between this film and There Will Be Blood that some filmmakers know that silence is more effective and more riveting than constant loud noises. Someone needs to tell that to Michael Bay. They also need to tell him about establishing shots...

Edwige Fenech and a bunch of other girls look beautiful in this giallo film. It's beautiful to look at, but about halfway through I was itching for it to be over. The guy who lives is a total dick. **1/2 stars.

Excellent film that's somehow better than it has a right to be. Freddie Highmore does his best Johnny Depp as a pair of twins in a family that moves into an old house in a forest inhabited by all manner of mythical creatures. The computer animation is beautiful on the creatures. The film has a certain gravity to it; it treats its characters and situations seriously without being precious about it. Some of it is even scary and a little violent; the filmmakers actually do the unthinkable and give children credit for being able to understand and handle the scary stuff. I wasn't sure I'd see another fantasy film that was this good anytime soon, but I'm certainly grateful for this one. And the griffin... man, I've been waiting to see a griffin like that in a movie since I was six years old. I want to go see this one again. **** stars.

So-so Italian horror movie about an American woman who moves into her German husband's castle, which may or may not be haunted by a Nazi-created killer. Christopher Lee co-stars as the curator of the castle's museum. Atmospheric, but very slow. Great final sequence, though. *** stars.

I've tried on four separate occasions in my life to watch this movie, and it's just never going to work for me. I don't know what it is, but halfway through I get very bored and stop paying attention. I'm going to call it **1/2 stars for me and just let it go.

Very smart movie about a reporter (Sally Field) who is manipulated into libeling an innocent man (Paul Newman) who is the son of a dead gangster. A gripping and intelligent movie that creates a complicated situation and manages to solve it without descending into a by-the-numbers thriller in the third act. In fact, the third act is my favorite part, featuring Wilford Brimley as a court official with some great old-fashioned dialogue. Extremely well-written meditation on ethics with some great acting. **** stars.

Jack Lemmon stars as a clothesmaker who is broke, down on his luck, and experiencing a kind of midlife crisis. Pushed to his limits, he begins to consider burning down his own factory for the insurance money. Not much really happens, but it doesn't matter; it's a character study about a desperately unhappy man who thrives on pressure but worries that his best days are behind him and doesn't know where he fits anymore. Jack Lemmon won an Oscar. ***1/2 stars.

Another Open Letter

Dear Makers of The People vs. George Lucas,

Did you ever know that one girl in the neighborhood growing up? The one with that unpredictable, abusive boyfriend? Everyone knew the guy was beating her. He'd drink in public and be a real loudmouth and make trouble, and then she'd go around apologizing for him and telling everyone what a good guy he could be when his head was clear and he wasn't all angry and drunk. "You just don't understand him," she'd tell you. "He has such a good soul inside, he's just going through some trouble right now." But she'd keep showing up with new bruises. Sometimes she'd actually leave him and go home to her mother, but not for very long. He'd buy some flowers or something and she'd go back, even though everyone knew--hell, even she knew--that he was going to get pissed off because there wasn't beer in the fridge one day and beat the hell out of her some more.

You're that girl.

Most Star Wars fans are that girl. Most Star Wars fans that I've known in the past eight or ten years have the same sick, abusive relationship with George Lucas. They don't just hate a movie or are unhappy with it--no, no, their childhoods have been raped! Their precious memories have been sucked straight out of their heads, kicked for a while, burned, and then pissed on! They hate George Lucas for creating something they loved as children, and then not living up to two decades of expectation when they were adults. They cry and moan and complain and call for the death of the creator. They call for his creation to be ripped from his hands and given to people who apparently know better than the man who invented it how it should be handled. But like that abused girl who should learn to love herself instead of loving the way she's reflected in the eyes of another, they keep going back.

And they think not being happy with something and whining about it hurts George Lucas. But hey, you didn't have to give the man your money in the first place, did you, fanboys?

So my real question, makers of The People vs. George Lucas, who are calling for fanboys to make "Leave Britney Alone"-caliber videos pathetically whining about special editions and prequels to compile their movie, thus saving them the trouble of actually making something and finding something complex to say, but at least getting attention for themselves like so many other wannabe-documentarians who are actually just making character pieces, is this: What exactly do you hope to accomplish with this movie? What changes in reality are going to occur because of this movie? What is your point? Is it just to tell George Lucas that you're unhappy with the films and are only going to buy them in six more formats and fourteen more repackagings during your lifetime because you're so outraged? I don't think the guy cares. He's got your money and, frankly, he's going to keep getting more of it. You know it's true. And if that's the whole message, who cares? Sometimes I think the entire internet was invented just so some lonely guy with too much time on his hands could get on message boards and flame some other guy for not being more pissed off that Greedo shot first. This is hardly groundbreaking stuff. So what is your point?

Don't you think it's really past time to move on with your lives? Go contribute something to society.


Watch Those Hands, Chuck

Remember, Prince Charles, that's the girlfriend of the Prime Minister of Mars you're making a move on. You don't want to spark an interplanetary incident.

Miss Portman, however, should feel free to touch Scarlett wherever she wants.