Friday, March 21, 2008

Throwdown 3/21

Random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.

1. Everyone’s heard this already: Dick Cheney, told that a new poll showed 75% of Americans think the Iraq War isn’t worth is, replied: “So?” Let them eat cake if they have no bread, I guess. Or live in tents outside LA. The LA tent-dwellers should just move to the White House lawn. Seriously.

2. M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening is about plants and trees who are sick of mankind ruining the environment and fight back, personally taking out their vengeance on humanity. There, I just saved you fifteen bucks and two pointless hours.

3. Jennifer Lopez unveiled her twins this week, M. Lo and E. Lo. And surprise! They look like babies. So… there you go. I mean, that’s news, right? That's worth six million dollars.

4. Well, I haven’t watched Beowulf (I don’t plan on it), but I did manage to see a picture of Angelina Jolie rendered as Grendel’s mother. When the movie came out last year, critics and bloggers alike were going insane over how good and photorealistic and sexy she looked. I didn’t realize how many people out there were jacking it to action figures, because this thing is plastic and hideous. Motion-capture is never going to be photorealistic; it’s just creepy. Don’t try and layer sex appeal onto it, because it says awful things about you.

5. So, Shia LaBeouf is a fugitive from justice for smoking? Jeez, imagine if he’d done something of any consequence remotely whatsoever. I hope he didn’t mildly curse or something else that doesn’t affect anyone or anything.

6. Oh, great. We’re going to be talking about this Ashley Dupre girl forever, aren’t we? I mean, not you and me, but people with those kinds of gossipy blogs. My favorite part of this is where Muppet-faced douchebag exploitation machine Joe Francis wanted to give her a million dollars to take her clothes off, only to find out he already has hours and hours of footage from when she was eighteen and spent some time on his touring whore party and molestation wagon; she’s already done it all on film for free. Oops, except it turns out she was actually seventeen, which is shocking, since I’m always so sure that Girls Gone Wild’s rigorous legal department must check everyone’s background thoroughly so such things won’t ever happen. Because, you know, I’m sure every girl who’s ever flashed the camera or much, much more on a Girls Gone Wild video is at least eighteen. What I think is funny/embarrassing is just how much people are trying to treat this like some kind of real news story, because we’re still so fascinated by/creepily hung up on people having sex. Hey, people fuck, get over it. They’re not always adults, too. Yes, your kids are having sex, and because you’re so hung up about it, they’re easily exploited. Figure it out.

7. Yes, Kristin Davis, it’s you. Quit saying it isn’t. I’m not saying you have to embrace it, I’m just saying you shouldn’t lie, because it does make people lose respect for you. Hey, you sucked a dick. You took a picture. You obviously enjoyed it. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know why so many people think that taking a picture of yourself naked is so shameful. You know what I think is more shameful? Lying. Come on, Kristin, you still wear the same ring you wear in some of the pictures. Get over yourself.

8. Whoa. John McCain’s daughter is hot. But do you think she’ll be all jowly like he is when she gets old?

9. Cool: sweaters from Supreme with art by Ralph Bakshi based on his controversial film Coonskin (aka Street Fight). Not cool: $88. For a sweater? Pass!

10. MGM, I am ordering you: DO NOT REMAKE THIS MOVIE. I know you’re out of original ideas, but some movies are just too perfect to touch. And yes, this is one of them. Fuck the sequels, fuck the merchandise, fuck your half-assed ideas for rebooting a franchise, MGM. Do not do this. I am warning you.

11. According to this Chinese ad, the reason we haven’t captured Osama bin Laden is because he chews Halls, which shield him from our infrared. Okay... Remember, China is our best bud and, according to the adiministration, no longer a human rights violater.

12. Ack! Heather Locklear is becoming the Creature from the Black Lagoon! Honey, you looked great, you should’ve just grown old gracefully. You've obviously been getting work done for years, but you finally crossed the line. Why do people insist on doing this to themselves? Especially when they're already good-looking?

13. Wow, how about that Heather Mills? Always so decorous and not at all the gold-digger that people have painted her out to be. Hell, she was so pleased to be given a $50 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney instead of the $250 million she demanded that she actually dumped her water out over Paul’s lawyer in court. I mean, it is a shame she didn’t get the rest of the money, considering how much she did to actually earn it herself and all, but at least she made that incredibly believable statement about giving money to charity. I sure hope she finds a way to make do on the $70,000 a year child support agreement she was awarded. That’s not much money; hell, Lindsay Lohan goes through that much in self-tanner in six months (true story, sadly).

14. Unfortunately, if I hit him now, it’s a hate crime. But there’s just something about that eternally “whatever” look on Michael Stipe’s face that’s always made me want to punch him square in the nose. I can’t explain it. It’s something chemical. Dude just pisses me off. Take an interest in something, already. I'm not saying it's rational, I'm just saying it is.

15. Although the reformists are making a surprisingly good showing, hardliners (many opposed to Ahmadinejad’s light touch, scarily enough) are gaining the high ground in Iran’s parliamentary elections. The US is saying that the elections are not free and fair because they don’t offer a wide spectrum of candidates. What is the sound of Dennis Kucinich’s head exploding?

16. Speaking of Iran, it turns out now that Brigadier General Ali Reza Zarei, the moral enforcer who’s been cracking down on women on the Islamic dress code, was arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught at a brothel with six prostitutes. But remember, the West invented decadence. And hypocrisy too, I guess.

17. Sarah Jessica Parker responded to the list Maxim released a while back calling her the unsexiest woman in the world: “Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest woman in the world? Wow! It's kind of shocking... It's so brutal in a way.” She also says it upset her husband, Matthew Broderick: “It upset him because it has to do with his judgment too. It’s condemnation, it’s insane. What can I do? I guess you can't please all people.” Well, Sarah Jessica, I can assure you that, unlike some people in this apartment claim, I’ve always found you pretty sexy. What can you do? I would suggest one thing, darling: stop giving a shit about what Maxim has to say. Because it doesn’t matter and no one really cares.

18. Justin Wright, a new Pixar story artist, died this week of a heart attack. He was only 27 years old. It’s a tragedy; he had heart problems as a kid, and a transplant when he was 12 (the heart was 30 at the time, I’m not sure if that means something, but I would assume it does). Poor guy. Here’s his personal illustration blog. So much promise.

11 comments:

Dr. Zaius said...

Poor Heather Mills. I think that she has not quite gotten what she deserves... a good swift kick!

Manx said...

I've been meaning to thank you for your weekly roundups.

On Fridays, instead of going to my usual news sites on my lunch hour, I just tune in to EC's Throw Down.

It's got my chic, geek, sex and political all in one place. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if M. Night Watermelon has been reading Arthur Machen (after all, Machen wrote a book about animals who are sick of mankind fighting the First World War and fight back, personally taking out their vengeance on humanity.

Tom the Dog said...

I just heard about the RoboCop remake today. Son of a BITCH! Man, you know how much I love that movie (look at my comments icon, for crying out loud!). If they fuck it up with a shitty remake (which surely will miss the entire satirical point of the original in favor of a bunch of crappy quick-cut CGI action), I am going to go on a RAMPAGE.

Not that I'm taking my fandom too seriously or anything.

MC said...

It's going to be a remake... OH FUCK THAT! I thought it was going to be a sequel. Man, that blows!

Anonymous said...

1. I want him dead.
2. Please, no. He needs to be locked in my basement for crimes against entertainment.
3. Awwwww. Screw it. I'm a sucker for babies.
4. Not sexy. Weird. Waxy. Wrong. I'll go watch Gia now, please.
5. "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..." errrr, no.
6. lol @ "Muppet-faced douchebag exploitation machine"
7. Perhaps she'll think it'll ruin her "career". Please, Kristin. The only thing to be embarrassed over is that unkempt nether region of yours.
8. This was a shock... she's purdy as hell. But you're right - will she go jowly like dad or all Alien Grey like mom?
9. $88 bucks? I could get Kristin Davis to blow me for that.
10. "I'd buy that for a dollar!"
11. It is a damn good ad campaign, though.
12. This makes me sad. Very sad.
13. I could care less about this Gold-digging woman. I gotta say, though, as much as I dislike a lot of the things my ex wife did, she never tried to take me to the cleaners.
14. Everybody hurts, Frog. Sometimes.
15. Anytime the US complains about elections not being fair, I tune out.
16. Hehehehehe. Ooops.
17. Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face"? Honeymoon in Vegas, I'd have tapped that like a Maple tree. Now? No thanks. She's like that woman that Jerry dated on Seinfeld, who looked good or bad depending on the light.
18. Wow. I didn't know this. I'd actually been to the blog before, now that I think about it - but didn't know who he was. Sad.

SamuraiFrog said...

Dr. Zaius: Indeed! And, if I may suggest, with her own wooden leg.

Manx: Thank you for saying so! I stopped doing these for a few months, and I kind of missed doing it, so it's nice to know they're appreciated.

Phillip: Well, if M. Night is writing a movie, you can be sure he's been reading or watching something he hopes no one has ever heard of.

Tom the Dog: Hey, RoboCop is one of the great science fiction movies. I'm right there with you.

MC: No, no. The preferred term now is "reboot." Supposedly that sounds better than "remake."

Dane: Yeah, Gia was the high point.

And so was Honeymoon in Vegas, for that matter, but she still does it for me for some reason. When she's not too skinny.

MC said...

Casino Royale was a reboot... every other new version of something is a remake.

Tonio Kruger said...

2. "The Happening"? So now Hollywood is stealing titles from Supremes songs?

And yes, it would be nice to think the movie was inspired by the Arthur Machen story but I suspect the filmmaker is either ripping off Alan Moore's old "Swamp Thing" stories (best case scenario) or watching too many old "Lost in Space" episodes (worst case scenario).

Either way, I'm not interested.

10. I wouldn't argue that "Robocop" was a perfect movie. (Indeed, I hate the original flick the same way you hate Joss Whedon movies.)

But we hardly need another 80s movie remake. If they were intending to adapt Harlan Ellison's "Brillo"--and do it right--I might be interested.

If not, I got better things to spend my money on.

SamuraiFrog said...

MC: Apparently the kids can't process information over 15 years old these days. I'm not really looking forward to a PG-13, humor-and-irony-driven RoboCop.

Tonio: Like I said before, I just think The Happening is an ironic title, considering there usually isn't anything happening in one of his movies.

Megan said...

The kids can process it just fine, if they can just get a goddamn minute to catch up...