An Open Letter to the Editor

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you very much for not considering me as a blogger for your website. I've always enjoyed writing professionally, and my experiences with most online magazines (especially SciFi Now, for which I was paid to review DVDs, and most recently the North Adams Transcript) have generally been very good. I love getting in writing whenever and wherever I can, and in the past I've written for APA zines, other websites, and scholarly literature journals. And, as far as websites that are outcroppings of Mad rip-offs turned Spy rip-offs, I'd have loved to have the opportunity. Too bad the firewall you have won't let any of my emails through and, if you did check out my blog as someone recommended, you couldn't give me the common courtesy of turning me down directly (or as far as I know, at all).

I mean, it's not like you need anything like my Throwdown, since you've already got a weekly round-up feature that is far newer than one of the most popular regular features on my three year-old, 1400 hit a day blog, even though I'm perfectly capable of being paid to do other, similar things. Hell, who isn't ripping everyone else off on the internet these days anyway? I once unconsciously copped nearly an entire post from Josh Becker, so I get how easy it is to do it without thinking.

But ask the people who've worked with me, especially those who worked with me in the world of video or television: I will do anything for cheap entertainment value. And at the same time, I'm smart.See? I've got the glasses to prove it. Look at that whole "Serious Writer" face I'm making. And the kicker is is that I actually write like that! Seriously, the whole pipe thing happened back in 2000, and now it's just a weird good luck thing. So I'm also quirky and a little superstitious, and pointless quirk seems to be all the rage with the kids now. I mean, you can't understand the point of Dane Cook or why people think he's funny, but the kids sure do love him, the little idiots.

People say I'm very intelligentand always up on my pop culturewith a style of reporting that's unique and hard-hitting.And I'm even a polarizing figure. I mean, even the people who profess to like my blog have been apologizing to their own readers for even recommending me by calling me strident, obnoxious, egotistical, opinionated, angry, disparaging, and all sorts of other words, mostly because I'm not afraid to speak my mind and I don't pussyfoot around my opinion just because someone might get offended. Hell, some people who "love" my blog don't even comment unless they're offended by my opinions on some incredibly important topic like what I thought of some piece of shit movie or my need for political candidates to come with ideas and not just a vague half-personality. Why, the very liberals who used to love my blog have mainly stopped coming here because I don't share their every nuance of opinion; hell, one of them even stopped reading my blog because I was a little critical of Israel. And websites need those kinds of polarizing writers, the ones that people will read even though they disagree with everything they say and tritely mistake frankness for some kind of over-the-top anger. It's hilarious and irritating all at the same time!

And besides doing anything for a laugh, I'm a surprisingly friendly guy. I'm a friend to visitorsand animals.And as one of those writers who has character in addition to playing one, I party hard,I rock hard,I science hard,and since people still can't stop making goddamn Star Wars references, I jedi hard, too.I do it all.

For an ugly guy, I clean up fairly welland I'm even willing to do what the kids are into now and put slutty pictures of myself on the internet to prove how much fun I am!Why no, I have absolutely no shame. Life's too short for it. Hell, my shamelessness even goes for shilling; I'm perfectly willing to get paid to endorse a productand I'll even claim to still have integrity afterward.

So, in short, if you know of anyone else who is willing to pay for this kind of inanity, please send them my way, if my blog even made enough of a blip in your busy day for you to ever think about again. I know how it goes; you're busy and I'm giving it away for free. It centers me; it would be nice to get paid for it, too. But there's also the fact that people just get tired of my fucking blog. And I get pretty fucking tired of it, too.

After all, what chance does a clever, funny, intelligent smartass who's cynical about pop culture and politics have in today's job market? That kind of thing is rare and certainly not readily available to anyone with bandwidth and a few advertising dollars, right?

God bless America, Coca-Cola, Mickey Mouse, and guns.Sweet, sweet guns!

Sincerely enough,
SamuraiFrog