Even though I think the British method of making fewer episodes of a TV series is superior to our American method of keeping a show on until the end of time, it's nice to know that the British have their clunkers, too. Last year, I said about the first episode of Hex: "I hope the rest of the series is this good." Oh, what a mad, optimistic fool I was. Because the rest of the series took an interesting premise and failed to do anything good with it, making it one of the most tedious TV shows that only ran for 19 episodes I've ever seen.
Just to warn you, I will start spoiling the plot here.
Hex began with a decent enough storyline: Cassie (the lovely Christina Cole) is a boarding school student who discovers she's a witch destined to give birth to the Antichrist, and is pursued by Azazeal (a rather dull Michael Fassbender), the leader of the Nephilim, or Fallen Angels, who is going to be the father. A sort of Buffy with more sexual tension, Hex was enjoyable for a while, mostly due to the efforts of the stunning and wonderful Jemima Rooper, who played Thelma Bates, the ghost of Cassie's ritualistically-murdered lesbian roommate.
Now, the original six-episode series ends with Cassie trying to abort her baby, only to discover that Azazeal has rescued the hellspawn child and taken him away. The second series begins with the arrival of a new transfer student, Ella Dee (Laura Pyper), who is actually an immortal, the daughter of John Dee, and a Nephilim hunter whose mission is to kill Malachi, Cassie's son (who, of course, rapidly ages until he's school aged and, it must be said, an insouciant prick played by Joseph Beattie). Through the course of an ultimately punishing 13 episodes, Ella will fall in and out of and back in love with Leon Tyler (Jamie Davis, surprisingly likeable both here and as Harley on seasons 3 and 4 of Footballers' Wives), a student whom she lets into her confidence. Of course, in a bland and lamely unoriginal twist, she also falls in love with Malachi, and therefore has problems bringing herself to do her duty.
Quite simply, the major problem is that the second series goes on for far too long. It drags out to 13 episodes what it really only needed 7 to do. I like that the second series widens the scope of the conflict (bringing in characters like the Nephilim Mephistophelees and the Archangel Raphael, as well as making Leon a part of it and providing and interesting storyline for Amber Sainsbury's Roxanne Davenport to go through a genuine change of heart, from popular bitch to reformed puritan), but it goes on and on and on until it's not even close to fun anymore.
Adding to this are two essential problems.
The first is both the character Ella Dee and the actress who plays her, Laura Pyper.
Pyper begins the series as cold, sexy, and directed. The second she steps away from that characterization and begins to doubt her mission, the series is doomed. Ella goes from directed to confused to directed to confused to just whiny and, finally, smug and whiny. It's a disheartening change, and it's an obvious cliche. She's intrigued by Malachi, and finds herself conflicted between him and Leon. Malachi is just like her--immortal, removed, and cold. Ella has no qualms about using Cassie or Thelma or Leon to achieve her ends; even though, at times, she can't be arsed to achieve them at all. See, somebody thought it would be a brilliant idea to kill off Cassie partway into the second series, leaving Ella, Thelma, and Leon to carry the whole thing. And while Leon and Thelma are up to the task, Ella just becomes a joyless chore to watch. Half the time you just want to slap her in the face for being either too emotional or not emotional at all. Pick one, please, just to make this damn show a little more watchable!
The other problem is less the show's fault and more the fault of BBC America and the way they aired the show here. For whatever reason, they aired the first series of Hex, plus half of the second season, and claimed it was one season (I already bitched about this last year). The second half has just finished airing, and it meanders on and on and on, especially since we've been dropped right into the middle of the story.
The only bright spot, after a while, is the brightest spot the series has always had: Jemima Rooper.
Through the whole series, she remains nothing less than a joy to watch. Thelma's the one character on the show who's not reduced to whining and trying to justify things in larger terms of good and evil. She knows she can be a bit of a selfish twat, but it's only because she cares about being happy--something she never gets to be. In fact, every time Thelma even approaches happiness, the show pulls it away from her.
Thelma notwithstanding, I looked forward to the show less and less every week, just waiting for it to finally be over. And, now, it is. To my surprise and annoyance, the final episode ends by not resolving very much at all and setting up a third series which will never come, as the show was cancelled. It's astounding how quickly this show went from good to terrible.
Still, thank whomever needs to be thanked for Jemma Rooper!
I do love her. There's a website devoted to her here that I took this last screencap from. She's absolutely wonderful, and elevates this show far above what it deserves.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
TV Report: So Glad That Hex Is Over
It's Illegal
Someone who may or may not wish to remain nameless thought I would enjoy this. He or she was right!
Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch 1963-2007
Naval legend and cereal sales mascot Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, affecionately known and beloved by millions as "Cap'n Crunch," was killed this week by a combination of misguided good intentions, weasley advertising schemes, and general lazy parenting.
In this day and age, where kids are supposedly fatter than they've ever been, parents continue to blame sugared cereals, fast food, and colorful ad mascots for the rotundity of their children, rather than the obvious culprit: lazy parenting. With the decision to cave in to pressure groups ("It just makes sense if we want to continue making a ton of money for putting sugar on oats and shit," said adman Radley Phuqwitt), it has been sadly reported that advertising mascots in animated commercials will no longer be needed. Sadly, it is the advertising industry, the very same that gave birth to the Cap'n, that has now killed him.
For nearly five decades, Cap'n Crunch was a Saturday morning icon. His adventures aboard his ship, the S.S. Guppy, often featured his attempts to bring flavor to the lives of dull children while keeping his precious recipe safe from his nemesis, Jean LaFoote the Barefoot Pirate, and saving kids from getting sogged by Soggies.
Oddly, LaFoote was one of many cartoon characters who attended the funeral. "All is forgiven," he said in his over-the-top French accent. "I never held any malice toward him. I felt we respected each other as adversaries. I don't know what purpose my life has without him now..."
Others who attended the funeral include other recently laid off cartoon mascots, such as Tony the Tiger ("I only wanted to help kids succeed at sports!"), a nervous and jacked up Trix Rabbit, and a surprisingly serene Toucan Sam. "Kids don't need me anymore," he says. "The hipsters have their ironic tee shirts. And kids will always know to follow their nose... I'm only sad that it had to end in the death of another one of our colleagues."
The sad news reached the world recently when the S.S. Guppy was finally found near the island of Volcanica; it is assumed that Crunch was making another trip to the Crunchlings to get more Crunchium. Alas, it was not to be. "At first, I thought the Cap'n had gone on another one of his trips," said old friend Professor Dewey Livettnhow, discoverer of Crunchium and author of the Periodic Breakfast Table of Elements, referring to Crunch's "disappearances" in 1985 and 1999. "Now it seems as though he was returning to Volcanica one last time to see the Crunchlings and perhaps retire from adventuring and spreading the word about Cap'n Crunch cereal."
Crunch was preceded in death by the crew of the Guppy--Alfie, Carlyle, Dave, Brunhilde, and Seadog--as well as his former fiancee Magnolia Bulkhead, and friends Smedley the Elephant, Harry S. Hippo, Wilma the Winsome White Whale, Chockle the Blob, and the Crunchberry Beast. He is survived by his unforgettable image, which will ghoulishly be used on cereal boxes for countless decades to come.
Crunch was laid to rest this morning at the Quaker Oats home offices in Chicago, Illinois. As a sign of respect, he was placed in the same crypt as the late King Vitamin.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Throwdown 7/27
15 random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.
1. I can’t believe Weekly World News is finally suspending publication. Is there finally something in America that’s too stupid for people?
2. Wait, maybe not: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry was the number one movie last weekend. And you wonder how George W. Bush was elected twice? Adam Sandler could take a shit for eighty minutes and people would still go see it.
3. Speaking of that stupid movie… The only thing I liked in the preview was, of course, Jessica Biel. Now, as I’ve said, Biel is not the kind of actress you see a movie for. I love her, but I won’t watch a movie just because she’s in it (which, if you follow my way of thinking here, makes her a less talented actor than Jenny McCarthy, Brittany Murphy, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Tori Spelling). Anyway, I will never forget seeing her gorgeous bod in the preview wearing only her underwear. Meanwhile, she’s decided to go the “I’m afraid to truly act” route by refusing to do nudity. They never recognize the idiot irony of selling a movie with their scantily clad body and still refusing to do nudity… Biel says: “I'm sure I've lost some roles because I don't do it. The other day I read a script that required some nudity, something topless. It's probably going to be a great movie but I just don't want to do it.” Yes, Biel. I’ve seen your acting and I’m certain the nudity is why you’re not getting great roles. It must be that. No, I’m not being sarcastic, this is just a speech impediment.
4. Speaking of sucky movies, I just can’t work up any enthusiasm for this Watchmen adaptation. Sure, I liked 300 quite a bit, but I don’t need to see the same director tackle anything, you know, smart. As I’ve said before, I’m not inherently against the idea of a Watchmen movie—in fact, I think it could be done. But the recent casting of 29 year-old Malin Akerman as the Silk Spectre just kind of says to me that Zach Snyder has no idea what the story is actually about. Which is funny, because he’s proven himself so gutless when it comes to trying to keep the story set in 1986, so that the movie will be about eighties politics when, given the current climate, it could so easily be updated with virtually no change (Jesus, just swap Nixon for Reagan). But the casting of younger and younger actors… I don’t think he really gets the point. Another movie for me to skip.
5. Zac Efron is going to be in a remake of Footloose. Dude, is it me, or does Zac Efron really suck? I saw him interviewed on Disney Channel the other day, and he really seemed to think he was someone very important because a bunch of kids with no taste love him. Ew. The little jerk doesn’t even do his own singing!
6. Kim Kardashian is going to pose for Playboy, but fully clothed. Because her perfect little body is just too important to share with just anyone. Apparently she’s forgotten that we’ve all seen her getting ridden like a scooter already.
There, now it’s old news.
7. Anne Hathaway at her Becoming Jane premiere. Just because I think she’s beautiful and, apparently, that’s what passes for news on other blogs. Isn’t it, Egotastic? Oh, wait, you want a story, too? How about that Scott Baio was trying to wrangle an invitation to the after-party to hang out with Miss Hathaway, only to be turned down by organizers? It’s somehow creepy, sad, and pathetic all at once.
8. The Sun thinks it’s newsworthy that some guy thinks this cloud formation looks like Amy Winehouse. BFD, I’ve seen lots of things that resemble Amy Winehouse: piles of dirty clothes, carpet stains, collies. I once thought I saw a ratty homeless woman in a pool of her own vomit outside of a trailer park that looked like Amy Winehouse, but it turned out that actually was Amy Winehouse.
9. Seth McFarlane has announced that he’s thinking up a storyline for a Family Guy movie. Honestly, I didn’t think it would take him this long to announce his intention to copy The Simpsons yet again…
10. I still have faith in my Hilary Duff. Still, there’s something kind of lame in watching an otherwise self-assured young woman get led around by the hand by an undeserving douchebag. More shit that makes me not want to have daughters.
11. I’m just not feeling this. This is the teaser poster for that nameless J.J. Abrams movie that everyone is going crazy over. Fanboys everywhere are trying to dissect this movie to figure out what it is (a lot of people seem to think it has something to do with Godzilla; good luck with that). It seems to have something to do with monsters, even though the preview doesn’t show anything but some explosions and roars off in the distance. The thing is, I don’t consider J.J. Abrams remotely talented, so this doesn’t really excite me. My own opinion is that this is one giant tease, and so is the movie. That this is about what it’s like to be on the outskirts of some kind of crisis, and you won’t get to see anything at all. That it’s going to be like United 93--completely emotionless and uninteresting, faux-documentary garbage (the trailer screams Blair Witch Project, once again assuming that footage filmed on a camcorder held by an epileptic monkey is “interesting” and “energetic” as opposed to “unwatchable” and “vertiginous”), and the second I register dislike, someone will come along bellowing “It’s supposed to be bad and boring, that’s how entertainment is in Post-9/11 AmericaTM!!!!” Funny how the only meaningful way Americans can deal with a crisis is when Hollywood uses it to sell mugs and mousepads… Anyway, that’s my own opinion. What I was actually going to say was this: I don’t like the poster. Why is the poor Statue of Liberty, one of our country’s monuments, always desecrated like this? Not that I’m squeamish or sensitive or anything, but aren’t we over taking our national identity and giddily destroying it to make America seem imperiled in $200 million B movies? It’s completely meaningless and, after the World Trade Center, a little tasteless. I guess the real comment on post-9/11 disaster movies is that, even though thousands of people may die, similar situations are good popcorn entertainment. I guess Hollywood should just be happy that Osama bin Laden has given their movies a little verisimilitude they otherwise wouldn’t have had. Wow, this item has just gotten away from me.
12. This is how slow the news is right now: for the last eight or seventy-four weeks or something, it’s been news that David Beckham and his insect robot alien wife are coming to live in America. This story actually gives me a lot of faith in people: no matter how much the media keeps trying to convince them that this is a newsworthy event, people just keep ignoring it. Some days your faith in people pays off. Anyway, the latest “news” is that Tom Cruise is going to throw them a huge party. Why is Tom Snooze always sniffing around these idiots? Can’t he just corner Becks in a bathroom stall and blow him like he obviously wants so very, very badly?
13. I can’t believe how much this Paula Abdul thing is being blown out of proportion. This video clip (I saw it at Bulletproof Bracelets) is sad, really pathetic footage of her breaking down and crying when she finds out she’s not going to be doing all of this stuff for the Bratz movie. Clearly, she’s been told that her participation in the project is no longer required. And while her assistants try not to laugh at her, she goes on about how she doesn’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Because she obviously thinks she’s the most special person in the world and thinks that bad things happen to her have to be so much more than they are. And now, all of a sudden, she’s going around saying she wasn’t fired, that she chose not to do it because she was so busy filming American Idol, as well as her reality show, which is supposed to document her working, anyway. So, who are we supposed to believe? I mean, she was pretty clearly fired, it’s right there. What the fuck? It seems to me that this is a pretty bald-faced lie. Whomever the editor of her reality show is, he clearly hates her whining and loves to show her in the worst light. But those are her own words in the clip, aren’t they? “I’m getting an email that basically says they really don’t need me…” “I get screwed over so much…” *Sigh* Where’s God when you need him? Where?!
14. Okay, I’m going to break my silence on Lindsay Lohan once more--and, sadly, 90% of the news I’ve seen this week has been about her--because I’ve been hearing the stories about how some people think she’s a closeted lesbian, and that being kept in the closet is what’s making her act out. See, depending on whom you read, it’s either society’s fault or the fault of her mom/manager/guy jacking it to her in Maxim’s fault that she’s self-destructing, not her fault. I don’t like this as an excuse for her pitiful, demented, idiotic behavior—I don’t think we should have to excuse her behavior just because she’s misunderstood and unhappy. She can either just come the fuck out already (there are a lot of gay actors whose careers are doing just fine) or act like a decent human being. She’s made her choices, and she’s made them stupidly, and that’s her bad judgment, not ours or anyone else’s. Look at Kelly Clarkson. There are lots of rumors that she’s a lesbian and that her label doesn’t want her to come out (because, what, it ruined Melissa Etheridge?), and you don’t see her trying to run people down with cars and carrying cocaine everywhere, do you? Just look at this picture. How do you feel sympathy for that? She laughs at your laws, lies to you constantly because she thinks you’re dumb, and now I’m supposed to believe it’s not because she’s self-centered, but because she’s not allowed to be a lesbian? Please. Lindsay Lohan either needs to get a life, get a brain, or finally go away and die.
15. And the same goes for Dina Lohan, her cold-hearted opportunist of a mother. How pathetic is it that her oldest child has been 21 for less than a month, and already she’s been in rehab twice? Dina Lohan pulled herself away from a three-way with a couple of frat boys long enough to send an email to her precious Access Hollywood expressing her anger over a bit Jay Leno did where Rob Schneider pretended to be Lindsay Lohan. Dina is pissed because Leno “chose to allow a guest to make light of a very serious situation.” Yeah, her daughter getting high, going crazy and stalking someone is indeed a very serious situation, just not in the way Dina thinks. America’s #1 Mom goes on to say “this is a very personal and private matter” and that she wants to get her daughter “the help that she needs.” She also says that this “will make our family stronger.” Wow, by now the Lohans should be the strongest family in America, because every week it’s more of the same shit. Here’s what pisses me off: this is all about the self-centered and self-destructive behavior of one person, but Dina is always obsessed with making it so much more epic. Like when she ends by saying: “Our thoughts and prayers go out to all families who have had to see a family member through tough times.” She acts like this is some kind of epidemic or communicable disease that’s going around through society; basically, she’s not only absolved herself of any guilt over her terrible parenting, but also absolved Lindsay of guilt over her terrible judgment. It’s somehow the fault of society at large and some idiot compulsion Lindsay has to destroy herself before she turns 23. Sorry, Dina, it’s really not a “personal and private matter” because Lindsay keeps throwing it in our face any chance she has. You two did everything you could to chase down celebrity, and now that you have it, it’s gotten out of your control. Deal with it. You idiots can choose to change or not. Don’t get pissed off at us because you’re pathetic. Get a life.
Wassup Links
Look at this! Penelope Cruz has a hot sister named Monica. Nice. Very nice. Spanish sisters... I wonder if I can go and teach English in Spain after I count off the links of the week...
* Cracked: From Cromulent to Craptacular: The Top 12 Simpsons-Created Words
* Apropos of Something lists 25 great Simpsons supporting characters.
* Man vs. Clown! has a critical opinion on a ribald email.
* The Quig Spot lists the ten most annoying kid actors... although I like at least four of them.
* The Huffington Post on how the New York Times bestseller list has become an op-ed section.
* No Smoking in the Skullcave: Harry Potter and the Extra Long Post
* Cracked: 6 Movie Formulas That Must Be Stopped
* Lady, That's My Skull: Bad Advice from Comic Books
* Splotchy goes to see Hostel II.
* Exquisitely Bored in Nacogdoches on another Beatles song I like.
* Roger Ebert and Clive Barker on whether or not video games are art.
* The Absorbascon with the National Periodicals Table of Story Elements.
* Johnny Yen has an excellent and lovely picture of my city.
* Bubs looks at a future I want in on.
I just read that Tori Spelling became an ordained minister. She can marry people! I think I need to get Tori to officiate my wedding because, well, that would just be too weird and cool. That would be my equivalent of having a theme wedding.
* Bulletproof Bracelets has a quote that I agree with. I keep wondering what happened to those little dogs everyone used to carry around...
* Ken Levine has some choice words for Barry Bonds.
* Jess Wundrun has the same problem with email forwards that I do.
* Johnny Yen contemplates the lessons of Lyndon Johnson.
* The Last Visible Blog on doing the right thing.
* The Rude Pundit on the Positive Politics of Shame: here, here, here, and here.
* Sadly, No!: 10 Hilarious Rules for Dating Doug Giles's Daughters (via Infidel753).
* Dr. Zaius on the impeachment of Dick Cheney (he makes lots of good and reasoned points I must agree with).
* Dr. Monkey on the ways George W. Bush tries to silence dissent.
500 Faves
directed by Don Bluth; starring Elizabeth Hartman, Derek Jacobi, Dom DeLuise, Petert Strauss
"You can unlock any door, if you only have the key."377. Seven Samurai (1954)
directed by Akira Kurosawa; starring Takashi Shimura, Toshiro Mifune, Yoshio Inaba, Seiji Miyaguchi
"This is the nature of war. By protecting others, you save yourselves."378. 1776 (1972)
directed by Peter H. Hunt; starring William Daniels, Howard da Silva, Ken Howard, Donald Madden
"Revolutions come into this world like bastard children, Mr. Dickinson: half improvised and half compromised."379. The Seventh Seal (1957)
directed by Ingmar Bergman; starring Max Von Sydow, Bengt Ekerot, Nils Poppe, Bibi Andersson
"Faith is a torment. It is like loving someone who is out there in the darkness but never appears, no matter how loudly you call."380. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)
directed by Nathan Juran; starring Kerwin Mathews, Kathryn Grant, Richard Eyer, Torin Thatcher
"May Allah grant we find food and water." "And may Allah grant we find nothing else."381. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
directed by Edgar Wright; starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, Bill Nighy
"As Bertrand Russell once said, the only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation. I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now." "Was that on a beer mat?" "Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold." "I won't say anything." "Thanks."382. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
directed by Frank Darabont; starring Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, Clancy Brown, Bob Gunton
"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."383. A Simple Plan (1998)
directed by Sam Raimi; starring Bill Paxton, Billy Bob Thornton, Bridget Fonda, Brent Briscoe
"Do you ever feel evil?"384. Sin City (2005)
directed by Robert Rodriguez & Frank Miller; starring Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Rosario Dawson
"Will that bring you satisfaction, my son? Killing a helpless old fart?" "Killing? No. No satisfaction. Everything up until the killing will be a gas."385. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
directed by Stanley Donen & Gene Kelly; starring Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Conner, Jean Hagen
"I said some awful things that night, didn't I?" "No. I deserved them. But I must admit I was hurt by them. So hurt in fact that I haven't been able to think about anything but you ever since."386. Sirens (1994)
directed by John Duigan; starring Sam Neill, Hugh Grant, Tara Fitzgerald, Elle Macpherson
"I am an artist, and I refuse to be compromised by the feeble scruples of the public."387. The Skeleton Dance (1929)
directed by Ub Iwerks
388. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
directed by Kerry Conran; starring Jude Law, Gwnyeth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Bai Ling
"I missed you. Thanks for saving my life today, by the way." "Oh, were you down there?"389. SLC Punk! (1998)
directed by James Merendino; starring Matthew Lillard, Michael A. Goorjian, Annabeth Gish, Jennifer Lien
"In a country of lost souls, rebellion comes hard. But in a religiously oppressive city, where half it's population isn't even of that religion, it comes like fire."390. Sleeper (1973)
directed by Woody Allen; starring Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, John Beck, Mary Gregory
"Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?" "Right." "So then, what do you believe in?" "Sex and death, two things that come once in a lifetime... but at least after death, you're not nauseous."391. Sleuth (1972)
directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz; starring Laurence Olivier, Michael Caine
"Wit in the face of adversity! Good! You've learned something from the English."392. Small Change (1976)
directed by Francois Truffaut; starring Nicole Felix, Chantal Mercier, Jean-Francois Stevenin, Virginie Thevenet
"I'm hungry!"393. Small Soldiers (1998)
directed by Joe Dante; starring Gregory Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Phil Hartman, Tommy Lee Jones
"His battery has run out, but his memory will keep going, and going, and going."394. Smiles of a Summer Night (1955)
directed by Ingmar Bergman; starring Ulla Jacobsson, Eva Dahlbeck, Harriet Andersson, Margit Carlqvist
"Why don't you write your memoirs?" "My dear daughter, I was given this estate for promising not to write my memoirs."395. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
directed by David Hand; starring Adriana Caselotti, Lucille La Verne, Pinto Colvig, Roy Atwell
"I'm awfully sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. But you don't know what I've been through. And all because I was afraid. I'm so ashamed of the fuss I made."396. Son of Godzilla (1967)
directed by Jun Fukuda; starring Tadao Takashima, Akira Kubo, Bibari Maeda, Akihiko Hirata
"It's teaching its son all right. And, he's teaching its son like normal people would, just like a papa." "Well, it is a papa, isn't it?" "Well sure, but I wouldn't want one like that."397. Sophie’s Choice (1982)
directed by Alan J. Pakula; starring Meryl Streep, Kevin Kline, Peter MacNicol, Rita Karin
"Don't you see, Sophie? We're dying."398. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
directed by Trey Parker; starring Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman, Isaac Hayes
"See, it doesn't hurt anyone! Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck."399. Spartacus (1960)
directed by Stanley Kubrick; starring Kirk Douglas, Jean Simmons, Laurence Olivier, Tony Curtis
"You and I have a tendency towards corpulence. Corpulence makes a man reasonable, pleasant and phlegmatic. Have you noticed the nastiest of tyrants are invariably thin?"400. Spellbound (1945)
directed by Alfred Hitchcock; starring Gregory Peck, Ingrid Bergman, Michael Chekhov, Leo G. Carroll
"Good night and sweet dreams... which we'll analyze in the morning."Thursday, July 26, 2007
500 Faves
directed by Walter Murch; starring Fairuza Balk, Nicol Williamson, Jean Marsh, Brian Henson
"If his brain's ran down, how can he talk?" "It happens to people all the time, Jack."352. Rhapsody Rabbit (1946)
directed by Friz Freleng
"Who...? Franz Liszt? Never heard of him... Wrong number."353. Ride the High Country (1962)
directed by Sam Peckinpah; starring Joel McCrea, Randolph Scott, Ron Starr, Mariette Hartley
"All I want is to enter my house justified."354. The Right Stuff (1983)
directed by Phil Kaufman; starring Ed Harris, Scott Glenn, Dennis Quaid, Fred Ward
"There was a demon that lived in the air. They said whoever challenged him would die. Their controls would freeze up, their planes would buffet wildly, and they would disintegrate. The demon lived at Mach 1 on the meter, seven hundred and fifty miles an hour, where the air could no longer move out of the way. He lived behind a barrier through which they said no man could ever pass. They called it the sound barrier."355. River of No Return (1954)
directed by Otto Preminger; starring Robert Mitchum, Marilyn Monroe, Rory Calhoun, Tommy Rettig
"One thing about this: the longer you last, the less you care."356. The Road Warrior (1981)
directed by George Miller; starring Mel Gibson, Bruce Spence, Vernon Wells, Virginia Hey
"Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You want to get out of here? You talk to me."357. Rob Roy (1995)
directed by Michael Caton-Jones; starring Liam Neeson, Jessica Lange, Tim Roth, Brian Cox
"Think of yourself a scabbard, Mistress McGregor, and I the sword. And a fine fit you were, too." "I will think on you dead, until my husband makes you so. And then I will think on you no more."358. RoboCop (1987)
directed by Paul Verhoeven; starring Peter Weller, Kurtwood Smith, Nancy Allen, Ronny Cox
"Nice shooting, son. What's your name?" "Murphy."359. Rock ‘n’ Roll High School (1979)
starring P.J. Soles, Dey Young, Mary Woronov, The Ramones
"Things sure have changed since we got kicked out of high school."360. Rocky (1976) and Rocky II (1979)
directed by John G. Avildsen and Sylvester Stallone; starring Sylvester Stallone, Burgess Meredith, Talia Shire, Burt Young
"Ain't gonna be no rematch." "Don't want one."361. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
directed by Jim Sharman; starring Tim Curry, Barry Bostwick, Susan Sarandon, Richard O'Brien
"I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey."362. Rollerball (1975)
directed by Norman Jewison; starring James Caan, John Houseman, Maud Adams, John Beck
"The game was created to demonstrate the futility of individual effort."363. Rope (1948)
directed by Alfred Hitchcock; starring James Stewart, John Dall, Farley Granger, Cedric Hardwicke
"The good Americans usually die young on the battlefield, don't they? Well, the Davids of this world merely occupy space, which is why he was the perfect victim for the perfect murder. Course he, uh, he was a Harvard undergraduate. That might make it justifiable homicide."364. Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book (1994)
directed by Stephen Sommers; starring Jason Scott Lee, Lena Heady, Sam Neill, Cary Elwes
"I think a man lucky who could count you as a friend."365. The Rules of Attraction (2002) directed by Roger Avary; starring James Van Der Beek, Kip Pardue, Shannyn Sossamon, Jessica Biel
"I only had sex with her because I'm in love with you."366. Run Lola Run (1998)
directed by Tom Tykwer; starring Franka Potente, Moritz Bleibtreu, Herbert Knaup, Nina Petri
"Nach dem Spiel ist vor dem Spiel."367. Running Time (1997)
directed by Josh Becker; starring Bruce Campbell, Jeremy Roberts, Anita Barone, Stan Davis
"I'm not stupid. I'm smart." "Oh yeah, you're smart! You failed every fucking class! You were in remedial everything! You flunked fucking gym!"368. The Samurai Trilogy (Musashi Miyamoto, 1954; Duel at Ichijoji Temple, 1955; Duel at Ganryu Island, 1956)
directed by Hiroshi Inagaki; starring Toshiro Mifune, Rentaro Mikuni, Koji Tsuruta, Michiko Saga
"The way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death."369. Sanjuro (1962)
directed by Akira Kurosawa; starring Toshiro Mifune, Tatsuya Nakadai, Keiju Kobayashi, Yuzo Kayama
"He was exactly like me. A naked sword. He didn't stay in his sheath."370. Scarlet Diva (2000)
directed by Asia Argento; starring Asia Argento, Jean Shepard, Herbert Fritsch, Gianluca Arcopinto
"I am the loneliest girl in the world." "How sad." "It's not sad, it's just how it is."371. Schindler’s List (1993)
directed by Steven Spielberg; starring Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Kingsley, Embeth Davidtz
"I pardon you."372. School of Rock (2003)
directed by Richard Linklater; starring Jack Black, Joan Cusack, Mike White, Sarah Silverman
"In the words of AC/DC: We roll tonight to the guitar bite, and for those about to rock... I salute you."373. Seal Island (1948)
directed by James Algar
374. The Searchers (1956)
directed by John Ford; starring John Wayne, Jeffrey Hunter, Natalie Wood, Ward Bond
"Let's go home, Debbie."375. The Secret Garden (1993)
directed by Agnieszka Holland; starring Maggie Smith, Kate Maberly, Heydon Prowse, Andrew Knott
"If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden."You Mean It's Real?
I have to confess, when I first heard about the Creation Museum, I thought it was a joke.
Yes, in the state of Kentucky (small "s," because Kentucky is more of a mindset than a place), some geniuses have set up their answer to decade upon decade of scientific testing and theory: the Creation Museum. Where kids can learn the "truth" that humankind lived side by side with the dinosaurs, and despite all of that pesky geological evidence, the Earth is merely 6000 years old.
Seriously, I heard a few people mention it, and I thought, No, this can't be real. No one would actually do something that hilariously stupid. Whatever their personal beliefs are, no one would be that willing to make themselves look like a total asshole.
Once again, I have underestimated creationists. They're never afraid to look at scientific proof and simply shrug as though it didn't exist. Especially in the face of a fervent belief which there is absolutely no proof for. This is the kind of logic that gets us involved in a civil war in Iraq.
Anyway, there's a keen little walkthrough at Answers in Genesis, a similarly hilarious bunch with no concept of reality. But I prefer the journey here at Faggoty-Ass Faggot. He's got better pictures. Like this one.
Yeah, I'm so glad the truth is finally out there...
Honestly, the only other surprise here is that the "museum" is in Kentucky and not in some guy's garage in Texas. Texas, by the way, just appointed a creationist (who says teaching opinion as fact is a crime, but doesn't realize teaching religion as science is unconstitutional) as the head of their Board of Education.
And so dreams of a progressive, reasonable United States keeping sliding back.
UPDATE: Infidel753 points out a great post on BlueGrassRoots. You should read this one, too.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
500 Faves
directed by Jane Campion; starring Holly Hunter, Harvey Keitel, Anna Paquin
"At night, I think of my piano in its ocean grave, and sometimes of myself floating above it. Down there everything is so still and silent that it lulls me to sleep. It is a weird lullaby and so it is; it is mine."327. Pinocchio (1940)
directed by Hamilton Luske & Ben Sharpsteen; starring Cliff Edwards, Dickie Jones, Christian Rub, Evelyn Venable
"A lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face."328. Planet of the Apes (1968)
directed by Franklin J. Schaffner; starring Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans
"Beware the beast man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death."329. Platoon (1986)
directed by Oliver Stone; starring Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, Charlie Sheen, Forest Whitaker
"I can't believe we're fighting each other, when we should be fighting them."330. Point Blank (1967)
directed by John Boorman; starring Lee Marvin, Angie Dickinson, Keenan Wynn, Carroll O'Connor
"Fairfax isn't going to give you anything. He's finished. Fairfax is dead. He just doesn't know it yet."331. Poltergeist (1982)
directed by Tobe Hooper; starring Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams, Heather O'Rourke, Zelda Rubinstein
"Now clear your minds. It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don't give it any help, it knows too much already."332. Porco Rosso (1993)
directed by Hayao Miyazaki; starring (English version) Michael Keaton, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Susa Egan, Cary Elwes
"A pig that doesn't fly is just a pig."333. The Prince of Egypt (1998)
directed by Simon Wells, Brenda Chapman & Steve Hickner; starring Val Kilmer, Ralph Fiennes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sandra Bullock
"And there shall be a great cry in all of Egypt, such as there never has been or ever will be again!"334. The Princess Bride (1987)
directed by Rob Reiner; starring Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."335. Princess Mononoke (1997)
directed by Hayao Miyazaki; starring (English version) Billy Crudup, Claire Danes, Minnie Driver, Billy Bob Thornton
"What exactly are you here for?" "To see with eyes unclouded by hate."336. The Producers (1968)
directed by Mel Brooks; starring Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder, Kenneth Mars, Lee Meredith
"I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!"337. Pulp Fiction (1994)
directed by Quentin Tarantino; starring John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Uma Thurman
"I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."338. The Quiet Man (1952)
directed by John Ford; starring John Wayne, Maureen O'Hara, Victor McLaglen, Ward Bond
"Is this a courting or a donnybrook? Have the good manners not to hit the man until he's your husband and entitled to hit you back."339. Quills (2000)
directed by Philip Kaufman; starring Geoffrey Rush, Joaquin Phoenix, Michael Caine, Kate Winslet
"In order to know virtue, we must acquaint ourselves with vice. Only then can we know the true measure of a man."340. The Rabbit of Seville (1950)
directed by Chuck Jones
"Ooh, wait 'till I get that wabbit!"341. Radio Days (1987)
directed by Woody Allen; starring Mia Farrow, Dianne Wiest, Julie Kavner, Michael Tucker
"For some miraculous reason, it's a wonderful feeling having a teacher you've seen dance naked in front of a mirror."342. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
directed by Steven Spielberg; starring Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Paul Freeman, Denholm Elliott
"You're not the man I knew ten years ago." "It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."343. The Rapture (1991)
directed by Michael Tolkin; starring Mimi Rogers, David Duchovny, Patrick Bauchau, Will Patton
"God is like a drug. But instead of too much heroin, you're taking too much God."344. Rasputin, the Mad Monk (1966)
directed by Don Sharp; starring Christopher Lee, Barbara Shelley, Richard Pasco, Francis Matthews
"When I go to confession I don't offer God small sins, petty squabbles, jealousies... I offer him sins worth forgiving!"345. Real Life (1979)
directed by Albert Brooks; starring Albert Brooks, Charles Grodin, Frances Lee McCain, Harry Shearer
"I think we're very much alike. See that's why we can get into these kind of debates. I think you'd be surprised at much alike we really are." "I'd be more than surprised. I'd be suicidal."346. Rear Window (1954)
directed by Alfred Hitchcock; starring James Stewart, Grace Kelly, Raymond Burr, Thelma Ritter
"Jeff, you know if someone came in here, they wouldn't believe what they'd see? You and me with long faces plunged into despair because we find out a man didn't kill his wife. We're two of the most frightening ghouls I've ever known."347. Red Dust (1932)
directed by WS Van Dyke; starring Clark Gable, Jean Harlow, Mary Astor, Gene Raymond
"Don't you think I could be happy?" "Would you mind if I made it my job to see that you are?"348. The Red Shoes (1948)
directed by Michael Powell & Emeric Pressburger; starring Anton Walbrook, Moira Shearer, Marius Goring, Leonide Massine
"Don't forget, a great impression of simplicity can only be achieved by great agony of body and spirit."349. Reservoir Dogs (1992)
directed by Quentin Tarantino; starring Harvey Keitel, Michael Madsen, Tim Roth, Steve Buscemi
"If you get a customer, or an employee, who thinks he's Charles Bronson, take the butt of your gun and smash their nose in."350. Restoration (1995)
directed by Michael Hoffman; starring Robert Downey Jr, Sam Neill, Meg Ryan, Polly Walker
"The plague is coming, Merivel."Film Week
A review of the films I've seen this past week.
FEAR (1996)
Meh. It's dumber and more hysterical than your average horror movie based on a deep-rooted terror of teenagers having sex, so it's kind of more fun than these movies usually are. It's still kind of stupid, plus it has Marky Mark, the eternally annoying Reese Witherspoon (back when she was still hot), and Alyssa Milano pretending that we still believe she's a teenager. I can take it or leave it, although to my delight it did have Amy Brenneman in it. It's just obvious and doesn't really try to be stupid in a unique and fun way. ** stars.
CONFESSIONS OF A SOCIOPATHIC SOCIAL CLIMBER (2005)
Jennifer Love Hewitt is cute as fuck and sexy as hell, and she's obviously having the time of her life playing the role. Too bad it's such a lame movie. J Love and Chrissy Carpenter need to do a dumb-but-cute TV movie together. *1/2 stars, all because of Jennifer.
LONGFORD (2006)
I honestly wasn't expecting much from this HBO movie, but it completely riveted me to it. Jim Broadbent stars as Lord Longford, a retiree who spends most of his life visiting prisoners in a possibly vain attempt to understand human nature and his own faith. This is one of those movies that looks honestly at religious devotion and how easily it can be manipulated by its very nature; Longford comes to have a relationship with a child murderer played by Samantha Morton who is, we suspect, clearly guilty, but whom Longford takes at her word as innocent. Through the decades, Longford puts his family, his reputation, and his own faith in human nature at stake in order to defend and succor the woman, and that's the conflict of the story. It's not so much about whether she's guilty, but about whether Longford will abandon his conviction that she is innocent and that even the worst sinner can be reformed through faith. Astounding, with excellent performances from Broadbent and Morton, and also Andy Serkis and Lindsay Duncan. **** stars.
LESS THAN ZERO (1987)
Meh. * star.
Quick, Let's Kill All the Wonders!
Pictures like this dishearten me. Because pictures like this mean that there's something amazing in the world and people are taking pride in murdering it.
Apparently, the Humboldt squid (up to 7 feet long) have been moving heavily into central California waters this summer to eat the commercial populations of hake and anchovy. It's unusual to see them as far north as they are now, but clearly it's needed to change its eating habits due to, a study says, overfishing and global warming. It's major competitors are tuna, shark, and now, human beings.
The Humboldt squid favors warm waters, but thanks to our constant companion global warming, the waters are getting less and less cold the farther you travel north. They're even seen now as far north as Alaska. For 16 years, it's been gradually expanding its territory, and now they're being referred to as an "invasion." And the hake population has been dropping, which pisses off the fishermen, who are now hunting the Humbolt squid for sport.
The funny thing is, scientists are still trying to piece this all together since the squid starting appearing in California ten years ago. But it seems pretty obvious: the Humboldt squid has become more and more successful since overfishing (especially in the 1970s) started killing off their main competition--tuna, shark, and swordfish. As the waters stay warmer for longer and longer, they've headed north and started eating new kinds of fish. And the hake is a commercial whitefish that's bringing in a lot of money, so the squid--which unfortunately does not eat people, since less Californians can only be a good thing--has had war declared on it by fishermen.
I don't know... I understand that that's the way of things, I'm just sorry that it has to be that way and that, after a few thousand years, humans still suck at figuring out how not to kill off the beautiful things of the world, and how not to waste resources as quickly as possible so that they won't have to.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The Health Report: Week 32
Dr. Monkey certainly knows how to inspire me. I read that post today and all I could think about is how afraid I am of the same thing happening to me. I'm 31 years old, and it's time to stop fucking around and just accepting a life of unhealthiness.
The past few weeks have been a lot different, though. I've lost track of how long this huge setback lasted (months, I understand), but the point is this: it's over. No matter how many times I break down (twice this week already), I've got to shake it off and refuse to accept that this is my life. I've finally got my exercise pattern right. Instead of exercising in the morning, I exercise four times over the course of the day. This morning I did the recumbent bike and did 50 crunches and some leg lifts. In the late morning I did another 50 crunches and some light weights. And this afternoon I did 50 more crunches and walked up and down the stairs a couple of times, plus some reverse sit-ups. Tonight I'll do the last 50 crunches and maybe some push-ups or something else. It's made me more energetic throughout the day; I've been sleeping a bit too much recently, but today I felt awake and alive. It's good, and I want more.
Now it's the eating that needs to be worked on. I need to make sure I always have bananas around, and lettuce. I need to keep eating breakfast every day (I never used to for years and years). I need a lot better food than I've been eating. In fact, I need to eat right now... I'm hungry.
Not much else going on, just keeping up the resolve and putting it into action. Still no soda and, frankly, I don't miss it anymore. It was just making me sick. I don't look at it as getting rid of something or depriving myself; I'm making myself want different things. I want to live more than I want to drink sugared water.
So, I leave you with something that makes me happy: pachyderms! Not that it comes up much, but my favorite group of animals is the pachyderm. And I want what this family has.
Except I would name my hippo Frostilicus. I don't know why I centered on that Simpsons moniker as the perfect hippo name years ago, but that's what it would be: The Mighty Frostilicus.
500 Faves
directed by George A. Romero; starring Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea, Karl Hardman, Marilyn Eastman
"We may not like living together, but dying together isn't going to solve anything."302. A Night to Remember (1958)
directed by Roy Ward Baker; starring Kenneth More
"Gentlemen, we are in a precarious position."303. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
directed by Henry Selick; starring Danny Elfman, Chris Sarandon, Catherine O'Hara, Paul Reubens
"You know, I think this Christmas thing is not as tricky as it seems! And why should they have all the fun? It should belong to anyone! Not anyone, in fact, but me! Why, I could make a Christmas tree! And there's not a reason I can find, I couldn't have a Christmas time! I bet I could improve it, too! And that's exactly what I'll do!"304. North by Northwest (1959)
directed by Alfred Hitchcock; starring Cary Grant, Eva Marie Saint, James Mason, Martin Landau
"That wasn't very sporting, using real bullets."305. Notorious (1946)
directed by Alfred Hitchcock; starring Ingrid Bergman, Cary Grant, Claude Rains, Louis Calhern
"There's nothing like a love song to give you a good laugh."306. Office Space (1999)
directed by Mike Judge; starring Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, Gary Cole, Stephen Root
"I don't like my job, and... I don't think I'm going to do it anymore."307. An Officer and a Gentleman (1982)
directed by Taylor Hackford; starring Richard Gere, Debra Winger, Louis Gossett Jr., David Keith
"In every class, there's always one joker who thinks that he's smarter than me. In this class, that happens to be you."308. The Old Mill (1937)
directed by Wilfred Jackson
309. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
directed by Peter R. Hunt; starring George Lazenby, Telly Savalas, Diana Rigg, Gabriele Ferzetti
"We have all the time in the world."310. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
directed by Sergio Leone; starring Henry Fonda, Charles Bronson, Claudia Cardinale, Jason Robards
"Tell me, was it necessary that you kill all of them? I only told you to scare them." "People scare better when they're dying."311. One, Two, Three (1961)
directed by Billy Wilder; starring James Cagney, Horst Bucholz, Pamela Tiffin, Lilo Pulver
"Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste can't be all bad."312. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
directed by Milos Forman; starring Jack Nicholson, Louise Fletcher, Brad Dourif, William Redfield
"I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this."313. One Froggy Evening (1955)
directed by Chuck Jones
"Ribbit."314. Open Range (2003)
directed by Kevin Costner; starring Robert Duvall, Kevin Costner, Annette Bening, Michael Gambon
"We come for justice, not vengeance. Now them is two different things." "Not today they ain't."315. Opera (1987)
directed by Dario Argento; starring Cristina Marsillach, Ian Charleson, Urbana Barberini, Daria Nicolodi
"I am nothing like my mother. Nothing like her!"316. The Parent Trap (1998)
directed by Nancy Meyers; starring Dennis Quaid, Natasha Richardson, Lindsay Lohan, Elaine Hendrix
"You know, sometime if we're ever really alone maybe we could talk about what happened between us. You know it's all a bit hazy to me now. It ended so fast." "It started so fast." "Well, that part I remember perfectly."317. Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid (1973)
directed by Sam Peckinpah; starring James Coburn, Kris Kristofferson, Bob Dylan, Richard Jaeckel
"Comes an age in a man's life when he don't wanna spend time figuring what comes next."318. Paths of Glory (1957)
directed by Stanley Kubrick; starring Kirk Douglas, Ralph Meeker, Adolphe Menjou, George Macready
"Wherein have I done wrong?" "Because you don't know the answer to that question, I pity you."319. Patton (1970)
directed by Franklin J. Schaffner; starring George C. Scott, Karl Malden, Stephen Young, Michael Strong
"For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph: a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning that all glory is fleeting."320. Pecos Pest (1955)
directed by William Hanna & Joseph Barbera
321. Peter’s Friends (1992)
directed by Kenneth Branagh; starring Stephen Fry, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Hugh Laurie
"I think adults are just children who owe money."322. Phantasm (1979)
directed by Don Coscarelli; starring Michael Baldwin, Bill Thornbury, Reggie Bannister, Angus Scrimm
"You play a good game boy, but the game is finished. Now you die."323. Phantom of the Paradise (1974)
directed by Brian De Palma; starring Paul Williams, William Finley, Jessica Harper, Gerrit Graham
"An asassination live on television coast to coast...that's entertainment."324. Phenomena (1985)
directed by Dario Argento; starring Jennifer Connelly, Donald Pleasance, Daria Nicolodi, Patrick Bachau
"That insect is doing its best to mate with you."325. Philadelphia (1993)
directed by Jonathan Demme; starring Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Mary Steenburgen, Jason Robards
"In this courtroom, Mr. Miller, justice is blind to matters of race, creed, color, religion, and sexual orientation." "With all due respect, your honor, we don't live in this courtroom, do we?"The Stravinsky of Stupid
After posting "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Trapped in the Drive-Thru" video, it occured to me that I had, in fact, never seen all of R. Kelley's original version, "Trapped in the Closet," in its entirety. I'd merely seen the first four, um, "chapters" on VH1 (!) and left it at that. So, curious, I went to YouTube and sought the entire beast.
And let me tell you, I'm glad I did.
The first four chapters of Kelly's "rap opera" (called, apparently, despite the fact that there isn't any rapping in the entire thing) are merely his usual sexism. Kelly plays a man named Sylvester who is alternately referred to in the first and third person, leading to some scenes of narrative confusion (occasionally, Kelly himself will step out of the closet to clarify some stunningly obvious point). And Sylvester, upon waking up in a strange woman's bed, is forced to hide (as the title suggests) in the closet. And, as will become a common theme in the story, Sylvester chooses to confront the situation by pulling out his Beretta and pointing it at someone. Things quickly go from bad to worse as Sylvester simply refuses to own up to doing something wrong and points a gun at this woman's husband.
The husband is a pastor, and when he finds out his suspicions were correct and his sexy wife was cheating on him he reveals his own secret: he's been cheating on her all along with another man!
How this involves Sylvester and why he needs to get caught up, I have no idea. Predictably enough, Sylvester's wife is also cheating on him, this time with a cop. And there's much more insecure Beretta-flashing and bluster, lots of swearing, and the general assumption (common in hip hop videos) that boys will be boys, but if their woman cheats its because she's a fucking whore who needs to be beaten.
Now, at first I thought this was merely stupid, sexist, tedious, and repetitive. The musical score itself is rather dull and unimaginitive, consisting of the same exact notes, four minutes at a time (generally speaking), leading up to the same demi-flourish that leads up to what Kelly thinks is a shocking revelation. And it's all ludicrous, but presented with the utmost seriousness. Still, Kelly's only done what many composers of opera have done--taken a charged situation where passion rules and pitched it at a grand level. It's like many other operas, only without the creativity and musical changes and, well, opera. It's more like people screaming at each other over the same music-like holding pattern.
There's also a scene where Sylvester is pretty much raped by his own wife, and all he sings about is how he's apparently nervous about being fucked so hard.
But as things go on, this "rap opera" unfolds into a larger world.
See, the cop is married, too. And not just to anyone--to a fat, pie-baking white chick whom Kelly characterizes with this insulting, racist, stereotypical accent to make her sound just that extra little bit dumb. And when the cop gets home, his wife's lover is hiding under the sink--and he's a midget! In a blue velvet suit! And for some reason, his presence necessitates Sylvester and his brother-in-law rushing over, waving their Berettas in the air and pointing them around. And even the white chick pulls out a double barrelled shotgun.
And the midget shits himself.
And it's those kinds of over-the-top details--in a scenario that has been getting more and more ridiculous by the second--that push this thing from being randomly stupid to brilliantly stupid.
Things like the cop, Sylvester, and his brother-in-law looking at the door, guns drawn, ready to blow someone away...only to discover that it's only the nosy neighbor lady with a spatula. Ho, ho!
Things like the midget wearing a blue velvet suit, claiming to be a male stripper, constantly fainting in fright, and R. Kelly writing perhaps the most stunningly stupid lyric ever: And the midget says Oh man, I just shitted myself!
I was wrong. R. Kelly is some kind of autistic genius. Seriously, he's not just some uncontrollable, overrated dumbshit who likes to videotape himself urinating on teenagers. He's an accidental master of the art of stupidity. Because "Trapped in the Closet" is utterly ridiculous. And yet, it's totally brilliant. But only in an accidental way. If you sat down with the intention to write the dumbest, most overwrought, most musically-and-lyrically challenged "rap opera" with absolutely no rapping in it that you could, you would never create something 1/100 as funny as this. This is the kind of stupidity that takes a sort of genius and a total inability to tell the difference between what's dramatic and what's funny to create. You couldn't do it on purpose, you just couldn't, which is why Weird Al's parody actually isn't as funny as what it's parodying. "Trapped in the Closet" is its own parody.
When R. Kelly stops all the action for the revelation that not only is the cop's wife pregnant, but the midget is the father, with a shock that suggests R. Kelly isn't even certain that midgets are biologically capable of reproducing... holy shit, how can you top that? That is the retarded cherry on top of a mountainous sundae of total, dipshitted idiocy. A thousand monkeys working on a thousand drum machines couldn't even approach it. And the fact that R. Kelly means for this to be something real, something serious, something grand and poetic, something approximating the kind of problems people must have in their everyday lives, as though he were some sort of alien who learned about humanity by watching Jerry Springer... that just makes the sundae all the sweeter. It's one of the greatest things I've ever seen, but not for the reasons it was intended.
I laughed and laughed and laughed harder than I had laughed in months when I watched "Trapped in the Closet." The blatant sexism, the blatant racism, the deadpan ridiculousness of it all... John Waters should be this brilliant. R. Kelly is truly the Stravinsky of stupid.
To my delight, I see that we're in for chapters 13 through 22 of "Trapped in the Closet" in less than a month. Can the brilliance be topped, or even equalled? I'd say no. This sort of thing can only be accidentally created every so often. But I want to know. I have to see it and know if it's just regular bad (like the rest of Kelly's career, although his recent video with Usher does approach a so-stupid-it's-funny plateau, which still doesn't even touch the sublime stupidity of "Trapped in the Closet" 1-12), or that rarest of things--something so serious that it transcends normal badness, transcends the condescendingly ironic, and becomes a grand achievement in the history of dumb. I, for one, cannot wait to find out.
A Miniature Quiz Day
FilmCritic.com - Movie Reviews
90%
FilmCritic.com - Movie Reviews
| You Are the Thumb |
 You're unique and flexible. And you defy any category. Mentally strong and agile, you do things your own way. And you do them well. You are a natural leader... but also truly a loner. You inspire many but connect with few. You get along well with: The Middle Finger Stay away from: The Pinky |
Which Annoying B-list Celebrity Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey.
Quick question asked through my revulsion at Thatcher: Maggie Thatcher is a B-list celebrity?
Monday, July 23, 2007
Trapped in the Drive-Thru
As others have pointed out, R. Kelly inexplicably thinks his epic "rap opera" "Trapped in the Closet" is a work of Serious Art. He really means for that self-indulgent, unintelligible shit to be taken with the utmost seriousness. Thankfully, "Weird Al" Yankovic came along and took the piss out of it, and someone made an animated video. Genius. Enjoy (it's an epic 11 minutes, just to warn you).
Um, No, But Thanks Just the Same?
TNT, always a gatekeeper of quality, aired the movie AI on Friday night. Whomever is in charge of TNT's promos always has to make each and every thing out to be an experience of grandeur and majesty, and so the promos for AI said:
Learn to love with Haley Joel Osment in "AI."
Thanks, I think I'll pass on the little boy love lessons.
Still, thank you for reinforcing my own opinion that AI is a three-hour NAMBLA ad. But, you know, Spielberg's Adoration of the Child was inevitably leading there, anyway. He's always fetishized childhood, so it was only a matter of time before he got to fetishizing Haley Joel Osment or someone or other...
This all ties into my old opinion that E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial can be read as an allegory for a boy learning to play with himself, but then it just all gets too heady. At least for 6:40 in the morning...
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Song of the Week: "She's Right On Time"
The genius of Billy Joel is this: he uses the language of pop music to write songs about fear, anger, self-loathing, and hopelessness. They just sound like disposable pop music, when actually there's so much more to it. It's not complex, but the feelings there are undeniable. That's why guys like me, who have been pissed off since junior high, drift into his music and hold it close for our lives. This is a less angry song, from his classic 1982 album The Nylon Curtain. The video is bizarre and very ramshackle, it's really inexplicable. But hey, I love the song. It makes me feel hopeful about the future.
Fun trivia: Billy's dream girl in this video is the same girl from Michael Jackson's John Landis-directed video "Thriller." That girl is Ola Ray, Playboy's Miss June 1980. I wonder where she is now. I've always loved this picture:
But that's from Playboy's more glorious and fun past. These days...
Makes Sense
My favorite sentence ever from any Penthouse letter is this:
I knew that everything in my life had changed forever now that I had let Eddie put his thing in my mouth.
There's just something in there that's so painfully, earnestly matter-of-fact that I laugh every time I think about it. I mean, I guess that would change your life, but... I don't know, it's just so what it is that I almost have to admire its plain brilliance.
MYSTERY CARROT AWARD
