Saturday, June 16, 2007

Eight More Thoughts on the Subject of Me

The same day I did this meme (tagged by Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein), I was tagged with it again by Cap'n Dyke! Never one to disobey one of my captain's orders, I've done it again. As if I don't enjoy finding myself fascinating...

Rules: Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people; then visits those people’s sites and comments, letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.

Again, I'm not sure I'll tag a whole eight people, but here we go.

1. I lost trust in writers very easily because of inconsistencies. For example, Michael Crichton. I used to enjoy his books. Yes, they were stupid, and all he ever did was take a familiar plot and put technology into it (Congo=King Solomon's Mines with lasers and a talking monkey; Jurassic Park=Conan Doyle's The Lost World with genetics, etc.), but I still count Eaters of the Dead and Travels among my favorite books. But he completely lost me with The Lost World, because of the way he shamelessly resurrected Ian Malcolm from the dead. That's just bullshit, and the worst part is that he only did it because Jeff Goldblum was the only actor who was going to be in the movie sequel. And he didn't even explain it in the book! He just copped a line from The Princess Bride: "I was only mostly dead." Fuck you, Crichton! I haven't read a single one of his books since. Another example: Brett Easton Ellis. How am I supposed to trust the narrative of American Psycho when Patrick Bateman, a man extremely well versed in material things (there's an excellent chapter where all he does is dissect the recent Genesis albums), messes up the names of two girl groups? In one chapter, he misidentifies the Crystals as the singers of "Be My Baby," and in another he misidentifies the Ronettes as the singers of "Then He Kissed Me." He's got them the wrong way around. My Lit & Film teacher thought it was unfair of me, but if you can't get the one simple fact straight for a character who is so exacting in every other detail, it breaks the character entirely.

2. I hate hate hate Joss Whedon, but the reason surprises people. It's because, back in 1995, he was one of the people who rewrote Waterworld. When Entertainment Weekly was writing an article about the troubled making of the movie, they interviewed him and pointed out what many an audience member was saying: you can't run airplanes and jetskis on crude, unrefined oil. Whedon, instead of showing that he'd thought of the inconsistency or conceding a mistake on a point of science or even coming up with an answer, said "Guess what? You can now!" Which I thought was a particularly asinine thing to say. And I don't have respect for a writer who can't be bothered to stand by what he writes, no matter if it's just paid work or not.

3. I look like Jason Bourne, a Greek composer, a Democratic has-been, a Jewish violinist, and a mob boss. After seeing Dr. Zaius do it, I went to MyHeritage to look up my celebrity lookalikes. Some of you may remember that I did this before, and I looked like Robbie Coltrane and Beyonce. Weird. Anyway, this time, I look like the following:Just for the hell of it, I put in my picture from my senior year highschool yearbook (1994). 13 years ago, I more closely resembled the following:As you can see, this means I'm getting exponentially less sexy as the years go by. It's scientific. Or at least scientifish.

4. I find Tilda Swinton excruciatingly erotic. There's just something so sort of otherworldly about her that gives me pause and makes me want her badly. I think it has to do with the Bowie-esque androgyny. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is a good movie, but it also gave me a painful erection because every time Tilda was onscreen, I got lost in her eyes and her voice and her wardrobe and her skin and all I could think about was how badly I want to eat her pussy. I got distracted.

5. I still want to experiment with food chemistry, even though my food choices have been limited by my desire to lose weight. Heidi came up with the magnificent idea of chocolate covered banana cream Twinkies (oh, I will make that happen), and thanks to the long-absent Angela, I still want to replace the biscuit on my Egg McMuffin with a glazed donut. I was also thinking this morning: if people eat those icky breakfast burritos, why not a breakfast pizza? A personal-sized pizza topped with sausage, bacon, and eggs over easy? Is that disgusting? I thought it sounded kind of good. Also, why not a hot dog wrapped in a Twinkie? And some people fry them, too... Hey, I've been thinking of this kind of thing since I was a kid and posited thick, baked French fries with ketchup centers.

6. Some people crack their knuckles, but I crack nearly every joint in my body. One time, just before a class, I loudly cracked my elbows, and the teacher cringed. "Wow, I really wish I'd never heard that," he said.

Me: "Sorry. But if I hadn't done it, I'd be very uncomfortable."

Teacher: "So, as long as you're comfortable, it doesn't matter that you make others uncomfortable?"

Me: "Those are pretty much the words I live by, sir."

7. I often think about quitting this blog altogether. But someone always talks me out of it.

8. I like the Ewoks. Those cute little animal things that fanboys always get pissed off at in science fiction and fantasy movies? I usually like them. I like Jar Jar Binks, I just don't think he needs to be in every damn scene of Episode I (hey, he's a Goofy rip-off, and I like Goofy). I want my own Pikachu, Charizard, Psyduck, Cubone, Squirtle, and especially Bulbasaur. Grimlock is my favorite Transformer. I always liked Snake Eyes because he had a wolf, and Shipwreck because he had a parrot. I like Superman better with Krypto. Don't ask me why, but these things are in my head. (Maybe I should ask for Krypto instead of Comet in my Supergirl movie.)This time, I'm not going to tag anyone. I did it the last time. Anyone who wants can do it this time.

The Bible Summarized by a Smartass, Part Thirty-Four: The Revelation

And so we reach it at last: the final book of the Bible. Here is the final end to all the comfort and the love of the so-called good book, and what comes of just trying to help.

Chapter One
Hey, how you doing tonight? My name’s John, and an angel has given me a vision of what’s going to happen “soon.” Or maybe it was Jesus who did it. Read on and find out! The angel gave me a message for the seven churches.

Chapter Two
To Ephesus: You guys are doing great not tolerating evildoers [the actual word used in the NRSV], but you’ve abandoned love. Repent or go to hell.

To Smyrna: I like me some humble poverty, and you’ve got it. The problem is with those Satan-worshiping Jews. There’s some bad coming, but love me and all will be well. Eventually. After you die.

To Pergamum: You live in the midst of Satan. Quit listening to Balaam’s shit, he sacrifices to idols and fornicates. Repent or I’ll kill all of you.

To Thyatira: I love you guys, but you tolerate Jezebel, the false prophet. I’m going to murder her and her kids and anyone who follows her.

Chapter Three
To Sardis: You only give me lip service; repent and be genuine, or I’ll kill all of you. Don’t make me blot your names out of the book of life, cuz I will!

To Philadelphia: You have little power now, but I’m going to make those Satanist Jews kneel before you. That’s the reward for patience. That and power.

To Laodicea: You’re prosperous, so I hate you. A lot. Be humble, not proud. Follow my shining and perfect example of humility.

Chapter Four
So, after that, I was in heaven, and I saw the elders enthroned, surrounding the throne of God. Let me tell you, lots of jewels and riches and all the stuff that Christians aren’t supposed to have unless they’re the pope. Or bishops and stuff. God was surrounded by four bizarre and frankly disturbing animals with six wings and tons of eyes constantly telling him how awesome he is. The elders do that, too.

Chapter Five
Then I saw a scroll with seven seals on it, but no one was worthy to open it. Then there was a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes that had been slaughtered and was a painfully obvious and strained symbol for Jesus. Everything in the room worshiped him and begged him to break the seals.

Chapter Six
The first seal: a white horse appears; its rider has a bow and a crown and is sent to conquer.

The second seal: a bright red horse appears; its rider has a sword and is sent to remove peace from the world.

The third seal: a black horse appears; its rider has a pair of scales to wither the barley and wheat of the earth.

The fourth seal: a pale green horse, ridden by Death hisself, with Hades following closely behind. They destroy a quarter of the world.

The fifth seal: the souls of martyrs are released in heaven and enrobed.

The sixth seal: an earthquake. The sun goes black and the stars fall. The sky vanishes, and the mountains fall. The Day of Wrath. Everyone left alive cowers in caves.

Chapter Seven
Four angels stop the winds from blowing. The four riders are held back as the true followers of God are marked—all 144,000 of them, 12,000 from each of the 12 tribes of Israel. The converts begin to worship.

Chapter Eight
The Lamb opens the seventh seal, and 30 minutes of silence follow. An angel appears, his censer filled with the prayers of the saints. The censer is hurled to earth, causing disaster. Seven angels blow seven trumpets.

The first trumpet: hail, fire, and blood thrown to earth, burning a third of it.

The second trumpet: a great, burning mountain is thrown into the sea, turning a third to blood and killing a third of the fish.

The third trumpet: a great star, Wormwood, falls and poisons a third of the rivers and springs.

The fourth trumpet: a third of the sun, the moon, and the stars darken.

An eagle laments the trials of humankind yet to come.

Chapter Nine
The fifth trumpet: a star is given the key to the bottomless pit. When he opens it, smoke rises, followed by an army of locusts who are told to torture those without God’s mark for five months. The locusts are dressed for battle in iron scales, and have human faces and war crowns. With scorpion-like tails, they and their king, the angel Abbadon, torture humanity for five months.

The sixth trumpet: the four riders are set loose on the world. The heads of their horses are lion heads; the tails are snakes. They emit a noxious fume that kills a third of humankind. The rest of the people alive still do not repent.

Chapter Ten
I’m not allowed to tell you what I heard in the voices of the seven thunders. I was given a scroll to eat, and told to go and prophesy.

Chapter Eleven
I was given a measuring rod and told to prophecy for 200,060 days. Then something unintelligible about olive trees and lampstands killing the enemies of God. The beast rises from the pit and kills a bunch of people. The faithful rise while 7000 die in an earthquake. The seventh trumpet sounds; the Lord and his Messiah will reign forever. The temple in heaven is alight with the ark of the covenant.

Chapter Twelve
A red dragon waits for a woman to give birth. The baby is given the rule of the world; the woman is sent to the wilderness to be nourished and the baby is given to God. There is a war in heaven as Michael and his angels fight the dragon and his angels. Oh, and the red dragon is Satan, and he loses the war. The red dragon tries to kill the woman in the wilderness; failing that, he makes war on humankind.

Chapter Thirteen
The red dragon and his beast are worshiped by the whole earth for 42 months. The beast makes war on the saints and conquers them. Another beast, the false prophet, performs sorcery and forces humankind to make idols. The number of the beast is 666, and followers bear his mark.

Chapter Fourteen
The Lamb and his 144,000 appear atop Mount Zion and join in the music from heaven. Angels proclaim the fall of Babylon and the impending death of the worshipers of the beast. An angel reaps the earth, and there is fire everywhere.

Chapter Fifteen
Seven angels with seven plagues go forth to complete God’s Wrath. There is more fire, and the Temple is cleansed. The angels pour seven bowls.

Chapter Sixteen
The first bowl: sores for those who worship the beast.

The second bowl: the sea becomes blood and everything in it dies.

The third bowl: the rivers and springs become blood.

The fourth bowl: the sun scorches the world with fire.

The fifth bowl: the kingdom of the beast turns dark.

The sixth bowl: the Euphrates dries up; the beast, the false prophet, and the red dragon send demons to gather an army at Armageddon.

The seventh bowl: “It is done!” A violent earthquake destroys Babylon.

Chapter Seventeen
The angel shows me the whore of Babylon, drunk with the blood of the saints. Lots of claptrap about numbers of kings and nations and the woman being the great ruling city herself.

Chapter Eighteen
The fall of the city is pronounced in verse.

Chapter Nineteen
Another white horse from heaven, ridden by the Word of God, another painful Jesus symbol. War at Armageddon. The Word defeats the beast, the false prophet is captured, and the two of them are thrown into the lake of fire to be tortured for all eternity. The birds of the sky kill the beast’s army.

Chapter Twenty
The red dragon is thrown into the bottomless pit and locked in. The martyrs are raised and rule by Christ’s side for a thousand years as his priests. Then Satan is released and gathers the people of Gog and Magog as his army. But the army is destroyed by fire and Satan is thrown into the lake of fire. The living and the dead are judged, and Death and Hades are also thrown into the lake of fire. Any soul whose name is not in the book of life is thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death.

Chapter Twenty-One
Heaven and earth cease to be, and new ones are created. God and his people will live together in a new Jerusalem (of which exact measurements are given). There is no new Temple, because God and Jesus live among their people. Nothing unclean will ever enter it; only those listed in the book of life.

Chapter Twenty-Two
The time is now! Judgment is coming! And the angel was, in fact, Jesus. Anyone who adds to this prophecy will be struck out of the book of life. Amen.

The End

Supergirl

I think DC Comics really needs to stop catering to the same fans over and over again and start branching out into something more interesting. This week, I decided I was going to sit down and read Infinite Crisis and see what all the hubbub was about. See, every decade or so, DC decides that it's many worlds and many characters are too confusing, so they have a big event requiring you to buy many, many books in which they parse down their worlds...by bringing everyone back to life, except for some character that dies and it becomes a big deal. I started the collection (I got it from the library) and almost immediately got bored. I felt like I'd read it all before, and I had: back in 1986, when it was called Crisis on Infinite Earths. It was exactly the same; gather every character, have them stand around and look up at the sky, make a big deal about characters who have become obscure (the Freedom Fighters were on the first few pages), and then the world ends and restarts. Ho hum.

This time, the art even looked like Crisis on Infinite Earths. I said to myself, if I look through this thing and there's a group of people standing around that includes Katana, I'm closing this thing and never opening it again. And there she was! And close went the book!

And I'll stick to the decision I made two years ago to no longer read DC Comics. The occasional miniseries or graphic novel, sure. But I am so done with the monthly DC Universe, it isn't even funny. I am now, officially, one of those people who remembers the DCU fondly, but doesn't bother to read the comics anymore.

Actually, based on the number of comic book blogs I read, I think I made the right choice. The most distressing news these days seems to be mostly Supergirl-related.

There's been a lot written about the sexualization of Supergirl (the funniest is this parody at I Against Comics), and about what John at The Last Visible Blog (in a post about Mary Marvel) aptly calls the culture of humiliation. I've always wanted to like Supergirl, but I've never liked the way she was written. There's been a lot of denouncement of covers and storylines that are overtly sexual, and a lot of call to turn her into a real teenager. So, she's gotten a new look that many are praising as realistic:But Tom the Dog pointed out its resemblance to the work of Italian erotic artist Milo Manara:
So who really knows where they're going with this?

You know what I'd like to see? A Supergirl movie for kids. Why not, eh? It was always girls who liked Supergirl the most, so why not give them their own movie where Supergirl isn't a troubled teen or a sexy twenty year-old, but a 12 year old trying to save the world? I mean, does everything DC Comics does have to play to teenagers or guys in their thirties? I want to see a Supergirl that kids can enjoy.

And I think AnnaSophia Robb should play Supergirl. And, if I really had my way, I think I'd bring back Comet the Super Horse, too.

I just think that the character can be branched out from the cliche we have now to something an actual young girl audience might enjoy. Why do all comics have to be for boys young and overgrown?

And please don't bring up that horrible Helen Slater movie to me... *shudder*

A Run-On Sentence for Splotchy

Fie on the pugnacious and puerile hubris of this bilious and surreptitious leader of a lugubrious and hoary system, who with much parsimony but little perspicacity engages in ostentatious chicanery while I, SamuraiFrog, a mere Scaramangian dilettante to the politicking of this eponym of shrubbery, in all my body from the aglets of my shoes to the pince-nez of my spectacles, throw fisticuffs at the abscissa of his evil and his stupidity, that I may see their gloam before freedom perishes from this eponymous land of Amerigo Vespucci.

The Only Britney Spears Album You Need (Assuming You Will Ever Actually Need One)

I admit it: to the consternation of many, I don't know how to quit Britney Jean Spears. Some are morally outraged by her; others just find her irritating. Myself, I've always had a soft spot for her. Sexy, fun, bright, with some decent pop music that I always enjoyed a bit. I don't know, I guess when it comes down to it, though I do feel a lot of sympathy for her sometimes (again, she reminds me of my sisters), I just find her so disposable that it's hard for me to work up any sort of strong feelings over her, um, influence on music or pop culture. My theory is that girls like her are really only omnipresent in this day and age because of the proliferation of blogs and gossip sites and reality TV. Her career is pretty much over and, frankly, there wasn't much to it to begin with. The only real things you can say she did is push pedophilia into a more acceptable place in society and encourage girls to dress whorishly. Otherwise...well, there's some decent bubblegum pop that someone might look back on and enjoy, partly for the kitsch, partly for some good beats.

So, before Britney fades into obscurity, I compiled a mix that is the only one I really need. Actually, I was generous and went to 77 minutes, so it's really more than I need. It's actually not bad, and it's one of the few musical artifacts of the early 21st century that's going to stay in my collection. But I do that sometimes; my mixes are listed here.

Oh, and before there's anymore outrage, I have noticed a number of people advising me to do to her what I've done with Lindsay Lohan and ban Britney from my blog outright. I may have a photoshoot here or there if she ever does a good one again, but no more Britney news, okay? After all, there's nothing new to report on.

THE BRITNEY ALBUM

1. My Prerogative
2. …Baby One More Time
3. I’m a Slave 4 U
4. Anticipating
5. Toxic
6. Someday (I Will Understand)
7. Oops! ...I Did It Again
8. (You Drive Me) Crazy
9. Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know
10. I Will Be There
11. Shadow
12. Sometimes
13. Lucky
14. From the Bottom of My Broken Heart
15. Mona Lisa
16. Overprotected
17. Stronger
18. Early Mornin’ [Jason Nevins Remix]
19. Everytime
20. And Then We Kiss [Junkie XL Remix]
21. I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

I was going to go into a whole track-by-track thing, but it doesn't really matter, does it? It's disposable but fun. And at 77 minutes, all the Britney anyone could (or couldn't) want.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Throwdown 6/15

15 random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.

1. So, rehab worked, then? Isn’t getting drunk a sign of successful rehab? Maybe she’s just really tired. Hm. Britney, you never learn, and soon enough, I’m going to ban your ass from this blog. You’re on notice.

2. It’s been announced that smug, self-satisfied filmmaker Steven Spielberg has endorsed Hilary Clinton for president. Spielberg has, of course, made a key mistake: thinking that we give a shit who he thinks should be president, and that his announcement will influence us in some way. Spielberg thinks Clinton should be president… then he again, he also thought A.I., Minority Report, and War of the Worlds were good movies, so I’m going to go ahead and stick with hoping the sun melts before Hilary Clinton gets elected.

3. Can you believe that some people are calling Larry Birkhead a bad father? I mean, he’s only trying to smother Danielynn in full view of the public, not dangling her over a railing. Come on!

4. Uma Thurman continues to lose in the “We Want Celebrities to Be Real People But Hate Them If They Don’t Look Fake” blograce. Now she’s getting a lot of criticism for her “unfashionable” bathing suit, but I think it looks neat. It’s got this whole old-fashioned meets contemporary, retro-futuristic look to it. Electronic Cerebrectomy loves you, Uma!

5. Hey, I didn’t know that Scarlett Pomers from Reba really did have a band! That’s so cool! I love rock chicks, man.

6. As if Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway weren’t enough, here’s another reason to see Get Smart: Mel Brooks and Buck Henry are writing jokes for it!

7. There’s been a ruling change for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science’s Best Animated Feature Oscar. The new wording is as follows: “An animated feature film is defined as a motion picture of at least 70 minutes in running time, in which movement and characters’ performances are created using a frame-by-frame technique. In addition, a significant number of the major characters must be animated, and animation must figure in no less than 75 percent of the picture’s running time.” I highlighted the important part there; it’s to keep movies that use motion-capture technology, like The Polar Express or previous nominee Monster House, from calling themselves animation when, technically, they’re special effects movies. Last year’s winner, Happy Feet, also heavily used motion-capture. I’m not against motion-capture per se, but I do hate it when it’s referred to as animation when it really isn’t; and don’t call it character animation, because it doesn’t really have character. It’s sometimes used well, but it also makes character animation obsolete, and then what’s the point? Granted, they seem to be fixing the dead-eyed creepiness of the Polar Express characters, but I’d rather see something someone made, either with computer or pencil, than something rendered but lifeless.

8. What do you think of this? I think Tom Cruise loved the mannish Posh Spice so much he asked his bride to emulate the look. Creepy.

9. Well, that settles the question about ass: Jessica Alba is one.

10. Parasite Hilton was dropped by Endeavor, her talent agency, because she “just wasn’t worth it.” How the fuck did she get talent agents in the first place? Because she can stand? According to someone from Endeavor, they wanted to position her as the Martha Stewart of her generation. What?


11. I guess it’s officially time for me to stop hoping that Fletch Won, which is a great book, is going to be a good movie: Pacey as Fletch. Ouch, dude. From the director of Accepted. Pacey as Fletch. It never stops hurting.

12. So, it looks like Shar Jackson is pregnant again with another Federspawn. Might not be true. But even if it isn’t true, running around with Cletus again makes her a total dumbass. Some women never learn.

13. Joss Stone is an ungrateful little bitch. She’s apparently had four managers in five years, because she has “strong opinions and can be very vocal about what I think.” She goes on to say: “Managers say ‘Guess what, I've got you a gig,’ but they didn't get it for you. It was your reputation and commercial standing that got it and they were just the person who took the call. So why can't I be the one who picks up the phone? I've got no problem at all with talking.” Apparently. Actually, dear, that’s not how it works. Venues aren’t just calling up Joss Stone because she’s sooooo talented that they want her to sing there. Your manager calls someone and gets you a gig, and your talent is what helps the manager to sell you. Try hanging around with one for a week and see what they do: the work.

14. Have we really gotten to this point now? Someone videotapes a blimp and people are freaking out that it’s a UFO? I saw one of these on the way to my mom’s house two weeks ago. Calm the fuck down. Here’s a video, if you’re interested.

15. Mr. Wizard died this week. And while I admit I didn’t realize he was still alive, I’m sorry that he’s gone. I still remember watching him as a kid, and without him I might not have had as much of an interest in science as I do now.

They Call Me Doctor Links

Creepy. And separated by decades... go to No Smoking in the Skull Cave for some of the creepiest vintage ads she's had up yet.

* Mark Evanier has a post on alternate Marvel covers--some of the classics, surprisingly, were replacements.
* Unfortunately, Living Between Wednesdays is probably not that far off. Funny, but not far off.
* I Against Comics has some more on his Teen Titans story. Excellent stuff.
* The Absorbascon shows you how to deal with tigers.
* Dr. Zaius knows what happened to Lois Lane!
* Slowly Going Bald eulogizes the passing of a friend.
* LAyercake blows my mind with this video.
* Marius sings the praises of Tim Canterbury and Jim Halpert.
* ModFab is irritated.

The Film Experience hosted the Action Heroine Blog-a-thon, and Lazy Eye Theatre redefined the idea of a heroine.
* Premiere looks back on 20 movies that will never be.
* Splotchy reviews one of my favorite movies so far this year, Hot Fuzz.
* Tom the Dog is right to find this hard to believe.
* retroCRUSH looks at the greatest sidekicks.
* The 13 Most Ridiculous Shows to Ever Get Greenlit (Cracked)
* 13 Movie Plots Rendered Ridiculous by Their Stars’ Subsequent Behavior (Cracked)

How about that Sopranos finale? I wouldn't actually know, I don't watch The Sopranos, so I didn't see it. But hearing everyone get pissed off about it has been pretty hilarious. Ken Levine has a neat post about what the finale would have been like if it were on a network. He's also got a good post up about laugh tracks.

* The 60 Dumbest Celebrity Quotes (2Spare)
* Hateful Stereotypes Behind 5 Lovable Cereal Mascots (Cracked)
* The Onion AV Club interviews Richard Thompson.
* Paris Hilton finds God, and gets a much-deserved ridiculing from Layercake.
* Ivanka Trump (And 9 Other Celebrity Offspring We Want to Impregnate) (Cracked)
* MC nominates a man I would endorse for president, and then discovers what would happen if Chuck Norris were our leader.
* * Johnny Yen laments the passing of a Chicago era.

The above found on Angry Ballerina's blog. I just needed to post it.
* Cap'n Dyke has it out for Wal-Mart, their "ethics" policy, and corporations. Of course, they deserve it.
* Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein also gives it to the corporations, Blackwater USA, the war on terror, and corporate media. And he says the Cold War was a draw. Well, it's not like he's wrong!
* Dr. Zaius continues to warn us against thinking the way Karl Rove wants us to. Support Pelosi, damn you!
* Johnny Yen hates Joe Liebermann (as anyone would), and points out another way in which Junior's hypocrisy keeps him from doing his job.
* Culture Kills defends Dan Rather.
* PoliTits mentions the stupidest abortion legislation yet.
* The Rude Pundit tells Dennis Miller to go fuck himself. I hate Dennis Miller so much now that I can't even listen to his old stuff from when I thought he was funny.
* The Last Visible Blog has some very encouraging words and figures for atheists.
* Make Your Own Bush Speech

And the cherry on top: Banana Twinkies!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

40 Pointless Questions

1. Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering?
On the shower curtain rod. My towel rack snapped in half and I need to get a new one.

2. What kind of mouse pad do you have?
The same one I've had for countless years now, with the rings of Saturn on it. I guess I don't need it, because I have a laser mouse and it doesn't really need a mouse pad.3. Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush?
I prefer a comb; I use one of those cheap, black 99 cent combs, for which I was admonished by my mother. I've never liked brushes too much.

4. From your opinion, who do you think is the hottest celebrity?
Well, obviously my girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson.Though Jessica Biel is certainly a looker...Just making sure I know my options...

5. You got a project due tomorrow, do you use tape or glue?
I've always preferred tape. No real reason; maybe it seems less permanent, and I've always been about impermanence.

6. Chicken or pork adobo?
You want me to who with the what now?

7. By the time you get to school, is the sky still dark?
No more school for me.

8. If you had a choice to see a unicorn or mermaid which would it be?
Well, a mermaid, obviously, since mermaids have breasts.I know, but they do, and I'm a man of limited interest.

9. What color is your underwear?
The pair I'm wearing now is blue. I prefer boxer briefs, if anyone cares, and I don't see why they would.

10. what time does the sun usually set?
"Usually?" Well, as I write this, it's nearly 8:30, and it's still not completely set.

11.There is no question eleven. Wasn't when I found it.

12. AC or fan?
AC if it's really hot, otherwise nothing. I have fans, I just never think to turn them on. Some days, though, a fan is nice.

13. Do you wear braces?
I got them off in high school.

14. Can you hand stand?
Not since I was in junior high. I can do it if I have my feet up against a wall, but that's cheating.

15. If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?David Bowie, circa 1999. I'm not metro enough to pull it off as a dude. And I'd still be dating Scarlett Johansson, thank you.

16. What level math are you in?
Finished with math, forever. Ha ha!!!

17. Jessica Simpson or Jessica Alba?
Simpson, of course. The difference seems obvious to me.18. Which subject is worst, English or Math?
Math. I failed it several times in junior high, high school, and college.

19. What's one thing you really want to do this very moment?
Fix my life.

20. After buying something, do you automatically throw your receipts away or you keep it for a while?
It depends on what I've bought. I save receipts for my CDs or DVDs until I've listened to/watched them. If it's something big, I'll save the receipts for years. If it's gum, it goes in the trash.

21. CD player or iPOD?
After getting my iPod, I'll never use a portable CD player again. I do have one in the car (finally).

22. Would you rather spin upside down goin' 30 miles or drop 400 ft. into water?
Wha?

23. What's your favorite shape?
Like most of the world throughout history, I like roundness.24. What you got planned for the weekend?
More of the nothing I do every weekend. My life is rather on the pathetic level, especially when it comes to actually leaving the apartment.

25. Have you ever gone ice skating?
Not since I was a kid.

26. If you were put in a room with nothing except for a pencil and paper, what would you do?
Draw or write something.

27. Is it always easy finding your remote every time you want to watch TV?
Yes. Of course, I have six remotes. The modern world, baby.

28. How was your day?
As I write this now, pretty shitty and lonely.

29. Do you grow your nails, bite, or cut them?
I grow them a little too long, and then I cut them FAR too short. Usually I draw blood, but I've got a complex about it, because of my mother berating me for having nails too long when I was younger. Apparently a man's entire worth can be summed up in how much cuticle is showing.

30. Describe your handwriting.
It used to be so good that teachers would commend me on it. It's been edging towards unintelligible for years, and if I'm writing something that someone is going to read, I have to force myself to slow down so they'll be able to.This is an example of my shitty handwriting.

31. Do you consider yourself a stalker?
Um, no... Why do you ask?

32. Do you bruise easily?
Terribly easily, actually. I'm as susceptible to criticism as anyone else, and it always hurts. Especially when I think about how things have gone wrong.

33. There's nothing on TV except Barney and Japanese news. What do you do?
Listen to music, read a book, go out for a walk. Contrary to how my TV Report makes it look, I don't watch television constantly.34. Do you know more than three myspace passwords?
I don't do MySpace. And yes, I think less of you if you do.

35. You got an essay due, you either can type or write in pen, which will it be?
Type. Faster and less mistakes. I've never learned to type, but I do so at an incredible rate.

36. Do you wear jeans to relax at home?
No; I wear my pajama pants or sweats or shorts when I want to relax.

37. Describe yourself using four words?
Pathetic, depressed, whiny loser.

38. Do you use deodorant?
Of course.

39. Do you like ice in your drink?
Not especially.

40. What's your bloodtype?
O positive. Universal donor, baby!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Eight Thoughts on the Subject of Me

I can count all the times I've been tagged on two hands, so when I get one, I'm a'quick to respond. Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein tagged me with a meme, and since I am my own favorite subject (that sounds smarmily charming, but it's true), here we go.

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Wow, tag eight people? I noticed Dr. M tagged four, so we'll see. Here goes; eight random things about me.

1. I have, in my collection, nearly every figure from Palisades Toys's recent The Muppet Show series (and I'm incredibly disappointed that they stopped making them). I know I've mentioned this before, but I stopped talking to a very close friend of mine because of them. We were talking one night about how she wrote her dissertation on gender expectations in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and somehow it led to me saying I only collected one line of action figures anymore: The Muppet Show. She laughed, very loudly, and I was very hurt by it. I told her it was a struggle not to laugh at her Buffy reverence but that I'd done so out of politeness. She didn't apologize, and I didn't talk to her again for a year. And in the year since I finally spoke to her again, I haven't spoken to her again. Never laugh at a man's Muppet collection. It makes you a jerk.

2. I hate hippies. Not real hippies, who are thoughtful people like Jaquandor or Stewart Brand, but college hippies--the ones who aren't in it for real. I was down at my complex's pool last night, enjoying myself, and a bunch of hippies came down and starting jumping into the water; every time I tried to move, one of the ten of them was in my way. What had been a nice, serene atmosphere became loud, irritating, and highly pronoid. I left the pool, and so did the 12 other people who had been there when the hippies came. Here's my thing with hippies--they hate corporate people (and rightly so) for wanting to buy everything to make money off of it, but hippies feel like they're entitled to everything just because they want to use it. I've gotten into so many arguments with hippies over the years. When I was at community college, I used to buy myself breakfast from McDonald's every morning, and the same girl used to ask me for my biscuit, which I regard as the desert of the Big Breakfast. Look, you're obviously not starving, so buy your own and leave me alone. I don't have an obligation to feed you just because you saw that I have food. It's not the community's just because you didn't eat this morning. Nothing brings out the conservative in me like a hippie. Really, though, I'm a moderate with no particular interest in being a part of either party.And yet, I love hippie/arty chicks...especially if they have red hair.

3. I have a blemish on my chest right now that's so big it looks like I have three nipples. So I'm wearing a shirt in the pool. I look positively Scaramangian (take that, Splotchy!).

4. One other pool-and-nipple related bit; the poor, sweet, bronze, blond, soft, pretty, nice, smiling, Kaley Cuoco-alike girl that makes everyone sign in at the pool has no idea that she bent so far forward while checking my ID on Monday that she accidentally showed me her nipples. For, like, a whole minute. Thank you, my little cutlet.

5. There's not a day goes by that I don't watch the Disney Channel. All these years later, and I'm still Disney's bitch. And I'm actually pissed at them, because they keep showing Boy Meets World and Sister, Sister, but they stopped showing Lizzie McGuire with Hilary Duff, which is, I swear, my favorite Disney series ever (and one of my favorite shows ever). As many readers know, I am still a big fan of hers. And yes, I watch The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Hannah Montana, which are fairly dumb, but I still watch them.

6. I act out if I don't feel appreciated. When I worked at Barnes & Noble, I actually went to great pains to show them that, as a receiving manager, the constant backlog of boxes waiting to be received wasn't my fault (not enough manpower shelving books, too many returns, one of the assistant managers sitting in his office and over-ordering nearly every day because he didn't want to be on the floor working, etc.), but they demoted me anyway. I needed the job, so I stayed, but after that all I did was read magazines and comic books, take long breaks, and steal a ton of merchandise. I resented them so much for doing it that I came back as Christmas help for two Christmases and did pretty much the same thing. I only worked when people were in the back room with me. I'm a vindictive son of a bitch.

7. I think the human race is idiotic because of things like religion and war and reluctance to embrace new technology that doesn't involve Prince commercials (really, Prince, how could you?). We're one rock in billions, and people think fighting for a patch of it is a noble cause, when in the cosmic sense it's ridiculous. Why don't more people think that knowing the secrets of the universe (and more fun, figuring out what they are) is far more special and infinite and inspiring and humbling than all of the supernatural fairy tales that tell them the world is a small place and that they are a small people who can't achieve anything new? Is it the vastness that makes people afraid? And if so, why don't they conquer that fear? We don't have forever for this. Every 30 million years or so, when our galaxy passes through the place where stars are densest, there is a mass extinction that nearly wipes out all life on Earth. In our galaxy alone, there are (as I've heard it described) "four hundred thousand million" other stars, and their gravity is what releases comets into our solar system. In 1994, Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 hit Jupiter and decimated an area larger than the Earth; if it had hit us, the planet--or at least all life on it--would have been destroyed. That's what Jupiter does; protects us from comets and asteroids which pelt our system constantly. But Jupiter can't catch them all, and we passed through the danger zone a million years ago--and a million years is how long it takes a comet to reach our solar system. We know there are objects headed this way, we've even named some of them. Life is fragile, because there are dangers everywhere in that vastness. Our solar system is in a 30 million year rotation, but it's also on a course of revolving around the center of the galaxy every 250 million years. We could run into all kinds of things: gas clouds, asteroids, other stars, supernovae. Black holes, created by the collapse of a star and destroying everything around it with such intense gravity that nothing can withstand it, not even light. We'd never know a black hole was here until it was too late. There are 10 million black holes out there in our galaxy; it's now thought that that mass of light at the center of our galaxy is a black hole one million times more powerful than an average black hole; it's so powerful that it's spinning stars--STARS!--around itself at 1000 kilometers a second. It's at least two million times the mass of the sun, and it's eating everything around it. If a black hole entered our solar system, we'd be pelted by a mass of comets released from the edge of the system. Jupiter would be sucked in so quickly it would appear to evaporate. The Earth would shake as the black hole consumed our sun and ripped it apart; as we were pulled close to the sun, all life on Earth would die from the heat, if it weren't already gone. And then the Earth would literally melt and disintegrate, and then there would be nothing left but the tiny black hole, a million times smaller than our sun, so dense in gravity that it destroys everything around it.So, fighting over oil seems really important, doesn't it?

8. I'm not always so negative. I like a lot of things, I really do. I just get angry easily because cynicism and bullying and stupidity piss me off no end. But I'm a man of simple pleasures who maybe places too many expectations on himself and so enjoys things that might not be deep or meaningful, but which make me smile.

Alright, tagging. Well, of course I'm going to tag my mate Bonjourtristesse, my fellow justice Heidi Nyburg, the always-a-little-too-comfortable-talking-about-himself Peter Lynn, and the busy-but-talkative J.D. Judge. I'll stop there, because a number of the people I would tag are either busy or have already done this meme. Enjoy!

UPDATE: Splotchy points out in the comments section that answer 7 reminds him of something. And it does me, too, actually: "The Galaxy Song" from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. This lovely scene (with the full liver donor opening to set up the punchline) is my favorite moment of Python and, in a way, this song is reflective of much of my philosophy toward life. So, here it is.

Eric!