Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Joys of Misperception

Here's something that annoys me. My mom has the worst, dumbest taste in movies. And every Saturday, she always calls to tell me that she went to see some stupid movie, knowing that it's going to annoy me, but she just has to tell me she saw something and she liked it. And this week, it was Norbit. And when I groan in derision, she always has the same answer: "Sometimes you just want to see something stupid and funny."

Why? I don't know why people want to see something stupid and funny. And I don't understand why people wear that as some sort of badge of normalcy that they defend to the death. The explanation I got this morning is this: "Everything doesn't always have to be serious and stone-faced. Sometimes people need to laugh."

And that's where I always get pissed off. It's not like she's taking time out from her busy schedule of watching the films of Godard while simultaneously reading all of Remembrance of Things Past and playing chess with Deep Blue. She's tearing herself away from Seinfeld reruns and Anne Rice novels to relax herself with Eddie Murphy's umpteenth feature-length fat joke. Am I supposed to be pleased?

And the other thing that pisses me off about it is this: Why do people assume that, just because you're not watching The King of Queens and reading the new Stephen King novel, you want everything to be serious? Why do they assume you don't like to laugh just because you don't feel the need to, every once in a while, physically take your brain out of your head, fart on it, and giggle as a means to relax.

Look, I'm the first guy to say that what people find funny is purely subjective. But what I find funny is what engages my brain or strikes a chord or is just plainly bizarre. It doesn't have to be intellectual, it just has to engage me enough to make me laugh. Christ, I'm a Disney fan, I love the Three Stooges, I could recite entire bits from Monty Python and The Simpsons, I think Eurotrip is a funny movie--I'm not sitting here watching Schindler's List on a loop and taking myself seriously. I just try not to rush headlong into obvious crap and then justify it with something as ridiculous as "Not everything has to be serious." I guess I'm just not desperate enough to hide from reality that I go to those lengths and come up with self-serving explanations about my penchant for liking crap.

Everyone likes crap. Who fucking cares?

I just get offended by the idea that I don't know how to take a joke because I think something you like is incredibly retarded. Why don't you try to justify your appreciation instead of attacking my lack of it?

The Bible Summarized by a Smartass, Part Nineteen: Esther

News dispatches from Susa, the capitol of the Persian Empire:

Chapter One
Terrible news today: women realize they have autonomy as Queen Vashti refuses King Ahasuerus’s simple request to show herself off to the crowd. . .Social fabric could rip at any second. . .Queen to be done away with as an example. . .King: “Every man must be master of his own house”. . .

Chapter Two
Success at last: King ends his years-long search for a new bride. . .Esther to be the new Queen of Persia. . .King personally test-rode every virgin in the kingdom to find which one was the best. . .Banquet celebration was disrupted by two would-be assassins, who were foiled by the Jew Mordecai. . .Assassins to be hanged tomorrow. . .

Chapter Three
Haman named Royal Prime Minister. . .Moredcai refused to bow to Haman, creating a public scene. . .In other news, King Ahasuerus today signed a bill authored by PM Haman to create a systematic program of ethnic cleansing to wipe out the Jew from all 127 provinces of the Empire. . .

Chapter Four
Mysterious confrontation today between Mordecai and Queen Esther. . .Mordecai at the head of a large group of Jewish mourners in the streets. . .

Chapter Five
Queen Esther to throw a banquet. . .PM Haman to attend by royal invitation. . .King Ahasuerus sure thinks the queen is purdy. . .In other news, Persia is slaughtering away at its Jews. . .

Chapter Six
King Ahasuerus to finally honor Mordecai the Jew for saving him from assassination. . .PM Haman to put together something special. . .attendance at parade will be required. . .Haman seen leaving the palace in tears. . .PM’s wife Zeresh says PM is unavailable for comment. . .

Chapter Seven
Queen Esther’s banquet was marred by tragedy today. . .Esther reveals hidden identity as a Jew. . .Scandal: Mordecai is the queen’s cousin and adoptive father. . .King promises justice. . .PM Haman slain by the king’s men for attacking the queen. . .

Chapter Eight
King Ahasuerus ends ethnic cleansing program at wife’s request. . .Queen Esther inherits all of Haman’s estate; gives it to Mordecai. . .Mordecai is authorized to call for sectarian violence against “enemies of Israel”. . .provinces terrified of Jewish retaliation. . .many people pretending to be Jews in a bid to be spared. . .Mordecai’s plot endorsed by the king himself. . .

Chapter Nine
Slaughter in every province today as Mordecai carries out his revenge. . .75,000 killed in bloody reprisals. . .Haman’s entire family among the dead. . .Mass murders to be remembered and celebrated as Jewish feast of Purim. . .

Chapter Ten
Peace reigns. . .And fear. . .Peace and fear. . .

Next week: The Book of Job (or, I Want to Tell You: The O.J. Simpson Story)

I'll Just Say It's for Black History Month; That Won't Piss Anyone Off, Right?

So, taking weird cues from Angela's matter-of-factness and Shroomy's bold lack of PC, here's a list I'll just call: African-Americans I'd Love to Fuck.

AINETT STEPHENS

AISHA TYLER

AMERIE

ANGELA BASSETT

BEYONCE

BLU CANTRELL

BRANDY

CIARA

EVE

FAITH EVANS

GABRIELLE UNION

GARCELLE BEAUVAIS

JASMINE RICHARDS

JENNIFER HUDSON

KELIS

KELLY ROWLAND

KERRY WASHINGTON

KESHIA KNIGHT PULLIAM
Hey, Rudy grew up right.

KYLA PRATT

MARIAH CAREY

MARY J. BLIGE

MEAGAN GOOD

MELYSSA FORD

MISSY ELLIOTT

NAOMI CAMPBELL

NIA LONG

PAM GRIER

PEPA

QUEEN LATIFAH

RAVEN-SYMONE

REGINA HALL

RIHANNA

ROSARIO DAWSON

RuPAUL
Yeah, I know. But I'm not gonna lie, she turns me on.

SERENA WILLIAMS

STACEY DASH

TAMALA JONES

TIA MOWRY

TOCCARA

TONI BRAXTON

TRACI BINGHAM

TWEET

VANESSA WILLIAMS

VENUS WILLIAMS

YAYA DACOSTA

Because We All Love to Talk About Ourselves

Otherwise, we wouldn't have blogs.

1) Do you have a crush on somebody? I think my love for Charisma Carpenter is pretty well-documented by this point.
2) Do you hate more than 3 people? Oh my, yes.
3) How many houses have you lived in? If military housing counts (and it shouldn't), I've lived in two. Then one condo and two apartments.
4) Favorite candy bar? Watchamacallit.
(I have no idea why question five is missing here.)
6) Have you ever tripped someone? Of course. I had a sister growing up, what the hell else was I going to do with her?
7) Least favorite school subject? I sucked at anything scientifical.
8) How many pairs of shoes do you own? Three. My regular shoes, boots, and a pair of dress shoes. I don't need anymore, right, ladies?
9)Do you own a Britney Spears CD? Only all of them. Even the Chaotic EP. And the remix album.
10) Have you ever thrown up in public? I once threw up in Sunday School. All of the Sunday School classes, from first grade to high school, would all sit together for a prayer before breaking off into our separate classes. I was sick that morning, and I sat there and tried not to do anything, and then I just spewed all over. Seriously, it was like a projectile just shout out, spattered onto the floor, and then ran all down my shirt. And that wasn't even the worst part; I didn't have time to feel humiliated, because I had to rush into the bathroom so I could unleash even more vomit. And then I felt my bowels rumbling. Ah, fourth grade; the year I was on my hands and knees in the church bathroom, puking my guts out while filling my pants with enough shit to power a lamp for three days. I had to get replacement clothes from the lost and found. Hooray for me!
11) Name one thing that is always on your mind: Pussy. Sorry, but it's true.
12) Favorite genre of music? Any. Seriously, any. I think I love Romantic-era Classical music best, though.
13) What's your sign? Open for Business, Ladies Get In Free But Men Have to Talk Me Into It. Oh, I mean, Cancer. (For the record, it doesn't take much to talk me into it.)
14) What time were you born? 6:55 on a Saturday evening.
15) Do you like beer? Not especially. I like a stout or an ale.
16) Have you ever made a prank phone call? Please, how immature. I haven't prank called anyone since I was, like, 20.
18) Are you sarcastic? No, I'm not sarcastic. This is just a speech impediment. I want to be your friend.
19) What are your favorite colors? Purple, then green.
20) How many watches do you own? Two. And they're both analog, because I prefer to look at them. And yes, one is a Mickey Mouse watch.
21) Summer or winter? Summer. I hate the snow and root for its eventual destruction. Or for me moving to the tropics.
22) Is anyone in love with you? I should say so.
23) Favorite color to wear? I don't care, but I notice I do wear a lot of charcoals and olives.
24) Pepsi or Sprite? Pepsi is superior to all other colas.
25) What color is your cell phone? Yo no nintendo "cell phone."
26) Where is your second home? Oh, it's in Australia in the hills. I can't go there right now because they're moving in the Greek sculptures and it's a lot of noise, but Elle Macpherson looks in on things for me. I wish!
27) Have you ever slapped someone? Yes, indeed.
28) Have you ever had a cavity? No. Almost, but they covered it with a little bit of sealer. That was a long time ago. I haven't been to the dentist in about eight years, though, so who knows?
29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? One, but it has two actual lights in it.
30) How many video games do you own? I don't know, I'm not the gamer here. The only game I'm crazy about is Civilization II on my PC.
31) What was your first pet? I'm not sure. Hamster, maybe? Or fish.
32) Ever had braces? Yes, for two or three sucky years.
33) Do looks matter? Sadly, yes. Not that I don't have obvious fun objectifying women on my blog, so...
34) Do you use chapstick? No.
35) Name 3 teachers from high school: Mr. Crandus (best teacher in my high school years), Mrs. David (who I totally wanted to sleep with), and Mr. Mango (the chauvinist gym teacher my mom hated who became one of my regular Hollywood Video customers almost a decade later.
36) American Eagle or Abercrombie? Honestly, I barely even know what that question means.
37) Are you too forgiving? Depends. Did you earn it?
38) How many children do you want? Seven or so, besides all of the illegitimate bastards running around now.
39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? Yes, actually. A tee shirt.
40) Favorite breakfast meal: Eggs, bacon, toast, orange juice, fruit. Preferably at my beloved diner, the Junction.
41) Do you own a gun? No.
42) Ever thought you were in love? Yes.
43) When was the last time you cried? It was recently, but I can't remember when or why.
44) What did you do 3 nights ago? Watched TV. Just like every night.
45) Olive Garden? Ew. Why don't I just eat feet with garlic bread?
46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy? I did in second grade.
47) Have you ever been in a castle? No, but that would be pretty cool. Unless you count White Castle. Which I don't see why you would.
48) Nicknames? None that were meant with any affection. Does SamuraiFrog count?
49) Do you know anyone named Bertha? No.
50) Ever been to Kentucky? Yes. My youth group went to a gathering in Atlanta right before the '94 Olympics, and we stopped in Kentucky. The nicest waitress I ever met in my life stood there and talked to me and Carl and John for a long time about some movie she'd seen on TV the night before about a retarded kid. I think the hospitality was lost on my fellows, but I like nice people who want to talk. That was my only experience in Kentucky, but it was a nice one.
51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? Do they even still exist? Seriously, I have no idea.
52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? Yes, a few somebodies.
53) Ever called somebody Boo? No, and I think that's fucking lame. I want to strangle people when I hear them call each other that, especially if they're white.
54) Do you smoke? Yes, for a while. Not anymore.
55) Do you own a diamond ring? No, there are no African children on my conscience.
56) Are you happy with your life right now? Christ, no. Unemployed, broke, fat, tired, lazy, depressed, and frustrated is not exactly how I hoped I would be at 30.
57) Do you dye your hair? I never have.
58) Does anyone have a crush on you? Yes, a few of you.
59) Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? I can't decide which one I hate more.
60) What were you doing in May of 1994? Graduating from high school. I got set up with two girls, one of whom (Inez) I had been watching for years, and the other (name not even remembered) who had been watching me. Neither worked out.
62) McDonald's or Wendy's? When I want to poison myself, I like both of them. Though not at once, obviously.
63) Do you like yourself? Not very much, honestly.
64) Are you closer to your mother or father? Mother. She's overemotional where my dad is emotionally detached.
65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? This: Not the breasts, but just above, that great area from the collarbone to the sternum. I don't know why, but it drive me absolutely wild.
66) Are you afraid of the dark? Sometimes, I still am. Bad dreams.
67) Have you ever eaten paste? I don't think so... Although, when you lick an envelope, isn't that the same thing?
68) Do you own a webcam? No. Who wants to see that?
69) Have you ever stripped? No. Who wants to see that? I don't even like to see me nude. I wear a wetsuit in the shower. No, I'm kidding; I don't take showers.
70) Ever broke a bone? My ankle, although the break wasn't complete. Very nearly was. It was a stupid thing, too; it happened in high school gym class, while I was playing basketball. I spun around and, for some reason, my foot stayed where it was but I heard a crunch in my bone. Thank the gods for adrenaline; I didn't even feel it.
71) Are you religious? No, I'm a grown-up. Fairy tales don't govern my life.
72) Do you chat on AIM often? I'm on Yahoo chatting sometimes.
73) Pringles or Lays? Pringles, if I have to pick one, but I'm not really into chips.
74) Have you ever broken someone's heart? Yes.
75) Rugrats or Doug? Ouch, dude.
76) Full House or The Brady Bunch? If I have to watch one, it's The Brady Bunch. I used to have all these masturbatory fantasies about Jan, where I was her neighbor/dad's friend from work, and I set up this camera and invite her over and... nothing...
77) Do you like your high school guidance counselor? No.
78) Has anyone ever called you fat? Gee, do you think so?
79) Do you have a birth mark? Those are three nines on my forehead.
80) Do you own a car? Flynn, my poor 96 Ford Escort who is on her last legs. She's been good to me for a long time. Longer than Falcon was, at any rate.
81) Can you cook? A fair bit. But no one likes my experiments; is chocolate powder in scrambled eggs really so wrong? Seriously, is it? I'm afraid to try and find out for sure.
84) Money or love? Why can't I love money? Or get money for my love?
85) Do you have any scars? I have a significant dent in my skull from an accident that happened when I was a kid. In the days before excessive childproofing, when I was three or so, I slid on a catalog and cut my head open on the sharp edge of an end table.
86) What do you want more than anything right now? Seriously? A banana split. Maybe on Jessica Pare's body.Come on, you knew I was gonna get tits in here somewhere.
87) Do you enjoy scary movies? If they're good.
88) Relationships or one night stands? Both.
90) Do you enjoy greasy food? Who doesn't? Seriously, who? We have to find them and weed them out.
91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? Not the new one, but the other five, definitely. And I want to see the new one.
92) Do you own a box of crayons? No.
93) Who was the last person that said they loved you? My mom.
94) Who was the last person that made you cry? I'm not sure.
95) Who was the last person that made you laugh? I'm not sure.
97) Who was the last person that called you? My mom.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Norbert Milken Loves Billy Idol

In one of my many searches on YouTube for stuff to put on my blog, I found myself wishing I could see something I've wanted to see again for years. Something that Becca and I still quote. So I typed in the following magic words: "Norbert Milken."

And I found this:


Thank you, Jebus. That's exactly what I was looking for. And now I am sated.

I saw this sketch for the first time in 1999, during a marathon viewing session of Video from the Id. My friend Carl used to work at a public access TV station with Joe Kreml, one of the guys who worked on the show. They made and aired the show there, and it was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. I know, I know. A comedy sketch series on public access...is it really any good? It's great. Kids in the Hall great (KOTH being the only sketch comedy show I've never gotten tired of watching, so that's a high compliment from me). This show was brilliant.

Carl turned me on to the show, and let me watch all of the episodes. Oh, how I loved those things. I sorely miss them now; I want to see them again badly. I want them on DVD. Jeff Madden, mastermind behind the series, hear my prayers: put them on a DVD so I can buy them from you. Put them on your new website so I can order them and buy two copies. I love the show, and I desperately want to see the "Ten Commandments of Sweeping" sketch again.

Anyway. Seriously, I am in unrequited love with this show. I met one of the actors on the show and was practically celebrity-struck. And I even got to work with some of the guys once, acting in a sketch as--wait for it--a fat guy. But who cares, I got to work with some of the guys.

Am I gushing enough?

Hey, how about another clip?


And for the hell of it, some more music-related clips.




There's so much more to this group than what I've got here. So, I recommend you hie thee to the website, Monsters from the Id, and watch some more stuff.

Now, how do I get my copy of Norbert Milken Loves Supertramp?

Jeff Madden, command me!

Mindlessness of Mencia

Carlos Mencia's real name is Ned Holness. He is half-Honduran and half-German, but pretends to be a Mexican named Carlos Mencia, putting on a Cheech accent and telling jokes that a fourth-grader would find hilarious. Mob drew my attention to this video in which Joe Rogan, of all people, goes after "Carlos" for being a joke thief. And, funnily enough, backs it up with video evidence. I can't believe Joe Rogan is the voice of reason here, but he seems to be. There's more at his MySpace page, in which he explains that calling Carlos out on stage has got him banned from the Comedy Store and dropped by his agent. Carlos Mencia is also running trying to get any copies of the linked video removed from online, so see it while you can. He's already taken it off of YouTube. (What? YouTube caved in on something? Never!)

The sordid world of comedy. Dane Cook steals from the much funnier Louis CK, and the audience sides with the incredibly unfunny Cook. Now they're siding with the incredibly unfunny Mencia, who steals from a lot of people. And what's this I hear about Denis Leary stealing from Bill Hicks? I've not heard enough Hicks to know the score there.

Baby Got Links

I'm not going to do a Throwdown this week. All of the news is about Anna Nicole Smith, and I'm really not interested in rubbernecking that; it's not really interesting, and who cares? The other news is about Britney Spears dressing slutty and, again, I don't care.
I should've linked this before Valentine's Day; according to Women's Health, women who get laid regularly save money.

More Valentines: Coming Soon has some Meet the Robinsons ads with a Valentine theme, and The Gilded Moose has found a perfect e-card for Paris Hilton.

The Film Experience has a roundtable discussion of the 20 most anticipated films of the year. Links to all 20 entries are in this post. It's great stuff, you should read it. Can I just say though: P.T. Anderson? Really? Still?

Zaius Nation talks about asinine Republican attempts to stick it to Nancy Pelosi over her apparently unreasonable insistence that politicians should do, um, their jobs.

The Rude Pundit discusses this week's Bush press conference.

Heather Graham and Bridget Moynahan kissing. I see why everyone linked to this; it's fucking hot!

New Carl Sagan book! Yes!

Postmodern Barney ponders the thoughts of Tobey Maguire and his ever-expressive face.

Becca continues her tour of our apartment at No Smoking in the Skull Cave. This week: the library.

Man vs. Clown! goes off on Neal Pollack's parenting boook. Hey, he deserves it.

I had braces once. Didn't take. Good Tidings on a Bad Day has a horrifying story about how getting fitted almost killed her.

Are you excited that Lost is back? Yeah, me neither. Slowly Going Bald has some interesting thoughts on the return and the problems facing the show.

Ebaum's World has pictures of the nerdiest car ever... oh, man, I want one! All things Star Wars are still in vogue. Exquisitely Bored in Nacogdoches pulls the best parts of the saga out for us, while College Humor tells us all we really need to know about the first movie, and Popholic gives us a new take on the movie. One more? Okay. Cinematical carries this "revelation" about George Lucas. I love to tell fans about this one; been doing it for years. It always put the prequels in perspective for them.

RetroCRUSH has some good stuff this week: Pop culture's best pigs (for Chinese New Year) and an interview with one of the men I want to be when I grow up, Joe Bob Briggs.

You know I'm not going to let a bunch of comics links go by, right? The Absorbascon talks about the rise (and in some cases, ridiculousness) of the DC supporting cast throughout the eras. In other DC Comics commentary, Living Between Wednesdays has some things to say about Lois Lane here, here, and especially here. One Diverse Comic Book Nation talks about superhero couples.

I see I've made the right choice in leaving the comic book world behind a bit. Because according to Tom the Dog, I Against Comics, and many others, everyone at Marvel Comics has finally lost their minds.

The Last Visible Blog ponders things such as continuity, canon, and fandom here and here.

An old favorite of mine: Jay Pinkerton's new version of Lost in Translation.

Here Comes Johnny Yen Again with a post about one of the great comedies, which seems under-appreciated these days, and how neat it is that he watched it with his son. Pass on the great ones.

I've never seen a single episode of Gray's Anatomy, but even I found this writing guide hilarious.

X-Entertainment salutes sodas that no longer exist.

Stuff has the best speeches in movies.

TrailerSpy lists the 15 best trailer remixes.

Happy Fifth Anniversary, As Little As Possible! Click the link to read some of his best posts.

This is actually a cool little experiment at Entertainment Weekly. Two producers come up with an idea for each others' TV shows. Not only does one of the Family Guy staff get to show off the creative bakruptcy that's been a hallmark of Family Guy for a long, long time, but the other guy neatly rips apart Family Guy and, the cherry on top, its audience of loyal retards.

There are Blogger Wars going on right now, aren't there? First, everyone danced on Perez Hilton's well-deserved grave, and now The Gilded Moose finally fires a much-needed shot at Pink Is the New Blog.

Ever watched porn? Then you know what to expect from sex.

O-Meon salutes the late Peter Ellenshaw, Disney's legendary matte artist.

Woody Woodpecker cartoons are finally coming to DVD! Classic Cartoons runs you through the first one.

Sclerotic Rings finds the point of it all.


(More here.)