While relaxing at my palatial Martian mansion after a long day of providing security at a nerd gathering, I heard a knock at the castle door. Always on call to listen to the citizens of my adopted homeworld, I answered and, to my surprise, saw Ashley Jensen, one of Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein's adopted actors!
I assumed she'd made the trip to Mars to bring some news of my old friend and candidate, the best choice for America, the future President Monkerstein. But to my shock, she said: "I'm afraid Monkerstein's kicked me oot of the hoose."
"Goodness!" I said. "But he adopted you, he did!"
"I know," she said, "but apparently I was impeding his work and now it's back to the orphanage for me. Unless some nice man, like a Martian Prime Minister or something, wants to step in and give a girl a break..."
I realized the poor girl was fishing. She must've heard what a huge fan of Ugly Betty I am and thought, what with the massive amount of space I've got here, that she could find herself a good home on Mars.
"But Ashley," I protested, "I've already got my hands full with ministerial duties, plus my long-distance relationship with Scarlett Johansson, plus my side job as a security guard at comic book conventions, plus my other adopted actors."
"And besides," I went on, "I've talked before about how I find Scottish women oddly passionless and sexless. Er, um... no offense."
Except for that little cutie Kelly Macdonald, she's the exception to the rule.
"What about Sheena Easton?" she asked.
"Well, obviously she's some kind of freak of nature. Like Tarzan among the apes. Um... no offense..."
"But don't you think that I'm unnaturally pretty for a Scotswoman?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"And I've got loads of British Comedy Awards. You're a fan of Extras, right?"
"Oh, yes, of course..."
"And I know how to make an entrance at parties!"
What the hey. Ashley Jensen, consider yourself adopted. Welcome to Mars!